Dream job offer while TTC - advice needed!!!

[Shell]

Hi everyone. I am truly hoping for some guidance with my situation. Here's my story...

I currently have a job that enables me to work out of my house. It is a good situation, but not ideal. I don't love my boss or trust in her abilities to keep our company afloat. Yet I have a tremendous amount of flexibility and the pay is good.

Meanwhile, I started talking to another company about 10 months ago. They were in the process of putting together a position that they thought I would be well-suited for. Had they offered me the job 6 months ago, it would have been a no-brainer. This is a company I could see myself with for the next 20 years. I have always wanted to work for them!

They just called today and said they want to hire me, and will make me a firm offer on Thursday. The problem is, dh and I have just begun TTC - last week! In fact, we were going to start trying about 3 months ago, but delayed because we thought I might be getting this job offer. We finally agreed that it was time to begin -- we really want a baby, and I am 35 and this is my first. It is time! I'm in the 2ww to see if I am pregnant, so I won't even know if I am pregnant or not when I need to make the decision.

It gets more complicated...

This is a sales position, that will absolutely require a lot of travel (although I can still work from my home office). My dh is set up to take on a lot of responsibilities with a baby, even traveling with me to some degree, and we do plan to breastfeed exclusively for six month and then continue for 2 years at least (or until baby weans itself). We're very AP oriented.

Now, I know it is illegal for them to not hire me if I disclose that I am or may be pregnant. But I don't want to start off on the wrong foot. I would never want them to think that I misled them. I know that they have a very mother and child friendly comnpany, but their sales force is a little less flexible (and mostly men). I'm not fully convinced that this is the type of job that a new mama should be taking -- it will be very demanding. Yet I don't want to let this opportunity pass me by... That's not to mention that I don't even know if it will be easy for me to get preggers.

So... What do you think? After they make me the offer, should I disclose that I may be pregnant? Is it even realistic for me to take this job when I know it will require a LOT of travel (2-3 trips a month, easily)? Do I want to give up this opportunity? I have an extremely specific background and there are not many jobs in my field. My current job is good, but it is not necessarily the career path I want.

I am so confused! I'd love to hear from some actual working mamas, particularly those with jobs that involve traveling, and anyone who may have had to interview while pregnant.

Thanks!

[Liz]

"I'd love to hear from some actual working mamas, particularly those with jobs that involve traveling, and anyone who may have had to interview while pregnant."

Well, that's not me but I'm going to offer some advice anyways! :D (how do you like me so far?)

I have worked in a high stress job with a young baby and it was not healthy for me or my family. I think you should tell them you are trying to concieve now and discuss the job responsibilities with that on the table. I strongly believe that honesty is the best policy and if this is a company that you really want to work for then keep things honest. Maybe this isn't the position for you but maybe with this knowledge they can see you fitting in somewhere else in the company. A position that requires a lot of travel is not ideal with a baby in the house. I'm sure it's been done but I can't believe anybody would say it was ideal. Your current job doesn't sound that bad (WAH is ideal) and quite frankly your focus is not going to be on work for the next while. I think your career building can take a back seat and hopefully something else will come up with the dream company.

My SIL accepted a new job when she was 3 months pregnant and she told them before they hired her. They didn't care because they wanted her that badly even with a government mandated 6 month maternity leave. Maybe this company will find a way to fit you in if not now then later. I am sure your honesty will be appreciated.

JMO,

Liz (starting a new job next week!)

[sadean]

Tell them you are pregnant/trying to concieve!!!! That's just crazy talk :LOL In all seriousness, 1) it is not their business and you will simply give them an excuse to recind their offer/not make you an offer and it is very hard to prove discrimination, 2) at this point, for all intent and purposes, you are not pregnant...nor do you know that you will be any time soon. In two weeks, you might have a different answer, but for now it is speculative... 3) If this is a sound offer, with a sound company (as opposed to what you have now with a shaky company), and it is a job you want ("dream job") I think you should take it and run with it.

I'll write more later...I am being called away...

[Shell]

I don't want to disclose too much, just let it suffice to say that it is with a major and nationally distributed organic foods company.

I have a very positive relationship with them, and I would never try to sue for discrimination. While I feel that society needs to accomodate and fully honor mothers in all aspects of life, I also understand the demands of this position and the expectations of the people doing the hiring. I do believe I can do a good job for them, baby and all. But then again... things may change after baby is born. I can make no guarantees.

On the other hand, if g-d forbid I were to miscarry three months down the road, I would have felt pretty stupid to pass up a great opportunity in all of the months that it would take to try again.

