Pissy, selfish, childish rant.

[AdinaL]

OKay, I gotta get this out. I don't have anyone I can talk to IRL at all. No one gets it.

This SUCKS! I don't understand why some people get to have babies and I am still waiting. I don't get why some people get to have enough insurance to ensure that they get babies or to find out why they are having problems. Why I can do EVERYTHING right and still not get pregnant, and other can do everything wrong or not want to get pregnant and they still do? I don't get why there are babies being beaten to death by their parents and the universe doesn't see fit to give me one. Why am I the one still sitting here with my cat?

I am a loving good person. I put out a lot of love to everyone who crosses my path. I am supportive and helpful till I am blue in the face. And I don't mind that, I like making other people happy, I like being loving and supportive. I love seeing other people happy! But it never seems to come back.

This is totally selfish and completely wrong for me to be this upset. But I am so sick of hearing, oh it will happen, just wait until the right time, don't worry, relax, stop trying...and so on. I just get so mad, I want someone to hold acountable, I want answer that don't cost a lot of money. I want a baby dammit!

I hope everyone knows that I love everyone here, and that I am just feeling sorry for myself! That I am happy for everyone who graduates and has wonderful children! BUt sometimes, it all gets to be too much for me!

Everyone here on this forum and on TTC is so great and supportive and wonderful. But I know I need to yell and scream a little bit too. So if you have a rant, or a need to scream in frustration, do it here!! Maybe we can all get rid of the negative crap we hang on to cycle to cycle and bury it here!!

So rant away, scream and yell about how unfair it is and get it out! None of us do that enough!:splat :splat :splat

[pugmadmama]

Well, I want to support you but I have to disagree with you first.

It is NOT "totally selfish and completely wrong for me to be this upset." It is sane, reasonable and completely right to yell, scream, rant and rave when life is completely, totally unfair in such a large and important way.

A big turning point for me came when one of my best friends starting trying to have a baby. And they tried and tried and tried. For years. This wonderful, loving, joyful couple could not get a baby to come into their lives. Watching them go through what I had been through made me see, very clearly, that infertility is unfair, unreasonable and crazy-making.

I finally did get my baby (he's 11 years old now) and I am so grateful for him. But you know what? It's not fair that he's an only child. More than anything I wanted him to have siblings and for my husband and I to have more children. But it looks like that is just not in the cards for me. And it's unfair and it sucks and sometimes it still makes me cry angry, sad, mournful tears.

I hope that your baby finds you soon. Very soon! And until then, come here and vent! You've got every right and I'll turn my pug on anyone who disagrees with me!

[gossamer]

Rant away, you have every right to. It is not pissy, selfish or childish. How dare the universe not give you a child when you are so loving and kind and giving and give all of those horrible parents a passel. I will rant right along with you. IT IS NOT FAIR YOU DON"T HAVE A BABY!!!!!!!!!!
Gossamer

[AdinaL]

Oh jeez. :blush :shy

Thanks ladies.:heartbeat

I am no good at being self indulgent. As soon as I see people post to this thread, and read the replies, I just feel like I have no business complaining. I guess that I can't think that anyone deserves a baby, because that implies some don't. And I seem to be one of the "don'ts", which I have a hard time wrapping my brain around. And whose to say someone deserves one more than someone else. I guess I just felt like having a temper tantrum. :guilty

pugmadmama - I am sorry you haven't had another baby. As with all things, time will tell what any of us are meant to have or not have.:love

gossamer - thanks. I never got to post about how sorry I was to hear about your loss. :hug

I think in terms of ranting, I have no right.

[naturegirl]

Oh Adina, there is no reason to be sorry! Your feelings are your feelings! Rant, piss, moan. Do it all. Get it out! We love you and it hurts to here life is so unfair sometimes. I wish I could just place a beautiful little baby in your belly. Unfortunatley I do not have that power. :(

Sometimes what you say makes the rest of us feel sane. We just don't come out and say it. All the things you said earlier, I have also thought, and I have been ttc for a lot shorter time than many.

I am so sorry hon that you have not gotten blessed with your baby yet. I wish I could do more for you. :hug

Cheryl

[Laurel]

I have to chime in with everyone else--your feelings are normal and expressing them openly is the healthiest thing you can do. So, vent away!

