Siblings fighting - need advice

[JJMama]

First, a bit of background. I have lurked here since my DS was born 6 years ago. I have read every book ever written :) about AP, Siblings Without Rivalry, Parenting, Gentle Discipline, Proactive Parenting, you name it, I have read it and taken it to heart.

I am not a perfect parent and I don't always parent "by the book", but I aspire to be gentle, loving, non-violent, non-coercive, ect. ect with my kids, so I succeed some of the time.

So, WHY do my son and daughter fight all the time???? What can I do to have more peace in my house. They hurt each other - they are 3.5 and 6 and they scratch, bite and hit each other all the time. I am so tired of it. I have tried every strategy that I know and now would like some advice.

What do other mamas do to address fighting amongst siblings? I can handle it if they are just using words, but when it gets physical, I need to put a stop to it!! When they hurt each other, I separate them. Over and over and over. I need a new approach!!It is not ok to hurt each other. We don't spank, DH and I have a loving marriage, they are surrounded by love. I truly don't understand why they continue to hurt each other. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

[EllieB]

Is it possible they are fighting for your attention? Have you tried giving each of them more 1 on 1 time? Maybe focusing on you and your dh's relationship with each of them instead of their relationship with each other...good luck it sounds very stressful :(

[L.J.]

What sometimes works for us is if I get them working together as a team. When my boys re constantly at each other I try to do something where I am the one doing something to both of them so they kind of combine forces to take me on.

[Marsupialmom]

At our house we can see that behavior coming. We separate (distract) them when the small stuff is starting.

Take a look at what they are fighting about.

Do they need remedial sharing training? My kids go through cycle that it seems like I have to re-teach this skill.

Is your younger one invading the older ones personal space? Does the oldest one need some time that his sister is not bugging him?

Is the older one being a bossy dictator? Is the younger one being the bossy dictator?

You and your husband argue and disagree. Your children will but they are immature and do not know how to argue fair. They do not know how to go take a 10-min break to cool off. They don’t read body language and understand this is not the time, knock it off, or any other message we read from others.

You still have to watch and give words. “DS, you want dd to leave it alone you need to say ------.” “If you need private/alone time let me know and I will keep the other child away.” “Of course, when you sit the toy down someone else will pick it up. It signals you are done.”

[JJMama]

Thanks for the suggestions. I have been more attentive to helping them get along the past couple of days and things are going much better. Sometimes I just need reminders........
I really have to lower my expectations too. They are so little and still learning.

Also realized they are spending much more time together this week and last since it is winter break from school.

[chellemarie]

JJMama...I know you said you read the book already, but a bunch of us are going to read and discuss Siblings Without Rivalry on the Childhood Years board.

Click "My Mission" in my signature if you're interested. :)