I have seen lots of people refer to their kid as high needs, but I don't have anything to compare my dd to to know if that would be something that she is?

*exasperated sigh* You'll know it when you see it! LOL! It's an exaggerated level of attention (not just interaction attention, but attention to planning and how things are done, etc.) necessary for a particular child to keep them stable--or at least not in meltdown/constant upset mode.

I really think that's the only way to sum it all up. Maybe someone else has a better way of saying it.

My easiest way to identify it wouldn't apply to an only...

When one child takes more time and energy and attention than your other children combined, and is still managing to cause more havoc than the other children combined, it's a pretty safe bet that said child is high needs.

I think ds2 is probably high needs...or his brother and sister were both really low needs, and I've never seen anything to suggest that's true. He's one exhausting little guy...

So maybe like quirky mixed with actual special needs like diet restrictions or something?

I don't think it always means "special needs". Some kids are so energetic and so intense and so involved and so... so... and even sometimes a personality conflict (they push your buttons all the time) that they are high needs.

It just means they NEED SOMETHING constantly, whether it's a snack or a hug or a toy that's up too high or watching to keep them out of mischief or they're scared of everything or... all of the above! :lol

ETA: Allergies, sensory issues, processing issues, other special needs... these certainly do contribute also. But I don't think they necessarily HAVE to be present to have a high needs kid.

Well from that definition my dd could be high needs. I thought that was just being the mom of a toddler, though, lol!

She does need something all the time, I literally can't be on the phone.

Yeah, i think my kid is pretty normal. But other mama's with 2 or more tell me she is more demanding that theirs put together. So to them she is high needs.

I don't think it always means "special needs". Some kids are so energetic and so intense and so involved and so... so... and even sometimes a personality conflict (they push your buttons all the time) that they are high needs.

It just means they NEED SOMETHING constantly, whether it's a snack or a hug or a toy that's up too high or watching to keep them out of mischief or they're scared of everything or... all of the above! :lol
Yes. Yes. Yes. That's ds2. I can't take my eyes off him and it's almost impossible to get anything done. I resort to movies more than I like to admit...and I clean up an insane number of messes.

ETA: Allergies, sensory issues, processing issues, other special needs... these certainly do contribute also. But I don't think they necessarily HAVE to be present to have a high needs kid.
We're starting to wonder about some sensory issues with ds2, and we're also going to look at food sensitivities, but yeah...the only special need I've identified so far is...need. He needs...something...always...except when he's asleep (right now, for example!).

Yeah, i think my kid is pretty normal. But other mama's with 2 or more tell me she is more demanding that theirs put together. So to them she is high needs.

*sigh*
Someone told me that about dd, compared to her twins...ds2 is way more work.

Don't tell me these things Storm Bride, i'm thinking of ttc!!! ;)

Don't tell me these things Storm Bride, i'm thinking of ttc!!! ;)

Hey - I'm pregnant. You have no idea how terrifying that is these days... :lol

Ok because so far I'm pretty sure that dd doesn't have any special needs like sensory issues or food related isssues, she has even started to eat waaaaaaay better since we started the raw milk which I don't know if that's a coincidence or not.
But like a pp said she is needy. She cannot entertain herself for me to even use the potty. She needs something all the time and I cannot get anything done and when she sleeps for nap time I am so tired I don't even alway bother to do chores, I recover for when she waked up!

She is a delight, funny, cute, precious, sweet, but EXHAUSTING!!!!!

She is a delight, funny, cute, precious, sweet, but EXHAUSTING!!!!!

Sounds familiar. It is getting better with DD because she can do a lot of things herself now and she is thrilled that she doesn't have to wait for me to get whatever it is that she constantly wants. I try to promote this independence, for instance, putting some snacks in a low cupboard within easy reach, a cup in the bathroom by the sink, clothes and coat on low hooks etc. The more she can do herself, the happier she is and the less of "Mommy, I need..."

She FINALLY quit coming in the bathroom to ask me for stuff. Now she stands outside the door and hollers. :lol

Ok because so far I'm pretty sure that dd doesn't have any special needs like sensory issues or food related isssues, she has even started to eat waaaaaaay better since we started the raw milk which I don't know if that's a coincidence or not.
But like a pp said she is needy. She cannot entertain herself for me to even use the potty. She needs something all the time and I cannot get anything done and when she sleeps for nap time I am so tired I don't even alway bother to do chores, I recover for when she waked up!

