Need help desperately...dad doesn't want baby...

[LLLKerry]

I am in a dire situation...my husband and I have 5 kids between us, 2 each when we got married, one together (3 and a half years old). I have always stayed at home and done childcare to support my kids from my first marriage and help pay our bills, but we don't have much $. I have always wanted one more baby and my husband decided he did not want anymore after our first child together was born. I was on the mini-pill after a bad experience with the IUD, and I wasn't as careful with them as I should have been. I am now 7 weeks pregnant and my husband is adamant that I have an abortion. I have been nurturing this pregnany, gave up all caffeine, eat well, take my prenatal vitamins, etc, and was praying my husband would come around. He has not, and is making me an appontment tomorrow for the abortion, apparently. I can't possibly destroy this precious new life that I have grown so attached to. But it seems as if he will divorce me (or at least resent me horribly) if I do not. I can't be a single parent again, this time with 4 children, and my parents will disown me if I choose that path. I have zero in financial regards. Both of our families would be horrified to find out I am pregnant (even though we are extremely devoted parents) because of our financial situation. I need advice desperately.

[kama'aina mama]

Oh my. I haven't any advice for you really. I know I could never have an abortion simply because someone else demanded it. I will pray for you.

[mamaduck]

Its not up to anyone except you. Your choice alone.

You are concerned that he will resent you. But is he considering the fact that *you* will feel resentment toward him, and carry with you a profound sense of loss, possibly forever?

You cannot control what he feels, or whether he stays or goes. Don't try. Do what *you* need to do to thrive in this life.

I'm angry that he is not supporting you in this.

[Charles Baudelaire]

I'd like to offer an obvious solution, one that will take a great deal of strength of will, and that is to give your child up for adoption. There are so many people who would love to be in your situation -- a mom of four -- and who cannot be parents of even one. You would be giving this child a chance at a life with two parents who genuinely wanted him (as opposed to only one who does).

I am sorry to be doubtful about your story, but one thought that crosses my mind is whether or not you intended more or less consciously to "not be as careful with [your pills] as [you] should" in order to force the issue and conceive a child in the hope your husband would accept it once it was a "done deal." If this is not the case (and I don't know, I wasn't there!) and I am being entirely unfair, then I apologize heartily.

If I am not, though, then in all honesty, you took a risk and you lost. Your husband was fair with you: he made it clear that he wanted no more children. What did you think his reaction would logically be?? It strikes me that you cannot in all conscience divorce him. For one, what has he done wrong? Make himself clear and then be consistent about what he said? It would be financially unwise for you and your children as well as very damaging to them, I would think.

It will take courage to give a child away. It will take a great deal of strength and love for that child and a willingness to put your child's needs ahead of your own. The child deserves a good home with people who want him, and he won't have that in your current situation, it seems to me. Forgive me if I have been too blunt, but no matter what, I wish you and all your family well in this difficult time.

[mamaduck]

I am sorry to be doubtful about your story, but one thought that crosses my mind is whether or not you intended more or less consciously to "not be as careful with [your pills] as [you] should" in order to force the issue and conceive a child in the hope your husband would accept it once it was a "done deal."

Holy crap. What a thing to say! If he was that concerned, then he should have taken responsibility for birth control himself.

[kama'aina mama]

Charles you owe her an apology on two counts. The first is the insinuation that she did this on purpose. It takes two people to make a baby. She was trying to use protection and he (you know... the one who is so adamant about not having any!) was, uh... let's now. Oh yes. He was having sex without taking any personal responsibility for the possible outcome. There are methods of contraception men can use... perhaps you hadn't heard. If he is so bloody concerned about having a baby he can wear a damn condom or get snipped. he had sex. He started a pregnancy. He is at least as responsible as she and in my mind more so. She was using contraception and he wasn't.

Secondly... she isn't threatening divorce. HE is. So who is being illogical and unconscienable? And "what has he done wrong?" Honestly! If you are going to say hurtful things to people at least take the time to read carefully and get the situation right!

[True Blue]

I think you will regret the abortion for the rest of your life and resent your husband for it so much that it will destroy your realtionship. Personally, I'd rather have the baby that is alive and I love and know I did nothing wrong and have my DH upset/resentful than feel crappy the rest of my life for a poor decision. At least you will know you did the right thing. Your DH is part responsible for the pregnancy, and terminating the life after the fact is not being responsible in the way of birth control. If you have ANY doubts about aborting this baby, DON'T DO IT. It will ruin you, and in the end probably your marriage as well anyway. Hugs to you...you are in a tough situation. Your husband may come around in time...if he leaves you, he just might realize what a silly reason it is for a divorce and come back home!! Prayers and hugs and good wishes....

[shelbean91]

I agree with everyone else. It's your choice, not his. If he want's this abortion so bad, let him have it. (of course, that's not possible- just trying to make a point)

He says he will divorce you if you don't do it. Honestly, if he forces you to go through with it, and you do it against your will, I don't think you have that great of a marriage to begin with. I think you will eventually resent HIM and will end up getting divorced anyway.

Have him make an appt for a vasectomy and figure out a way to provide for this new baby. What happens if you do go through with it and you end up pg again b/c of failed birth control? How would you and he deal with that?

[shelbean91]

Sorry, dup post.

[feebeeglee]

I posted a cross-link to this thread in Parents as Partners to get you some more insight, perhaps, on how to mend the relationship without sacrificing anything you may regret.

:hug

[LLLKerry]

I so appreciate everyone's (even Charles') response. I feel worse than I ever knew I could. My husband went to Planned Parenthood today (they said I had to call) and then came home and gave me the number to call. I begged, pleaded, negotiated, etc., and he wouldn't budge. I actually called Planned Parenthood and sceduled the appointment for next week, sure that my husband would change his mind and tell me he would never make me go through that, but he did not. I called his mother, hoping I would have her support, and she agreed that it wasn't fair for my husband to have to support any more kids, that abortion, as sad as it is, was the only solution. I told my husband that I could never sleep with him again, that our trust had been shattered, and he said that he loved me more than anything and did not want to lose me, but...he was sorry if I had to make that choice (to divorce). I am so at a loss, I feel I will lose my mind (as well as have to give up being a LLL leader, I will ache desperately every time I see a baby). My whole life has been dedicated to my children, I always wanted more, and my husband should certainly have had a vasectomy, but I am to blame as well for not pushing that issue, I admit I did hope he would change his mind and one day agree to one more. He now is sceduling an appointment for the vasectomy . He knows how desperate I feel about all of this, but he is unshakable in his beleive that it will ruin his life if we have another, and his family all agree. I did look into adoption because although it would devestate me, it would hurt even more to kill this new life, and at least a family would be made very happy. But my husband said he could never terminate his parental rights (!!) once the baby was born. My other concern with adoption is how our other children (ages 3, 11, 12, 14, 19) would react. I do think it is a much better alternative than my husband wants, but again I have zero family support and only a low paying job, I can't make it on my own with my 3 children. I know no one can give me any answers, but I appreciate every reply, it makes me feel less alone, but ultimately my life will be irrevocably changed in every way, and I don't know how to cope.

[Arduinna]

Kerry, I'm so glad that came back and posted an update. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I wonder if there is someone that you two can get counseling from. I'm not sure if your a member of a church, synagogue or other spiritual group that may offer counseling. I'm not saying it will cure your problem, but at least it will give you additional support and maybe somehow you and your husband can come to a place of understanding and agreement.