My biggest frustration right now is the whole money issue. I feel like every couple could have a child either bioligically or through adoption if they could only afford it. I just want to bang my head agains the wall right now thinking about it. We are still in quite a bit of debt from ds's adoption. We want to pursue treatment soon but can't even think about it until we're done paying for the first baby--and even then we'll still be at zero. It would take us months to save the amount we need, but I am hesitant to go into debt again for it. I'm not getting any younger and really feel that if I'm going to have a chance at ever being pg, it needs to happen soon. Argh! I just feel so confined by this. To me, it's not my infertility itself that is restricting me--I feel that can be overcome if we could just come up with the $ to get the help we need.

[Arduinna]

:hug You have every right to your feelings. It isn't fair and it sucks!

it's 4 am and I'm too tired to think of anythign else to say at the moment, I'll come back later

[AdinaL]

Laurel - I am so with you on the money thing!!! If I had enough money I could have all the tests, or I could do IUI, or IVF or a whole load of other things. If I had the money I could adopt. But without money, I just have to hope. It has to happen on it's own, or it doesn't happen at all. So if you aren't lucky enough to be super fertile, then you have to be rich! Ugh. It seems stupid that having a baby should be based on money. We have enough to support the child if we have one, but not enough to do the huge down payment that is required to do assisted fertility stuff of adoption.

grrrr....

:splat

it sucks that everything is based on money.

[gonnabeamom]

Adina,

It isn't fair! If it was fair you'd have a beautiful baby right now. It does break my heart thinking of all the kids out there who would be grateful to have you as a Mom, who have to settle for so much less.

And as far as being selfish, you are one of the least selfish people I know. One of the things is I've decided about the forums is that for every person who posts, there are usually 5 or 6 people at least who feel that way. In all likelihood you just made someone else feel less crazy.

So have your :splat and no that people here love you, and will be here when it's over, and the next time you need to :splat

[RasJane]

Adina,
Shout if from the rooftops girl! I'll scream with you.:splat
I too am feeling pissy right now.
I totally took a break from ttc for a couple of months, hadn't been charting, dh took a long business trip. It was so lovely.
Then, last week I started getting all the pms and thought woah, gonna start soon. I looked at the calendar to see when Af had started ( I only knew cuz it was the day we got our flooring LOL) and realized I still had a week to go! Then yesterday, my temp jumps through the roof! I got all excited and hopeful. Then, of course, this morning, my temp went right back down. I pulled myself together and thought, "the adoption packet will get here today, I can read that and be hopeful."
But, when I checked the mail, there was just some lousy flier from the cable company telling us all about "essential channels" Idon't even have a tv!!!!:splat :splat
It breaks my heart that my son so desperately wants a sibling, and I so desperately want a child, and dh could so desperately care less whether or not we have kids. "as long as you are happy dear"
I am not! I want to scream and cry and kick.
What's more, my sil will be at Christmas with her new husband and I am so (irrationally) terrified that she will announce she is pregnant and then I will have to rip her glowing face off in front of her sweat, precious children.
Okay,
pulling my nice, pacifist self together to go find chocolate. I am so glad that you are all here, and know what it is like. Thank you from the bottom of my broken heart.

Sarah

[Laurel]

[i]Originally posted by RasJane and dh could so desperately care less whether or not we have kids. "as long as you are happy dear"

I've been here too with my dh. Of course he wanted kids, and he totally adores our little boy, but he has always approached life with a "whatever will be will be" kind of attitude, and during our entire infertility journey, the decisions and what, when, and how much have been basically left up to me. They are such monumental decisions to be making all by yourself! I found for myself that it was better to work with dh's temperament than against it. Rather than trying to force him to be different, I've learned to enjoy being able to make the decisions on my own--sometimes it's nice to not have him be too opinionated, KWIM? I still feel the weight of it all and it really does press down at times, so I can totally understand where you're coming from.

[Velveteen]

Feelings are facts too!!!!

To AdinaL and everyone else that longs for a baby to hold...may you have MANY blessings, at least one of which is a beautiful babe in arms.

I am just starting my ttc journey at 41~ hold your breath for me!!

[Astrid]

:grouphug to everyone here

Since I already have a beautiful son, I sometimes wonder if I should be posting here thinking I should be appreciative to have one child, and I am so grateful. It is still hard though. My son desperately wants a sister and asks every other day when she will be here. He even wants to buy her a Christmas present. But after a full year of ttc I am not sure he will ever get a sibling.

I feel like everyone around me is getting pregnant and having babies. All my in real life ttc buddies have had their babies and although I am so happy for them, I can't help thinking "where is my baby?" It hurts so much.

This thread is full of such wonderful moms and moms to be. I can't wait for the day when we can put all this pain and frustration behind us, and we can enjoy our babies :)

[gonnabeamom]

Excuse me while I got on my:soapbox
As someone trying to conceive number one, I wish I could make everyone trying for an additional child know that you don't have to apologize.