She is a delight, funny, cute, precious, sweet, but EXHAUSTING!!!!!

If she's still a toddler, she may not be exactly high needs. Toddlers, in general, are pretty demanding...but she sounds a lot like my ds2 in a lot of ways.

Here is an article on the Dr. Sears website about the hallmarks of a high needs baby.

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/5/T050400.asp

It fits my daughter to a tee. Sigh. I really love her, but I'm glad she was 2nd kid, because there have been times I wanted to rip my ovaries out. The funny thing is they are such lovable and smart kids, just so intense it is easy as a parent to get touched out, frustrated, exhausted etc.

Here is an article on the Dr. Sears website about the hallmarks of a high needs baby.

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/5/T050400.asp

It fits my daughter to a tee. Sigh. I really love her, but I'm glad she was 2nd kid, because there have been times I wanted to rip my ovaries out. The funny thing is they are such lovable and smart kids, just so intense it is easy as a parent to get touched out, frustrated, exhausted etc.

That was almost exactly my dd (except the always wanting to be held thing - she mostly seemed to want to be put down and left alone...except we had to be there). However, she's much, much easier to deal with than she was. DS2, otoh, was the easiest baby in the world...and he becomes harder to cope with almost daily.

That was almost exactly my dd (except the always wanting to be held thing - she mostly seemed to want to be put down and left alone...except we had to be there). However, she's much, much easier to deal with than she was. DS2, otoh, was the easiest baby in the world...and he becomes harder to cope with almost daily.

So funny you say that! My first daughter was a dream baby. She is 7 now and suddenly acting like a nasty little teen. Aargh! On top the the baby!

So funny you say that! My first daughter was a dream baby. She is 7 now and suddenly acting like a nasty little teen. Aargh! On top the the baby!

Yeah - exactly! DS2 sometimes seems like a classic 2 year old, and sometimes like a teenager at their absolute worst.

Oh - I think this is going to be a rough summer...at least at first.

Here is an article on the Dr. Sears website about the hallmarks of a high needs baby.

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/5/T050400.asp

It fits my daughter to a tee. Sigh. I really love her, but I'm glad she was 2nd kid, because there have been times I wanted to rip my ovaries out. The funny thing is they are such lovable and smart kids, just so intense it is easy as a parent to get touched out, frustrated, exhausted etc.

Ha! I never thought about my lo as "high needs" until I read this article! :p Seriously, the only one she didn't 100% fit was the "Awakens Frequently" - she has pretty much always slept like a champ (at least at night; the daytime is another story entirely :eyesroll).

But I always just assumed her "behavior" was due to the fact that we AP - meaning that we don't do all the mainstream things that tend to *break her spirit* (for lack of a better term). At least now I know the truth and can dream of "easier" children in the future. :wink

for the first year of dd1's life, i thought she was an "easy" baby because as long as i was giving her what she needed, she was content.

it wasn't until i realized that most kids didn't need to be held 24/7, nursed 20+ times a day, wake up every 45 minutes and need to be nursed back down, etc. that i read The Fussy Baby Book by Dr. Sears.
then i figured out why my house didn't stay as clean, why i coudn't get anything done, when other SAHMs could. :wink

*exasperated sigh* You'll know it when you see it!

I didn't really identify my first son as high needs until I had my second. Before that I was kind of like "Aren't all babies high needs? They're BABIES!".

And then my second son was born, and I still can't get over the difference. I just...I have no words. I mean, my oldest would *scream* because, say, he wanted to look at a particular spot on the wall, and wouldn't stop screaming until I figured out that he wanted to be held at a 30 degree angle with his feet pointed to the southwest and the back of his head resting on my breast looking at three oclock. But once he got what he wanted, he was perfectly fine!

DS3 has been high needs since he was born 8 weeks early. I havent slept all night in almost 3 years this boy is ALWAYS on the go, he's our 4th and I use to do Daycare and most days this one has more energy than a whole room of toddlers

*exasperated sigh* You'll know it when you see it!

