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I am wandering if there are other parents that find thenselves doing both AP parenting and main... - Page 2

post #21 of 92
I don't think you have to do "one or the other", as I don't think that they really exist that way. Ask people what "AP" means or "mainstream" and you will get a million answers. If you want to be technical, AP is just a handful of "prcinipals", such as loving feeding (breastfeeding or "bottle-nursing"), preparing for pregnancy and birth, babywearing, etc. (here are the "8 principals": http://www.attachmentparenting.org/p...principles.php). There are many "mainstream" ways to do AP, and many AP ways to do things that some may consider mainstream.

I think all too often we make this division between "us and them" which ends up shorting everyone. The "mainstream" look like "badguys" and those striving to "be AP" are always measuring themselves to some sort of ideal, like there is a club you can only get into if you "do all the right crunchy things" and you are a failure if you ever do anything less than the absolute ideal.

I think setting up this false AP standard really puts a lot of pressure on people, especially new moms. They think AP is "hard" or that they are not good enough if they must deviate from the plan. Really, AP is a few principals that all boil down to listening to your children and treating them with love and respect for their needs. That can look like many things.
post #22 of 92
I don't consider my food choices very NFL... I loves me some Lucky Charms! :
post #23 of 92
Quote:
Originally Posted by 2cutiekitties View Post
yep! But I don't fit into regular society AT ALL. I fit in nowhere
that's exactly how I feel!
post #24 of 92
Well, I had two of my three kids at home (which I do consider to be an AP-related decision. I did not want to repeat the unnecessary violence of a hospital birth for my other children) I practice "extended" breastfeeding, however I do not know if I will follow child led weaning completely. We do not buy organic food because it is too expensive, however we eat lots of fresh, healthy meals made from scratch and avoid additives like MSG and HFCS. We only let the kids watch certain videos they like, no cable here and the reception for the local channels is so bad we don't even get PBS.

We eat out a lot, which is a bad habit but a necessary one given our insane schedules. I'm also a student and I will be returning full time in January and two of the kids will be in daycare, the oldest will be at preschool.

Homeschooling, while not my idea of fun, may be the only option for us unless we can get a scholarship to the local Montessori school. There is NO WAY I'm sending my kids to the city schools here.

We co sleep with the baby, but as with our others we will transition her to her own bed by 12 months. She enjoys sleeping in her Arm's Reach most nights, so I don't forsee this being a big deal. I also wear her when we go out, and have her in-arms much of the day. I don't wear toddlers because my boys first off wouldn't tolerate being held by a year-too active! And because it is awkward for me to carry a larger child-I'm only 5 feet tall.

So far our children seem happy, calm, well-adjusted. We do what works best for us-isn't that all we can really do?
post #25 of 92
AP/gentle parenting is our philosophical guideline for sure. We really don't stray from that.

The problem I'm seeing with the question & some answers is that I wouldn't necessarily call things like cloth diapering AP and disposable diapering non-AP. Somethings just aren't AP related, but are more crunchy, enviromental, green, offbeat, whatever. And honestly, I think it doesn't REALLY matter in the long run what you "are", but rather what you DO.

The IMPORTANT thing is that you RESPECT & HONOR your children as independent beings with real feelings & needs.

But FWIW, to answer the question, I guess the more mainstream things: we vaccinate (although selectively & slowly), use disposable diapers, own a TV (though kids don't watch it except for Signing Time videos on occasion), I had two hospital births (though they both were "planned" to be natural - midwife, doula, anti-intervention birth plan, yada yada, so its on the fence I guess), I drive a minivan - (or is this crunchy because its the safest one?), I occasionally use a stroller, I work at home (crunchy?) AND out of the home (mainstream?).

The more crunchy things: we're vegetarian & eat organic, kids attend montessori (oh wait... maybe this is mainstream as we don't homeschool?), I tandem nursed & CLW, we have a family bed, don't CIO or sleep train, I own a half dozen slings/baby carriers, did EC with my DD, practice gentle discipline, don't circ. - though this SHOULD be mainstream!
post #26 of 92
There is no perfect way to parent, it is all about tradeoffs.
post #27 of 92
Quote:
Originally Posted by just_lily View Post
And my baby hates (with extreme passion) being in a sling. We own a stroller, and I like the convenience of taking her bucket seat out of the car, and snapping it into the stroller.
IMO, if you did put her into a sling she hates, you wouldn't be practicing AP at all. Forcing a kid to do something they don't like in order to check off an AP lifestyle box isn't about attachment.
post #28 of 92
Quote:
Originally Posted by alexsam View Post
...those striving to "be AP" are always measuring themselves to some sort of ideal...
I"m a far better, and far gentler, parent when I'm able to forgive myself for my many parental mistakes. When I slip into obsessing over not matching up to my own ideal, I start being hard on myself...then I get stressed...then I get easily frustrated...then I start being too hard on the kids (yelling, especially)...then I get hard on myself...then I get stressed...wait - didn't I say that already??

