My stepdaughter has a couple of sisters, one of whom is 12 (almost 13) and spends a fair amount of time with us. At least 1 weekend/month, some holidays and most family vacations.

She is a very bright, responsible kid. I forget that she isn't 22. She's been in gifted programs at school, is a very talented violinist, and is very sweet and thoughtful.

This is all despite not really being set up for success. When she was born, her mom didn't quite feel the same about her as she did her previous child (who is now 20). Her mom had admitted this to DH and to me, although it was apparent that she heavily favors DSD (who is 6) and the 20 yo before she said anything. A few years back, her father, who was uninvolved and lived in another state, passed away. She didn't have much of a relationship with him, but it was tough to deal with anyway. Maybe even more confusing because of this.

The year after her father died, her mom made plans to move to Greece with an ex-con millionaire. Not surprisingly, the plans fell through, but DSD's sister was already *really* excited to start over in a new country. She had been promised a dog and a donkey, and when it didn't happen, it was very disappointing.

She went through a brief goth phase last year, and DH thought, "Oh, here we go... it's time to deal with all of this stuff." DH's father died before he was born, and he dealt with it in his teen years while dressing like Marilyn Manson. Well, surprise! The phase really was more fashion-oriented than anything else, and was over in a blink.

Fast-forward to today. She has a boyfriend. A boy from her neighborhood. He is 14.
DSD's mom has tried to talk to DSD's sister about the boyfriend, and the response she received was, "Mom, you date lots of men." True.

DSD's mom is not crazy about the boyfriend and has decided that she wants to put an end to it. Her two reasons: He has his lip pierced and he smokes. I have to be honest, I'm not entirely sure what the problem is with the lip ring. She isn't anti-piercing (has a belly ring and a nose ring). I understand not wanting your child around people who smoke, but she also smokes. Obviously, she is an adult and free to make that decision, but she also let the now 20 yo smoke in the house when she was underage.

Last weekend, DSD's mom and the 20 yo sister were going to sit down with the 12 yo and have a come-to-Jesus meeting (as she called it) about the boyfriend. She eventually decided that a big sit-down would probably make things worse, and has now decided to just drop hints and make little comments about how DSD's sister is too young to have a boyfriend.

So here is where I come in. DSD's sister is spending this weekend with us, and DSD's mom mentioned to DH that it might be helpful for me to say something about the situation since I am another adult female that she knows and respects. I am not quite sure what to say, though! I need some advice. I know that she would probably be better off without this boyfriend, but I also know how it feels to be young and have a boy like you. I really just want to do whatever I can to set DSD's sister up for success. She has so many gifts, and so much potential. But these next few years seem like a minefield!

Thoughts?

Here is my advice, and keep in mind, I'm still struggling with the same questions with dsd.

Here are things I'm fairly certain about...

* If you come right out and say "he's not good for you", that will mean very little to her, and won't change much, except that she will probably not be likely to tell you anything from this point on.

* Asking "how is it going with you and <insert bf's name>", and then actually staying quiet and listening is always a good start.

* Asking "how do you feel about the fact that he smokes?" is better than telling "you shouldn't be seeing a guy who smokes."

* Establishing yourself as a "go to" person is better than not knowing what is going on.

I also think that you are in luck, because you don't have to make the hard decisions, so I would see your role as a listener and a person who can give a solid advice when asked. I woudl take it very slow, and make this weekend about getting to know her point of view on this relationship, and finding out what rosy glasses of first love look like for this girl. :lol

That's what I think. :innocent

* If you come right out and say "he's not good for you", that will mean very little to her, and won't change much, except that she will probably not be likely to tell you anything from this point on.

* Asking "how is it going with you and <insert bf's name>", and then actually staying quiet and listening is always a good start.

* Asking "how do you feel about the fact that he smokes?" is better than telling "you shouldn't be seeing a guy who smokes."

* Establishing yourself as a "go to" person is better than not knowing what is going on.

I also think that you are in luck, because you don't have to make the hard decisions, so I would see your role as a listener and a person who can give a solid advice when asked. I woudl take it very slow, and make this weekend about getting to know her point of view on this relationship, and finding out what rosy glasses of first love look like for this girl. :lol

That's what I think. :innocent

Excellent advice. I think SD and her sister are very lucky to have you in their lives.

If you come on too strong she'll think that you've been talking to her mother. Try to feel her out and go from there. Good luck!

If you come on too strong she'll think that you've been talking to her mother.

That's one of my biggest worries! I'm not sure that DSD's sister knows that anyone knows about the smoking. The 20 yo sister saw the bf smoking while walking around the neighborhood. So I probably won't bring that up. I don't even know if they've brought it up. For all I know, DSD's sister doesn't even know about the smoking.

I think I will just ask questions and listen. I remember how smart I thought I was at that age. Advice from adults? Adults don't know what they are talking about!

I agree with the listen part. You can talk too, if you hold a conversation instead of telling her what she should do or what you think it right. To be honest, 14 with a lip piercing and a smoker doesn't worry me all that much. Yeah smoking is a bad habit, but smoking doesn't make someone a bad person. Until proven otherwise, I'd rather assume he's at least a decent person.

