Confused about child's contrary answers.

Dear Parent,

What a delightful and assertive child your daughter is. There is no such a thing as a contrary child, only a contrary parent. When we see a child as contrary it means we are negating her; we are contrary to her direction.

Your daughter is expressing her need for power and self-determination. Let her define herself. If you let her keep the wet diaper, she will eventually ask you to take the diaper off. It will be her autonomous decision. She wants to own her life.

If there are foods you don’t want her to eat, don’t make them available. If every food at home and in her environment is healthy, you can let her choose what she wants to eat.

If a food that might make her feel sick is present, either take it away, or, if she insists and it is not a health hazard, let her learn form her own experience.

When she says, “I want a wet diaper,” don’t contradict her. Instead you can say, “I see. That’s up to you,” and let her be. A little rush will not hurt her as much as contradicting her autonomy.

I suspect that you might be communicating to her in a way that leads her to feel controlled. Instead of taking action to change her diaper, or informing her that you are going to do so, you can tell her, “Let me know when you want to change your diaper,” or, “Would you like me to change your diaper?” As self-determined as you say she is, in your examples, she is not. Let go of control. Children don’t have to take a bath daily, leave the park because “its time,” sit for dinner or sleep with a pajama. When safe and harmless, let her decide.

In addition, your daughter wants to feel powerful. Play power games with her as I describe in my book, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves. These games will not only meet her emotional need, but bring much laughter and joy to the whole family.

Warmly,  Naomi Aldort,  www.AuthenticParent.com