Is it selfish to want only one & make DS an "only" child?

[Kiyomi]

I just can't imagine doing all this work times two! :crap

Seriously, I loved the intense bonding I had w/ DS as a newborn. There seemed to be no one in the world except he and I. If I were to have another, I couldn't have that "laying in" period as before, because I would be so scared of Noah feeling abandoned.

DH wants just one. Says we can only afford one. Is a second that much more expensive?

I am afraid neither kid, if I were to have 2, would get quality attention because I'd have to split myself in two.

However, I also remember the fun my sis and I had as kids. I don't want Noah to grow up feeling lonely because he's the only child.

I spend a good bit of time thinking about this. Any wisdom from you ladies would be much appreciated.

TIA!

PS -- These are not my only reasons pro or con, just the most important.

[~Megan~]

There are a lot of reasons to have another child mostly its feeling ready for another child. It doesn't seem like you are ready for that.

I will say that my mom is an only child and hates it as her parents are older and now the burden to care for them is all on her. She also feels she doesn't have anyone to talk to that understands her completely like a sibling would.

There are also kids that are completely happy as singletons.

Its a very personal decision but I don't think having another baby just so your child isn't an only child is the best reason to have a baby.

[Kiyomi]

Oh no, I didn't mean "have another baby NOW", I meant someday in the future! I KNOW I'm not ready now! ;)

[Elphaba]

check out the Finding Your Tribe forum! there is a thread in there for Moms of Onlies. There are women there with one child, who KNOW they are done, and others who are leaning that way and they are happy to share their thoughtd with you.

FWIW, my dad is one of 5 siblings. Their dad is very ill and has been for some time. My dad is the only one that contributes time and money for his medical treatments and care. He may as well have been an only for all the good his siblings do him.

[Mona]

HoneysuckleMomma -
I completetly understand where you are coming from, and i feel exactly the same way.
I give so much of myself to dd, that if there was another child around, she would not get the same amount of focus, and the next child would not get NEARLY the same amount that dd ever got.
Perhaps if the children were 6-7 years apart i think it might work.
But i am not planning on having any more children.
My friend and i were talking the other day (she was an only), and said that she thought people should only be able to have one child. she said each child deserves all of your focus, and that the minute you introduce another child into the situation, you just can't do that.

Hope I haven't offended anyone, just my personal opinion.

By the way, I also think the world is over populated, so one is enough for multiple reasons.




:love

[faeriedreams]

I have an only child...a five year girl. There have been advantages to having only one child...I have been able to travel to some really neat places with her (like a month long trip to europe) that I never would have been able to do with another child. And I have been able to send her to a wonderful montessori school, but there would have been no way I could afford to send two children. Also she has gotten tons and tons of attention. But there are several negative things too. Now that she is older, she wants a baby brother or sister more than anything. She sees her friends who have siblings, and really wants that for herself. Also, she is very social, and becomes extremely lonely. I play with her so much, but she wants me to play every minute that she is awake and home, which I just cannot do. I have many friends with children, so she does have friends over all the time, and she has one close friend that lives across the hall who comes over nearly every day. Also she is in school with her friends five half-days a week. But all of this does not seem to be enough to meet her social needs. If I had the choice, I would have another baby, but I am single right now, so that really is not an option.

Each child and each family is different, and I would just continue to gage your family's needs and desires. If having one child makes all three of you feel happy and satisfied, then it certainly is not selfish!!!

[insahmniak]

DP and I seem to revisit this topic at least twice a week. DC is 7 months old now and looking at her newborn pics makes me think about how much she has changed, how far we've come, and whether I want to ever be there again. Will I miss it? I don't seem to have any clarity about this yet. Part of me (my indecisiveness?) wants to leave it up to chance, but my DP really can't get his head around that approach. He's a planner. My cycles haven't returned yet (and I never want sex anymore anyway), so there isn't too much chance involved yet.

Becoming parents to a newborn has put a lot of stress on our beautiful relationship. Because our intimacy has really suffered thus far, I'm very much looking forward to this getting better. It's hard to contemplate putting our relationship through it all over again.

I get pressure from family about not raising an only. ("It's not fair to your DC.") I think I'll lurk in that tribe Elphaba mentioned for insight on this point. I also know that protecting my relationship with DP is important to DC, KWIM? Parents In Love is a powerful gift. If this is what we need to do, then so be it....maybe? This feels like a pretty significant decision to me. Hmmm...I like that about me!:bgbounce

[EllieB]

Guess it would come down to whether you want another one. I agree, having another one for the sake of your son is entirely the wrong reason, I am less clear about the reverse situation (not having one for the sake of your son). I have 2, I love having 2, but part of me really wants a 3rd even though I *know* it will take away a bit from my other 2.