You have my support no matter what you decide. Please do what is right for you though and not just what someone else wants.

[mamaduck]

His attitude is unreal. Its too late. He didn't have a vasectomy. You are pregnant. It is *very* wrong for anyone to coerce a woman into an abortion. Wrong, and sick. And very revealing that he would insist on this, but would not be willing to terminate parental rights after the fact.

I always wanted more, and my husband should certainly have had a vasectomy, but I am to blame as well for not pushing that issue, I admit I did hope he would change his mind and one day agree to one more.

This is untrue! You are not to blame. If he feels strongly enought to force you to have an abortion, then he should have forced the issue long before now by having a vasectomy. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME. Not at all.

And you have no reason to feel guilty for wanting more children either.

What kind of man insists forces his wife to terminate a pregnancy by threat of divorce? IMO, not a very desirable man. Not a man with integrity.

[shelbean91]

Again, he can't make you do it. Only you can make the choice to go through with it and you're the one who has to live with the guilt every day of knowing what you've done. Your kids will find out someday- how will they react then?

It's not his choice, it's yours. If he chooses to leave you b/c you won't do this, that's his problem. I'm sure you'll find a way to support yourself. If you can't get a job right away, you can get state assistance and insurance.

Could you honestly stay with a man who coerced you into doing this? Let him make the choice to leave if he wants- you don't do anything you will regret. If you do go through with it and you ultimately divorce, then it will all be for nothing. How will you feel about this baby then?

Also, if you go to the planned parenthood appt, I believe there's a 24 hour waiting period and if you tell them you don't want to do it, I don't think they will do it anyway.

Edited to add: I am very prochoice, but what is happening here isn't your choice. If you posted this and said you wanted this, but were still sad about it, I would be behind you 100% and say sorry you're in this position. This is his choice, not yours and you don't want to do it. You don't have to.

[AdinaL]

Please follow only YOUR heart on this. Please don't let what he says, or what his family says make the decision for you. You sound like you already know what you want.

This is not his body, his choice. He does not have to live with the guilt the repercussions. Only you have to do that every day. I know it is hard, but if you do not want to abort, then you do not have to. And if he is so selfish as to say that he wouldn't be willing to terminate parental rights after the baby is born, so as not to give you another option other than abortion, then you really need to decide what you want and tell him how it will be.

None of this is your fault. It takes two people and he was the one who adamantly didn't want more children. He should have taken steps to insure he didn't have them.

You have my support no matter what happens. Much love and strength to you.

[feebeeglee]

I spoke with my husband about this, and he told me to ask you the following hypothetical question:

Suppose your DH had come home and told you he wanted you to take your 3 year old to the doctor's office and have the child killed...

What would your reaction be then?

The child you carry in your womb is wanted by you as much as the child you carry in your arms each night. Don't let the mere legality that killing one is permitted and killing the other is murder blind you to that fact.

[Artisan]

Oh, I'm so sorry you're in this horrible situation!

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT! Even if you had been 100% careful with your pills, accidents still happen. (My mother got pregnant on the pill, and I have two friends that did as well.) I agree with the others who said that if he was so concerned, he should have taken measures to keep this from happening.

Under no circumstances should you go through with the abortion unless YOU decide you want to. (And having your husband say he will divorce you is not making up your mind -- that is coercion!) It really doesn't sound like you want to terminate the pregnancy. I wouldn't do it. If he initiates divorce proceedings, have him explain to the judge that he wants a divorce because his wife wouldn't have an abortion. (That would not go over very well.)

I will be keeping you in my thoughts! ((((((hugs)))))))

[cassdarrow]

Mama, don't do it. Don't do it. Contact a post abortion support group, and find out more about the repurcussions you will be dealing with if you do.

I understand your DH says you have to, and I understand he threatened you. But in the end, it will be you on the table with your feet in the stirrups, allowing someone to kill your baby.

If he carries through on his threat, let him. Then when you go to court, take him for everything he's got. Alimony and child support. If that won't work, get state aid.

Don;t give yourself nightmares every night forever. You know your babe has a beating heart already? And precious tiny feet? As a previous poster said, the only difference in this one and your three year old is time, and legality.

Mama, don't do it.

[Tracy]

I know no one can give me any answers, but I appreciate every reply, it makes me feel less alone, but ultimately my life will be irrevocably changed in every way, and I don't know how to cope.


As far as I'm concerned your life is already irrevocalby changed in every way..... And it it not because of the baby. It is because of your husband's attitude.

I would not put his name on the baby's birth certificate and I would set up for adoption. I would also, start from this minute on ...figure out your escape route because under no circumstances would I continue in this relationship. Although, you don't need to fold him on that piece of data until you are ready.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. But saving this unborn baby is what your heart is telling you to do and i never think the heart is wrong.

[Zanymom]

ohh mommy i am so sorry this is happening to you!!! I really am. This is the worst. But please, please, please do not go through with the abortion. Cancel your apt. If you do not want it you should not do it. I agree with everything else that has been posted (well except charles). you will regret it and it will not be good for your marriage. I think you and your husband need more time decideing what to do.

Think about this....most of your kids are older....2 should be out of the house within the next 5 years. And then your baby will only be 5. And if you breastfeed and cloth diaper, it won't cost that much money for the new baby. In fact i bet there are alot of momma here that would donate diapers and clothes for your baby. I will. Anyways, by the time your baby is older and in school, you will only have 1 or 2 kids at home. You guys can do it!!!! I am sure there are programs in your town that can help.

As far as adoption...I had a baby that I placed for adoption. But while I was pregant I had so many offers from friends who wanted to take the baby and care for her until I could get back on my feet whether it be a year or 5 years. Do you know anyone who would be able to do anything like that for you? Then you could still keep in contact, and bring your baby home when you are ready? Just an idea....anything beside an abortion..


This makes me so sad. If you lived close i would come pick up you and your kids right now.

Please do not make any quick decision about this. Once again I am so sorry you have to go through with this. many hugs to you

[steelmagnolia4]

I have walked in somewhat similar shoes as yours, although my DH did not demand I have an abortion. However, he was very much against having another baby when we discovered I was PG with baby #4. Luckily we came through with our marriage intact and a wonderful child to bless and enrich our lives.

If your DH loves you more than anything and would hate to lose you... he would not ask this. When you have to beg, plead, and negotiate to give birth to the child who is already alive inside you, something is terribly terribly wrong. Please do not let him coerce you into making a choice you do not want to make. Don't let yourself be manipulated into it. There are many options out there, some I would have exercised had my DH ever told me to get an abortion or get out.

My heart just hurts for you in so many ways but I know the deep pain of being told by the man you love that he does not want your child.

Gentle hugs, Mama. Keep talking here and maybe we can work through this with you somehow. If nothing else, you have my prayers and a shoulder to cry on. You are NOT alone.