For all I know (and hope) I could tell them I am TTC, and give them an "out" if they want one, and they might say "we don't care -- we want you." But I don't know. And isn't it weird to tell an employer that you are TTC? That's not the same as telling them you are pregnant. I would just hate for them to count backwards and figure out that I got pregnant the same week they made me an offer!

[SmilesALot]

Hi

I have interviewed while I was pregnant (i lost my job after 3 weeks of finding out that i was pregnant) and did not disclose it to the interviewers at that time since there was no job offer. A company made me an offer after 5 months from the interview date and then I told them that i would be going on maternity leave in 6 weeks if they hired me. Finally they postponed the offer after mutual agreement and i took up the job after my baby was 3 months old.

So my first thought would be that since you do not know that you are pregnant right now, there is nothing to discuss about. Let the company go ahead and make you a written offer. If it is a dream job as you mentioned in your post, i think you should give it due consideration. While we were TTC # 1, i was against taking up a job in a small company (a startup) becoz it would require long hours and be stressful. But lo and behold, the team i was working for in a big company got spun off from the big company and I had no choice but to work for this small company. I got pregnant after about a year and stayed with them for the next 2 years even working part time for 1 year. Ofcourse, my job did not require me to travel.

Since you say that this is a family friendly company, you may be able to work out something to suit your needs even if you happen to have a baby 10 months from now. I don't think companies need to know when you are TTC. :-)).

A Sales job may be a hectic one but it is definitely workable with a supportive husband and boss if you truly enjoy your office job! You could try to limit your travel just for the initial months when your baby is exclusively breastfed.

Good luck to you!

Love & Peace!

[mimie]

I really don't think it is their business... what if it takes you awhile to get pg? It seems like it would be best for you to be in a stable, great job that you love. I really think that it would be inappropriate to mention that you are TTC. However, you could start a serious dialogue with them about their family-friendliness. Ask them if any of the people in the position you would be taking have young children, and how it is accomodated. If the company is really as family-oriented as they say they are, they should be happy and proud to talk to you about how employees with kids get along.

[AnnMarie]

I'd take the job. You don't know if you are pregnant or not so I wouldn't even say anything to them. This is your dream job, and if it were me I wouldn't let it pass me by!

[Lucky Charm]

I wouldnt tell them you are TTC. Like the others said, its none of their business. Being pregnant is one thing, trying to get pregnant is another matter entirely.

I am a working mom, but not in sales. Being pregnant and being a mother is not a terminal condition. You will never know if you can handle it until you actually do it. If you had said your husband was a jerk, unwilling to help, not take on additional responsibilty, then i would advise you to not take the job, regardless of whether you were pregnant or not. This however is not the case. Your husband is willing and able to help out and pick up any extra slack.

I'd say go for it.

[Shell]

I guess what is part of my inner conflict is that this is a dream job... but for my former self. I long for the passion I had when I got out of college (both to have a career, and promote sustainable/organic agriculture), but that passion is quickly being replaced with the passion to be a mommy. Unfortunately, my situation seems to dictate that I will need to work. And I am most qualified to do the type of work that requires traveling. It's just that right now I have a situation that does not require traveling.

There seems to be consensus that if I am not certain that I am pregnant, I should not tell them I am trying. But if I do know that I am preggo, I should be upfront with them. They are going to make me an offer on Thursday, and I am going to ask for the weekend to decide. I will do a POAS test this weekend to see if I am pregnant... and that may weigh in to all of this. But it will probably be too early to tell.

Does anybody think that if I am not pregnant, and take the job, that dh and I should put off TCC for a couple of months, to give my new employer a little more upfront time before I take maternity leave? I'm 35... so I can't wait too long. We had to wait until now due to some other factors in our life that are now resolved, and we are really anxious to start a family! I feel like I have a greater sense of obligation to my future employer than other people might have. Am I crazy?

And by the way, dh really is amazing. He signed me up for my first subscription to Mothering over 2 years ago, and wants to go to LLL with me! He already has two boys from a previous marriage, so I know he is a great daddy. When we're in marathon diaper changing, he may sing a slightly different tune, but I really think he will shoulder a lot of the responsibility in the early months/years. Truthfully, I wish I could stay at home and be a full time AP mommy. But my earning potential is stronger than his right now. He has his own company and also works from home. It is easier for him to go down to part time. Ho hum. Life is confusing.

[AnnMarie]

This is what I'd do.... If you are not pregnant I would take the job and I wouldn't actively TTC for a few months, but I wouldn't try to prevent it either. Whatever is meant to be will be. :D

Good luck with whatever you choose!