Yeah - if I'm going to forgive my kids, I should probably forgive myself sometimes, too. My children aren't perfect, but I wouldn't change them for the world.
post #29 of 92
I do both. We would die without the TV and McDonalds every once in while.
post #30 of 92
Quote:
Originally Posted by library lady View Post
I think it definitely depends on how you define AP. We do what works for us rather than following anything that is prescribed by other people's ideals.
Yes, this for us too. "My" attachment parenting means that the relationship between ds and me is the priority.
post #31 of 92
Thread Starter 
Thanks for all your responses. I don’t use gentle guidance, I use disposable diapers, I used a baby snugly for awhile but baby got to heavy and loves the stroller lots and I tried to breast feed and did it for awhile but always felt my baby was starving so I went to formula and since then baby has been very happy and content, I co-sleep occasionally when my children need some extra TLC.

I did not make a decision to AP parent or mainstream parent. I do what feels right for our childern. I am happy to be a member of MDC and glad im not I only one that does not 100% AP or Mainstream parent

I guess I kind of do use gentle guidance to a point. I give 3 chances then a time out
post #32 of 92
I'm pretty hardcore AP, as far as the core practices of early parenting are concerned: CLW, cosleeping (though my kids are now so old that they cosleep with each other rather than with us), responsiveness, and babywearing. And I would never, ever have a child circumcised without a STRONG medical need for it, though that might be more of a natural living thing. I totally admire (and even aspire to) natural, unmedicated birthing, though I've never personally achieved it yet.

However, I'm not over the top at all with natural living. I haven't done full time CDing since my first baby was two, and I fully vax them (though only one shot at a time -- if they have a reaction, I want to know exactly what they reacted to, not a guess). And my kids get time-outs and may watch a cartoon here and there after dinner (which is sometimes from McDonalds), and my five-year-old knows his way around a Wii. I drive a huge, gas-sucking Honda Odyssey, too.

I love being on MDC, because I get to feel less crunchy than someone. That practically never happens in my daily life. Here, having nursed a 5-year-old doesn't make me particularly special or unusual. But among my general acquaintance, even though I live in the Seattle area, where nursing for 12 months or more is quite normal, that's not an experience I go out of my way to share with everyone. I get so tired of being the most extreme example around! But around here, I'm pretty middle-of-the-road.

Nealy
mama to T, 5; L, 2; and EDD 12/20/08
post #33 of 92
Oops wrong place
post #34 of 92
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ks Mama View Post

The problem I'm seeing with the question & some answers is that I wouldn't necessarily call things like cloth diapering AP and disposable diapering non-AP. Somethings just aren't AP related, but are more crunchy, enviromental, green, offbeat, whatever. And honestly, I think it doesn't REALLY matter in the long run what you "are", but rather what you DO.

The IMPORTANT thing is that you RESPECT & HONOR your children as independent beings with real feelings & needs.


:

I feel really annoyed when some AP moms use the cd, bf, no tv, homemade, babywearing, stayhome, don't use dc, etc as checks to make themselves look/feel better than other moms. A friend of mine practices more AP aspects than me but feels constantly inferior to her group of AP mom group because of the remarks or looks.
post #35 of 92
We do both. We breastfeed, co-sleep, babywear, and do not shame or spank.

We eat processed food, watch PBS, use sposies a lot of the time. We do have rules and do not do unconditional parenting. Our kids have bedtimes and are expected to obey, but negotiation is permitted with most things. EX. THey don't get to do whatever they want. There will be no movies and snacks at 2am. Not happening. We can do that in the evening, but then we will be giving up the playground. Their choice.

Basically, we do what works for us, keeps us all mostly happy, and the home running smoothly. I don't really worry about the label we have.
post #36 of 92
Quote:
Originally Posted by Evan&Anna's_Mom View Post
But a lot of things you all are talking about, IMHO, are "natural living" rather than AP. Food choices, cloth diapers -- those don't have anything to do with AP. I think vaxes are in the same category, actually. And I don't see that setting limits and enforcing them (assuming you are use GD to enforce) aren't AP either, unless we are talking about enforcing the limits of scheduled feeding or CIO. And if your baby hates a sling and you use a stroller, then that's AP because you are meeting the babies need rather than your need to be "more AP than thou".