Agreed. I am of the opinion that if you have to ask, it doesn't really apply to the child in question. :wink

Toddlers are a demanding bunch, even the "typical" ones. My non-high needs child is still chaos in a 30 pound package. :D

Agreed. I am of the opinion that if you have to ask, it doesn't really apply to the child in question. :wink

Toddlers are a demanding bunch, even the "typical" ones. My non-high needs child is still chaos in a 30 pound package. :D

Not necessarily true. You may realize that you are shattered and never get anything done and have a baby/LO in your arms ALL THE TIME, but not be sure that other children are different (i.e. you feel like you are failing as a mum, because you should be able to cope better - like all the other mums), on top of this everyone around you blames AP (and you are not sure that most children wouldn't be like this if they hadn't been forced to CIO). DD was 9 months by the time I read Sears Fussy Baby book. And I had read Sears AP book, so I did know about the term High Needs. Your baby may fit into the description of High Need in some ways but be the opposite of another (DD hated slings, swaddling you name it and loved to sleep in her push chair in her first 8 months - but still insisted on being held ALL THE TIME!).

And I had worked with children as a nanny for many years, I still didn't realize.

My DD (oldest) isn't high needs and I never thought she was. People told me she was an easy baby to care for and in many ways, I took it for granted.

Then came my DS and suddently I got what "high needs" meant. Absolutely, no question about it, he was high needs. It wasn't a matter of being a demanding toddler (heck, he's only 13 mos), but rather the difference was noticable immediately. Like, within hours of being born I was ready to tear my hair out. The cry. . .it's this super-intense cry I never heard before. Yeah, my DD could get worked up but his cry was 10 times more intense. It shook you to the core and make you want to cover your ears. I've been around a lot of babies and none have ever given me the sheer level of anxiety and panic I got when he cried. Oh, and the amount of crying! He'd cry 20 hrs a day and when he wasn't crying he was nursing. He was, and still is, on the boob hours and hours a day. He wakes up every hour or two and takes an hour to get to go to sleep. He never napped, even from day 1 -- yes, a newborn awake for 12 hrs at a time. Actually in the last month he's started to actually nap some, which makes us all very happy. Evenso, he rarely sleeps more than 45 min.

And then there was the need to have things just so. He had to lay a certain way and he'd kick and punch me until we were both positioned the way he wanted. And he's strong and very active. He started crawling at 4 mos and hasn't stopped moving since.

I'll admit that for the first 9-10 mos of his life I was convinced that maybe something was wrong with him. It couldn't just be high needs, could it? Well it turns out that yeah, it is. Nothing's wrong at all. And I'll also admit that I had a very, very hard time bonding with him for the first 6 mos or so. His constant crying and need to be nursing or held or something just wore on me. I'm glad he's a little easier to deal with now that he's running and climbing. I actually think he's fun now and enjoy his company.

All of this totally blindsided me because my DD was more mellow. I bonded with her immediately. Her cries were disturbing, but not on this level. She slept for a few hours at a time. She napped. And she liked to cuddle instead of beating me up.

So yeah, high needs is something that's hard to explain but when you've got a HN kid, you know it! And at least in my DSs case, I don't think there's anything else going on. He's a little bit sensory seeking, I think, but probably nothing severe enough to make any kind of diagnosis. He's just really active and very demanding. And I've come to realize that as difficult as it is right now, these personality traits can be an asset when he's all grown up and in the real world. :)

For the first 9 months of my son's life, I couldn't put him down without him screaming bloody murder. I couldn't brush my teeth or take a shower or go to the bathroom without holding him. He would scream, and scream, and scream, and scream. He couldn't sleep unless I was holding him, and lying absolutely perfectly still in a dark room. He would scream for up to 3-4 hours a night before falling asleep, until I lost some of my hearing in my left ear. If I tried to sneak a trip to the bathroom after he was asleep, he would wake up immediately. I couldn't listen to the radio or read or anything during those times. I was pretty much suicidal at some points - I actually started hallucinating from the lack of sleep. We were running on maybe an hour or two a night for months and months. My husband and I fought constantly because he couldn't take DS constantly screaming. He took up smoking and drinking and had to leave the house constantly because the baby was that stressful. This is a war vet who is USED to stress. It was past six months before I could sit down long enough with him there to watch a 20 minute sitcom episode - and we had to pause it several times because we couldn't hear it over his screaming. If he was in the Moby, I would have to pace and jump up and down because if I stopped moving for just three seconds (like to sign a receipt at the grocery store) he would wake up and start wailing. If we were in the car, he could be dead asleep, and if we had to stop at a stop sign, he would start screaming bloody murder.

