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Difficult living situation & UCing - Page 2

post #21 of 64
i wanted to add that the kind of hormonal imbalances that mimic pregnancy symptoms, or that might be the cause of Pseudocyesis, can cause depression and other altered states of mind -- in which case you would be more likely to have communication and emotional issues with your husband.

when you are depressed you are less likely to appreciate the validation that IS there. when i was depressed i was sure that i wouldn't ever be able to handle the differences between my dp and i.

also, my experience with depression caused an out of control radical change in spiritual beliefs for me, which i'm still kind of reeling from even though i've been on an anti-depressant for a year. i'm not sure this is necessarily your experience but just thought i'd throw it out there.

as for the very basics of the realtionship, uc notwithstanding, come over and pst it in the parents as partners section. you'll get lots of replies!

have you thought of couples counseling?
post #22 of 64
I say this a gently as possible---but I don't think you are actually pregnant. It sounds like you are struggling with something else entirely, and need help. I think it may be time for you to seek out a caring therapist that can help you sort all of this out. You also may need to see a medical doctor to just see what is going on with your body. Since it appears you are having a period each month, your expanding waistline may be due to a hormonal imbalance or even a thyroid condition. There are many medical conditions that can alter our brain chemistry and hormones.

I encourage you to look for some help. Maybe you could call a friend who has been to a therapist for a recommendation.

hugs,
Lisa
post #23 of 64
Under the circumstances, I don't think it's unreasonable for your DH to want some sort of proof that you really are pregnant. Can't you just buy a test and show it to him? Is there some reason that you don't want to do that?
post #24 of 64
Quote:
Originally Posted by choli View Post
Under the circumstances, I don't think it's unreasonable for your DH to want some sort of proof that you really are pregnant. Can't you just buy a test and show it to him? Is there some reason that you don't want to do that?
I believe she said that every time she takes a test, it comes back negative, which is the main reason her DH is doubtful.....
post #25 of 64
Just to be clear, QuantumMama--

I am not suggesting that YOU need the external validation (even though I think it is POSSIBLE that you will get clarifying info, such as a due moon). I was suggesting you see a mw or do something to give your partner the external validation of this pregnancy that HE needs.

But from your last post it sounds like you've made your decision to proceed on your own, without your partner. So, if that is the way it is, then all other discussion or advice is pretty moot now.

best to you and yours.
post #26 of 64
i can't decide if the op's dh is being emotionally neglectful by ignoring what a big deal this is

or if he is just overwhelmed by the op's changed state and is avoiding the subject


of course everyone is different but if it were my situation, my dp would have tried to prove my pregnancy by purchasing a doppler, and asking to hear his baby's heartbeat

or, if he thought i was really wrong about being pregnant he would have contacted outside professional help by now -- getting in contact with family or friends, doctor or a psychotherapist

and my dp is very very emotionally distant -- he has asperger syndrome, and shuts down completely about almost anything that is important to me.

*****

either way op, you have my validation that there ARE huge issues going on in your marriage that aren't just your fault

get this figured out. for the sake of quantam, find out if you are really pregnant. if you aren't -- you can start preparing yourself for breaking the news to him that his little sister isn't coming right now after all

then you can work with a doc to get your body in balance and decide if you want to work on your marriage

if you are pregnant, you'll have the pregnancy paperwork be able to get on medicaid and get child support from dh if moving on is the path you choose to take
post #27 of 64
Thread Starter 
Okay, let's stop the bus, people. This is getting a bit out of hand. I'm starting to feel like I'm being treated like a mental projection based on my story. Also, the whole focus on me getting "proof" is NOT the reason for me bringing any of this up. I tried to explain that before, but you guys are still stuck on it. I came to the UC forum to share what's going on because I assumed that at least some of you would understand the nature of intuition and being able to hear it. How can so many of you say that it doesn't sound like I'm pregnant when you're not in my body? This was my whole point about what I learned from my story...that seeking outside validation is a sign that one has dis-empowered themselves. All the answers we need, all the "tools" that are required for life exist within us. Being UCers, aren't at least some of you aware of this?? So please, people, stop the theories about what's going on with me, stop trying to diagnose me like you're my doctor, stop trying to psychoanalyze me because it's a waste of energy. I didn't come here for that. I simply needed to get all of that off my chest and learn from it and possibly glean some wisdom from others, but now I see that that is pointless. Also, I am not "doing" anything to Chris--he is not in a state of panic over this nor am I not seeing a midwife or doctor out of stubbornness or whatever. Again, intuition is the key. He doesn't feel a need to control this (aka the need to find out for certain) nor do I. I know I am in excellent health (intuition again) so let's end this chaos, shall we?
post #28 of 64
so are you considering uc'ing somewhere else or moving out before the baby is born?
post #29 of 64
Thread Starter 
I know that reacting won't help, so if I move out because I feel the need to leave due to not feeling very connected to Chris then I'm not honoring my spirit. At this point, I'm letting go of all expectations and desires and seeing what flows from that place.