I hope someday to have a second child, and if it takes me as long as the first one is taking, I know I'll need support. I hear how hard it is to look at the child you already have and want to give that child a sibling. So perhaps it's true that secondary infertility is a different journey, but it's not a lesser one.

May we all, every single one of us, get our babies

[kelly]

Adina - You have the right to be as frustrated and pi$$y as you want, as far as I'm concerned. There aren't many people IRL who "get it", and this is a safe and supportive place where you can express what you feel and have others who understand. I fluctuate continually between optimism (I am one of the lucky few with insurance that covers infertility - we need to lobby for this to our insurance providers, because I along with most others can't afford fertility treatment on my own!!) and despair about never becoming a mother. I often wonder what I have done, or who decided that this should be my destiny in life, to want something so badly and to have to suffer so much in trying to get it (motherhood). It still makes no sense to me. Anyone who's been around here a while knows that you are a good person and will make an excellent mom - I can't explain why others seem to have it so easy, and why so many seem to take their precious children for granted (or treat them so poorly). I wish I had an explanation, too.

So rant away!! I may join you sometime!
:D

Kelly

[AdinaL]

gonnabeamom - Thanks for posting that. I agree totally! We are all having trouble getting pregnant, bottom line. And we are all here for each other. What I am going through is no harder or any less hard than what a mom with any number of children goes through while ttc.

Thanks kelly! I am thinking about writing to my insurance company about fertility treatments.

[Astrid]

:eek Soap box guy seems so angry.

I had read in a thread that it wasn't fair for women with kids to post on infertility because "obviously" they weren't infertile if they had kids. That was my dr.s reasoning too, and why she wouldn't do any tests, because me and dh had a child together... but that was over 5 years ago and a lot can change:(

I really needed to join Adina in her rant and get out some of my frustration with people who understand.:splat

:love :hug to everyone

[gonnabeamom]

Soapbox guy is pretty angry, and I'm I guess more than little miffed that people say things like "you shouldn't post if you have a child" Do they go around chasing people paralyzed in accidents and telling them "well you could have died"? Why focus on dividing ourselves, instead of supporting each other.

Secondary infertility is infertility, and your Dr. really needs a clue transplant.

Astrid,

I'm glad your here (not that I'm glad anyone has to be), and I'm sure you miss your child as much as I miss mine. So please feel welcome here! :hug

[Laurel]

Who is soapbox guy? Is this another thread at mdc? Curiosity is killing this cat!

I too hate it when primary vs. secondary infertility is cause for hard feelings. To me, it's all infertility. I feel like we should let our common experiences bind us together in support rather than dividing us.

I have a child, but my child happens to be adopted. I am still very much infertile. But I don't post in my sig line that he's adopted, so it would be interesting to know what others assume.

[AdinaL]

Astrid - That sucks! What a horrible thing to hear! Talk about completely invalidating your feelings. I am glad you are here. I like that all of us are at different stages. Those of us further along can help out the ones who are just now dealing with it, and so on.

Today, I can be positive that we will all get our babies! I can't imagine that the universe would allow such a vaccuum not to be filled! YOu know?:D

[gonnabeamom]

Lisa,

Soapbox guy is the little red critter on top of the soapbox who's ranting his little smilie face off.

[hmpc2]

Adina & all the other moms...Rant away...Life isn't fair, and I hate it:splat

I have not personally experienced infertility, but many of my close friends have and I walked the journey with them. With my personal situation I am not jealous of pregnant women (I feel that I don't know if there baby will survive or not), I just look longly at infants and children, wondering if that will ever be me or not. With infant loss, people are so quick to say, don't worry you can have another one, but nobody knows that...secondary infertility is a possiblity...etc...So to all of us who are longing to be pregnant or to have a baby :hug :grouphug :love

[Laurel]

Originally posted by gonnabeamom
Soapbox guy is the little red critter on top of the soapbox who's ranting his little smilie face off. [/B]

Boy do I feel dumb!:o I actually did a search under the name "soapbox guy" and of course came up with nothing!:D

[AdinaL]

Heather - thanks for posting. It is nice to have yet another perspective. :hug I hope that your baby comes to you very soon!

[Astrid]

:crying :grouphug Aww thanks everyone. This is such a caring supportive environment, we are so lucky to have a place where people understand.

My rant - I am so tired of people (including my dr) saying all I need to do is relax and not think about it :splat Does anyone else hear this advice? How can you NOT think about it?

