throwing another's baby shower after my loss?

[greenbeing]

I hope you don't mind if I think out loud/ ramble a bit. Two of my co-workers, who work on my team, and I were all due around the same time. Unfortunately, I lost my baby in October. Initially, another co-worker was going to throw us all a baby shower. She still intends to, but I'm wondering if I SHOULD help her since I work the closest with the other two. Part of me thinks maybe it will be good for me and I am happy for them. But, part of me thinks it will be sad preparing for something that I should have been a part of . Maybe that's selfish. What do you think?
I know just visiting family was difficult this holiday season---found out a cousin and niece are pregnant. I was sad. Dh tells me I need to get over it, which I do need to move on, but it did get me down a bit. :(

Thanks for "listening."

[SamuraiEarthMama]

NOBODY will think you are selfish for not helping out!

and dh needs to give you enough breathing room to grieve in your own private way. my first m/c took me over six months to "get over," while the second was less... but if anyone had told me i needed to get over it, i would have clocked 'em!

this is no time to be noble or generous. if you really feel in your heart you want to give these ladies your time and energy, then go ahead. but don't work on something that's only going to make you sad or hurt.

heck, i think it would be amazing if you even showed up to the shower at all! i had to bow out of all baby-related parties and such, and i never got one ounce of problem from anyone. in fact, i got very sweet phone calls from friends who missed me and just wanted to see how i was doing, knowing that these events are soooo hard on us who have lost babies.

time has lessened the rawness. i can now talk to those friends who had the audacity to have healthy babies when mine had died. i can hold and cuddle those babies without tearing up about mine (well, most of the time). it WILL get better, honest.

so don't let anyone (especially yourself!) put unrealistic expectations on your healing. cut yourself some slack, and anyone who gives you a hard time about it does not qualify as a friend!

take care of yourself,

k

[Jacque Savageau]

greenbeing, of corse you can ramble here - that's what this forum is all about :hug I agree with katje. You need to do what feels right for you, not what you 'think' is right.

As for 'getting over it'. I don't think we 'get over' grief. You won't just wake up one day and not be sad anymore. But as time passes the pain will lesson until you find a place for it. Losing a child changes you forever.

It's been 10 years since my stillbirth and 6 years since my last miscarriage. No, I don't feel sad every day. No, I don't get the 'twinge' every time someone around me is pregnant. But, I still do get thoes feelings from time to time and I think that's ok too.

Of course you're happy for your co-workers and you wouldn't wish anything bad on them. But it's only natural that you feel sad. When the babies arrive it's going to be a very Difficult time for you as well.

Please take care of yourself.

[iris0110]

I can't imagine that the other women would expect you to help in this. I am sure they can appreciate how hard it would be for you to even attend this baby shower, let alone help in planning it. I am in a similar situation right now, my sister in law and I were both expecting our daughters on the same day in April, however I lost my little girl on the 21st of December. I told my sister in law I didn't think that I would be able to attend her baby shower, or probably be at the hospital after the baby came. She completely understood and told me that we could handle things however I was most comfortable. She was more understanding than most because she had a miscariage last year and it was very hard for her to cope with the birth of my other sister in laws baby. She even offered to stay away if I felt that seeing her pregnant would be too hard. We have seen her since, but it was a little hard knowing that she was in the same week of her pregnancy that I would be if I hadn't lost my daughter. What I am trying to say is this is a time you need to take care of yourself and not do anything to add unneeded stress. As for your Dh I am sorry he said that. You deserve as long as you need to greive. I am still very early in my greif and so I don't really have any good advice to give except that which has been given to me recently. But I will definately be thinking of you as you try to make this decision.

[greenbeing]

Thank you all for responding.

Shannon, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I'm sending loving thoughts your way!

I don't think I will help with the shower. I just don't think I could do it. I was just starting to question myself because others (who knew I m/c) were asking me if I was throwing them a shower. Then I got thinking, my gosh are people expecting me to do this? I've talked to my preg co-workers about it and they are totally understanding, and would be surprised if I did attend. We'll see when the time comes.

As for DH, he knows what he said was wrong and we've had some chats about it since then. He's working on being more supportive during this time. :)

[SamuraiEarthMama]

hey, there, greenbeing!

thanks for coming back and telling us how you're doing. i'm especially glad to hear you're giving yourself some space to heal, and not committing yourself to anything unrealistic.

and hooray for dh! if he'd kept that up, we would have had to go over there and have a little chat with him, right, girls?

warm wishes to you,

k