[Shell]

Thanks so much everybody for your words of wisdom and encouragement!

There is one other factor... I haven't heard their offer yet. I have reason to believe it will be equal to or better than what I earn now. Dream job or not, it will have to be enough money/benefits to compensate for the extra travel time and the related "quality of life" issues. Simply put, if they make me an offer I can't refuse, it won't be such a hard decision. If their offer is about equal to what I make now, then the decision will be much tougher.

I will definately keep everyone posted as to what finally happens!

[shelbean91]

If it's a can't refuse offer- take it, don't mention ttc, don't put off ttc either. If you do get pg, you can address the issue when it happens.

I enrolled in college for Fall semester 2003 to finish school with an elementary education degree-planning to be done in May 2006. I thought we were done with the 2 kids we have, so it was the perfect time. I'm at home, my youngest will be 4 when I'm done and getting ready to go back to school, they're old enough I can get enough study time, etc., etc. Well, wouldn't you know, baby #3 decided to make an appearance. Not exactly planned, but very welcome. I'm still planning on finishing without taking any time off (baby due between semesters) but if I have to postpone an extra semester, no biggie.

You never know what is going to happen. Don't try to plan life around work, try to do it the other way around. I think you owe a certain amt to an employer, but not everything. Maybe you'll handle traveling with a baby with no problem, maybe you'll decide you can't or don't want to do it. You can always change your mind later, but you can't go back and change the past.

I think I'm starting to ramble- sorry- I hope some of this makes sense.

Good luck with your decision.

[sadean]

Does anybody think that if I am not pregnant, and take the job, that dh and I should put off TCC for a couple of months, to give my new employer a little more upfront time before I take maternity leave?

Actually I think it depends on the offer. For example, if you have full insurance coverage from the day you start, than no, why wait if you don't want too? If you have to wait 30-60 days, than I would plan around that. The same with maternity/short-term disability/Family Leave Act benifits. If there is a waiting period, than I would plan around that, if there isn't than I would go ahead and ttc as actively or passively as you see fit.

I have reason to believe it will be equal to or better than what I earn now. Dream job or not, it will have to be enough money/benefits to compensate for the extra travel time and the related "quality of life" issues. Simply put, if they make me an offer I can't refuse, it won't be such a hard decision. If their offer is about equal to what I make now, then the decision will be much tougher.

That certainly would be my first consideration (the offer). It sounds like this job fits your passion/field of study and interests...that can be the easy part :LOL. It the less romantic "will this further my finanical stability more than the one I have" that can be harder, because there are so many factors to consider (the travelling, the salary, the benifits, the stress, etc.) and weigh. Only you know if it is worth the sacrifice you may end up making, whichever way you decide to go.

Get them to make the offer first, before you start worrying about whether you want to accept it. Look at what they offer you and what you will gain professionally and weigh it against what your personal goals are. The two don't HAVE to be mutually exclusive, but it may require sacrifices on both sides to get a balance. And I will say that it is worth the longer vision of "what if i do get pregnant and have the baby and don't want to continue this job...what will happen?" and weigh that against the security and flexibility of your current job to see which offers the better scenario.

[Piglet68]

Wow, what a conundrum! Here's my 2 cents':

Don't tell them you are TTC. Keep humming along, wait for their offer, tell them you want a few days to consider it. By then you should know if you are PG or not.

If you are pregnant, I would personally probably not take the job. I cannot tell you how much you will want to be with your baby those first few months. Travel will be very very difficult and it truly is not the ideal situation for a newborn. And you know what? This is absolutely NOT the last "dream job" offer you are ever going to get in your entire life. I know it's hard sometimes to think that way, but you have to believe it's true. We all give up things to have babies, put them on hold so to speak, but we all know that we CAN get back into things later when the kiddies are older. If you pass up on this job, not only will you be able to focus on just being a mommy for a while (and from the sounds of you, you're gonna be like me and fall so madly in love you won't be able to ever fathom going back to work!! - which I finally did after 15 months, btw, and am loving it - ).

Now, if you are NOT pregnant, then I say go for it. Accept the job but keep trying to TTC. It may take a while, it may not. If and when you get PG you will of course let the company know. You might even tell them "look, this changes everything and I'm not gonna want to travel for the first few months". Heck, even six months would be good and that's nothing for a company that big. If they value you as an employee, I'm sure they will find some way to work around it, come to an agreement that will be mutually acceptable. If they don't, you can always leave! You'll have nine months to train a replacement. And you will NOT have to feel bad about it because THIS IS LIFE; PEOPLE HAVE BABIES and you should never put some company ahead of your family. Worse case scenario, you get PG right away and decide not to come back after the baby b/c they can't stand behind your wishes to provide for your baby the way you want to. It won't be the end of the world, and it won't be the last job offer to come along.