Quote:
Originally Posted by momma4fun View Post
so are you considering uc'ing somewhere else or moving out before the baby is born?
post #30 of 64
Quote:
Originally Posted by QuantumMama View Post
At this point, I'm letting go of all expectations and desires and seeing what flows from that place.
you have superpowers! how does one do this? i have no idea how i could go from being deeply hurt one day, to just releasing it the next day without any expectation or desire to heal from it or make a new connection with it. must be my logical mind (not trying to be snarky -- your book looks really interesting)
post #31 of 64
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by momma4fun View Post
you have superpowers! how does one do this? i have no idea how i could go from being deeply hurt one day, to just releasing it the next day without any expectation or desire to heal from it or make a new connection with it. must be my logical mind (not trying to be snarky -- your book looks really interesting)
I realize I make it look easy, but I've also done a tremendous amount of mental/emotional healing in the last several years that releasing heavy stuff like I mentioned in my story is almost second nature to me now. I still sometimes get lost in it (apparently) but it doesn't stick inside me like it used to. It's an art form, really...takes time and energy but very well worth it in my opinion.
post #32 of 64
I think QM, that some of the people here might be suggesting you look for confirmation of the pregnancy, even here in the UC forum, because there have been 3 or 4 women here that did experience this same kind of thing and turned out not to be pregnant. It was very emotional for them and for their families, feeling as if they'd lost a pregnancy in many ways. I don't see that people are trying to prove that you're unstable or anything.

The other women this happened to were also very well-respected members of this community and were certainly not crazy. I just saw how emotionally invested they were in the idea of this new baby and new pregnancy, and how shocking it was when it was discovered not to be the case.

So please keep in mind that I think people are trying to suggest confirmation because they are trying to be helpful, not hurtful, to you.
post #33 of 64
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lousli View Post
I think QM, that some of the people here might be suggesting you look for confirmation of the pregnancy, even here in the UC forum, because there have been 3 or 4 women here that did experience this same kind of thing and turned out not to be pregnant. It was very emotional for them and for their families, feeling as if they'd lost a pregnancy in many ways. I don't see that people are trying to prove that you're unstable or anything.

The other women this happened to were also very well-respected members of this community and were certainly not crazy. I just saw how emotionally invested they were in the idea of this new baby and new pregnancy, and how shocking it was when it was discovered not to be the case.

So please keep in mind that I think people are trying to suggest confirmation because they are trying to be helpful, not hurtful, to you.
Whatever the reason for the suggestions, I certainly didn't ask for it. Also, I'm not attached to being pregnant in the slightest. If there's a baby, great, if not, I won't feel I have lost anything for there was nothing to lose.
post #34 of 64
You can't really control the type of advice that people will give you when you ask, but you can control the type you'll take. If you don't want to accept the advice to get confirmation of your pregnancy that's fine. But people are reading that as a high level concern whether you are open to their advice or not.

To your question, I think in general it is fine to be raised in a household with multiple spiritualities if they are all equally respected. That gives a person a safe feeling that their own spiritual journey will be respected.

I am not sure that the issue that is causing the divide between you and your husband is having different spirtualities. I think that it is one of many things that is a symptom of a greater divide between the two of you. Part of being in a partnership is sacrificing what is beyond view of the path you travel together. If you are both dead set on being on your own paths that travel where they may then you have to accept that your paths might not always be side by side and that you might have to say good bye.
post #35 of 64
Quote:
Originally Posted by QuantumMama View Post
Whatever the reason for the suggestions, I certainly didn't ask for it. Also, I'm not attached to being pregnant in the slightest. If there's a baby, great, if not, I won't feel I have lost anything for there was nothing to lose.
You haven't asked for it, but it's been given. There are many smart mamas here. Maybe you should look at what all the advice is saying and go seek some outside confirmation.
What are you afraid of?
post #36 of 64
Quote:
Originally Posted by QuantumMama View Post
Whatever the reason for the suggestions, I certainly didn't ask for it. Also, I'm not attached to being pregnant in the slightest. If there's a baby, great, if not, I won't feel I have lost anything for there was nothing to lose.
but what are you going to do? assume you are 2..3..4 weeks postdates? when will you give up? I don't understand how you could say you are not attached. I don't see any other reason why you would refuse to do a simple verification (than you are very attached and know in your heart what's going on).