[kindmomma]

Momma, this has me thinking. I am so sorry you are having to go through this.
I could not imagine a man with children making this sort of decision. When I became pregnant with my first my IN-laws said the same thing to me, so did Jeff. But now 5 1/2 years later I could not imagine my life without her. All the wonderful days she has filled in my life, the happiness she has brought me.
This is not a decision to be made. Better yet not something that should shatter your marriage. Children are conceived in love. The love between a man and a woman. And with him putting off his vasectomy he knew it was an option.
I would tell my husband that if he wanted me to do this to our child I would have to seriously wuestion our status as a couple. What a horrible thing for someone who is supposed to love you to say.
I hope you can remain strong through all of this. Remember this is a baby, not a disease, it cannot and will not "go away"
Your trauma from this will be with you forever. Is he willing to live with that? Live with a broken woman who resents the air he breathes? I agree your love life would be over. How could you be with a man you cannot trust?
I will keep you in my thoughts, your post really hit home for me. I can honestly say I have never ever regretted my decision to have Jessica, she is my shining star and my beautiful daughter.
Please remain strong, do not let him wear you down, stay strong, stand your ground.
We love you and are here for you
:love

[mamabeard]

oh, mama, i feel for you.:hug

my story is very similar to yours.

in my case i was a single mama to a 1.5 year old when my ex-bf and i got together. neither of us felt ready to have another child, yet neither were adamantly opposed. we were careful with birth control (just condoms), but not 100% so (charted, and used nfp so we wouldn't *always* use condoms. also, i refused to take the pill becasue of side effects). anyway, we got pregnant once, he was upset and i was scared but very happy. i could feel the soul of this baby, and sHe was VERY sweet. my ex was very angry and told me it would ruin his life. shortly thereafter i miscarried.

we continued to do nfp, and almost a year later we conceived again. again, he was very angry. we spent a month trying to decide what to do. i was scared, but i wanted to keep it. he became progressively more angry and juvinile, exclaiming that it would eff up his life, and threatening suicide and the like. he kept telling me i should have an abortion; that its life would be hellish, that it was a sad baby. i was so torn. i knew i wanted to keep it, but he was erroding all of my happiness, and i was afraid that he *would* do something drastic. i also didn't want to lose him (he did threaten to break up several times as well). so i had the abortion. :(

i had very mixed feelings about it afterward. on the one hand i was relieved, because i felt it was infact bad timing, and didn't feel ready to be a good mama under the circumstances. also, the hospital staff were very kind and not judgemental. but of course, my heart was in tremendous pain. the fact that i was pregnant, then suddenly unconscious, then suddenly awake and bleeding, with no baby in me was shocking and (still is) hard to come to terms with. where did sHe go? was sHe hurt? it still makes me cry.

my story does have a positive twist to it, tho. three months later i got pregnant again(!) this time i felt stronger. i also feel that this is the same baby's soul who was tryng to come to me before, only i wasn't ready. this time i wouldn't budge, and i would keep hir. my ex was angry and scared again, but my heart was telling me that i needed to know this child. so i left my ex and am raising both my chilren alone. my ex and i are slowly working on our communication, and he does eventually want to have some real part in his child's life. but what matters is i that i did what i felt i needed to. no man is worth a child's life.

i'm sorry to hijack your thread. i know that if i hadn't been given that third chance to welcome my baby, i would be deeply regretful and also very angry with my ex (and myself).

i agree that your heart knows what is best.

and if you want to keep your baby, you CAN do it! and i'm thinking your older children could help..?

good luck, mama. i know it is a VERY scary place to be.
i am still healing from my experience, and it still does haunt me from time to time.
:hug

[LLLKerry]

I appreciate every single one of you and your extremely heartfelt replies.....everything that has been written touches me so deeply, I can't stop crying. I do know what it is like to raise children on my own, I was 18 and 21 when I had my first 2, (now they are 11 and 14), and I was single for about 7 years raising them while going to college, while on welfare. My family wanted me to abort those beautiful children as well, and I thank God every day that I did not listen to ANYONE. The difference now is my family as well as my husbands will all disown me, and state assistence is no longer an option (because I was on it too long before, there is a 5 year cap in California). If I leave my husband to have this baby, I have no family, no place to live, and few options, plus absolute ridicule from all of the family. However, I feel this child so deeply, I've dreamt of her birth, I've nurtured this pregnancy every day since I found out almost a month ago. My husband seems to feel pain about this issue as well, but we are living in a house that his parents own, and he works for them, and they are totally opposed to another pregnancy. Even with my last pregnancy (my 3 and a half year old love of my life Dylan), my husband and I were only engaged at that point, and for the first 2 weeks he wanted me to abort, and I fought like mad and he caved in. We had a miraculous homebirth and he is the love of both of our lives...how can anyone have wanted a child aborted, then had him and adore him, yet want his sibling aborted? It defies comprehension. But my husband thinks it is our only hope of ever owning a home, getting ahead,etc. (I have been home with the children, doing some home day care, but making only a fraction of what our expenses are). In truth, we have everything we need for a baby, our king size bed, cloth diapers, clothes from our son as well as other hand me downs, extra car seats, and slings. I don't need anything else that I couldn't get from a used clothing store. But my husband is also upset because our son is still breastfed and sleeps with us and he thinks we'll never have time together as a couple if we start all over again. But if he makes me go through with killing our baby, I'll never be with him again period. Apparently that is easier for him to bear than having another child with me. But my parents expressly told me after my last child was born to never have another (they knew our financial situation, as well as our marriage, was precarious so I am sure they will disown me if I do this again, they don't want to feel like they have to help me financially (as they said "You made your bed, now lie in it" after my first 2 were born), yet they have a ton of money. They most of all want me to have a career and be self-sufficient, and neither my family nor my husband's has ever approved of me staying home with my children for their first 5 years. I am so incredibly torn, I think I am going to go to an adoption agency tomorrow just to get info, but my husband made clear that he could not stay with me if I chose that route. He really is not a horrible man, but I guess our life seems chotic to him now and since our son was born I've never really left him (he is rather high need) with anyone at all, so my husband feels left out. I told him I would change that if we had this baby but he didn't seem to listen. Anyway, again my heartfelt thank you to you wonderful people for listening to my grief and responding so kindly, I keep praying he will change his mind, but my hope is dimming...

[mamaduck]

Kerry, He is unwilling to give up parental rights after birth. But does he see that you are as attached to this child already as he would be to a born child? He is not recognizing that this child is already a part of you. Tell him that you are unwilling to give up *your* parental rights at this point.

Please recognize that you are his equal in this family -- and that the things you do for your family (and his family) are equal in worth and necessity to the things that he contributes. He and his children need you as much as you need him. If he can't see that, then he is an ass.

But whether he sees it or not, you have as much right as he does to hold your ground on family issues -- and much more of a right when it concerns your body!

I agree with whoever said it - sue for alimony and child support.

[steelmagnolia4]

I am feeling like I am reading that you do NOT want an abortion but you do NOT want to lose your husband or your family over this either. Many of the things your husband has said to you are things that mine also said (minus the abortion). His family was also very against us having a 4th child. I did not want to lose my husband either but feared I might well anyway, as he did not speak to me for 4 months after finding out I was pg.

I spoke to my DH about this last night, as he has been in your husband's shoes in some ways. He said that by not having the vasectomy, your husband already made the choice that another child was an option. He is running scared right now. The very fact that he would refuse to give the child up for adoption points to the fact that he recognizes that he would love this child once it is born.

Mama, I think you need to stand your ground. I know you think you don't have any options but there are always options. This is not something that is up to your family or his family or even him anymore. This is all on you and I know it feels scary. I would be willing to bet that if you call his bluff that he will eventually back down. He is trying to manipulate you into doing what HE wants because he can't see past what HE wants right now.

Listen, I'm sure he doesn't know you are telling us all this and my own DH is not one to get crazy about talking to "internet people" but I would be more than willing to have my DH talk to yours if you thought it would make any difference at all, or if he would be receptive. Perhaps he has not spoken to anyone about what he is feeling and I suspect that few men would actually admit to telling their wives that they would have to get an abortion or lose them. Sometimes they need to hear from another man what no woman can tell them. My DH has a way of laying it on the line without making a person feel like crap.