The other thing that I've discovered as the kids are out of babyhood, the whole thing gets much blurier.

That said, I'm definitely more on the mainstream end of the spectrum than many here. I like the one person who's sig describes them as "crispy".
I agree whole heartedly w/ this. We definantly dont fit in the "crunchy" "natural living" category. We dont eat organic but I eat healthy and plan on feeding DD healthy foods but I plan to get them at Kroger rather than Wild Oats Market. We do vax and I had all the routine medical interventions at my delivery. We use our stroller and carseat frequently and I love disposable diapers. We have plastic toys. DD also eats from a bottle quite frequently but its expressed BM. She has never tasted anything else.

I do feel like we fit in the AP category, though. She is exclusively on breast milk and I plan to BF for a minimum of one year. I BW sometimes. We cosleep most of the time so far. We dont have her on a schedule and I feed on demand. I will be delaying solids at least 6 months (which isnt an AP thing really but NONE of the mainstream parents I know wait that long) I also plan to practice gentle discipline. This is just what I planned on doing anyway before I ever heard of AP.

I come to this site cause I fit in more than I do on the mainstream sites. For some reason, even though I am a mixture, I get along w/ AP moms much more than I do mainstream people. They just arent as accepting of alternative parenting styles. I guess since AP moms are the minority they are used to being tolerant.
post #37 of 92
I agree that the "MDC approved" practices being discussed here are a mix of AP and NFL, not just AP.

And we are not all crunchy/AP, either.

With my first son, I wanted to do all AP/NFL, but now I am expecting child #3 and in reality, in the past five years I have learned that I just can't handle it all.

AP/NFL stuff that we STILL practice or believe in:

will never circ
exclusive breastfeeding/extended breastfeeding
cosleeping
babywearing
partial Traditional Foods diet
homeschooling
we delay vaccinations till school-age
we use holistic health approaches, homeopathic and chiropractic before Western medicine
live in a small space, try to live simply
natural birth/homebirth

Things we've relaxed our NFL/AP stance on:

* we now use disposable diapers and I will never go back to cloth
* I plan to use a pacifier next baby. And a baby swing.
* use paper/plastic disposable plates/cups from time to time to save my sanity
* I wean the boys when it feels like the right time to me, so no CLW-- that was age 2 for the first one, about 18 months for the second one
* I use a stroller a lot (back issues)
* we were going to not vax at all, now we probably will do delayed/selective
* we tried doing no timeouts for a while, now we definitely use them
* we will move into a bigger house when we can afford it (no more tiny space living!)
* we may send our boys to prep school someday.
* although we try to do TF mostly, we don't eat very much organic anymore (can't afford it) and we started eating some sugary/non TF stuff again.
* we let the boys watch a lot of TV, but only shows I approve of
* we shop at Walmart and Target unashamedly

I bet everyone here is a mix of NFL/AP and mainstream parenting practices.
post #38 of 92
Quote:
Originally Posted by mistymama View Post
I was a super AP parent when ds was a baby and toddler, but I find that I am much less AP now. We still do gentle discipline and would NEVER EVER hit or shame, but I do expect ds to listen and do what I say.
It's sort of the same for me. I did most of the AP stuff when mine were little. My kids have all had formula as babies. However, I remember co-sleeping with my 13 yr old back in the mid 90's when most people I knew thought I was crazy. The pediatrician told me constantly that it had to stop or it would hurt him long term. So many people co-sleep now so I knew I did the right thing there. We did vax, again I wasn't that informed on some things so not vaxing never entered my mind. If I did it over again I'd still vax my children.

We still use gentle discipline but I will use time outs. My 6 y o has a hard time listening some days more than others and is home 24/7 since we : and simply asking her to stop some behaviors just isn't good enough sometimes. We have cable t.v. but do practice limitations. The children don't have trouble with that. We rarely watch t.v. as adults in front of them and I believe kids learn from example. We don't eat exclusively organic but we practice good/healthy eating habits and again, our kids learn from the example we give them.

I'm not a perfect mom but I've always done the best I can. I feel I do better than my own parents did with me and my siblings which is a good thing.
post #39 of 92
Quote:
Originally Posted by 2cutiekitties View Post
yep! But I don't fit into regular society AT ALL. I fit in nowhere

That's exactly how I feel. I'm much less crunchy than many here, but I'm sure that many people I know think I'm crazy for homebirthing and not allowing DD (4mo) to stare at the TV all day.
post #40 of 92
Great thread Just like a lot of people we fit in somewhere in between.
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