Good luck, and PLEASE tell us how it goes this week!!

[Shell]

All this reassurance is really great. Just what I needed. It is good to remember sometimes that life happens without a script. I have been more and more putting family issues ahead of career, and dh and I want to keep life in perspective. It's like the old saying goes: no one ever said from their deathbed, "I wish I worked more." I think that's exactly why this IS such a big issue for me. 5 or 10 years ago, I would not have thought twice about this. But now it is a really difficult decision!

I need to remember that I can have at least 20 more years in my current career, or a brand new one if I choose after the kids begin school. There is so much to life's adventures that still await me. But on the otherhand, we're not independently wealthy, so it makes sense to take a good job when I can. Oy.

Well, at this point I need to stop thinking about the conundrum and just wait until they make me the offer. You gals have helped me come to the following conclusions:

If they make me a good offer and...

I am pregnant -- I will tell them... most likely.

I am not pregnant -- I will just take the job and keep trying, but a little less "regimented."

I don't know -- I will just take the job.


Thank you all SO much, again, for sharing your thoughts and insights. I really, truly appreciate it. I really love Mothering magazine and this discussion board.

[Liz]

Of course, it's none of their business if you are trying conceive but if you are trying to figure out if you can do this job with a newborn, I think they would be the best people to give you some advice - better than strangers on a bulletin board. To me that is the big question here: will this be your dream job once you have a baby? You said yourself: "this is a dream job... but for my former self."

As I mentioned I am starting a new job next week. One of the reasons I am taking the job is because then I will be eligible for maternity leave. I WAH now so am not eligible. They did ask me if I was planning to have more kids in my interview (totally illegal) and I just said, "I don't know." Which is the truth. This is not my dream job. It is a damn good job, more money than I've aver made before, close to home, will look great on a resume, dental/health benefits, etc. but just not my kind of company (totally shallow) but I look at it as a step towards something else. I work from home now but am not making enough money so this will allow us to refill the coffers and hopefully after 2 years I can quit and maybe have a baby and/or resume my WAH job more profitably. I do like to visualise how things might work out and in your case I just can't see it working out with this job unless you do not get pregnant. I could be wrong but that is my gut feeling and my gut also feels you are feeling the same way.

Just another 2 cents!

Liz

[boomingranny]

I vote for note telling them. Who knows when you will get pregnant? It could take 2 weeks or 2 years. You can't predict the future so take it as it comes - opportunities like these don't always present themselves!

[Shell]

Well, ladies, they made me an offer...

Finally had the call with them on Thursday afternoon, and I was "underwhelmed." It was not a terrible offer. If they made me that same offer 6 months ago, I probably would have taken it. But, it is a bit less than I earn now, and with much greater demands on my time. And, they expect a 50 hour minimum work week (!), and a lot of travel (my guess is at least three 3-day business trips a month). No matter how much I love this company (and I do!), I just don't think I can give up my current job which has tremendous flexibility, very little travel, and pays me well.

I haven't fully made up my mind yet. This weekend I am going to make a spreadsheet and really calculate the full package (bonus, insurance, car allowance, cell phone, etc) compared to my current job, and try to come up with a number that if they offered me X more, I might take the job. It couldn't hurt. My instinct says that they will not be able to pay me what I want, and that I will turn down the job and this chapter of drama in my life will be over. Even if they do meet my offer, I still think I am leaning towards staying with my current situation. They would have to exceed what I am earning now, not meet it, for me to make the switch.

I guess I should add that on Wednesday, I was nauseous all day (keep you fingers crossed!!!) and I couldn't imagine having to be on the road making sales calls while feeling that way. If that's the case, how would I do after baby is born on 4 hours of sleep and the ache of wanting to be with my newborn?

My mind has been in a tizzy, trying to figure out who I am anymore, and what my goals are. But I think that things happened for a reason. I feel at peace with where I am at in my current job, knowing that it is a means to an end -- having a baby and being at home.

Meanwhile... in the TTC category, I have just no idea where things are at! My cycle could have been 30 days or 40+ days, all my internal signs are screwy! I was hoping that I would continue to be nauseous (how funny!) so at least I would have "a sign." But even that stopped. Oh well. We'll see.

I want to thank everyone again for helping me through this dilemma. Even though I looks as though I won't be taking the job (because the offer was too low), I really appreciated all the positive encouragement. Reading the posts made me feel like I was in control of my destiny, and reminded me that "people have babies" and that I can't plan out every aspect of my future. What will happen will happen. And there will be plenty more opportunities down the road.