Are you religious at all in that perhaps you have a clergy person you could speak to? I know that my pastor was enormously helpful when we had baby #3 (who was planned but came at a time when no one in the family thought it was a good time for us :rolleyes: )

I am very serious about having my DH talk to yours if you need him to, so please don't dismiss that. Of course, if you haven't told your DH that you have reached out for support, this may not be a good idea, but I want you to know that the option is there.

More hugs, Mama.

[Charles Baudelaire]

To Mamaduck:

Mamaduck, if he had reason to believe that she was taking the pills (which he did), then he wouldn't have felt it necessary to double up the protection. He trusted her to take them correctly.

To Kama'aina

I apologized to her in my OP if my thoughts were wrong, realizing (of course) that I was not there. Please feel free to cross-check this information.

Edited to add:

However, I also agree with the others who said that if he were truly done with having children, he should have had a vasectomy. I do not believe birth control should be solely the woman's responsibility (or solely the man's, FWIW). I think Heather's response was insightful and sharp. No matter what, if you are strongly opposed to an abortion, please do not have one, because I think you would feel horridly guilty about it for the rest of your life. I am pro-choice, but your "choice" in the matter is not to choose *that* option.

I wish you all well.

[Charles Baudelaire]

LLL --

It pains me to hear how much you would be hurt by an abortion. I think both people who contributed to the child need to come to a decision -- it would not be fair for you OR HIM to make a unilateral decision, as he's trying to do by forcing you to abort.

I completely do not understand your husband's logic in saying he could "never terminate his parental rights (!!) once the baby was born. My other concern with adoption is how our other children (ages 3, 11, 12, 14, 19) would react."

He's talking about terminating a heck of a lot more than his parental rights. Second, I think it's a lot easier to explain to your kids how you gave a child to a family who desperately wanted one than how your husband compelled you to terminate a perfectly healthy child. No matter what, again, I wish you support and I wish you the best for your family.

[Quirky]

Originally posted by Charles Baudelaire
To Mamaduck:

Mamaduck, if he had reason to believe that she was taking the pills (which he did), then he wouldn't have felt it necessary to double up the protection. He trusted her to take them correctly.


WTF????? There is NO 100% guaranteed method of contraception! I've known women to get pregnant while CORRECTLY using the Pill, the mini-pill, and the IUD, not to mention condoms. Saying what you've said is blaming LLLKerry for getting pregnant, which is patently unfair and totally uncalled for. :angry

Kerry, I've been reading this thread with a heavy heart. You are between a rock and a hard place. I agree with the posters above who say that whatever you decide, it needs to be YOUR CHOICE, freely entered into. Whatever you decide, you have my sympathy and my support. :hug

[Artisan]

I've thought about you a lot today, and I'm so so sorry you're still going through this. I still agree with what I said before and with the advice everyone else gave -- DON'T DO IT! You clearly do not want to end the pregnancy.

What if you just stalled and stalled (not bringing up the pregnancy) until it was too late to do one? Once your belly started growing, it would be much harder for your family and DH to look at you and say "get rid of it."

DON'T DO IT!!!! You will regret it forever. You have the right to not end the pregnancy if you don't want to. You have that right as a person, you have that right as a woman, you have that right as your DH's wife.

Hugs for you.

[mamaduck]

Charles, your original post on this thread was patronizing. You have no business pointing out wrongs or calling Kerri down whatsoever. Even if she did this on purpose, which she clearly didn't, but even if she did -- it is completely unhelpful and "paternal" to look down on her by pointing out her wrongs. She is a pregnant woman, not a mischeivous or deceptive little girl. She absolutely deserves respect, support, and more support.

[Apricot]

Originally posted by LLLKerry
I have always stayed at home and done childcare to support my kids from my first marriage and help pay our bills, but we don't have much $.
This quote raises my hackles up. You're not a partnership or a family? You have to support "your" kids? I hope that it's just not coming through in this medium, but that you are a healthy family with a good dynamic and good trust. But it sounds like he's not really into spending money on things he didn't "sign up for". Imagine where you will be in 5 years. Do you still love him? Where are you? What are you doing? What is he doing? Do you want to save this relationship? Decide about the relationship first, then negotiate for what you want.

[chrissy]

I just wanted to lend my support. I don't think there's much I can say that hasn't already been said. Your husband sounds terrified to me and that's fair. It is NOT fair, however, for him to force you to abort against your will.

I want to add, as some others have, that I am pro-choice, the operative word being CHOICE. This has got to be your choice. If YOU decide that abortion is the right choice for you then it is. If you can't say that, then it is the wrong choice.

I am so very sorry you are going through this.

[AnnMarie]

Originally posted by LLLKerry
But if he makes me go through with killing our baby, I'll never be with him again period.

First of all, he can't make you do it. If you go through with it then it's on YOUR shoulders, not his. Second, sounds like you won't really have a marriage either way. You have to do what you feel is right. You have to do what you won't regret for the rest of your life. Chances are he'll get over it and if not then he'll have to pay child support if he leaves you plus you can still do your daycare. You will get through this. Hang in there. :hug

[cumulus]

I'm going to suggest something even though I think my suggestions should generally be ignored. Perhaps moving the process away from debate, discussion, or argument to invitation might help. Let babies do the convincing. As you become quiet on the issue, albums with baby pictures of the children appear, any friends who have babies stop by to visit, and you cast knowing glances at him while you or he are holding your youngest. You rent that movie with Steve Martin (can't remember the title) wherein he's in something of the position of your husband, doubting if he wants another child, and his mother-in-law, knowing his dilemma, describes how she has always preferred the adventure of the roller coaster to the predictabilty of the merry-go-round (after dispensing this bit of wisdom she goes outside and sits in the wrong car). Somewhere in all this you might even let on, maybe at the onset, depending on things, with a smile or wink, what you are about if he doesn't get it so that it remains a pressureless, gentle smile of invitation. You are pressured for time so perhaps trying one of these or other ideas to see how he responds might let you know if it's OK to proceed on this track. I would think the gentlest suggestion might be the most powerful as he can choose as opposed to concede.

"Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit." ~ Bill Cosby

[Snowy Owl]

Charles Baudelaire, i think your comments were perfectly reasonable. After all, it wasn't the pill that failed, it was taking them improperly. Which isn't the point anyway but I just wanted to say that I heard where you were coming from.

LLLKerry, you know you cannot have this abortion. I'm so sorry that your family is so mean spirited and unsuppotive. And that your husband doesn't get it at all. Maybe he is so stressed out he can't think clearly. No matter what he says, he cannot make you do this. You can't control someone by threatening to abandon them if they don't submit to your will. Why don't you get a part time job? If the daycare thing isn't paying off, why not work somewhere else? Being at home isn't always the best option. Maybe you think your youngest child couldn't handle separation, but that is actually very unlikely to be the case. It sounds like having an income is more important than ideals right now. I'm sorry that your state would sooner see a family thrown out on the street then assist with financial aid. How barbaric.
I hope to hear an update, and do wish you and your family the best. Things will turn out okay.
Keep taking those prenatal vitamins!

