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I am wandering if there are other parents that find thenselves doing both AP parenting and main... - Page 3

post #41 of 92
Put me in the slightly mushy category.

We do some NFL stuff and some mainstream stuff, though I liked what the PPs said about avoiding labels such as NFL, AP, and mainstream.

The main AP thing, overall, though, is that we've formed a safe and secure attachment with DS. He loves us, we love him, and we respect each other. Not every day is perfect. But we are all firmly and beautifully attached to each other.

The rest is just boxes to tick, IMO. If it works for your family, whatever "it" is -- fast food or organics, sposies vs. CD, etc., etc. then do it.

Thanks for this thread so some of us could come out of the closet!
post #42 of 92
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ks Mama View Post
AP/gentle parenting is our philosophical guideline for sure. We really don't stray from that.

The problem I'm seeing with the question & some answers is that I wouldn't necessarily call things like cloth diapering AP and disposable diapering non-AP. Somethings just aren't AP related, but are more crunchy, enviromental, green, offbeat, whatever. And honestly, I think it doesn't REALLY matter in the long run what you "are", but rather what you DO.

The IMPORTANT thing is that you RESPECT & HONOR your children as independent beings with real feelings & needs.
So beautifully stated! (bolding mine)



Quote:
Originally Posted by alexsam View Post
I don't think you have to do "one or the other", as I don't think that they really exist that way. Ask people what "AP" means or "mainstream" and you will get a million answers. If you want to be technical, AP is just a handful of "prcinipals", such as loving feeding (breastfeeding or "bottle-nursing"), preparing for pregnancy and birth, babywearing, etc. (here are the "8 principals": http://www.attachmentparenting.org/p...principles.php). There are many "mainstream" ways to do AP, and many AP ways to do things that some may consider mainstream.

I think all too often we make this division between "us and them" which ends up shorting everyone. The "mainstream" look like "badguys" and those striving to "be AP" are always measuring themselves to some sort of ideal, like there is a club you can only get into if you "do all the right crunchy things" and you are a failure if you ever do anything less than the absolute ideal.

I think setting up this false AP standard really puts a lot of pressure on people, especially new moms. They think AP is "hard" or that they are not good enough if they must deviate from the plan. Really, AP is a few principals that all boil down to listening to your children and treating them with love and respect for their needs. That can look like many things.
Well said!


Thank you, alexsam, for giving us the list of the principals of AP. After reading that I can proudly state that I am about 95% AP (I don't always offer the healthiest food choices. Very far from the unhealthiest, but every once in a while DD gets some good old fashoned Junk food. (chips or cookies or fries. ) And sometimes we skip breakfast. : But DD is still nursing and then once she gets to Daycare they give her fruit or yoghurt, so I know she is not starving. Besides, sometimes she just doesn't want breakfast after having nursed. But I'm getting OT.)

As far as unNFL, we vaxed, no CD (It would be impossible without a dryer, which are very uncommon here in Italy, and I am completely unwilling to have diapers hanging to dry in my living room.) and, as stated above, indulge in occasional junk food and cartoons. (I have to have a 1/2 an hour of Teletubbies or I would never get dinner cooked!)

But we do co-sleep, plan on CLW, nurse on demand (most of the time) and although we do our stroller now that DD is 24 lbs, I do wear her often. Sometimes she just wants to be carried and I'm happy to carry her. I'm sure there is more to add, but that's all I can think of right now.
post #43 of 92
Quote:
Originally Posted by alegna View Post
DoingDoing:Julie- why would you "have" to vax?

-Angela

A little OT, and I certainly have no idea if this is her situation.

I just found out that people who adopt from outside the country have to sign something with homeland security promising to vax. I had no idea.
post #44 of 92
Quote:
Originally Posted by Breeder View Post
To me, Attached Parenting is not a checklist and you don't have to do everything on it for your kids to have a healthy attachment to you. Do what works for your family.
Very well said I think it's important to take people from where they are right now. While we do want to promote certain NFL values, we don't expect it of our members, nor should we shame people who don't or did not practice certain parenting styles. That being said, we also want to keep in mind the MotheringDotCommune Web Statement of Purpose

Quote:
The Mothering website is the gathering place for the reading and discussion of issues of interest to our magazine readers and online community members. We have been in print since 1974, and on the web since 1998. The magazine is read in over 70 countries. Our community is made up of many nationalities, religions, ages, colors, ethnicities, philosophies, affectional orientations, economic groups, lifestyles, and family structures. This is reflected in our magazine readership and in the online community of the MotheringDotCommune.

