Fear Of The Dark When Going to bed

Dear Parent,

Your daughter is trying to heal herself from some fear related to dark or sleep or both. She must have either had an experience you are not aware of, heard of something from another child or an unaware relative, misunderstood something in a story, heard a scary sound while being in the dark or some other experience. Sometimes a child hears part of a conversation without fully understanding it, and comes to scary conclusions. 

In my book, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves, I describe how children do their own self-healing therapy to alleviate rage, fear and other anxieties. You can read the examples of such healing therapy which will help you understand and assist your daughter. She is trying to relieve herself by going into the fear. She is taking the right steps and needs your participation. 

I suggest that you join her and follow her lead. If she wants to go into a dark place, go with her and listen to her. Be interested in what she says, and stay calm. Don’t join her emotions, only be present. Her experience is her own. You are fine in the dark and just watching her experience with love and care. Ask her about her feelings without dramatizing and if a story comes out, straiten her misconceptions by validating and then giving information, “I see, you thought that in the dark.... I can see how scary this can feel. Well, in reality, no, this cannot happen... etc.”

To know why she cried for so long I will need to speak with you and know what you said to her or what was missing. It sounds like you may have aggravated her by negating her experience and not joining her. You may need more guidance than I can give in an “answer.” If you do, you can sign up for a phone session with me so you can not only resolve this issue but prevent others like it. You can sign up for a session here: http://authenticparent.com/guidance.html

Warmly, Naomi Aldort, http://authenticparent.com/