Differing Values

As a mother of four boys, I hear you! It's very hard to keep them protected from the boy culture of ninjas, jedis, and fighting machines, and unless we keep them in a soundproof, bubble until they grow up, they will be heavily influenced by the media, peers and strangers. The key here is to build your relationship with him so that it's a stronger influence on him than the violence he sees in the world. As a parent of a growing child, you can't shield him from bad influences. It's a bit easier when he is four-years-old, but much harder when he is ten-years-old and older. You will always be in control of your relationship with your son, but not the outside influences he experiences. The problem with banning bad influences is that it tends to have the opposite effect; children want the forbidden fruit that much more. My philosophy has always been to nudge and not force. By all means, tell him that you are not happy with the values being portrayed and why they are offensive to you. Giving him that information allows him to consider another persons' opinion and values. With young children, you can do a lot to prevent him from seeing violence. You can limit many things in your house. With other people's houses, you tend to have no control over the amount of violence exposed. With older children and teens, you can say, "I don't like violent video games and prefer not to watch you play them." That tells teens that you are not comfortable with their choices, but they are their choices. Children are experimenting with values as they grow, and it's necessary for them to try some on and decide for themselves what to keep and what to throw out. Most children will adopt at least 75 percent of their parent's values by the time they are 25-years-old, if their relationship with their parents is a solid one. Above all, model the values you want your child to have: generosity, non-violence, friendliness, caring, and so on. It's helpful if your partner or the male role models in your son's life model those values, too. Boys need to see that nurturing and caring is manly. Above all, don't worry too much about cultural influence. Parents are still the biggest influence on children's values and morals and your practice of caring human traits and relationships will override the media hype.