Mothering celebrates the experience of parenthood as worthy of one's best efforts and fosters awareness of the immense importance and value of family life in the development of the full human potential of parents and children. At Mothering we recognize parents as experts and seek to provide truly helpful information upon which parents can make informed choices. Mothering is both a fierce advocate of the needs and rights of the child and a gentle supporter of the parents, and we encourage decision-making that considers the needs of all family members. We explore the reality of human relationships in the family setting, recognizing that raising the heirs of our civilization well is the prerequisite for a healthy society.

Mothering advocates natural family living, including the ancient way of being with babies and children that is known today as attachment parenting. This way is reliant on the inherent integrity of children and the inviolate intuition of parents. The family is the dominion of parents and children and authoritative knowledge rests with them. This website is a place to safely explore all the aspects involved in such a parenting philosophy.

The MotheringDotCommune discussion boards serve an online community of parents considering, learning and practicing attachment parenting and natural family living. Our discussions on the boards are about the real world of mothering and are first and foremost, for support and information.
  • Some subjects regularly covered in the magazine and on these boards include:
  • Non-adversarial Cooperative Family Living
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  • Breastfeeding
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Does this mean we expect our members to embrace all of these values/principals? not at all. However, we do promote Natural Family Living and we do ask our members to respect that in their posting.

I think many parents feel like they don't fit in with one particular parenting style. It's hard to find our way as parents, especially when we're trying to live more naturally in mainstream society - that's what drew most of us here and keeps us coming back .
post #45 of 92
I've been with MDC since its infancy, and was a moderator for a number of years here. I helped write the website guidelines to include the idea that "Mothering advocates natural family living, including the ancient way of being with babies and children that is known today as attachment parenting..." that is that natural family living is a broader umbrella that includes attachment parenting. I may have even written those words (can't recall). I've been a Mothering Magazine reader longer...started reading it when I was a preteen (in fact, there is a photo of my mother and sisters standing together at a bus stop in one of the magazines from the 70s).

I have met a lot of families from MDC. Without fail, I always get nervous beforehand. Will I live up to their standards of AP, natural family living, etc.?? I bite my figernails, and then we meet up and I discover that no one is the NFL/AP supermom I picture when we are chatting online. All of us fall along a spectrum, and I just haven't met a parent here yet who isn't as complex as the other parents I meet in daily life.

I think when we are all on here talking about things specifically from the NFL/AP perspective, especially because each of us is going to have certain NFL/AP topics about which we feel very strongly or see things more in black and white, it is easy to get a skewed idea about the kinds of people on "the other end of the line."
post #46 of 92
Sierra, that is a really good point. I think it's easy to believe that many people on here are the "most crunchy" in every category.
I know a bunch of women from MDC irl, and while the people I know are respectful of kids and are caring and gentle, none of them (myself included) are the epitomy of NFL crunchiness. lol.
post #47 of 92
I just parent with what works. I don't believe in ever hitting, shaming my child, and my first method of operation is to sit down and talk with my 3 year old and try to reason with him. It has a 50% success rate. lol Last resort is a time out, it sucks, we hate using it, but once in a while we find we have to.

We try to anticipate and respond to our kids needs. They are fed on demand, cry it out is not an option, co-sleeping is fine til our kids start kicking the hades out of us. Sorry, I really need sleep! They are held whenever they'd like, we don't ignore them and try to create a strong bond.

If I homeschooled, my poor kids would never know how to add. We do believe in small schools though and have to pay for private schools to back up that belief.

No cloth diapers either. I admit, pure laziness...well not so much that, it's just that if I had another load of laundry to do, I'd cry. Fortunately we can compost our diapers, otherwise I would have cloth diapered. Healthy food, but we do have pizza and burgers from time to time. Cookies are a staple, preferably home made though.

I dunno, I just try to be a loving parent the best way I can. I find if I'm stressing over fitting a certain ideal, I'm not going to be a good parent, so I just go with the flow.
post #48 of 92
We do a little of both and a little of our own thing.

