When your toddler is flipping out...

[monkeysmommy]

...what do you do?

I posted about this in another thread, but I decided to start my own because I have more questions.

The other night my almost 21 month old was trying to put on her shoes by herself. They have velcro and they are pretty easy, but she hasn't figured out how to push her heel in so the shoe stays on. She kept saying, "Mama, help you (me)" but every time I tried to help her, she screamed, "NO" and ripped the shoe out of my hand. I kept saying, "You want me to help you?" and then ."Oh, you want to do it yourself?" We went back and forth like this at least 10 times with her getting increasingly frustrated and me getting increasingly annoyed with her. The situation escalated to the point where she was screaming and crying and trying to shove the shoe on her foot and yelling at me. Tears were streaming down her face and her veins were sticking out of her forehead. I felt her stress level really elevated. (and mine) I said, "You know what? I think it's time for the shoes to go night-night." and I put them up on the shelf. I didn't know what else to do! OMG! She then proceeded to turn into Linda Blair from the excorcist! It was truly horrific to witness. I tried to hold her but she pushed me away. I tried to talk to her but she was screaming so loud she couldn't hear me. I let her scream for a while, and then I couldn't take it anymore, so I scooped her up, against her will, shoved her into a sling and went outside. This worked to calm her down enough to talk to her. I told her that the shoes were going night night so she could calm down and that she would see them in the morning and she could try again then. She said, "Shoes night-night." and then we went inside and colored.

So I'm not sure if I did the right thing or not. When your toddler is frustrated because of something they don't have ability to do, do you let them work through it, or do you intervene at a certain point? One side of me says that she was just not able to work through it on her own, but the other side says that taking the shoes away and picking her up against her will was too controlling on my part, and I did it because her screaming was getting to me, I should allow her to feel her own feelings, and to express them in the way she needed to.

She doesn't have many meltdowns so dh and I were truly stunned at the intensity of this one. What would you have done?

[Laurel]

Originally posted by monkeysmommy
but the other side says that taking the shoes away and picking her up against her will was too controlling on my part, and I did it because her screaming was getting to me, I should allow her to feel her own feelings, and to express them in the way she needed to.

I'm not sure what you should have done differently leading up to picking her up, but I think that at that point, you did the right thing. I believe in letting my ds express his own feelings, and tantrums are not threatening to me as a parent, but I also think that there is a point where the child needs mom or dad to take control. I think a tantrum is such emotional overload and must be so overwhelming for a little one--I think in a way it can be comforting to have the parent step in as you did. It sounds like it worked since she calmed down. You did not punish her, and you used the sling (which probably is normally associated w/ comfort and security). I don't think I would do this intervention for every tantrum, but for a really big and scary one, yes.

[zombiemommie]

Well, once the genie is out of the bottle, its kind of hard to stuff her back in there. I *can* tell you what you *might* have tried instead of taking the shoes away... distraction. Distract, distract, distract, redirect, redirect, redirect. Something along the lines of "oh ! I just remembered that I was going to eat an orange !! Would you like one ?? How about we bring your shoes into the kitchen and have an orange together ?? ((Plop her onto the counter. Start peeling the orange or something similar. "Can mommy help you get those shoes on so we can have the orange ?? ") Sometimes just going to look at the very exciting clouds or something, SOME kind of change of scenery. ANYTHING. LOL. Boy, I remember the days.

That said, my son was an excruciating tantrum thrower and to some extent still is, coupled by this intensity and drive where it could last up to an hour over something like that. My daughter is already in the midst of tantrum-ville, and she is only 11 months old. Its coming. Coming soon. ((hugs))). I think you handled it wonderfully, BTW>

[veganmamma]

Try reading this article:
http://www.mothering.com/15-0-0/html/15-2-0/tantrums.shtml

This sheds a lot of light on those no win freak outs. :hug
L

[monkey's mom]

Hey monkeysmommy,

Great name!! LOL

I have learned that I need to sit and watch and wait, wait, wait.

If I try to intervene in his attempts, he will flip out.

Now, yours was asking for help, so that's a little different, but I just say, "If you need help, just say 'Help, please!' and mommy will help" Sometimes he will do what yours did--ask, but not be receptive--but, mostly he will try and try until he reaches a point of frustration and then I am able to help (often in varying degrees). Maybe that was it, you were helping in a way she wasn't expecting/wanting? Maybe asking "How can mommy help? Do you want me to hold the shoe open like this? Do the laces, here?" And, show on the other shoe, so she doesn't feel threatened by you touching the shoe she is working on.

I think you did OK, given the level of frustation you were experiencing! :hug

FWIW, redirection almost NEVER works for my 24 mos. ds. (though he has started redirecting other kids who try to take "his" toys. :LOL )