I don't really have anyone else I can talk to about this, other than Aaron, and I know it is wearing on him a lot.. but I think I am depressed/PPD.... It has been on and off for awhile, but really in the last few weeks I have become more and more depressed. I am sad/lonely feeling all the time. I am exhausted and have no energy. I have no self esteem, and I've put on a bit of weight. I keep having horrible thoughts/playing scenerios in my mind about getting into a car accident, or Liam dying..... I feel guilty and anxious all the time. It is affecting all of us. Liam deserves a happy, loving mom. Aaron deserves a happy, loving wife.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to go on medication, and I keep thinking any day I will snap out of it. Aaron has been great, giving me breaks whenever he can. Taking days off work whenever he can. But the little things just don't seem to help anymore. I need a big change, for a long time I think.

I've tried a few times not rocking Liam to sleep. I can't stand to listen to him cry so I give up on the laying down with him after about 5 minutes of crying. He has been fighting sleep like crazy today. We took two 1 hour drives today.

I just don't know what to do anymore, and I don't know how much more I can take before having some sort of nervous breakdown....



Thank you for listening.

Catie, have you checked out the Postpartum Depression forum? There's a quiz there, and lots of other moms going through the same things you are. :hug You are not alone. :shy

I'm right there with you. My BF is in the middle of final exams in law school, and so are all of our "friends" - they aren't close friends, but they're the only people I know here. So, I have no help. Even if I did have help it doesn't matter since Lincoln refuses any form of food other than the boob. I guess its better than refusing the boob, but still, I get super touched out all.the.time. lately and theres nothing I can do about it since he only wants mommy. He hasn't been napping well, I'm on my period and crampy and super cranky, I'm in a I-hate-being-a-mom mood and wish I could see my family but they're 3,000 miles away. At least I'm going to my best friends wedding in a little more than a month. On top of that my BF and I are fighting constantly - only he's really just ignoring me since he's so stressed over finals, and I'm mad b/c he acts like since *all* I do is take care of Lincoln I should be find and have tons of energy and be able to cook/clean/do dishes/laundry/etc on top of all of it. Ugh. I hate my life so much right now.

I hope you don't mind me hijaking. You're so not alone!

I hope you don't mind me hijaking. You're so not alone!

don't mind at all. nice to know i'm not alone. :hug

:Hug

Try writing down how you feel each day, even if it's a sentence or two. In a week or so, if you definitely see a pattern, consider seeing a professional and talking through some options.

Glad you had the courage to vent on the forum. Another big hug.

no advice here just a big fat hug.

vent away. you are among eager listeners.:Hug

I'm going to go ahead and move this to PPD :hug

I have been following your posts about how Liam is always sleep fighting and having acid reflux. I think your ppd is due to lack of sleep. It might be wise for you to pump some milk and let someone in your family take care of him for a couple of nights...

Feel better mama

I have been following your posts about how Liam is always sleep fighting and having acid reflux. I think your ppd is due to lack of sleep. It might be wise for you to pump some milk and let someone in your family take care of him for a couple of nights...

Feel better mama

the only way i could do that is if I spent the night elsewhere... cuz i know he'd probably scream without me there, and i can't take that. luckily he nurses back to sleep very quickly, and his nights have gotten a little better (2-3 hour chunks), but its mostly the fighting going to sleep that really wears on me.... and yeah. i'm really tired....

Do whatever you can. Even if it means spending the night elsewhere, or sleeping during the day while a caregiver takes care of Liam. It would be better for you to fix the root of the problem (even if it means a little discomfort for your lo). Maybe you could pump and then bring Liam to grandma/grandpas for the day (or two days in a row)... I have a feeling you will feel MUCH better after a few hours of sleep...

You may worry about ds at first, but as soon as you fall asleep you will be knocked out... and believe me, Liam will be fine in the arms of a close family member - a few days isn't going to hurt him...

:hug:hug

I know how frustrating it can be taking care of a baby with reflux... Youre doing a great job!

:hug
Thank you for trusting us at MDC. I know the idea of leaving your baby (even with someone close) might sound impossible. When DD was really little, I would go to a family or friend's house, see that baby was ok with them, and go sleep on their couch for a little while. They really loved being able to play with her, and as soon as she was hungry I got her back, fed her, and then let her play again. I don't know how plausible this is for you, but if it's even remotely doable, please give it a try. I know pumping is hard work, and for me, leaving my daughter just ups the anxiety so I can't rest. I don't know what it's like to have a baby with reflux, but I know hearing him scream must be terribly hard to handle. *hug* I hope you get some rest. Perhaps talking to a therapist every now and then for a bit might help?

thanks everyone for the responses. i must've had a LOT of prayers sent for me, because Tuesday everything just sort of... got BETTER! :joy:

DH surprised me and took me out for dinner (mexican for cinco de mayo!) and we left Liam with his parents. All day Tuesday Liam was great. He didn't fight me for naps, he was happy during the day.. laughing, babbling, playing.... he did perfect for Aaron's parents. Wednesday and today have also been great. I feel myself coming out of that hole. I feel happy. Still tired, but I feel like I can make it. :D

yay!! Liam was still going through a lot of growth spurts and wonder weeks, and while there are more to come, getting a break from those is super helpful!!

Make sure you're eating well, and staying hydrated. I've found, through recommendations, that Fish Oils and EPO really help fight the 'blues'. I am bipolar, and when I remember my meds, the fish oils really make a huge difference.