AP: babies/toddlers are worn a lot, we do CLW, co-sleep, CD, follow the kids' leads on when they're ready for something, watch what we eat most of the time

Mainstream: we vax, DS is circ'd, he wouldn't co-sleep (although I still call that AP because we listened to what he needed), when we eat fast food I let him eat french fries instead of apples, own 3 strollers and use them when its convenient, and we're pretty strict with DS (he's a "give an inch, take a mile" kind of kid).

As for schooling, we're totally undecided but we need to get on the ball because DS is 3.5.
post #49 of 92
Quote:
Originally Posted by ABmom View Post
:

I feel really annoyed when some AP moms use the cd, bf, no tv, homemade, babywearing, stayhome, don't use dc, etc as checks to make themselves look/feel better than other moms. A friend of mine practices more AP aspects than me but feels constantly inferior to her group of AP mom group because of the remarks or looks.
I totally agree. I guess I would be able to tick off most AP principles. However, I do not consider myself AP. When I discovered this parenting philosophy I was so excited as it seemed to embrace so much of how I had been intuitively parenting my newborn. And then I started getting all hang up if I was being AP enough and started to loose some of the joy of my mothering experience.
Now I just do what feels right and keep myself informed to satisfy my curiosity as to why what what feels right to me can be supported by current child development understanding. It works for me.... but then again, I have never been one to subscribe to any philosophy other than my own personal one.
post #50 of 92
I do what I feel is best for my children, regardless of what category it may fit into. So, yeah, I am a bit of both.

I'm waiting for it to catch on, but I like to call myself:

CRunchy + mainstEAM = CREAMY!
post #51 of 92
Quote:
Originally Posted by SAHDS View Post

CRunchy + mainstEAM = CREAMY!
I like this! Sounds much better than yummy mummies.
post #52 of 92
If by mainstream you mean imposing limits and rules and enforcing some consequences for when rules are broken then I definitely do a blend of AP and mainstream parenting. I think that there is a place for boundaries in AP though, especially the AP that is described by Dr. Sears. I think that the answer to this question depends on whether you consider consequences and boundaries a terrible non-AP thing or not and who you are using as your AP and mainstream guides. I really like reading things on this site though, especially the CL things, because they help me to question what I am doing and why and to let some of the little things go.
post #53 of 92
Quote:
Originally Posted by 2cutiekitties View Post
yep! But I don't fit into regular society AT ALL. I fit in nowhere


Haha! That's exactly how I feel. A lot of times, I think I'm too mainstream for MDC, but I'm considered a little wierd IRL for the crunchier stuff.
post #54 of 92
Quote:
Originally Posted by mommy68 View Post
However, I remember co-sleeping with my 13 yr old back in the mid 90's when most people I knew thought I was crazy. The pediatrician told me constantly that it had to stop or it would hurt him long term.
I co-slept with ds1 in '93, and I just didn't tell people. I never figured it was anybody's business, except for those directly affected - me, ds1 and my ex-husband.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sierra View Post
I have met a lot of families from MDC. Without fail, I always get nervous beforehand. Will I live up to their standards of AP, natural family living, etc.?? I bite my figernails, and then we meet up and I discover that no one is the NFL/AP supermom I picture when we are chatting online. All of us fall along a spectrum, and I just haven't met a parent here yet who isn't as complex as the other parents I meet in daily life.
This is so true. I get really nervous meeting other moms from here, because I'm only slightly crispy...if that, these days (my adherence to my crunchy ideals tends to depend on my mental state, and post-Aaron and now first trimest...not so great). But, I really like the moms I've met from here, and don't feel judged irl at all. The hardest one for me is that I'm pretty high stress (have tried a lot of ways of dealing with it), so I do tend to lose my temper and yell at my kids more than I like. The local Tribe all seem to be naturals at the GD stuff, and that does make me nervous. I remember one mom in particular telling me she sometimes yells at her kids, and I was just like, "you...but, but, but...you're so...serene". It actually helped a lot.
post #55 of 92
If you lable yourself, any % Ap, NFL, crunchy etc, how do you feel when you think of yourself as these titles, but your children don't?
I know a, IMO, crunchy AP mom who loves wearing her "baby" in her ergo...but he is not a baby anymore, he wants to run and play with the other "free" kids, but his mom insists on holding him. So I wonder how the situation when from positive AP to IMO negative AP?
Co-sleeping for me was a issue. My dh did not want to co-sleep. I did. And my babies seemed to want to aswell. Both girls sleep well in thier own beds now.. but during those nurse at night months.... I was really stressed about my sleep relationship w/ my dh and my sleep relationship w/ babies.
post #56 of 92
I feel that whole, dont fit anywhere thing too! IRL Im the weird hippie. On here, Im barely crunch. Slightly crunchy?