:hug :love to all of you

and Laurel :LOL

[coleslaw]

Anyone mind if I take a turn?
:splat :cuss :bang :crying :hammer :firedevil :(

Just came off a bad, bad cycle and number 17 at that. Just when I think this is my month, and I am 100% sure (well, 99%), it all falls apart and leaves me a mess. I just don't know if I will be able to find any obnoxiously positive feelings anymore after this one. I'm just so very, very sick of it all and really wonder if all of this is worth it? I know I can say that here without someone saying "Of course it's worth it. Think of the little baby you will be holding someday." Right now, I can't even picture it. It's as if I was meant to only have one child. I don't like accepting the universe's plan for me when I have other plans!!!!!!!!!!! Why don't I have a say? It is MY life!!!!! :angry :angry :angry

Thanks for starting this thread Adina!

[AdinaL]

Coleslaw - :hug

I hear you. I am having trouble making that mental leap to actually being pregnant. I can imagine having a child at like 2 or 3 years old), I can imagine my period coming. I can picture everything, but getting that positive HPT and my period not showing up. That transition is the one thing that doesn't come to mind. Which is weird.

Astrid - the relax advice is the MOST annoying thing ever. And it usually comes from people who have no problem getting pregnant....:splat A woman I don't even know told me to relax and stop trying. I looked at here and said, yeah, that is going to work, cause I haven't tried that yet in this year and a half and of course stopping trying and relaxing is going to immediately result in a baby, gee why haven't I thought of that before? She just sort of stared at me blankly! :LOL
I don't think she appreciated my sarcasm.

[gonnabeamom]

The single best thing about not having told people we are TTC is no one can tell us to relax.

Coleslaw,

I really get wondering if it's worth it. A couple or months ago, my sex life was trashed, my relationship was teetering under the pressure, and I was a miserable moody wreck. I sort of felt like "I can't do this anymore, at least not this way" and I almost wonder if their wasn't another way to get a baby. Not rationally like "maybe we should consider adoption" or "time to try IVF" but just wondering if we couldn't order one somewhere, or just get one from a friend who has too many.

I suppose the good news is that it passed, and I'm okay again.

[RasJane]

I have not been trying for as long as some of you (2 years for me), but I have reached that point where I don't think it is worth it. I can't be an emotional wreck for at least 2 days out of every 26 and still be an effective mother and wife. I realized I needed to meet the responsiblities I have now. My son is here, and he needs me. He also really wants a sibling, but at what cost?
We are now pursuing adoption. We will most likely go through our church. Yeah, it will be a lot of money, but I got to a point where I asked, "what is it all worth to me?"
I am blessed to be able to find the money I need. It won't be easy, but we won't starve. After all, I am great at all kinds of soybean dishes and am the queen of rice!:LOL My heart aches for the women who just don't have this as a viable option.
I am not giving up entirely on ever being pregnant again. But I really feel like there is another child who needs to be in our family for some reason.
So, I am not leaving entirely, I'll still be back now and then (heck I don't spend a ton of time here now) but I think I will spend my ttc obsession time on my family and preparing for adoption.
I'll let ya all know how it goes.
You are all fantastic women. I :crying that you do not all have the children you want. I know that you would all be terrific mothers.
:hippie Peace and love to you all,
Sarah

[pugmadmama]

Wow...I'm new here but I have to share how impressed I am with this thread. The support offered here has me, literally, in tears. I am so touched at the kindess, non-judgement and openess of community here. We're going to be away from home for a few weeks for the holidays, but I'll definatly be back.

Thank you so much to everyone who shared in this thread and to everyone who has read these words with a generous spirit.

[nitemarehippygirl]

i don't think you're being childish, or any of that other stuff. i feel pretty much the same way, and i haven't even been ttc for very long(especially as compared to many of you on the if board). it makes me nuts to hear practically everyone say they got pregnant the first or second month, without really "trying".
also, my hubby and i made the unfortunate mistake of telling our families that we were ttc. now i am having to face 1) everyone asking me, every time i speak to them, whether i'm pregnant (it's hard enough not to become obsessed, without being reminded constantly), 2) people saying things like "hmmm...i can't believe it's taking so long, do you think anything is wrong?" 3) these same people saying dumb things like "just relax", "stop worrying so much", etc etc blah blah. i guess it's our own fault for telling them, but i never dreamed that they would drive me nuts over it.
the whole situation is very depressing to me. every month, despite my attempts to stay calm, i start thinking that maybe this is the month...and then the big letdown.if i knew that i would definately get pregnant one day, i don't think that i would be so hung up on it. i think the big thing for me is wondering if something is wrong. fear of the unknown, i guess.