[mamabeard]

Originally posted by cumulus
You rent that movie with Steve Martin (can't remember the title) wherein he's in something of the position of your husband, doubting if he wants another child, and his mother-in-law, knowing his dilemma, describes how she has always preferred the adventure of the roller coaster to the predictabilty of the merry-go-round (after dispensing this bit of wisdom she goes outside and sits in the wrong car).

:thumb parenthood

[LLLKerry]

Hello again,
Just an update, for what it's worth I canceled my appointment for Planned Parenthood today (for the record, I asked them what they did in cases where a woman comes in for an abortion with her husband but doesn't want to go through with it, and she says they secretly escort them out another door, helpful in the moment but long term?!) and sceduled an appointment with a counselor. My husband is not aware that I canceled the abortion but (thanks to a couple of posts I read) I did tell him last night that I could not go through with it until we at least had a counseling session and he agreed to do so. I am afraid he assumes the counseling session is just for "closure", but at least it's a start. In reading the different responses I feel compelled to clarify about the birth control pills...I ASSUME I did not take them correctly only because I am pregnant, I took them every day (except once a few months back, but I realized my mistake immediately and told my husband to use a condom until a week of correct usage had passed), but apparently with the progestin only pills you must take them at the exact same time every day or they are less likely to work. I know there were some days that I didn't wind up taking them until almost midnight (instead of my usual 8-9 PM) so I assume that is how this happened. I do agree though with those who stated that if he did not ever want a child then a vasectomy should have been done a couple of years ago. Again, though, I never encouraged the vasectomy for the simple reason that I fervently hoped he would change his mind and agree to one morechild. Anyway, it is all beside the point now...

Basically what I see coming out of the counseling is that the issue comes down to this...if I want to keep the baby, he'll divorce me, and if I abort for him, I'll leave him (eventually, anyway). Deep down, I know he and I love each other and although we are realistic about the high risk of failure for blended family marriages, we really hoped to not divorce. However, with him being so dependent on his parents (he works for them as I mentioned and we rent their house from them, plus he spends about 6 days a week, at least, with them and really NEEDS their approval) I am so afraid that his mom especially is telling him every single day not to back down on this issue. His life isn't really his own, in a way, because they have emotionally and in some ways financially supported him through 2 previous divorces as well as custody battles, and he feels obligated to them. Apparently they told him, long before I became pregnant this time, to NEVER get me pregnant again (which is funny because we only have one child together). So he is extremely dependent on their approval. Without it, I feel he really would rather lose me than have them disapprove of him so strongly, and criticize him mercilessly. I should also mention he and I have a bit of an age difference (I am 32 and he is 46) and so he feels "too old" to be a father again and just wnats to be able to enjoy life before he is too old to do anything fun.

Sorry for another long post, I just want this issue to be as accurate and free of my own bias as is possible, but of course he and I see this from polar opposite perspectives and may never reconcile that. To me, this pregancy is obviously not hypothetical, we have our baby, now 8 weeks along, growing bigger every day inside me, and I even showed him pictures of what our baby looks like from prenatal development websites, but it seems not to affect him. I am so damn scared...I feel guilt all the way around, I am hurting somebody. (or at least greatly inconviencing somebody). Anyway, thanks again for all the feedback, it all helps in some way, and for the person who suggested I get a regular job, I've been considering that as well, and will bring it up to my husband, but the main problem is that I can't make much more than $10 an hour, and the cost of pre-school and/or daycare eats up so much of that. Still, it may be worth a look.

I will keep you updated, and many many thanks....
Kerry

[cassdarrow]

Kerry, I am so glad you posted. Your first post sounded so panicked, and this one seems mch more rational. I know you were very upset, but I am glad you are now able to think more clearly.

I am glad that you cancelled the appointment for the abortion. After all, you are the one who must face the girl in the mirror every day!

I will continue to follow this thread, and to pray for you as well. Please do keep us updated, Mama.

[~Megan~]

I can't believe he would be that audacious to demand that of you.
Only you can decide what to do.
If it were me I'd continue with the pregnancy. Once the child is born I doubt he will feel so strongly.

I hope things work out for your family.

[steelmagnolia4]

Bravo that he agreed to the counseling! Perhaps when what he has asked of you is laid out bare for another to see, another who has no vested interest in taking sides, he will step back and at least take another look at the situation. Maybe you will be fortunate enough to get some sense "knocked into" him during that first session and be able to work through the deeper issues in further sessions!

BTW, FWIW, I *always* but *always* thought that my DH would bow down to what his family told him to do. Another situation in our lives really brought out my DH's true character and showed me the man he really is (and it wasn't the one who I always thought would kowtow to his mama!) ... it was the only way we got through the situation with the baby that I mentioned previously. My DH scared is NOT the same DH I have when he is not feeling cornered and because I knew that, I was able to hang in there. I'm so hoping this will turn out to be true for you as well.

Keeping you in my thoughts and please do update us when you can!

[Charles Baudelaire]

Charles, your original post on this thread was patronizing. You have no business pointing out wrongs or calling Kerri down whatsoever.

***I disagree, actually -- if that were true, would you have "business" pointing out what you consider to be mine? Let's mind both the motes and the beams, all right?

Even if she did this on purpose, which she clearly didn't, but even if she did --

***Again, I disagree that she "clearly" didn't. As Kerry stated herself, she did not take the pills correctly. I raised the idea -- and I still do not know if it is true, said so then, and say so now -- that her "mistake" may have had at least a subconscious motivation. I also said that I did not know whether this was true or not. I still do not know. I know that it was most likely the method of taking the pills, not the fault of the pills. In short, it was not a contraceptive method failure, but user failure -- user failure for which there may certainly have been a degree of subconscious motivation.

it is completely unhelpful and "paternal" to look down on her by pointing out her wrongs.

***Hmmm...I disagree that it was her "wrong," actually, but perhaps you and I differ on that point. I also disagree that it was unhelpful. I think it is always useful to understand oneself and one's reasons for doing things. Let us say that Kerry did have a subconscious motivation for not taking the pills as prescribed. Understanding that, she could perhaps say, "Yeah, I guess I did want to force the issue...I understand that this made my husband feel terribly scared and anxious about the future..." et cetera.

She is a pregnant woman, not a mischeivous or deceptive little girl.

***Perhaps we differ again, but I do not think she is a mischievous or deceptive or little anything. I think she is a person who is in a horrible situation and is very frightened. I grieve for her and her family, as I have said before.

She absolutely deserves respect, support, and more support.

***I agree, and she also deserves objective feedback, which is what I gave. I regret that you disagree with my conclusions.

For what it's worth, I am not a man. I like French poetry.

[kama'aina mama]

It is not neccesarily your reasoning that is flawed CB. It is that no one can see the point of raising issues of blame under these circumstances. If her subconcsience sabotaged her pill her pill regimen, if someone at quality assurance over at Prtho Novum dozed off at the switch, even if she flat out flushed the tiny pills... whatever... well it makes precious little difference now. She is with child. None of the factors that led up to that gives her husband license to demand she abort. Can he be angry? scared? upset? Yes, of course. She is all those things as well. But she is not issuing ugly ultimatums. They are in this mess together and they must find a way to deal with it... together. The blame game helps no one.

[Charles Baudelaire]

Well, whatever our other differences, I agree with you wholeheartedly that he has no license to demand she abort. Under the circumstances, this amounts to a mutilation of sorts -- and it is certainly a violation. I pray that the counseling will help their family out of this very difficult time, and hope for the best for everyone.

