positive advice sought...at my wits end

[anothermama]

My wonderful 4 year old dd has developed a HIGHLY annoying habit...

Months ago, she'd ask for something repeatedly until I would have to say "No, you may not have XYZ, and do not ask again.".

So now, witty thing that she is :rolleyes: she's turned it into this:

"Mama....I *KNOW* you aren't going to let me have any cookies right now......". And kind of lets it trail off.

If I say "Right...I'm not". She just does it again in 15 minutes. If I say nothing she waits a minute and then say "MAMA! I was TALKING to you!!!".

I DO NOT like this passive way she finagles to ask a question and I'm completely at a loss as to how to handle it in a positive way and get it to stop. To be totally honest, it annoys the living crap out of me. I have passivity...it just irks me. And having my 4 year old be like this is driving me nuts.

How would you respond to this situation? What would you try to get it to stop? The only ways I can think of to describe it just seem to complicated for a 4 year old, yk?

TIA

[Momma Aimee]

Maybe.......don't turn it into a question for her?

If she says "I know you won't me have any cookies..." Don't say "you're right I won't" say something like "I don't know you haven't asked" and make her ask a question??

Not a cure for the annoying habit of doing it all the time, but maybe it will kill the "passive" thing.

Aimee

[Marsupialmom]

I like what amiee said.

[anothermama]

alrighty....I'll try that...we'll see what happens....

*fingers crossed!*

[ohiomama]

I don't have a better suggestion than Aimee's but... I think that if you say "I don't know you haven't asked" you will be getting her hopes up that if she does ask the question the answer will be yes. At least that is what I would think if I were her. That is annoying though, sort of like when someone will say "gee I'm really hungry, I wish I could have a cookie" instead of just freakin' asking for one.

[EnviroBecca]

How about responding with a confirmation of the reason you've refused her request, and then changing the subject? For example:

"Mama....I *KNOW* you aren't going to let me have any cookies right now......"
"I'm glad you understand that we don't eat cookies right before dinner. Do you think we should have carrots or broccoli with our dinner?"

I'm not sure this will work, but it seems worth a try. Good luck!

[Momma Aimee]

I like that idea too.

Let us know.

Aimee

[jeca]

I remeber DS doing this, he still does from time to time. I think it's more of a thing they outgrow as he kind of just stopped after a while, except when he REALLY want something. " I know you'll just say no mommy so I won't even ask" I'd just say thank you for not asking then. He would change his aproach to " mommy I would like to have a cookie" to get me to change my answer to something more conclusive I guess, teh mind of a child.

[Piglet68]

Well, here's a different perspective.

Maybe it is because you said "And don't ask again!".

To me, that sounds kind of like an order. Definitely not her idea.

So maybe this behaviour is her way of expressing herself without "breaking the rule".

I know it can be really annoying when a child asks you the same question over and over again, but I wonder if maybe you had just calmly answered "no" each time, without showing any reaction, if she would have eventually given up on that "game". Instead, she could probably tell that it drove you batty, and any reaction is usually a good reaction from a kid's POV, lol.

'Course, this kind of hindsight doesn't help with your current situation. I suppose I would try to engage her in a conversation and take it to it's logical conclusion. I think the asking a million times is not so much because she want the cookie (or whatever) but because for some reason, she enjoys the interaction with you. What she's doing now is just another way of getting that interaction.

[anothermama]

piglet...

well, I think you are partially right....I think that she is asking in this passive voice in order to not piss me off and break the rule.:rolleyes:

That said....I also dont think it's a way to interact. She does that in other ways. Along side this, the struggle I've had as of late is that I really think she's bordering on spoiled. Between her being an only child for most of her life and having be be single, she got a lot. Now, I'm married and we're expecting another....and she's been a lot sassier in trying to FORCE her way. It's the ol' curse....she's just like me 10 fold already at the age of 4. Yikes.

She just wants what she wants and she wants it NOW and before I never had a lot of reasons to say "no" to things and I think that is hard for her now.

All part of creating a new family...*sigh*

[Momma Aimee]

Have you tired something like "I am glad you understand we don't eat cookies (go out side, watch TV) untill after lunch (Saturday). Now let's not talk about it again until then." or even "Let's not talk about cookies untill after luch or we won't have them then either?".

Rather than saying "don't ask again" you are giving her a time -- after lunch, Saturday -- when the thing or activity will be ok; but you are tell ing her not to pester you about it till then.

or...............you could draw up a Family Consitution; with stuff like snacks and TV privliages and so on. then -- you don't have to be meanie saying no -- it is just the rules and it is all out ther in front befoe the question even comes.

Also look for chances to say YES....she maybe, feeling out her place in the new family. You do not want her to "define it" by Can'ts.

Let us know.

Aimee

[Momma Aimee]

Have you tired something like "I am glad you understand we don't eat cookies (go out side, watch TV) untill after lunch (Saturday). Now let's not talk about it again until then." or even "Let's not talk about cookies untill after luch or we won't have them then either?".

Rather than saying "don't ask again" you are giving her a time -- after lunch, Saturday -- when the thing or activity will be ok; but you are tell ing her not to pester you about it till then.

you could also try turning it around to a positive "you are right we can't have cookies would you like some carrots?"

and I would us "we" not "you" to show thatit is a family rule; not just her (espically in a new family with a new sib she may need reassuce that the rules are the smae for everyone). "we don't watch TV untill after dinner".

or...............you could draw up a Family Consitution; with stuff like snacks and TV privliages and so on. then -- you don't have to be meanie saying no -- it is just the rules and it is all out ther in front befoe the question even comes.

Also look for chances to say YES....she maybe, feeling out her place in the new family. You do not want her to "define it" by Can'ts.

Let us know. I am sure you are doing great.

Aimee