We cosleep, bf, ebf, tandem nursed, I wear the baby some, but all my kids loved the stroller. Dont even own a crib, dont spank. Do have rules. Do eat at mcdonalds,chuck e cheese, shop at walmart and target andI love bath and body works! I have birthed in a hospital by choice after a not so great experiance with a midwife birth. We are currently homeschooling two, public schooling one.

I agree with pp's who said: we just find what words for us. To me, thats what AP IS....being attuned to and meeting your childs needs, whatever they may be. Example: first ds had to be put to sleep, walked, rocked, strolled,driven. Second ds I was doing that, out of habit, then one night I HAD to put him down in the bassinet to give myself a break, thinking I'll pick him back up in a minute....the second I put him down he was asleep. Poor baby just wanted to be left alone!!! Who knew? So yeah, no two kids are the same, even brothers!
post #57 of 92
'I love this thread. And I especially love what Sierra wrote.

I've been living in an area that doesn't have very good food choices, you never see anyone wearing their baby and CD'ing is a shocker!

Now we are moving to a more progressive area. I want to babysit another child in my home but I wanted to take care of a child whose family had interest in NFL but then I started thinking, "what if they think I'm not that NFL...they might do more than I do."

But it's true...we're all very normal people, the kind you meet at the coffee shop.

Like every other mother here, I'm just doing the best I can with the tools I've got. And if being here on MDC acquires me some new tools...awesome! I'll put them to good work.

OP, I hope you can find new parenting tools here...God knows that our children are ever-changing so we must be prepared!
post #58 of 92
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sierra View Post
I've been with MDC since its infancy, and was a moderator for a number of years here. I helped write the website guidelines to include the idea that "Mothering advocates natural family living, including the ancient way of being with babies and children that is known today as attachment parenting..." that is that natural family living is a broader umbrella that includes attachment parenting. I may have even written those words (can't recall). I've been a Mothering Magazine reader longer...started reading it when I was a preteen (in fact, there is a photo of my mother and sisters standing together at a bus stop in one of the magazines from the 70s).

I have met a lot of families from MDC. Without fail, I always get nervous beforehand. Will I live up to their standards of AP, natural family living, etc.?? I bite my figernails, and then we meet up and I discover that no one is the NFL/AP supermom I picture when we are chatting online. All of us fall along a spectrum, and I just haven't met a parent here yet who isn't as complex as the other parents I meet in daily life.

I think when we are all on here talking about things specifically from the NFL/AP perspective, especially because each of us is going to have certain NFL/AP topics about which we feel very strongly or see things more in black and white, it is easy to get a skewed idea about the kinds of people on "the other end of the line."
Thank you so much for that beautiful post.
post #59 of 92
Quote:
Originally Posted by SAHDS View Post
I do what I feel is best for my children, regardless of what category it may fit into. So, yeah, I am a bit of both.

I'm waiting for it to catch on, but I like to call myself:

CRunchy + mainstEAM = CREAMY!
I like that.
post #60 of 92
Quote:
Originally Posted by jeteaa View Post
If you lable yourself, any % Ap, NFL, crunchy etc, how do you feel when you think of yourself as these titles, but your children don't?
I know a, IMO, crunchy AP mom who loves wearing her "baby" in her ergo...but he is not a baby anymore, he wants to run and play with the other "free" kids, but his mom insists on holding him. So I wonder how the situation when from positive AP to IMO negative AP?
Very good point! Sometimes I think that we are so concern about being that "Perfect Parent" that we fail to parent our children the way that would benefit them the most. I know moms (sils and friends) from either end of the spectrum and some are very fixed in their parenting style/choice and some are very dynamic as their children grow. From observation and talking to them, I found the the more dynamic parents are more relaxed and enjoy their children more.
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