I had the same fears as you before I had #2. I was sooooo attached to dd, she was a very fussy baby and I carried her nearly constantly her 1st year of life so we were very close. We still are but in a different way. Those first couple weeks after my ds was born was the absolute worst time of my life. I have never felt so depressed, guilty, pulled in 2 directions in my life. Maybe it was PPD but I think it was just a reaction to having to suddenly divide myself between 2 and losing the exclusive relationship I had w/my dd. I cried every night b/c I just didn't feel like I could be there for her in the same way.

But time passes and things are so much easier now. I would do it all again in a heartbeat. After the first couple months I was able to balance both of their needs pretty well. I am able to spend a lot of one on one time with each of them. My dd and I have a couple hours every day while ds naps to hang out together and dd has "quiet time" in her room every afternoon so I can focus on ds for awhile. He also goes to bed much later than her so I have that time with him as well. Things just work out that way.

I will admit though, that I missed that intense bonding with my 2nd. I wasn't able to let him nap on top of me, take naps with him, or play with him as much as I did with #1. And of course there aren't quite as many pictures of him as there are of her. Little things like that.

There is no "perfect" answer I guess. Your ds may very well feel lonely sometimes as an only but he will have the benefit of having you all to himself. If you have another, he will have another person to love, to grow up with, to share childhood with, but he will get less of you for at least the first few months. To me, it was worth it to have another, I believe that when everything is balanced out, dd will gain more than she lost by having a sibling. But I do sometimes envy those who only have one and are able to focus all their energy and time on one child.

As for the money thing- yes it's more expensive and I imagine it will only get more expensive to have 2 than one but I don't feel like our standard of living has had to change much as a result. My ds is only 1 though and babies don't cost very much!

[anothermama]

Hrm:scratch

Well, I don't think there is anything wrong with having only one, and I don't think it's selfish BUT I also think the reasons you talk about are kinda irrelivant....

Take cost for example....people talk about that ALLLLL the time and I just laugh. My first was unexpected. I was not in a position financially at all. BUT...you make it work. Every family does. I have yet to meet a loving family who has one child who just doesn't get clothes or food, ykwim??? Lets just say you guys got preg next month and decided to go with it....you'd make it work. Things might be a little tough in the begining but you'd make it work. Everyone does. And I think that maybe it's a little easier to work another into the budget when you've done it once or twice. And, personally, the notion that a baby is a "burden" in this way leaves a sour taste in my mouth. Sure, I don't go out to eat as much and I am not the fashion maven I was when I was just me...but I also don't CARE about those things as much....just as your costs change, your priorities change. I think thats why today you see so many mamas changing to a voluntary simplicity plan...because it's easy to do because you love your kids. I'd rather stay home with my dd any night of the week, cook us all a meal, and cuddle on the couch.

And giving your time to another.....I DO NOT wish this to sound condesending.....I think this issue changes over time. I think that now, I can TOTALLY understand you saying that. I may have said it myself when my dd was that small of a baby. I'm preg now with #2 and dd will be 5 when he/she comes and I'm thrilled for us with that spacing..........I got to spend dd's baby years with JUST HER and I wouldn't have traded that for the world, personally. And, now she's so independant and she'll be starting school shortly after the babe comes....and I'm lucky enough to be a SAHM and I'll get all THAT baby time with THIS one too!!! What I'm trying to say is that maybe it's just something for you to revisit in a few years when you've been a mama longer and your baby starts really coming into their own. And who knows...maybe at that time you'll STILL want an only, but know that sometimes, for some women, that feeling changes once your baby isn't a baby anymore.

I am one of two myself, and I never felt like my fathers time was split between me and my brother. I also don't feel like he loves one of us more or less than the other. I think the heart of a parent is made of infinite stuff that can hold just the right ammount of love it needs to. And thats the important part. I know of so many moms who worried about "not loving the new one as much" and they all said that somehow it worked once that new one was there. Sure, maybe they'll have to share a room or whatnot but the love is the important part....the other stuff is just part in parcel with being in a family. :D

All that said....again, I personally don't find anything wrong with people who want to have onlies....I think only kids have just as many "weird hang ups" as kids with siblings. People are people. And, if today or down the road this is the choice you make for your family, then I wouldn't worry. It just shows what a good caring mama you are to be worrying so much about it now, you know?