FWIW, I dated a 12 (almost 13) yo when I was 14 and a smoker and nothing bad every came of it. In fact she and I are still pretty good friends.

Until proven otherwise, I'd rather assume he's at least a decent person.


I have this feeling on it, too. Honestly, if she were my child, I'd be much more inclined to invite this young man over for dinner several times and get to know him rather than forbid my daughter to see him based on limited information. But that's just me. :shrug

Just as big as the possibility of him being a "bad" influence on DSD's sister is the possibility of her being a "good" influence on him.

Here is my advice, and keep in mind, I'm still struggling with the same questions with dsd.

Here are things I'm fairly certain about...

* If you come right out and say "he's not good for you", that will mean very little to her, and won't change much, except that she will probably not be likely to tell you anything from this point on.

* Asking "how is it going with you and <insert bf's name>", and then actually staying quiet and listening is always a good start.

* Asking "how do you feel about the fact that he smokes?" is better than telling "you shouldn't be seeing a guy who smokes."

* Establishing yourself as a "go to" person is better than not knowing what is going on.

I also think that you are in luck, because you don't have to make the hard decisions, so I would see your role as a listener and a person who can give a solid advice when asked. I woudl take it very slow, and make this weekend about getting to know her point of view on this relationship, and finding out what rosy glasses of first love look like for this girl. :lol

That's what I think. :innocent
:yeah:
This is my take on this, as well.

IME (as a teen - hasn't ever come up with ds1), forbidding someone to date someone and/or playing up what a bad choice the other person is tends to backfire. I've seen it backfire with adults...but I've never seen it not backfire with a teenager. I have two friends who stayed in unhealthy and potentially abusive (one of them turned flat-out abusive at the end) relationships for years, because mom and dad came down hard on the boyfriend.

Good luck with this. You're in a very good position in some ways...but a really, really awkward one in others.

That's one of my biggest worries! I'm not sure that DSD's sister knows that anyone knows about the smoking. The 20 yo sister saw the bf smoking while walking around the neighborhood. So I probably won't bring that up. I don't even know if they've brought it up. For all I know, DSD's sister doesn't even know about the smoking.
I have to ask. What's the 20 yo sister like? Is she basically honest, or not? I know one person who would have delighted in making up something like "A's boyfriend is a smoker - I saw him!" when it wasn't true, just to stir up trouble. Likewise, is there any possibility she mistook him for someone else? I'm only asking, because it sounds as though this is a major source of the mom's and sister's antipathy towards this guy...but only one person actually has any firsthand knowledge of it.

I have to ask. What's the 20 yo sister like? Is she basically honest, or not? I know one person who would have delighted in making up something like "A's boyfriend is a smoker - I saw him!" when it wasn't true, just to stir up trouble. Likewise, is there any possibility she mistook him for someone else? I'm only asking, because it sounds as though this is a major source of the mom's and sister's antipathy towards this guy...but only one person actually has any firsthand knowledge of it.

This is a good question. I'm not sure if she would stir up trouble just because, but it is *possible.* There is also the possibility of mistaken identity. The 20 yo has always been a bit troubled - dropped out of high school, has been pregnant twice (no kids, though), was always getting into some sort of trouble as a teen. She seems to be trying to get her life together now, as she is back in school, but was recently fired from her part-time job for (allegedly) stealing from the till. So, who knows?

This weekend went really well. I did ask her a little about the boyfriend, but not so much that she would think that I was pumping her for information. I did not mention the smoking. It doesn't seem to me like her mom's comments about being too young have really registered with DSD's sister (her mom can be pretty sarcastic, so they may have gone in one ear and out the other). DH also asked her about the boyfriend at dinner. From what I got out of it, it all seemed pretty innocent and not that serious. So hopefully her mom just keeps an eye on things and doesn't make any rash moves. I have a feeling that this one, like most young romances, will eventually fizzle out. But it doesn't seem like there is anything sinister or dangerous going on.

I see the weekend has already come and gone, but why not let her invite the boyfirend over to dinner too. Then you can meet him and he will know who you are, and know that his girlfriend has many adults in her life looking out for her. So if he does turn out to be a "bad influence" he'll know that she has folks around her, and if he does turn out to be "just fine" maybe he'll come hang out some and you can pay him to mow your lawn or something :)

I often talk to both my neice and my youngest cousin (both now teens) and I just show interest in them, in their lives and leave room for them to talk.

I have this feeling on it, too. Honestly, if she were my child, I'd be much more inclined to invite this young man over for dinner several times and get to know him rather than forbid my daughter to see him based on limited information. But that's just me. :shrug

Just as big as the possibility of him being a "bad" influence on DSD's sister is the possibility of her being a "good" influence on him.

The dinner thing is how my grandma (who saved me from my parents:love) handled stuff and it worked great!!!! If they were decent they came to dinner, if not they usually quit wanting to see me, and though I was sad a bit, in hind sight it was usually a good thing. It was never a requirement, just an invitation. I was also allowed to do most anything I wanted as long as I answered who what when where for how long, call if anything changes. this is the approach I intend to try with my own ;)