Well, I made it through our first tantrums- I think I held up okay, too

[veganmamma]

Dd is 13 mos old today, this was xmas eve. There was a big party and lots of chaos. Against my wishes, dd who was almost walking was given two radio flyer walker typer toys. Neith have any steering, so as much as dd loved them, they were terribly frustrating. So after a very long night, she was melting down, so I took her into another room to nurse her. As soon as I sat down she arched her back and started screaming, trying to get away from me. She crumpled on the floor and cried,a dn I remember crying those tears, those frustrated tears, she was sweaty and hot and every time I touched her back to reassure her or soothe her, she violently pulled away and screamed louder. I backed off and moved furniture away from her as she slid around with her face on the floor. I was very teary eyed and shaken, but I tried to stay really calm for her, and just reminded her every now and then I was there. I would also ask her if she wanted to nurse and she would scream "no" or cry so I'd lay off her again, always staying close. Finally she pulled her head up with a "help me, mamma" look and I asked her if she wanted to go outside She nodded so we went for a walk outside to her great grandma's who lives next door and has a bench swing. we sat in the swing and sang little songs and then went inside and she nursed to sleep. She slept through christmas mass, she never fully woke again, poor dear.

The next day she had a mini tantrum, same kind of thing, but much shorter and after a few times of asking she wanted to nurse, and climbed into my lap.

I never knew how hard it is to allow a child to have a tantrum! Gawd, it just killed me. I know how those feel! I *hate* having her feel so frustrated and sad and there is nothing I can do to help! I really had to fight myself at the beginning of the first one not to shut her down. NOw that she is getting better at walking, taking more unassisted steps and such, she is a lot less frustrated, but she still gets into a lot of situations where she expects to be able to do something and cant. I find myself showing her very often now that Mamma can't do those things either. Anyway, wanted to share our story, suggestions for tantrums greatly appreciated.
Lauren

[monkey's mom]

God, your post brought tears to my eyes!

It is soooo hard, yes? Mine broke down in the gift shop of the National Cathedral a few weeks back. I just carried him into the corridor and crouched down by him while he laid on the floor and cried. Like yours, he wants me close, but not touching. And when he's done, he's done.

I just murmer reassurances to him:
"I know, buddy, I know."
"You're so upset, you poor dear."
"I'm here. I'm here. I'm here."

The hardest part is WOPT (What Other People Think!). Lots of people walking by and his cries echoing off all that marble. But, he got through it and slept afterwards--and knew that he was supported in his feelings! So, I guess it was a "success."

He just turned 2, and they aren't nearly as frequent. :thumb

[Piglet68]

Wow, Lauren! Thank you SO much for this post.

Lately Emily has been having some "tantrums" (gawd, I hate that term). As she approaches her 18 month birthday, and as usual the milestones are being knocked down rapidly, her emotions are really heightened.

You described my feelings SO well! It's so hard to watch them, hurting and upset like that, and not being able to do much but sit by them. I tell her the same things, monkey's mom. Soothing tones, I understand, I also try to identify the emotion "You're frustrated, you're sad...".

And yeah, I also wonder in amazement that other people think this is some kind of manipulative ploy, rather than the sheer outpouring of emotion that it is. :(

[famousmockngbrd]

Wow - I am so dense! :duh Cole had his first tantrum at Christmas, too and I didn't even realize it until I read your post! I was so worried about him, if we had been at home I think I would have called the doctor. The poor kid was totally out of control. I seriously thought he was ill.

I guess I thought of "tantrums" as a little fit a kid will throw when they don't get any gum in the checkout aisle, yk? This was something totally different.

[Piglet68]

I will say this, though...in hindsight they are almost always "predictable", kwim?

DD does this "wiggle worm" move and I have to be really careful to lay her down gently - she could really hurt herself!

[veganmamma]

When I was preggo there was an incredible article in Mothering about tantrums and it touched my heart so deeply. Tantrums and tantrum shutting down and punishing are two things that wounded me deeply as a child and as I read the article, I read it from the frustrated child's POV. I kept thinking, OMG, this is it! This is what I wish my mom had read to my stepdad when I was a child! This is what I needed, and I have been waiting ever since, remembering it, to be the gentle, loving reassuring voice that speaks to dd, protecting her from hurting herself and allowing her to release her energy. It is actually so healing for me. I've found the choices I make that are different from my own parents are healing to me. Anyway, here is the article-

http://www.mothering.com/15-0-0/html/15-2-0/tantrums.shtml

L

[sadie_sabot]

Originally posted by veganmamma
When I was preggo there was an incredible article in Mothering about tantrums and it touched my heart so deeply. Tantrums and tantrum shutting down and punishing are two

Oh, yeah, I read that article too and it really impacted me.

Natasha has been having a few melt downs here and there but no real tantrums yet. I am all a-twitter, waiting for it!:LOL And hoping i will handle it with as much love and grace as you.

ss

[veganmamma]

Thanks, that means a lot. We are back to meltdowns again. I have learned a great lesson about the "joys" of christmas with a large family.
L

[Zanymom]

It is funny you started this post b/c Zane (14 mo) has started tantrums too this last month. His are more comical though. He starts to get this girly scream and them he sits down, falls back and screams this funny scream. Then when he sees I am giving him what he wants, the shrill slowly tapers off and he laughs. :rolleyes: I love my boy!

[veganmamma]

That's cute, but it doesn't sound like a true tantrum. A true tantrum cannot be appeased, does that make sense? LIke he wants your remote and then you hand it to him and he tries to change the channel and it doesn't work so he throws it down, but when you pick it up he wants it back, but when you hand it back to him he screams and throws it down again, then he throws himself on the floor racking with sobs. Phew I'm exhausted just thinking about it! That would be a tantrum, sounds like he's still just having meltdowns-- a good thing of course!
L

[Zanymom]

ok, my son does not do that...that sounds sad and I hope he doesn't start. :hug to all of you moms who kids throw real tantrums, instead of fake Zane ones.

[veganmamma]

:LOL @ fake tantrums!

[mama2bababoo]

It sounds like you handled that first tantrum so well. You really listened to Sephie and let her know that you were there and ready for her. What an amazing thing to be able to do for your child! It sounds like you handled it with such compassion which allowed her to really do what she needed right at that moment. Knowing you though I'm not too suprised by this. You are such an amazing mamma! It is always so amazing to read your posts Lauren! When I think about the first tantrum happening with ds, I get a really sick feeling in my tum and I only hope that I can do as well as you did.

[veganmamma]

I should add a little late that DP was with me the whole time and was not only supportive of dd, but of me. :love
L

[StarMama]

Thank you for posting about this (and the article)! I know it'll be awhile before Orion is the age to tantrum (at least I certainly hope its awhile from now!) but I would have been clueless on how to help him! That article made a lot of sence... my SIL's 2 year old was having a tantrum at christmas eve and she yelled at him to stop :crying and I was so sad for him, he just needed to work off the frustration...