[AahRee]

My DH and I have pretty much decided that our DD will be an only. I waffle about it occasionally, but when I really think about my reasons for wanting another child, I realize that what I REALLY want is to repeat DD's infancy. I love the newborn and infant stages, but I don't really love the idea of having two children. Does that make sense? Anyway, as we were working on making this decision, I read a few books on the subject. The one I got the most out of was called, *You and Your Only Child: The Joys, Myths, and Challenges of Raising an Only Child* by Patricia A. Nachman, Ph.D. If you're worried about the impact of being an only on your child, I'd read that book. But in a nutshell, you're NOT being selfish, or unfair to your child, but choosing to only have one. There are advantages and disadvantages to every family size. Honestly, I think it's a little selfish to have another baby *just* so that your firstborn has a sibling to play with and be friends with. That's a lot of responsibility for a baby! Of course, if you want another baby, that's a different story entirely. :D Neither choice is a wrong choice, but you can make either choice for the wrong reasons. Listen to your heart and do what you feel. :hug

[insahmniak]

Oooh, AahRee! I love the way you said this!
:D Neither choice is a wrong choice, but you can make either choice for the wrong reasons. Listen to your heart and do what you feel. :hug

Such open acceptance really helps me to make decisions out of love rather than fear.

[flitters]

just to offer another perpective, i am an only child (raised by a single mom since i was 5).

i never once felt like i was lonely or missing out by not having a sibling. i have always had a wonderfully close relationship with my mother.

[Momma Aimee]

I am an only child by birth. by design. dad stayed home and raised me while mom worked. they intended me to be an only; and they have never regretted it.

i have no issues. Yes I will be "alone" afte r my parents are gone. But I won't. God has gifted me with two dear freinds who i have known almost sisnce bither; and we are closer than their biological sisters.

family is what you make it. an Only will still have family (married into or otherwise).

I never disliked being an only. Never had a problem with it. Never asked for a sibing.

A

[somemama]

Give yourself more time to think about it! I was SURE that our dd was going to be our only child, until she turned 4. Then I wanted another one, and now we have two!

[EFmom]

I don't see anything "selfish" at all in the decision to have a single child. If you think that having one is best for you and your dh, that's not selfish at all--it's providing the optimum environment that you can.

I come from a huge family, as does my dh. Between us, we have 17 nieces and nephews, and a few are onlies. Most are grown and the onlies are happy, productive teens or young adults, who have enjoyed wonderful relationships with their parents. I agree that you can provide close relationships and friendships for your child with other kids without them coming from a sibling.

Some of the reasons you mention are perfectly valid, including money and time. We have two, and I know that we would have been able to do a lot more good stuff like travel with an only. I would be less stressed all around. We would also be able to save for a better college education than we will be able to provide for two. Time is also a factor. Two are harder than one and they are more draining. I don't regret my choice for a minute, but instead realize that there's an opportunity cost associated with all of life's major decision.

I also have to agree that having siblings, even a lot of siblings, is no guarantee that a child won't end up being the sole caretaker to parents. (I think this is a particularly bad reason to have kids.) DH had four brothers, yet he will be the one shouldering the burden when his parents get to that stage.

[jannan]

this is an issure so close to my heart! i've been able to give dd so much of myself and she has done so much with me. we are like two peas in a pod. she is being raised with her half brother who i adoped....they are 9 years apart... but to her that is her brother..... I would like more someday but not with dd's dad. as stated earlier, i want to repeat her infancy, it is me.....


however, i have a sister and she is my best friend. so , we'll see.

[Kirsten]

I was one of three - our parents died when we were kids. Dh grew up an only. He had cousins, friends, loving parents, plenty of money for college, a car, etc.

Having siblings for my kids was a definite for me - we discussed it before getting married. I felt very strongly that I would have more than one child. Both dh and I had happy childhoods but he felt just as strongly as I did that our first would not be our last.

There are no guarantees that the kids will be close, that they will share the burden of aging parents, etc. But IMO the advantages so far outweigh any possible detriments that it was an easy decision.

Cost - we have reused almost every "baby" need - clothes, car seats, etc. We have had the good fortune to save a lot on clothes since we've had three girls so are reusing everything. Dd2 and dd3 are wearing much of dd1's outgrown clothes. Of course, food costs and participation costs (preschool, dance class, piano, etc.) go up with each child - as do college accounts.

Someone mentioned that having parents in love is a gift to a child too. It sure is! And I fall more and more in love with my dh every time I look at our kids. When I go to bed at night, the last thing I do before closing the door to our bedroom is look at the hall - three closed doors and behind them our three beautiful girls. We are so very, very lucky.

