going to try to start GD

[Melissa S]

This is my first post so please bear with me.

I found out about AP about five months ago. I've seen many AParents in practice but never had a name for it. I just labeled them as those ppl who don't have a handle on their kids, lol. However, since beginning some AP practices I'm exploring GD. Both hubby and I are mainstream in that area but now with three kids under four it's getting exhausting to be using traditional discipline.

I am very divided on the subject and I don't want to do GD just to fit into a certian group, kwim? I want it to be genuine b/c I believe in it in my heart. My biggest fear is that my kids will become out of control if I use GD. Without much info, I attempted to stop physical punishment a few months ago but I had no resources to replace it with. My kids were so conditioned to the way things had been that they now thought they could get away with anything and mommy would do nothing. I'm still investigating and willing to try anything new.

I'm not really into books right now, but if a few could sum up a few things:

1) Basically just give me a really good case for why I should practice GD.

2) How I could start making the transition with kids that are used
to physical consequences to their actions (keep in mind this is not my answer to every situation).

3) Any suggestions as to how I can start GD, a few simple guidelines.

Thank you all so much,
Melissa

[Peppermint]

First- I wanted to say good for you for looking to change something that isn't working for your family. Second I want to say that GD is somewhat different to everyone, and there are probably quite varying degrees, and we are all works in progress on this :)

1) Basically just give me a really good case for why I should practice GD.

Well, what you are currently doing is not working- that's a good reason to start. Also, consider the relationship you want with your children as they grow, and how to get the respect you are looking for (you have to give respect to get it- for it to be real). Think about how your children are small people who deserve the same respect as adults (I am sure you would not hit dh for misbehaving- or allow him to "discipline" you that way). GD is a way of respecting you children while "disciplining" (to teach- not to punish) them. Chances are the children you have seen who seem out of control are getting no discipline, and have no real consequences, there is a big difference between that and GD.

2) How I could start making the transition with kids that are used
to physical consequences to their actions (keep in mind this is not my answer to every situation).

Well, since it is not your answer to every situation, I bet you already have a bunch of ways which you teach your children without physical punishment, and you just have to stop the hitting, and use some of the other techniques you are already using, the hitting does need to be replaced with something, absolutely.

3) Any suggestions as to how I can start GD, a few simple guidelines.

Well, my advice since you haven't time for reading books on the subject right now- is to post specific questions here, and you will get lots of ideas of different responses you can use.

Try to start with the mindset that YOU need to make a change in your behavior, and that discipline takes lots of time and energy, esp. when making a change in the way you do things, but in the end it is worth it, and with consistent GD in your home, you will find that things are actually much easier than they are right now.

Make certain that you have realistic expectations for your children's behavior, as a former pre-school teacher, I can honestly say that while parents do know their own child best :), they often think that since the child is *smart* that they should be able to behave certain ways which are not developmentally appropriate.

There are 2 ways when starting to do things, one is to rely on Natural Consequences- for example- your child chooses not to eat breakfast- they will be hungry before snack time. Then there are "logical" consequences- which are consequences which you impose b/c the natural consequence is more troublesome to you than the child, or is dangerous, etc. If your child colors on the wall- the natural consequence would be that the wall would be dirty -IME this will not bother a child :), so you impose a logical consequence- you tell your child that that is not how we use crayons- we use them on paper, then you have the child scrub the wall (to the best of their ability and with your help depending on age), you let them know that if they choose to do that again they will have to clean the wall again, and the crayons will need to be put where they cannot be used for a time.

One last thing I always like to mention to someone starting out (cause it was a big help to me when I started), is HALT- when your child is "acting up" ask yourself- is the child Hungry? Angry? Lonely? Tired?, and take those things into consideration- you cannot take a hungry or tired child grocery shopping and expect them to be able to behave- do you go when you are overly hungry or tired? Set them up for success :)

I am sure you will get many other much more eloquent responses, and I hope you take some time to read other posts in this forum, good luck!

[LoveBeads]

Well Patty, your post seemed extremely eloquent to me!

I can only "second" what she has already said so well. I have never used physical punishments with my child so I really don't have any great answers for that except that my instinct would be to sit down (with the kids who would understand) and explain that things are going to be different. And I would apologize for using physical force in the past. I know that I have apologized to my own DD for screaming or saying hurtful things to her so that would just be my first instinct.

I think the best reason for using GD, though, has to do with the way you wish to relate to all people. I know you don't have time for books but I wanted to recommend "Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline" if you ever have a moment (by Becky Bailey). It talks about how positive discipline is really a way of exploring your past and figuring out how to relate to your children presently and in the future to create and cement a bond created in love, not fear.

Good luck, there are great resources here and I know that you'll be able to get wonderful information. And welcome!