[Designeratheart]

I wanted to try to offer those of who actively ttc a little support. I've been married over 10 years, and never used birth control, so believe me, I SOOO know the feelings of frustration and anger. I won't go into all of my history b/c frankly, it's long and boring, but after a year of treatments with an IF specialist, I was at the end of my rope emotionally. We moved onto adoption, not knowing how/if we could afford it. We went with a non-profit agency (Catholic Charities--and we're not even Catholic) and they were really wonderful. We didn't care about race or gender and 7 months after we started the process, we brought home our beautiful dd. 10 months later we brought home our ds.

Not saying it was easy, and not saying it was cheap, but for us, not having kids was not an option, so we worked and worked to find a way to afford it. And going with CC, it was way cheaper than any other agency out there.

While I do sometimes mourn the ability to have a pg and birth (and breastfeeding), being a mom to my kids has healed a large part of the pain. If you feel at all called in that direction, please do try to find a way to make it happen. You'd be amazed at all the people I know who said they could never afford it who found a way to make it happen. Everything from borrowing money from family, to saving, to taking out home loans, etc... It is possible in most cases, it just takes a little creative financing. It just breaks my heart to see people who are where I used to be without hope.

If anyone wants more info, please feel free to ask. This is a passion of mine and I'm always willing to talk if someone wants more info.

Lots of :hug to you ladies still trying. Man have I been there and I know how heartbreaking it is.

[AdinaL]

Holy Old Thread Batman!!!:LOL

Thanks Ladies. :)

[waiting4baby]

It may be an old thread, Adina, but it seems that a lot of women here feel the same! TTC is tough, tough, tough and people who haven't put so many months and mental energy into the concentrated effort won't understand the pain. It sucks!! :cuss

However, I keep telling myself that we will find a way!! And there is still time!! And no matter how obnoxiously idiotic other people are with their stupid comments, questions, and judgments, I am glad that I am TTC! I know in my heart of hearts I am ready to be a parent and their comments cannot diminish my resolve! And, I think that this process may actually increase the amount of joy when it eventually happens - my child is not someone that I will ever take for granted. :love

[magentamomma]

I know it's a very old thread but it made me weep,because it meant I am not alone

[umefey]

Sending you big :Hug s and really really hoping that theres a whole lot of pregnancy stuff happening for you soon (I would say "praying" as kind of a general term, but don't want to offend...)

Theres absolutley nothing wrong with venting, and you didn't sound at all pissy, selfish, or childish.

[Amy_Smith_bsw]

I hope venting and knowing we are reading and do care helps at least a little. You are right that this is not something that makes sense entirely, which makes the frustration all the more painful.

[Velveteen]

Just re-reading this thread, and it is such a good one. Imagine my surprise that I saw myself in the beginning of the journey! I wish I was still 41!!

[May-lily]

It makes me sad that so many of us are still here but I'm so proud of how strong we are and good to each other.
I know one day we will tell our children about this and it will be one more way they will know we have loved them so much and for so long.

M

[AdinaL]

It is funny to read thsi thread now..

To look at the signatures, see who has succeeded...who has had devastating losses.

There are still days I want to rant. But mostly, I feel tired, defeated. I don't get hopeful anymore. I just sort of keep going.

I have the meeting about my IVF meds next week, as well as a saline ultrasound (HSG lite:LOL)and a "trial embryo transfer." Bizarre shit. I keep taking my meds and things keep going....I guess I am just looking at it all with vague interest now, but that's it. I will probably only get excited when I am actually pregnant.....and probably not until well into the pregnancy. (Okay, I might get a little excited if the eggs fertilize..:LOL)

[coleslaw]

Wow. Just, well, ... wow. Re-reading this (funny, I actually remembered the thread, but couldn't remember if I posted to it or not, until I saw my post) makes me see this whole journey differently. The words "smack in the face" come to mind. "Long and unbelievably hard" also calls to me. And just a shake of the head. Hard reality. I hope it helps someone who never saw it before.

Obviosuly, I'm not feeling very articulate. I think my words shocked me into numbness.

To those who are still around for whatever reason - :hug

[Leslie in Chicago]

thank you, Adina, for starting this thread with such raw, authentic honesty! And thank you to all of the women who've posted and shared exactly what I'm feeling. I just wish I'd grabbed a kleenex before I started reading. Now I've got mascara everywhere....