Spacing can affect quite a bit. I can appreciate that it would be very challenging to have your kids close together - as the first years are a bit higher needs as far as nursing, getting less sleep, etc. Our dd1 and dd2 are four years apart and it is great! Dd2 and dd3 are less than three years apart and I can tell you that that is quite a fair amount harder! A four year old can be reasoned with, can understand, can go happily with dad or auntie.

And it is not always twice the work. After the second baby is a toddler, they play together and it actually can free you up to toss in a load of laundry or start dinner.

It is a personal choice. It has taken me years of growing up to come to a place of respect for choices other than mine. All I know is that of all the wonderful things my parents did for me while they were alive, the best and longest lasting was giving me a sister and a brother. I have always been grateful that they did and that is why I have three children myself.
Kirsten

[insahmniak]

On the other hand....

My partner and I watched my sister's four kids for her last night. They are ages 11, 7, 3 and 1.8. And my 7mo was there, too. My partner and I exchaged many, many private looks that basically said :eek OH MY! How does my sister do this? The noise! The chaos! But most importantly, it seems like no one was able to finish a conversation....EVER! The 11 year old would be telling me a story and then the 1.8 m/o would grab a toy from the 7mo while the 7y/o was showing the 3y/o how to jump off the stairs. Wow. Maybe some folks could get used to this, but I know I couldn't. I came away feeling like having so many kids doesn't seem fair...to the kids! Don't kids deserve uninterrupted time and attention? I'd give that to a friend, why not a child? :confused:

[veganmamma]

I'm an only child. I have always hated it and been really resentful. I'm sorry to say this to you. I had a good time with my parents when I was a kid, but I was always lonely. There weren't always neighborhood kids, and they weren't always my age. All the neighborhood kids had siblings. As did all of my friends. Which meant their needs for social interaction were met pretty well, so they didn't need me as much as I needed them.

When I was 19 my dad died. He was in a coma for a few weeks. I was by myself in his hospital room, by myself signing the DNR, by myself at the funeral home, by myself running his funeral--- NO 19 year old should ever plan a funeral for God's sake! I had to borrow money from my mother who had divorced him 17 years earlier so that I could pay for his cremation and meager services.

No one knew how I felt, no one shared my grief, and now at age 21 my daughter has only the siblings of her father for aunts and uncles-- she has on my side of family almost no one.

I have always wanted a sibling. There is a togetherness is siblinghood that you can't find anywhere else. I have always yearned for it and still do. All the crap my dad told me about how I was perfect, why mess with perfection, how could he love anyone as much as me--- didn't put a sister or brother standing beside me as I scattered his ashes. My FIL was there. There were more ILs at his funeral from my DP's family than relatives of ours and it stung not having someone with me. And then all the work in cleaning up his affairs. I left a lot of stuff for the state to deal with because I simply couldn't!

There are so many things I have wanted that come along with having a sibling that I will never have. You will have to come to peace with whatever decision you make, but this has been my experience.
L

[insahmniak]

I am so grateful for everyone who has shared their perspectives. It's wonderful to hear how other people have come to make their own decisions in life.

veganmama, I wonder if my child will be the one who wishes she had siblings and is haunted by that for her entire life. I also know that my nephew, oldest of four, seems to be just about the loneliest kid I've ever seen. I think he's the kind of person who craves one-on-one time, and he looks utterly lost in the crowd. How could I know what my child would prefer before it's too late? I was a second child at it was a rough position for me. I don't think that's reason enough to not have a second child, though.

Hmmm...
So much to consider.

[Charles Baudelaire]

Just airin' my view...

We're parents of one and want to stay parents of one. For me, there are many -- well, to me -- silly-sounding reasons to have two:

1. "They'll have someone to play with."
This is no guarantee. You might just as well say, "They'll have someone to hate and resent as an intrusion." Maybe so, maybe no, but no child should be brought into the world as a kind of plaything or brought into the world with the built-in obligation of being friends with someone he or she may be very different from.

2. "Everyone's telling us we should."
"Nuff said.

Reasons that sound pretty valid to me:

1. So they won't be alone for the death of a parent -- but I'd like to add that there's no guarantee other sibs will be supportive.

2. The older child genuinely wants one and really knows and understands the ramifications of what s/he's asking (well, as well as can be expected).


Ultimately, we don't think we could possibly give #2 the attention we gave #1 -- an automatic unfairness to #2 as well as to #1, whose current 100% supply of parental attention would be seriously curtailed.

Good luck w/ your decision.

[Kiyomi]

Thank you everyone for sharing your thoughts with me! I love learning from you all!

