kids who hit (special circumstances)

[irishgreengables]

Hi there,

Dh and I are really struggling with our 2 and 3.5 year olds. They were in orphanages in Haiti until 5 months ago and came home big hitters (understandable considering their early upbringing). Now they rarely actually hit, but they, when angry, will pull their arms back like they are winding up to hit and usually start hitting at the air for a good long time. DH and I will say, "I see that you are angry. It is okay to be angry and you can tell us by saying, "angry' or 'not happy'. It is not okay to hit." It's not working. Part of me says just let them do it, but sometimes it does lead to real hitting and I do not want to giv them the message that any ind of hitting, real or oretend, is okay.

Your thought??

Peace,
Paula

[georgia]

Paula,

I was fortunate enough to meet with a wonderful therapist at an area conference for LLL a few yrs back. She specialized in anger therapy for children. Something she advocated for angry little ones was giving them an outlet in which to express this very real and powerful emotion. She demonstrated the use of a bataka (sp?) which is a large, padded baseball bat looking thing. She said, in effect, give them appropriate limits for expressing their anger----and be their coach in helping them know how to express it in a safe way that everyone is comfortable with. I read that you're not comfortable with hitting---does this fall into that realm for you? If so, in her sessions, she would also use large bubble wrap for the children to stomp on....Oh, I can see you're getting angry----would you like to stomp bubble wrap or bang the pillow with the bataka? Obviously, the bataka isn't a toy, and you'd only use it to express anger safely. We all got a chance to try it, and it felt so wonderful to release like that. Wow. She kept saying how the anger builds up and really, really needs a healthy physical outlet.

I wish you much strength on your journey!!! I hope I've been able to contribute something to your situation. I know firsthand how tough the hitting thing is!!! Something that we try to do around here is tell our dc what they *can* do as opposed to what they can't. We've had pretty good results (most days!).

All the best,

Amy :kid:

[irishgreengables]

Thanks for responding. You are right that I would not be comfortable witht eh bataka, but I love the bubble wrap idea. As I was reading your ideas, I was also thinking about how much my children jump. Maybe I could make a pillow ust for "jumping out anger" or somethig like that.

Thanks a bunch!

Peace,
Paula

[Marsupialmom]

I would find an outlet. The bubble rap is a good idea.

Stomping on a bed mattress on the floor.

Pounding nails in wood. Get a 2 X 4 and have a bunch of nails started.

Do you have a chalkboard for them to scribble angrily on? (We made one with chalkboard paint on the wall).

Anger is not bad it is how you handle it.

Hitting a pillow or punching bag does not necessarily lead to hitting people. Think about what martial arts teaches. They teach how to hit to protect yourself. Most schools find using the skills to bully and inappropriate use completely unacceptable.

You can use something to hit on when other things don't work. "You are angry and want to hit, fine hit this ------ but you are not allowed to hit other living things."

Pounding play dough. (With fist or a rubber mallet).

You are angry go run around the yard until you are un-angry. At first you might have to run with them, something they will think is completely silly :) Some times you can start chasing them and change the mood (only you can read the situational appropriate action).

I have told my kids to go swing, slide, or do the monkey bars until they are un-angry.

Getting a bat and hanging a ball from the ceiling so the kids can hit it when they are angry.

A small trampeling (SP)? To jump on.

I personally think you are more struggling with allowing them to have an emotion and teaching them how to appropriately handle it.

[gus'smama]

I think you have gotten good advice, I just want to add one thought on how to look at their behavior in general. When we are parenting infants, we don't expect them to understand/cope with emotions. We mirror their emotions, empathize, label, and most of all adjust our own actions and behaviors to help the situation. That is how kids learn to self-regulate -- by adults doing it for them as they are infants/toddlers. I dont' know anything about the orphanges in Haiti, but in general, kids raised in orphanages didnt' get this type of learning experience, and need extra time to catch up once they join their families. I think you might find it helpful to read some of the work of Dan Hughes. He writes specifically about attachment disorder, and some of the extreme cases, so don't be scared away by that, but his ideas about how to parent and respond to difficult situations are good (for kids w/ abuse/neglect/orphange histories, and in many cases, any kid)

HTH