I haven't read or posted in a while, like I'm trying to convince myself that this really isn't so hard, I don't need support. But the truth is that I'm really struggling. My new sister-in-law, who just gave birth to a baby girl (their sixth child, if you count previous marriages & kids) actually questioned why my faith wasn't stronger when I told her what a hard time I was having. I shared my vulnerability and got a lecture on how I should just trust God more. So the reason we haven't gotten pregnant is because of a deficiency of faith on my part?!!

And then there is the money thing. Adina, I'd give you my insurance in a heartbeat if I could. It would actually pay for IVF. And here's the irony: we don't want to do IVF. I'm doing Chinese medicine now, because I have unexplained infertility and can't justify screwing with all my hormonal systems when there isn't a problem in that department.

If only we could all get together and those that have something to spare could put it in the middle, and those that needed something could take what they need.

Leslie

[mumm]

Thanks for this thread. I always feel like I am the only one who can't deal properly with this infertility/ttc misery. (And of course, then i think that if I can't deal with this, of course I shouldn't even get to be a parent since I am a wreck!) Maybe I shouldn't even have the kids I have. I see people who I know (through the grapevine) have been struggling to conceive and they seem so happy and normal. HOW?

My rant: I hate that my life is on hold. I hate that I can't exercise because of the drugs. I hate that my RE, when asked about running says "your not fat, don't worry about it." What??? It's not about how I look, its about how I feel. Is he even aware that this is an emotional and frustrating time? I hate that the money we saved for years so I could be a SAHM is going so quickly. I hate the guilt that I am spending money on TTC that could be used to send my kids to camp, or a family vacation, or even a trip to dairy queen for crying out loud. I hate that I am just a number at the pupy mill I call my Doctor's office. I hate that I weaned my 2 year old to take even more drugs. I hate that my family is not complete, and that I have no control over it. I hate that I can't afford to adopt a child who may be the one to help complete it.

Suprisingly, I don't hate pregnant women or babies. I still like going to baby showers and new baby parties.

And I appreciate the honesty of Adina in starting this thread, and for all the responses who I keep reading.

[Outofmymindyo]

I also have (I hate to use this word) enjoyed reading this thread, simply because I thought I was nuts for feeling terrible towards my brothers' girlfriend.

I think the reason it hurts so much is because of the people we see that have children that aren't giving the children the caring and loving that they need. I love my brother, but he can't do everything himself, but his girlfriend just aggravates me to no end. Ever since my beautiful niece was born, I have wondered what goes through the girls mind, but I can't stand to think of it anymore.

The most bothersome thing about her way of parenting, is the apparent lack of brains, because she has felt since day one that the most she needs to give my niece a bath is every 4-5 days, if not every week or less. I have seen Haley needing a bath EVERY time I have gone back home to visit my family, and it hurts me that they are too "lazy or busy" to give her a bath nightly, especially since she is walking now and has a whole lot more dirt and grime to get into.

Anyway, it's just made me realize that my time will come, or it won't, but never to give up and always understand that there is support for me no matter what happens.

Thanks everyone, who has been through it and survived, and still has their head in the right place. (even if it's a bit goofy like mine :nut)

[NYCVeg]

*gingerly sticks little toe in thread*

I have to say that coming across this thread meant a lot to me today. My dh and I are just at the beginning of our ttc journey--but pretty much to the day we decided to start trying (after putting it off a year after I felt "ready"), I had kidney stones and then developed a raging yeast infection which has morphed into some unknown condition that makes me uncomfortable all day and makes sex impossible (I'm due for yet another visit to the dr. tomorrow to see if they can figure out what this is and, more importantly, how to treat it). My level of frustration at this point makes me want to tear my hair out...and it's only been about a month and a half. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you ladies who have had problems for years. So just wanted commiserate (even though my problems seem fairly insignificant by comparison) and offer :Hug .

By the way: having looked into adoption myself, my understanding is that international and open adoption are extremely expensive, but that going through the state/foster system is not. I know there is a whole set of problems that come along with going that route, but maybe it's a possibility?