[mamaofthreeboys]

You are in our prayers! I was in a similar situation now 1 1/2 years ago. Only prayer helped us through our situation!

I was on birth control and got pregnant. My now husband insisted I have an abortion and I insisted not! He said he couldn't afford another child. See he has another son from a previous marriage, and I have two sons from previous marriage too. Anyway I did not have an abortion and now have a beautiful 5 month baby boy. My husband loves this guy with all of his heart and is so thankful I didn't have an abortion now.

We have 4 kids between both of us. I told my husband there was no way I could have an abortion, I wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing that I "could" or "would've" had another child in my life.

And as for the affording it part. One more kid does add to expenses but we haven't noticed a difference really and truly. We've made some changes and sacrifices and all are worth it! I coupon clip for groceries, shop by the weekly ads, use cloth diapers, breastfeed. There are ways and God always shows us way. Whether we listen or not is another story.

I don't know if you attend church but I would strongly recommend seeing your pastor or someone you can talk with in person they can be a big support too! Or at least it was for me and they don't charge you $$$


:fairy :fairy

[AnnMarie]

Originally posted by LLLKerry
(he works for them as I mentioned and we rent their house from them, plus he spends about 6 days a week, at least, with them and really NEEDS their approval) I am so afraid that his mom especially is telling him every single day not to back down on this issue. His life isn't really his own, in a way, because they have emotionally and in some ways financially supported him through 2 previous divorces as well as custody battles, and he feels obligated to them. Apparently they told him, long before I became pregnant this time, to NEVER get me pregnant again (which is funny because we only have one child together). So he is extremely dependent on their approval.

Sounds to me that it's time your husband took control of his life and started living it for his family instead of his parents. He's too old for these games, time to grow up now.

[DreamingMama]

sounds like your dh is being a bit silly considering he was willing to do the deed but not be responsible for the outcome. HE is just as responsible for birth control as his wife! Gosh you think he would have more respect for the woman and child he is suppose to love. Give me a break. If the man truly loves you he would not be wanting to get rid of his child. I do not get it. Personally if my dh ever said that to me I would be outta there faster then he could see me wave goodbye. Sheesh. Nobody can force you to have that abortion and if you do you will resent him forever and vise versa from what you have said so the only answer is to get out of there in my opinion.

[ekblad9]

I just wanted to let you know that you and your baby are in my prayers. For a husband to demand such an awful thing of his wife and then claim to love her is beyond me. My dh has said that he was "done" having kids since our second child was born. I have said that I am not so if he wants to use birth control that's up to him. He didn't so here we are with five kids. Everytime he acted surprised. He loves our children, of course, and I still stand by the fact that if he truly didn't want more kids he would take care of it himself. Not that that is helpful to you now. Please, follow your heart. I was also a single mother at one point. I know it's scary but you seem very strong. Plus you have 7 months before the baby comes. Hugs to you.

[Irishmommy]

If you abort you will be a single mom anyway. If you have the baby and he leaves you, you will get alimony/child support for the child you already have together, and for the baby if he doesn't give up parental rights. If he does give up rights, then you have the option of adoption. Though I can't see a judge letting him give up parental rights if you keep the baby. Please don't abort. ((((Kerry))))

[mamaduck]

Kerry, he is asking you to sacrifice a child in order to keep the rest of your family intact and fed.

Putting you in this position is beyond inhumane. Its hideous. Whatever his fears, this is not a man to be trusted. Do NOT expect that if you give up this baby, you will be able to count on him for anything. There is no deal to be made here. Unless he has a change of heart, there is no reason to trust him.

I've been racking my mind trying to think of a way to help you with more than words. My husband has also been trying to think of a way to help. Please, is there something we can do? Would you like me to get on the phone and conact churches in your area for you? To find you a place to go with your children? People will rally to save "Kerry's baby." Do you understand? You are worth it. Your baby is worth it.

Your husband should be so incredibly ashamed.

[LLLKerry]

Thank you thank you thank you all more than words can say...I still do not know what is happening, but I have definitively decided I MUST have my baby, no matter the costs. I am going into a joint counseling session with my husband on Tuesday afternoon, and I am going to tell him then, although I think he deep down already knows. I called a place called Birthrights and they gave me some literature and said they might even have cloth diapers they can save to give me when the time gets closer!!! (All the ones from my 3 year old are shredded). I feel a huge sense of relief, but still a lot of fear about the possibility of doing this on my own, but as many of you mentioned, things can work out in all sorts of ways. It particurly helps to hear from a few of you who have been in a similiar situation (I love the mama who told her husband the birth control was up to him and wound up with 5!!). SteelMagnolia4, I really appreciate your offer to have your husband talk to mine, that might not be a bad idea if he would ever agree to it. Mamaduck, thank you for your heartfelt offers of help (and your husband's as well).Unfortunately, neither of us are religious so I don't have that support to count on, but at least I have my resolve and the incredible support from all you amazing women, I couldn't have made it through without all your words and advice and warmth (of course I am not through yet, but having made the decision was a milestone). I will be posting on Tuesday evening I am sure about the results of our session, and I truly hope he decides to stay through this, I know he will love this baby so much if he just gives him/her the chance to work his/her baby magic!!!
Much love and thanks,
Kerry
PS: In the future I may be asking if anyone has diaper wraps or maybe diapers they don't need anymore, I would gladly pay all shipping costs as well as a bit more in order to get those. Thanks!!

[Irishmommy]

I am so so glad that you made that decision!! I firmly believe it is the right one. I'm sure I can rustle up some diapers or something for you when you need it.

((((Kerry))))

[Snowy Owl]

It's good to hear such a confident, optimistic post, LLLKerry. Way to go. Best wishes and good luck with counselling and all that.

[sun-shine01]

LLLKerry -

I can promise you that if it will help convince your husband to have this baby - every single momma on this board will send you baby items - just tell us what you need and where to send them.
You have already begun protecting, nurturing and obviously loving this little one - what else do you need?

I know it is not as simple as that but it could help.


(I agree that your hubby needs to stand up and be a man not - a mamas boy)

[AdinaL]

I am so glad that you have made this decision. I can hear it in t your post thst you are already calmer and less scared.
I hope the counseling session goes well!

[applejuice]

My advice:

Have the baby.

Put the dear child up for adoption ( open adoption, if possible).

Let DH explain to the older children what happened to their new sibling and why.

Just my two cents worth.

[applejuice]

Seriously,

:hugs

You are in my prayers.:crying

[Zanymom]

I am so happy that you have made your mind up! You are going to have a beautiful baby! That is so exciting!!! Congrats!!! Even though your dh is being difficult, don't let it get you down. You are doing something wonderful creating this little life! Every baby is a miracle!

And if you need anything for this little one PLEASE LET US KNOW!! :)

:hug

[AutumnMoonfire]

Kerry, How is it going?

Choice is always about being able to follow one's own heart. You are choosing life. Asking you to end the pregnancy but saying he won't surrender parental rights in an adoption is craven in the extreme. If you are willing to choose that option he should be strong enough to support you through it.

Have the baby, whatever happens you won't regret it as much as you will regret having been buffaloed into an abortion you don't want.

I second the vote for seeking info on open adoptions...it could be the germ of both you and Dh getting what you need(provided he is man enough to sign the adoption papers and get a vasectomy)

I have seen married women give up babies for adoption...