Veganmamma...I am sorry to hear what you've gone through. It sounds like it was really tough and lonely. I must also say I'm so surprised you're 21...I have always heard a lot ofwisdom in your posts...I just assumed you were a wise old 30-something like me! LOL Not that age equals wisdom but...oh YKWIM, right?

Keep the opinions coming, folks!

[nancy926]

Great thread -- we are talking about this too. DD is 14 mos. DH is an "only" but lived w/a stepsister for many summers (his dad remarried after a divorce). I have 1 sister, 7.5 years younger.

veganmamma - you are right, that was awful that you had to go through all of that alone, and you have every right to be angry that someone didn't step in to help you. But having a sibling would not guarantee that you would have had help, or that your life before that would have been happier and more fun all around.

My mom died when I was 19, and my sister was 12. My parents were married at the time so it's hardly the same, but there is no way a 12-year-old was going to help out with anything, yk? And I felt very guilty going back to college and leaving her with my dad (who worked fulltime and was rarely around when my mom was alive).

I never really jonesed for a sibling when I was small, and after my sister was born we spent the first 10 years of her life fighting. After I went to college things got better; then my mom died....and now my sister and I are closer, but I would not call us friends. And who knows what things would be like if she'd been a boy, or if I'd been an "only". No way to know, and wishing won't make it so.

People are going to find good and bad in whatever situation they're in. You can wish for the "other" but there's no guarantee the "other" would bring you happiness either.

Anyways....I have no idea if we'll have another. Some days I am ready to start ttc in the summer...other days I want to wait until she's at least 3 years old...and other days I can't imagine having more than one. It does seem like people "push" you to have more than one - they say the only will be lonely, or spoiled, or whatever. But people also think it's "odd" when you have more than 3!

[alsoSarah]

I'm in the same boat as you are, HoneysuckleMomma. (How many boats are we sharing now, anyway? :LOL )

I'm really nostagic for ds' infancy, but I can't imagine having another baby without the ability to do the "total immersion" mama thing, especially in the beginning.

I never minded being an only growing up, but now, watching dh with his sibs, I wish that I had one!

I'm not sure that I have the patience (and other emotional reserves) necessary to mother more than one child, so it'd be a real leap of faith (and gesture of optimism about my own nature and abilities) for me, IYKWIM.

That said, there is just a part of me that just feels a very real drive to have one more, even in the face of all of my worries....

I had all of these same fears and ambivalence before I got pregnant with ds, too, though... and now I'm so intensely glad that I was able to ignore them just long enough to conceive him (I'm not sure how long I would've been able to ignore them, though-- we conceived ds in our first non-birth control try)! Life with ds is so rich and wonderful. I wonder about the ways in which life with two would be even better..... and harder.

peace,
alsoSarah

[Clarity]

I owuld never discourage someone that only wanted one child...around here, one child familes are very common. Two of my closest friends have one-child families and the boys are both adolescents now. I think it's easier in some cases to find good friendships for your child because lots of parents are looking for the same thing. And with only one child, by being willing to take a guest around to special fun events, my friends have had no trouble in attracting "pseudo-siblings" interested in going on trips, swimming, etc. The happiest only children I know, as adults, are ones that learned how to live with other and compromise...whether it's camp, sleepovers, relatives, parents alert to being over child-centered, or whatever. People who've spent the whole lives having everything the way they want (and where they left it) it find roommates and marriage awfully difficult later on it seems like. And the little triad of you and your child can be so cosy when they're growing up...so making the effort to step outside it, which happens by necessity with larger families.

On the plus side, as the boys are becoming teenagers, they are still very close and affectionate with their parents well after their peers. So maybe the teen years will be a bit easier!

You also have the responsibility, with the financial savings that comes with a smaller family to prepare for your old age financially. It's hard enough physically and emotionally for one person, finanicially it's probably totally beyond any one person. And these days work often takes children geographically far away from you. And that includes wills, living wills, funeral plans, assisted living, etc. - that would be my biggest concern if we don't have any more. As well as continuing to make new friends and support as I get older...not have only my child as emotional support which is easy too fall into as you get very elderly.

[veganmamma]

You know, it wasn't about the work or the money, it was about the absolute knowledge that no one else was going through what I was going through. If I'd had a 12 year old sibling, even if I had to support them and possibly take them on as my ward, I would have been emotionally comforted in being with them.

And thanks HoneysuckleMomma, that means a lot to me. :)
Lauren

[TranscendentalMom]

Sometimes I actually worry that I am being selfish for wanting to have another baby. My son is 15 months and because my dh is getting older he wants to start trying soon. I totally want another child but I worry that its too soon for ds and I am forcing this because its what I want.

The point....there is guilt no matter what you do!