warning: crazy lady ahead

[SamuraiEarthMama]

i was having a pretty hard day today... teary and feeling sad and sorry for myself, sick and down and just no fun... when i realized i might have a reason for it.

you see, i started bleeding and miscarrying my last two babies in my 10th week each time. and i hit 10 weeks today with this one.

even though i'm feeling nauseous, and tender breasts, and swollen belly, and needing naps in the afternoon... in short, VERY pregnant!... i almost feel like a fraud telling people i am pregnant, because the last two times i said that, i had to "take it back" when i lost the babies.

(and i probably shouldn't say "lost" them... it sounds like i misplaced them under the couch or something. i should just avoid the euphamism and say "miscarried").

see, i'm just being cranky crazy lady today. and i thought maybe you gals might understand. i really am so grateful to have a chance to carry this baby, but i'm SO DAMNED SCARED it's gonna leave like the other ones did!

i'm a good momma! i'm doing the right things! why don't these babies want to stay with me? i know in my head it has NOTHING to do with me... that it's just a roll of the dice... then why do i feel like i'm walking a minefield? why am i so nervous about starting to dream and plan for this one? because i'm mad about having the rug pulled out from me before, and i want to do whatever i can to avoid it this time.

but i can't.

sometimes you just don't get to pick what happens to you. i know this.

i've been to enough births and helped with enough babies to know this very well. the perfect parents who so badly want a baby have a cord accident during labor and the baby dies and they go into a depression that last three years and almost kills their marriage. a few weeks later, the heavy smoker who won't nurse and wants her epidural on arrival to the hospital has a beautiful healthy boy (WHY?). massive resuscitation effort on a vbac baby after a wonderful powerful labor, possible brain damage, vegan parents who never touched aspirin let alone anything stronger! heart failure on a born-at-home baby, midwife goes to jail for murder. SIDS hits both the heroin addict's tiny daughter and the co-op vegetable manager's beautiful baby girl.

those heartbreaking pictures of mary rose and her momma.

sometimes i just hate that we're supposed to bury all those stories and just pretend everything is going to be OK. should i just try to be numb to all that sadness and pain? or take a more zen path... accept it, acknowledge it, and try to become grateful for every moment i do have with this little one, knowing that tomorrow it might leave me?

crazy days. sad days. scared days.

thanks for listening.

katje the nutcase

[Jacque Savageau]

katje, it's ok to be a nutcase here :hug I remember one day after I lost Amanda I was in her room and I began screaming and tearing at the wall paper. I ended by throwing a rocking chair through a window and laying on my bed screaming"I want my baby, bring back my baby" over and over. To this day I don't know how the neighbors didn't hear and have me taken away. That was 10 years ago and I still remember how out of control I felt that day.

I think you're feelings are VERY normal. Don't feel bad about it. Feelings are the only thing we truly own and you have a right to them. I'm just thankful that you're comfortable talking here where there is no judgement.

Life seems to be a random series of events. I don't know why the crack addicted mother can give birth to a healthy baby and a loving woman who longs for a baby should lose her child. It's a question I've pondered for the last 10 years.

I'm always so touched by the stories of loss here. The deep love we all have for the babies we lost.

I'm sorry you're having a rough day :hug

[OneCatholicMommy]

((hugs))

I feel the same way right now.

[SamuraiEarthMama]

Hang in there, OneCatholicMommy!

Tomorrow I'm 12 weeks, and I heard the heartbeat a week ago, and I'm feeling SOOO much better! I'm still nauseus, but now I KNOW this baby is doing OK, and I'm doing a good job taking care of it, and I really think it wants to stay with us.

I actually forgot I wrote this, and I'm a little embarrassed... but I'm going to leave it, and not edit it, because it's a raw slice of what pregnancy after loss is like.

Fortunately, the whole thing is not crazy time! I swear I can feel this baby moving already, and I'm already dreaming about who will be at the labor, and where I'm going to put the pool... I hope I'm not doing a counting-chickens-before-the-eggs thing.

Would you like to share a little more about what's bothering you, OneCatholicMommy? Honest... these folks are wonderful, getting it out of your system truly feels better, and it helps pass the time while you are waiting waiting waiting for signs that this baby is gonna be OK!

If not, that's OK too. Know that you've got sisters here who are sending you good thoughts and wishes and prayers during the wild roller coaster ride of pregnancy after loss...

It will get better, OneCatholicMommy.

Katje

[wolfmom]

I just wanted to pop in and say that I have had many days like this in the last few weeks. I also hated the feeling that i had to "take it back" when our baby died. I hate the fact that i felt that way and i hate that phrase even though that is how i felt. I felt like it is denying the existance of the baby.

Anyway, this last week has been much better since i felt the first movements of this tiny baby! I know how you feel about getting ahead of yourself but it's so nice to feel hope again that i am just letting myself enjoy the dreams of a healthy baby for now.

Of course, i am also looking forward more to the birth because my sister just had her baby a couple days ago so I have had the immense pleasure of snuggling a newborn and remembering how wonderful it is! yeay!

[OakEmber]

This is a pretty old thread but I thought I'd reply...I am 12 weeks and one of the prevalant thoughts right now is "If I can just make it through this pregnancy and have bring my baby into this world..that'll be it, no more pregnancies for me!" Anyone else feel this way? Does that feeling go away??

I always was sort of torn between wanting two or three kids, figured two for sure then after that I'd see about a third. Now I am thinking that two is just fine for me! I don't want a forth pregnancy, even though my second only lasted a short 8 weeks. Part of me feels ashamed, pregnancy is supposed to be a safe, normal time...especially for those of us who chose midwifery care and subscribe to Mothering, right?!! I feel like I shouldn't feel like it's more a game of russian rollette (spelling?). Then again I guess deep down I knew that I couldn't decide before hand how many kids I wanted to have ahead of time, or when for that matter.

Anyway, I was just wondering if there are others who feel like this too.


Amie mommy to Ember(3) m/c Nov.03 and EDD Oct.15/04

[shannon0218]

I so know what you are saying Embersmom, I am not yet pregnant again but going through testing to see why we keep miscarrying. I had always wanted 2, now I just feel, give me one baby and he/she will never go a day not knowing how desparatly he/she was wanted and is loved.