I think people are concerned for your mental health here. You're not getting the input you want because you're not asking the question that begs to be asked. It's like walking into an ER missing a leg and getting upset because nobody will look at your skin rash.
post #37 of 64
I'm new to these forums and not all that familiar with birthing unassisted, but I'm failing to understand why getting some sort of confirmation of your suspected pregnancy would be betraying yourself? After all, just because an "outsider" confirms a pregnancy doesn't mean they automatically have to be involved in the delivery.
Honestly, I don't fault your husband for doubting. Negative HPT's and an absence of any "sign" that he can see, hear, or feel do tend to lead to the conclusion that you are not, in fact, pregnant and may have some other sort of health issue that is causing your symptoms.
At the very least, you have a son that you both care about and I think it would be wise to make sure that you are in good health in order to ensure that he has the best care possible. I agree with the previous poster who said that finding out if there really is a baby would be a gift to your husband. Even if you do decide to part, he will still be the child's father, and may need some time to adjust to the idea of a second child.
You say you've spent time the past few years figuring out how to honor your spirit. Perhaps right now, the best way to bring your spirit some peace and happiness is to focus on how it exists within your family structure and figure out how to honor their spirits and needs.
post #38 of 64
Quote:
Originally Posted by QuantumMama View Post
Okay, let's stop the bus, people. This is getting a bit out of hand. I'm starting to feel like I'm being treated like a mental projection based on my story. Also, the whole focus on me getting "proof" is NOT the reason for me bringing any of this up. I tried to explain that before, but you guys are still stuck on it. I came to the UC forum to share what's going on because I assumed that at least some of you would understand the nature of intuition and being able to hear it. How can so many of you say that it doesn't sound like I'm pregnant when you're not in my body? This was my whole point about what I learned from my story...that seeking outside validation is a sign that one has dis-empowered themselves. All the answers we need, all the "tools" that are required for life exist within us. Being UCers, aren't at least some of you aware of this?? So please, people, stop the theories about what's going on with me, stop trying to diagnose me like you're my doctor, stop trying to psychoanalyze me because it's a waste of energy. I didn't come here for that. I simply needed to get all of that off my chest and learn from it and possibly glean some wisdom from others, but now I see that that is pointless. Also, I am not "doing" anything to Chris--he is not in a state of panic over this nor am I not seeing a midwife or doctor out of stubbornness or whatever. Again, intuition is the key. He doesn't feel a need to control this (aka the need to find out for certain) nor do I. I know I am in excellent health (intuition again) so let's end this chaos, shall we?
OK. I can tell you why I don't trust your intuition. On February 1, 2007, I miscarried. Nothing especially unusual there- I was half-expecting it anyway, as I literally felt like I was walking round with something dead inside me. Got up the next day, feeling fine, went on with life. I went into labour again that afternoon and miscarried a second baby. A twin. If I missed something as huge as having two lives growing inside me (and I felt a single girl's spirit very clearly for the first weeks of that pregnancy) then it's possible that you are missing something too.
Sometimes, having all the tools within ourselves is a bad thing. Sometimes we need to be able to take a step backwards and look at things objectively to see what's really going on.
post #39 of 64
I was in a very similar situation. Spiritually I 'felt' pregnant. Negative tests (taken for months) HAD to be wrong. I wasn't getting my period so I must be pregnant.

I gained weight, I got bigger and my tummy got rounder. I refused to take more HPT's - what did they know?

I never had that baby, ultrasounds confirmed I wasn't pregnant.

The mind is incredibly powerful, both in very good and occasionally negative ways.

The women here are suggesting you get outside verification to help you. We are concerned for you, and truthfully I care very little about your husband and what he thinks. Not only for your mental health but also for your physical health. There could be something seriously wrong with your health.

Please, please get the help you need. You're in a very dangerous situation. I am speaking from experience - straight from my heart.

I had a reproductive disease that caused my symptoms.

I too had 'nothing to lose' if I wasn't pregnant, but there are days that I still think "what if" about my would be 10 year old.
post #40 of 64
I hope everything turns out well for you.

I cannot help but read this and think of Schrodinger's cat (you know, quantum..). I am not trying to get all deep about it, but just thought it might give you something to ponder.

According to your due date, your husband will be able to feel the baby move through your belly soon, if not already. Perhaps that is all the proof he needs, plus lying down with him waiting for a kick is a great way to feel that oneness, even if temporarily.
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