Daughter Saying No a Lot

Dear parent,

This phase of development is normal and healthy. Your daughter is asserting her will as she should. Connect with her need to do so. Connection means that you, the parent, connect with your child’s world on her terms. It may mean going out to play without clothes or giving out the outing so she can stay undressed at home. 

Another way to connect with her healthy need to say “no” is to play power games as described in my book, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves. Find something safe she can do against your will and make drama with her refusal. “Oh no, she won’t dress, we cannot go. Oh no, we will have to stay at home forever, what are we going to do?” Continue to empower her “no” so she gets full satisfaction of it. You will then not only feel connected, but actually support her healthy process of self-realization.

In addition, be aware of her need for autonomy as you choose your words. “You must get dressed now,” is disrespectful and will ignite your child’s need to resist (you probably don’t say that but I wanted an extreme example.) “Let me know when you want to get dressed to go to the park,” leaves the power of decision in her hands. And if she doesn’t, you don’t go. Likewise, don’t impose your will, don’t interrupt her play because you want to go shopping. Respect her as you would an adult and she will have a lot less emotional charge around going with the flow and less need to say “no.” Eliminate “no” not only in your words, but also in your actions. Let her life be a “yes” so she can relax about it. 

Even when you must refuse your child’s request, you can say “yes” to her intent. “I see that you want to spill water all over the kitchen. Lets go outside to play with the water hose.” Or, “I see that you love to paint on the wall,” and designate a wall she can paint on, or cover the wall with thick paper. Parenting is about letting go of control while staying a compassionate leader. Being a leader is not about getting your way, but about making the conditions be easily agreeable.

Warmly, Naomi Aldort, http://authenticparent.com/