[FarmerCathy]

I'm glad you posted Adina. I feel the same way a lot of the time. We've been trying for 2.5 years. We found out that it is me and my husband. :( He has a problem with his semen releasing sperm. It takes 40 minutes instead of 0 to 20 minutes which is considered normal. We had him on Robitussin for awhile and that caused more problems than helped so the Dr suggested I put him on 500mg of vitamin C and he takes that daily and is supposed to have the same effect as the cough syrup.
For me it was my diet, my stress about having a baby caused me to lean on Dr. Pepper and sugar. Bad stuff that screws with your hormones. Even refined flour doesn't help. I read a book I found by talking to the Editor of "The Compleat Mother" called "The Garden of Fertility" by Katie Singer. Besides the charting like the Taking Charge of Your Fertility book it goes into more depth about diet and toxins in our environment. I put myself on a organic whole foods diet and don't eat any refined sugar. I'm on my sixth month with this diet and for most it's supposed to take atleast six months for things to get back to normal. I'm definately not as moody as I was. It's supposed to make your PMS little to none and cramps little to none. Which it has made a significant difference (My husband likes me more now.) :thumb My temps were very low and are supposed to go back up to a normal level once you get back to eating better, but I have not been taking my temp lately because that stresses me out too. I'm taking a break I guess and de-stressing. I've been doing things that are fun and not sitting around thinking about getting pregnant all the time. That is hard to do. I'm starting my farm business and that keeps me busy most of the time. I was so depressed all the time because of the caffiene mostly, but ttc takes a lot out of you when you just want to look down and be able to hold your own baby and watch the little darling sucking away at your breast. It makes me crazy sometimes. :nut I don't like being like this and am too looking into foster care with the intent to adopt. My husband wants a whole litter he says and I'm already pushing 30, so some might be adopted.
It makes me feel better that there are other people in the same boat and this thread has been really nice to read. I don't come to this group very often because it's just hard to think about.
:Thanks for listening and :dust and :grouphug to everyone.

Cathy

[mamapup]

This thread has me crying. :( I didn't even realize it was an old thread until someone posted that. It is definitely still relevant! I knew infertility was difficult and frustrating, but had no idea until going through it myself. And I have not even been trying for a year yet. I think I will go insane if I have to endure half of what you ladies have gone through/are going through. I wish I could "just relax" about the whole thing. It doesn't help that dh has put some arbitrary deadline on our childbearing years. :tsk It really makes be feel better to know that there are those who really understand. However, I hate that there are those who really understand ykwim?
I am very lucky to have a beautiful son, and have always felt so. I am definitely feeling it more keenly now. I am also blessed with wonderful family and friends who are very supportive and really pulling for me. I hate to keep bitching about things to them, because I know that they care, but it must be annoying/difficult to hear all the time yk? It seems like everyone I know, even the most unlikely of couples (not trying, on birth control, etc) are conceiving. Luckily I am still able to be thrilled for them - I hope I never lose that...but more than anything I hope to leave this forum forever. *sigh*

[MerryOne]

I just sat and read and cried.
I've just started on my journey ttc, I blame myself for my losses, for using hormonal birth control for 2+ years, for waiting so long after I had my son and met Mr Right, doing the expected things, yet feel it's not my place to complain because I have my son (almost 9).
I have strong feelings when so many of my friends have had kids for men they knew for mere weeks and ignore their kids to party or just ignored them period, and I have planned and waited years to be able to give my future children everything and now my body is being a traitor.

Ok this is too much I'm going to find the toffee tempation ice cream

:hug s to all of those waiting their littles ones

[Pookietooth]

I'm going to post quickly before reading all the responses. First of all, it's totally natural, human, understandable, to feel angry at being infertile. Second, :Hug to you for posting this to make the rest of us feel less alone in our feelings. I do hope you sucess in conceiving, however you do it. I hope you find a way! Our society is so anti-child, it's kind of logical that fertility treatments are expensive and not covered by most insurance. It's kind of that old "sterilize the unfit (poor)" thing, only the sterilization is by all the toxins in our environment and our necessity of postponing childbearing.

Here's my rant (hope you don't mind) I am infertile, too, and had to resort to injectibles to get pregnant (my insurance at the time covered it -- that was back when I lived in California and had Kaiser). I will not be able to have another, for many reasons, and I am angry about that. It took many years to conceive ds, at least partially due to denial but also because dh was against fertility treatments (I finally just did it anyway). I'm mad that I'm 39 with a two year old -- I constantly wish I were 29 instead, at least partially because my mom was still alive when I was 29. I'm mad because I didn't get to enjoy my pregnancy because I was always worried about m/c (looking back, I wish I hadn't). :blah

Whew! I do feel better! Thanks!

[Astrid]

:crying Wow, that was a trip down memory lane. And at the time this thread was started, I had only been ttc for slightly over a year and still has some of my sanity left.

This fall I'm going to start clomid, which I feel is really my last hope. :( Dh has gone from "just relax and let it happen" to "let me know whatever I can do to help" (thankfully!)