If there are any other updates, I will post them. But in the meantime, I am just waiting for my baby to decide when it is time to start growing. Hopefully soon.

[Piglet68]

Thanks for the update, Shell!

You know, I often find that when I'm really torn about a decision....life just has a way of making it all work out somehow.

This may just be the answer you need: if the job is not your "dream job" then leave it behind. JMHO!

:hug

[Shell]

Thanks, Piglet, for your sound and balanced advice!

-Shell

[nancy926]

Great thread! Just a thought to consider when you're doing your spreadsheet...some employers don't offer maternity leave, but instead put you on short-term disability. at some companies you have to work there for at least 1 year to get more $ when you're on disability. also, FMLA (family medical leave act, under which you can take unpaid leave) I believe doesn't kick in unless you've worked there at least a year. I could be way wrong (it's been 18 mos since I did the research...and now i have mommy brain) but it's worth checking out.

as a fellow 35-year-old, i would not put off ttc-ing. I don't mean to be a bummer but I have more than one older friend who put it off and then tried and tried and it either took a long time to get pg and caused stress or they had to start ivf or other methods. this is part of our dilemma about whether we want to try for #2 or not!

HTH and best of luck!
Nancy

[Hannah's Mom]

ITA with Piglet68!

BTW, what did you decide, Shell?

Thought I'd share my situation with you. I'm an attorney and always had an idea of where I wanted to be in my career as far as recognition, compensation level and "success" in my field. Now that I'm a mama, I have to say that my definition of "success" has changed. I think I'm fairly good at what I do, I'm making a difference in people's lives by doing poverty law. AND I have a VERY flexible (for an attorney) workplace and a lot of paid leave and good benefits. I don't make as much money as I could if I was in private practice, but the trade-offs of more time at home and relatively less stress are so worth it.

[Shell]

So here is what happened... in the end, rather than try to negotiate for what I knew they couldn't give me, I respectfully declined their offer. Naturally, then, they wanted to know how much I would need, and when I told them they agreed that they would not be able to match that price. The funny thing is, they told me that they pay the salary I wanted to sales people in a different division, but that since the job I was applying for was in a new (and not yet profitable) division -- they couldn't match that salary.

How dumb! How are they ever going to get that division to be profitable if they won't pay the GOING WAGE for sales people! This is a BIG company ($140 million+ annual sales).

They were both surprised and disappointed that I didn't join them. They left the door partially open, stating that maybe they would find that the wage was just unrealistic, and 3 months later want to come back and hire me.

Whatever.

I've decided that I am content in my current position, and I have some exciting professional challenges ahead that I am looking forward to. Six months ago I was hating my job, but the situation has changed, thankfully. Most of all, I have tremendous flexibility, no one looking over my shoulder, I can work at home and come and go as I please. I think I may even be happy. Who'da thought!

I really did want that job -- but I want to be in control of my life more than I wanted the job. Priorities change. I guess.

Meanwhile... aunt flo paid a visit today. My period was 40 days. Sheesh. No wonder why I missed the big O. I'm a bit bummin, but I'm trying not to let it get me down. I just cannot wait to be pregnant. In time... or not. We'll see I suppose.

That's my story. And I'm stickin' to it.

[Piglet68]

Shell, I honestly think this is a "happy ending". It has helped you to reaffirm what is important to you, and it was a good exercise in decision making! :)

You do sound happy with your current situation. Now get going and make a baby!! :love

[delighted.mama]

Shell,
Good luck with everything. For what it's worth, I wouldn't bother telling them. It's not their business and you're not pregnant yet. Hence, it is a totally moot point. If, down the line, you get pregnant, you can cross that bridge at the time. That is, you might get pregnant right away, but then again, it might be a few months. If the latter is the case, you can still beef up your resume and do the kind of work you've been dreaming of.

On another note, as a formerly full-time now part-time employed mom, I can tell you that likely your priorities will change. Your "dream job" might still be your dream job, but your priority in your overall life might not be the job. KWIM? As much as I loved what I went to school to do, and as wonderful and prestigious it was, it paled in comparison when I became a mother. I didn't even appreciate how much it would pale in comparison while I was pregnant. I guess what I am trying to say is that when the time comes to think about your job and your career after your baby is here, you may not feel the same way about your overall goals. In the meantime, why potentially ruin an awesome opportunity by talking about "possibilities" and "maybes"? When you get pregnant, then talk about what to do. Until then, enjoy furthing your career! Just my 2 cents!

Libby