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Sidebar: Legislating manners?
Seen and Heard: Treating Teens With Respect
By Annamarie Knapp
Issue 94, May/June 1999
Mention the words teenager and respect in the same sentence, and people will probably assume you are referring to disrespectful teenagers. Many adults automatically view teenagers as rude, obnoxious, and discourteous. Interestingly, the same people will also have repeatedly heard that "children live what they learn," but they never apply it to their own attitudes toward teenagers. Perhaps they cannot see that many teenagers are simply returning like with like--mirroring the same level of respect they receive.
A disregard for children as individuals begins when they are infants and escalates throughout the childhood years. Lack of respect for a baby's inner clock can result in inappropriate feeding schedules and naptimes. The perceptions of a toddler are often challenged with ridiculous, cajoling phrases: "You aren't afraid of that loud noise," "You can't still be hungry after that snack," "There's nothing to cry about," "C'mon, that didn't really hurt, be a big girl." The vast majority of children who enter school are expected to learn under a system that does not respect individual learning styles, temperaments, or abilities. Thus one of the most endearing qualities of a young child, the urge to be taken seriously, slowly becomes the most ferocious battle for a teenager. Consider:
The eight year old who proudly pays for his purchases with money he's
saved, only to have the change handed to his father.
The ten year old, in line at the ice cream parlor, who is overlooked by
the cashier and the adult patrons.
The 12 year olds who, finally given permission to walk a couple of miles to a convenience store with their friends, are not allowed to enter in groups of more than two. (And leave your pack at the door, please!)
It is sad to see the resignation and disappointment on a child's face but more disheartening to witness mute acceptance. My 14- and seven-year-old sons, who homeschool, headed to a video game store to browse while I was next door at the bank. I was surprised to see them return almost instantly, asking me to go to the store with them. The clerk told them they could not be in the store until after 3:00 p.m.--after school hours.
The clerk refused my permission for them to be in the store alone, citing store policy prohibiting children under the age of 18 to be on the premises during school hours without a parent. I asked about early dismissals, private schools with different schedules, and homeschoolers. An exaggerated shrug was the reply. I turned to my sons with what I was sure would be our exit line--"It is your choice whether or not you want to spend your money here"--and was shocked to find that they wanted to stay.
Outside the store I presented my arguments to my children. Why support a business that thrives on the dollars of teenagers yet has so little respect for them? Why not tell them you refuse to give your money to a business that discriminates against its shoppers based on age, one that dares to dictate where they think you should be at a given time? My older son did not find it worth making a "big deal" over. He just thought he should respect the rules, never mind that the rules did not respect him.
Our children live in a culture that does not even respect their right to a season of childhood, the time when we are open to the exploration and discovery of our very selves. Children are bombarded instead with carefully aimed advertising, unhealthy sexual attitudes, glamorized violence in the media, and unsuitable role models. Add the pressure to compete in sports and academics, and the season of childhood looks more like an obstacle course than an enviable period of freedom.
Our society offers little respect for the basic legal rights of a minor, often wielding power in ludicrous, not to mention legally challenging, ways. A bill currently pending in New Jersey would allow municipalities to restrict the hours when a minor could be on a public street or in a public place. Not limited to evening hours, the proposed curfew would cover the time period when school is normally in session. A teenager who is not with a legal guardian would have to carry a signed note of permission from a school administrator. In the wake of Columbine, school administrators and politicians across the country have rushed to enforce more control over teenagers. Some of the results of this panicked attempt to exert control have been astoundingly foolish and detrimental to any type of healthy relationship between students and administration. Children have been suspended or expelled for having blue hair; for contributing to websites that school officials disapproved of; and for possessing nail clippers. The case of the student who wore a T-shirt with the word vegan printed on it probably tops this preposterous list--it was interpreted as being a "gang-related" item of clothing.
Teenagers search for fairness with adults who tell them that life is not fair, the "real world" is a tough place, and they need to learn to handle injustice. They are expected to assume the mantle of adulthood in that world. It is difficult to grow under such stifling conditions. If our aim is to raise independent thinkers, children who will reach adulthood with the self-assurance to express their opinions and trust their inner voices, then we need to take teenagers seriously now. They deserve our respectful attention and support; instead, too often they find a society that mostly discounts them until they reach the magical age of 18. That birthday signifies the moment when most of the rules they have had to live with not only disappear but would be considered unconstitutional if applied to an adult. Presumably, the achievement of reaching age 18 suddenly turns the child we mistrusted into a trustworthy member of society.
As parents we are the first models for our children and their guides in recognizing the inconsistencies of adult attitudes. If your child becomes frustrated by a situation, keep the following in mind:
Take your teenager seriously. Respect his or her opinions and ideas just as you would those of a coworker or friend.
Let your teenager know that you disagree with policies and attitudes that demean children.
Teach teenagers how to respond to instances of injustice,
respectfully. Help them organize their thoughts and determine a course
of action.
Stand behind them. Whether questioning a store policy or presenting a
plan to the school principal, teenagers who are just finding their voice
often lack the confidence to proceed.
Guide the teenager who has a tendency toward activism to an outlet. There is a tremendous amount of articulate, thoughtful material on the Internet. The net zines React.com (www.react.com) and BRAT (www.brat.org) are good places to start.
Finally, if you and your teenager feel that there has
been a violation of legal rights, you can do some research at the ACLU
website, www.aclu.org. The site includes links to a student area and
a young people's forum.
Ultimately, our children will reach adulthood and learn that the rules
are different, the playing field a little more level. Until then, the
least we can do is recognize the differences.
Annamarie Knapp lives in Delaware with her husband, Russell, and their children, Jason, Jennifer, and Alex. She is a writer and reviewer for The Book Report Network, www.bookreporter.com, and her features on parenting and homeschooling have appeared in Home Education magazine.
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