:hug :hug :hug :hug

[candiland]

Kerry -- I just read through this thread with both tears and great interest......
I can tell you, without even knowing them, that your DH's family is really weird and really sick. IMAGINE, telling a grown woman whether or not she can have another baby!:splat And your parents, although I am sure they mean well, also telling a grown woman who wants to raise her beautiful family to make something of herself by working outside the home.:eek You are a grown woman. A strong, courageous woman. No wonder you are so confused and baffled and scared!!! You have your entire world "telling" you to do something when everything inside of yourself screams for you to do the exact opposite.
The family dynamics do not sound healthy at all. Please get some counselling - just for yourself, to help deal with all these people - and maybe some weekly marriage counseling for you and your DH, as well.
:hugs to you, and may you find the strength to do what you feel is right, regardless of how many people think they know what is right for you!!!!

[DreamsInDigital]

If you decide to keep your baby, I have a lot of baby stuff I was going to keep for having another baby but since I just decided to get an IUD and wait 5 more years, you can have whatever you need. Right now I have newborn-3 months stuff but in a couple of months I'll have more when Kolaiah outgrows some things. Just let me know, I'm more than happy to send you anything, and not to worry about shipping charges.

[LLLKerry]

I ma sorry I didn't post when I said I was going to, things got very busy with the holidays and then my kids came down with both the flu (my oldest) and the chicken pox (my 2 younger ones). Anyway, remarkable news......after my husband went to the first counseling session (the agreement was that we would each meet once with the counselor seperately and then have a joint session, not cheap at all but the counselor only agreed to doing it that way, hmmm) he didn't say much. The next day he spent over at his parents house and when he came home he said we needed to talk. As crazy as it sounds the first thing he said was "Did you REALLY think I would ever make you kill our baby?" My inner response was "Of course, since you actually went inside Planned Parenthood and tried to get an appointment for me" but I just kept my mouth shut and let him talk. He said that he had talked to his parents about it and said that he knew I could never have an abortion and he didn't want to lose me, etc. They were not at all happy about it but bottom line they will support him in whatever decision he makes (of course, my feelings could matter less to them...). So...we are having this precious child together!!!!! I am so relieved, happy, surprised, grateful...and so glad to be able to bond wholeheartedly with my baby!! Our main obstacle (besided money of course) is telling everyone, the reactions from my family are going to be awful, but I have to just not care. I know it is ridiculous for a woman my age (32) to be so afraid of my parents words, but...it is going to be awful. If I could only find a way to make a guaranteed income while still being with my kids. it is so tough for mothers to make money and meet everyone's needs at the same time. I would be curious to hear how other moms are making an income.

Another question...I live in San Francisco, CA. When I had my son at home 3 and a half years ago my midwife charged $1800-2400 sliding scale. I called her a few days ago and she now charges $4,000!!! I was shocked, and of course when I told my husband he freaked out and said "Now reality is setting in" and he got really negative again about my pregnancy. I have called every other midwife in my city and apparently that is the going rate for a homebirth now. I don't have health insurance, unfortunately. Does anyone have any ideas about lowering the cost (I mentioned unassisted and my husband hit the roof, and I don't know that I would feel very good about that decision either). Does $4,000 sound average? I know my midwife was worth every penny, but...it is a lot. (My husband and I split the cost last time, but I don't have $2,000!!!). Anyway, just curious what others have paid.

Really these are relatively trivial concerns in the big picture, I know. I am enormously grateful to you all for sharing your wisdom and compassion and concern...it felt like the only time I felt sane was reading all of your responses, because they validated my own point of view so well. Things really could not have turned out better for me, and in part I attribute that to the well-wishes and positive thoughts from all of you. Thank you all again for your many kindnesses.
Warmly,
Kerry

[veganmamma]

Kerry, I live in the Bay Area, too. My midwife group charged $4,000, but they are CNMs. I can help you find a sliding scale mw, particularly if you are comfortable with a CPM. Use the email button under my post and send me an email and we can hook up. I will help however I can, and I have a big bag full of newborn and small diaper covers that you can have. :hug
Lauren

[julie128]

You know that rents are coming down quite a bit in SF. Maybe your family could move out of the place you rent from the out-laws and your husband can find a job similar to the one he has working for his family. Then you would all be out of their control and you can do whatever the heck you want without feeling a need for their approval. Or move out of the Bay Area. It's much cheaper to live elsewhere. As for health insurance, I think some insurance companies offer short term insurance. I kind of doubt they would cover an existing condition, though, but it's worth calling to ask. I think maybe Blue Shield.

[veganmamma]

Or ya could come across the bay! ::: waving you over across the bridge::: WAY cheaper rents out here. :D
L

[lilyka]

I am so glad to hear that your baby and you are safe and sound. I am still very concerned at your dh need for parental approval. He should really continue with the couseling.

My heart just broke whenI read your first post. My dh too has made the unilateral descission that our family won't be adding any new members. However he woun't get the vas and I refuse to take birth control (and he knew that before we ever got engaged thankyouverymuch). I keep having the nightmare where he gives me the ultimatum to have an abortion or divorce. It just breaks my heart to even imagine someone who told me they loved me giving me such a terrible choice. i can't even imagine how much it would hurt to actually live it. But, I know what my choice would be and his would then be divorce. As hard as that would be. But what options would I have. Regardless of what I faced it would be nothing compared with killing my child. I would do what I had to do. Fortunately if dh ever did that to me it would be him everyone (including his parents) dissowned.

And as for whose to blame, I can't believe people even went there - If you have sex, protected or otherwise, you risk getting pregnant. Nothing except for castration and hysterectomys are 100%. Not tubal ligation or vasectomies. Not 100%. People shouldn't be having sex unless they are willing to entertain the thought of getting pregnant and welcoming that life.

[MamaTT]

I just came across this thread, and I am so glad that you are following your heart and keeping the baby!Both my pregnancies were unplanned, concieved while on birth control, and yet they are both so precious! We didn't have good jobs, hadn't finished school, and are quite young. But we are doing it, and we have a beautiful, loving family.

Its sounds like your family is close by, so this might not be the greatest option, BUT, I do recommend waiting to tell them as long as possible. I have a friend at another board, and her family was very vocal about them having no more kids. When she found that she was expecting her seventh, she simply waited till about six weeks before her due date to tell her mother. And guess what, her mother survived the shock and actually reacted much better than expected.

Huge hugs and prayers, mama!

[3_opihi]

Aaahhh, the miracles of counseling. I am sooo glad everything is ok.

I know a midwife in Palo Alto area who will do homebirths in SF. From what I understand, she is a community midwife and won't turn anyone away. I've met her before and she's really great. I could PM you with her name and number if you want. If you need anything, let me know. I'm from the bay area originally and I know lots of mommas there that would love to help you out!


Anyway, congragulations on your little one! Keep us posted!

[Jilian]

Oh LLLKerry I am so happy that you have decided to keep your baby! :hug to you and that precious little miracle inside your belly. My heart aches for you for what you have been through, but I am positive that you have made the right decision. I cannot imagine how hard that must have been for you to have your DH threated a divorce if you did not abort, that breaks my heart :bawl

You may not have the support of your family of DH's family, but you have plenty of support from us MDC mamas. I would be more than willing to send you some diapers, clothes, and anything else that I have that you may need. I'm sure there are several other mamas here that would do the same, these mamas are so sweet and generous. Let us know as soon as you are ready and we can start a donation thread on the trading post.

I hope all is going well with you and you are enjoying your pregnancy. It really made my night to hear that you followed your heart and decided to keep your baby. :)

[lilyka]

Hey Kerry are you still out there? how is everything going?