The hardest part has been seeing people who started ttc after me have their babies, and are now pregnant with baby #2. Hello?!?!?!??!??!?! When it is my turn? What am I doing wrong? And I've lost all sympathy for people complaining about morning sickness, or that they aren't getting enough sleep because their babies wake them up all night. Ummm, do they know what I would give to have their problems!
:o I guess I sound a little insensitive but I'm on cd3 of cycle # to damn many. I've been poked and proded and had some pretty uncomfortable tests done, all to be told they can't find anything wrong.

:Hug to all

[AdinaL]

Astrid! :hug I haven't seen you in a while.

Yep - I wrote the original post forever and some ago....and now I am gearing up for my IVF retrieval on Tuesday.

My friend's baby just turned one. My other friend just had her second at the beginning of June. I get pretty annoyed too. I would gladly take a crying baby over having to wake up at 6 am to give myself shots. Color me nutty and all.....

[Astrid]

:love Adina I have been lurking on the 30+ thread... :fingersx: today for your retrieval!! :)

[renee37]

I feel your pain and agree with every word! I've had several miscarriages for that doctor's can't explain. I keep my pain inside and ask my self over and over again WHY ME?! WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE TO BE CHILDLESS!

[MerryOne]

It's amzing in July I wasn't defeated, today I am, IF wins, I give up on ever concieveing half way naturally, it's the RE or no way, I can accept it, I might have a couple more nights like this one filled with tears but I can accept it.

[Kat's Mommy]

OMGosh, I completely understand. It took years to conceive and I felt the exact same way. It just isn't fair. I knew of people who had babies that treated them poorly, and here hubby and I were dealing with infertility. Going to appointment after appointment, getting up at 430am to take the 515am bus downtown to get blood work taken and transvaginal ultrasounds every other day.

Go ahead. Vent. Rant. Get angry. I don't know any of you personally, but nonetheless, I am here for you.

I wish each and every one of you the best in the pursuit of mommyhood.

[AdinaL]

This thread has kept going. Which surprises me a little. My first post was made over 2 years ago. Guess it shows that some things continue to be battles everyday.

To all of you :hug Infertility is an interesting road. I spent so much time on this board (so much time that I am the mod! :lol), and though I am pregnant now, there is a looming spectre of "What happens when we want #2?" I usually ignore it, and I say I will deal with it then. But it isn't like it is going to go away. In two more years, I might be right back on this thread. :)

I hope this thread sticks around for that long, and that people continue to find support here. I so wanted the Infertility board to be a place where people could find support, where people who were AP and NFL and who didn't always go with western medicine had a place to talk about all these things that we never thought we would have to face. :) I love that there are as many natural ideas on here as there are allopathic. I love that women still come to this thread and scream and cry. :hug Sometimes, we all need to do it.

[monocyte]

Wow. Amazing feelings that I can't even begin to express in words - but I think we all know in our hearts what that feeling of utter emptyness, desperation, failure...sigh.

I am just starting the IF road, again. I always thought, just give me one child to love, hold, mother...and now the longing is again. I tried to be tough the first time around and not let too many know how much I wanted a child, and how it hurt me to see them having one, two babies in the time it took for us to conceive one. But, I dont have the strength this time around to hold it in.

Don't exactly know what I am thinking...but, just nice to be here with others.

[OTMomma]

Why does it hurt so much to want someone you've never met?

[pycelan]

Why does it hurt so much to want someone you've never met?

:hug Mama. It hurts because of the dream you of who and what that person will be. I hope your dream comes true soon. In fact, I hope all of our dreams for new little beans comes true...

[Yulia_R]

"What happens when we want #2?" I usually ignore it, and I say I will deal with it then. But it isn't like it is going to go away. In two more years, I might be right back on this thread. :)

On my 6 weeks postpartum visit (6 weeks after my c-section) my doctor (she is a very experienced high-risk pregnancies doctor) was pushing me really hard to use contraception before we are ready for baby #2. I was quite annoyed thinking that she just forgot the fact that I’m infertile and our baby was conceived through IVF, but when I reminded her that she said that this was exactly the reason why she was pushing so hard. She said that she had A LOT of IVF parents who got their “ops” baby when they were totally not ready for that. That time she was caring for a pregnant woman that got pregnant just few months after delivering TRIPLETS :nut that were conceived through IVF and she considered herself to be absolutely infertile after years and years of trying to conceive :thumb .
She said that it’s very important to relax aboutconception, stop thinking about it and this usually happen with couples that went through infertility exactly after they have their baby. So they relax, not using any contraception (as they think they can’t conceive naturally) and that is exactly when such couples get a lot of pregnancies.
So, I guess the key is to give it a try when it’s the worst time LOL!