[Overproducktion]

I am SO glad that your situation is looking up! :) For what it is worth I went through that with my husband. When I told him I was pregnant with #4 he was SO mad..he didn't talk to me for a week. At the end of that week he called me on his lunch break at work and said that if I did not get an abortion he didn't know if he could stay with me. :splat

Hmmm...well, when he came home from work he found ALL of his sh*t sitting on our front porch. I had my brother change the locks that afternoon so he could not get in.

I felt horrible! But I was NOT going to kill my baby over him. He could kiss my pregnant butt!

And believe me, I was SO scared. I was working only part-time and we were in the middle of buying our house and we were flat broke!!

I made him stay away for two weeks. During that two weeks I was visiting the food bank, going to churches that told me they would help with money. I even visited an attorney that worked on a sliding scale to help set up his child support payments.

Any way, he showed up on the porch one morning with a stack of cloth diapers, a new breastpump and a baby rattle. He apologized and I let him move back in. After a beautiful homebirth our daughter was born.....and now she is the light of his life...along with our 3 other little lights.

And by the way.....he has yet to go get a vasectomy.:scratch

My best wishes for you and your family. :hug

[Aura_Kitten]

i'm glad everything worked out but... i have to say this in all honesty and *please* don't take it wrong, but this seems like the start of a very unhealthy relationship.

as somone who spent 1 1/2 years in an abusive relationship (that only ever escalated), and who lived in a home where my father abused my mother constantly... it sounds like this could really be the start of some serious problems between you two.

i hope he ends up with more respect for you than he has now. :: hug ::

[Divina]

Any updates, Kerry?

I have to say, if you are not making as much money as he is, any "splitting" of expenses should be proportional to your incomes. (Frankly, I don't see the point of "splitting" at all in your case.) You charge other people for daycare, so you're being home for his kids and your mutual child is a measurable part of your financial contribution to your relationship, then there's everything else you do--find out what maid service costs in your area, and add that to your "salary". And taxi service, too.

I, also, am concerned about what looks like an abusive pattern in this relationship. You seem not to value your contribution to your family, and he seems to use that as a weapon against you. So please, if you can possibly manage it, talk to a counselor on your own and set up an escape plan, just in case. It's very common for an abuser (even if no physical abuse is going on) to keep control over a partner by denying her value to the family, but making it difficult or impossible for her to contribute in the ways he deems valuable.

I apologize for the sexist language. However, all but one of the abuse situations I've ever dealt with were a man abusing a woman ...

Anyway, I sincerely hope I'm wrong about that.

[Divina]

Although there isn't much info to go on, what you said about his relationship w/ his folks sounds rather abusive (them to him), too; at the least, unhealthily controlling.

[Ocean_Swimmer]

Kerry, I hope you keep us posted on what's happening with your situation.
I read your post yesterday, and it felt like deja vu: my (now ex) husband had a temper tantrum when we discovered we were expecting baby #3. He didn't talk to me for about 2-3 months. Inwardly, at that time, I was close to laughing at him: here was a man with a healthy loving wife and two darling children...and a third on the way...a stable job, no 'real' problems to speak of. And he pissed away his chance to have lots of fun during our last pregnancy because he was too immature and self-centered to appreciate what he had.
Your situation sounds similar.
Fortunately, I had been to some Al-Anon meetings and knew the real issue was about control.
I chose to ignore his dire predictions and bad attitude. I decided I (and especially my baby) deserved a wonderful, fun pregnancy whether he participated or not....after all, he was the one predicting doom and gloom...'financial disaster' etc.
I had our third child, a bouncy, 9lb. 3oz. girl, stayed home from work with our three children, tandem breastfed, and remained centered in the knowledge that I could single-handedly give my baby (and my other two kids) a happy childhood despite my husband's narcissistic attitude.
Funny thing is, I succeeded!
You are an experienced mom, having other kids, and I'm sure your inner knowing has a pretty good idea of what to do.
Be true to that inner self and you will never regret it.

And if I may be so bold: shame on him for being such an A$$!!

If you decide to think long-term, consider your exit strategy from someone who doesn't support your right to be a happy, expectant mother.
After all, this child must be quite sure he/she wants to be with you!
Perhaps hubby might want to have a vasectomy now, during this pregnancy? Seems like a perfect Father's Day thing for him! (lol)

I am sorry you are having such a difficult time with your husband. I wish you the very best. Keep us posted and know you have a support system here.
I also hope my humor isn't offensive to you, Kerry....it is meant to shed a little light on what clearly is a terrible conflict. Having been where you are, know you can get through this and flourish.

[laurata]

I was so thrilled for you when you told me you were expecting, I had no idea you were going through such a struggle! huge (((((((HUGS))))))). I'm thinking of driving up to the city one day next week so I can visit folks and pick up some things at Rainbow. Maybe we could get together so i can give you REAL LIFE HUGS? Let me know if you're free one day.

[LLLKerry]

Hi everyone!
I am sorry I couldn't respond sooner, my computer crashed for 6 weeks and I missed being able to draw strength from everyone's love and support on this board. Things are going so well...I am now 17 weeks along, healthy, just felt my precious one dancing inside me last week for the first time, and heard that beautiful heartbeat!!! I feel so grateful and blessed, and attribute much to all of your advice, interest, compassion and generousity. Hearing what all of you respected mamas think and feel helped me to listen to my own inner wisdom, thank you all for sharing your thoughts with me.

I found midwives who would do the homebirth on a sliding scale ($2,500 was the lowest and thankfully we qualified). DH and I are splitting that cost equally. I finally am making some consistent money doing home day care, but sicne I am not liscensed I can't earn much. But it is better than before. We did wind up telling all of the family, and as I predicted my dad and step-mom (my main parents) are not speaking to me. My mom, who lives near me but never raised me, was initially very mean...she told my children (who had broken the news to her while I was at an appointment) "Well, that's one way for your mom not to have to work" and then was very cold to all of us. But withen a week she was expressing some interest and even talked baby names with me and says my parents (dad and stepmom) are crazy to hold this against me!

Things with my dh are for the most part better than they have ever been, and just to reassure some of you I have actually been married to a physically (just a few times), verbally (many many times) and sexually abusive man that I divorced when I found out I was pregnant for the second time, and after being single for 5 years I knew how never to let a man treat me like that again. So with this husband I am much stronger and would never allow any sort of abuse. He and I have very strong heated arguments but they are in part due to my absolute lack of willingness to ever be controlled or abused again. Mostly the problems with this husband are due to blended family issues, which include in-laws.

Anyway, that is mostly what I wanted to update everyone with, I am so glad my computer is running again!

Much love to all,
Kerry

[Snowy Owl]

That's great!
I'm 17 weeks two!
Have you ever posted in the July mama's thread in 'I'm Pregnant"? I can't remember. I'm so sorry you have to fork over so much $$$ for a midwife.
That is so unfair. great to hear an update, keep happy and healthy!

[lilyka]

That is great. I am glad to hear everytihing is working out! Glad to hear things with your daycare are going well too.

[Zanymom]

:hug I am glad things are looking up for you!!!

[Ocean_Swimmer]

Thanks for the update, Kerry!
Sounds like things are going well for you. What a relief!
Enjoy the second half of your pregnancy, it's such a fine time!

"Advances are made by answering questions. Discoveries are made by questioning answers." - Bernhard Haisch