As a toddler he is much less stressful, but he is still... hm. If I go to the bathroom by myself he will sometimes take the curtains off the rod, poke holes in the couch, take the screens out of the windows, jump all over his little sister and push her down... and all this in the time it takes me to pee. Not out of malice, of course, but just because he DOES things, and he's ALWAYS doing things.

DD was a little needy in the sense that she nursed around the clock for most of the first year, and every 20 minutes a night, and someone had to be holding her most of the time and she just loves attention and can't be left alone to occupy herself. But I don't view that as high needs at all, ESPECIALLY not compared to the way DS was. She is a very sociable baby who makes her needs known. DS however seemed to be a miserable baby from the very start, and intense, and angry, and just... just miserable. :(

Of course this all sounds very negative, and I don't mean it to be. He's overwhelming, and almost a cosmic joke to me I sometimes think, because I'm pretty quiet and introverted, but I still loved him from the minute he was born and of course I don't think "less" of him for his high-needs issues. But, he's definitely, hmm. People can't imagine what it's like to live in that sort of a household with a high needs baby, unless you actually do. Life has to revolve around him and you basically cease to exist, and no one understands, and some people judge you for obviously not being a suitable parent, and etc. etc. I always say DS was given to me to humble me and DD to restore my confidence. I'm NOT a terrible mommy, DS was just a terribly difficult baby. :thumb

ETA: DS was also super early for physical milestones (crawling at 4 months here too, army crawling at 3.5, rolling over at two months (and this boy was 3 weeks early!!!) and such. He didn't sleep much either, he was 5 months before he took a 15 minute nap by himself and it was AMAZING! We took photos and everything. He didn't talk until a couple of months ago though (he just turned 2 in March). And he didn't even make eye contact or point or sign until about 18 months of age. Now he's caught up more or less but... yeah. He's not your typical toddler - unless you count his love of trucks, cars, and planes!

For the first 9 months of my son's life, I couldn't put him down without him screaming bloody murder. I couldn't brush my teeth or take a shower or go to the bathroom without holding him. He would scream, and scream, and scream, and scream. He couldn't sleep unless I was holding him, and lying absolutely perfectly still in a dark room. He would scream for up to 3-4 hours a night before falling asleep, until I lost some of my hearing in my left ear. If I tried to sneak a trip to the bathroom after he was asleep, he would wake up immediately. I couldn't listen to the radio or read or anything during those times. I was pretty much suicidal at some points - I actually started hallucinating from the lack of sleep. We were running on maybe an hour or two a night for months and months. My husband and I fought constantly because he couldn't take DS constantly screaming. He took up smoking and drinking and had to leave the house constantly because the baby was that stressful. This is a war vet who is USED to stress. It was past six months before I could sit down long enough with him there to watch a 20 minute sitcom episode - and we had to pause it several times because we couldn't hear it over his screaming. If he was in the Moby, I would have to pace and jump up and down because if I stopped moving for just three seconds (like to sign a receipt at the grocery store) he would wake up and start wailing. If we were in the car, he could be dead asleep, and if we had to stop at a stop sign, he would start screaming bloody murder.

Yes, this!!!!!

My marriage took a tank during this past year. Seriously, it's been horrible because both of us is stressed out all the time. We fight over whose turn it is to get him to sleep. And when he was finally sleep and one of us made a noise that woke him up, that person would hear about it! We had rules. . no loading/unloading the dishwasher when he's sleeping. . no bathing, no washing clothes, no watching TV, nothing that made noise. Because even the slightest noise would wake him up and we'd be back to the torture.

Most of that horrible stuff is behind us, but he still sleeps like crap and wakes up if I sneak out of bed. It puts me in a dilemma because I can't wake up early and shower while the kids are in bed. But if I shower with DS awake, he's either a) crying because he wants to be held or b) totally happy ripping apart anything he can get his hands on.

Sigh. . .He's still a delightful boy but man. . .

Not necessarily true.

Never stated a "truth". My first post had the standard disclaimer that this was my opinion. ;)

She is a delight, funny, cute, precious, sweet, but EXHAUSTING!!!!!

Sounds like you have a lovely high needs baby. :p
As for a definition, I'd say PPs got it right when they said a high needs child needs something all the time until they are unconscious.
I think the term "high needs" was coined by Dr. Sears, who actually wrote a book on the subject (I think it's called The Fussy Baby Book), which explains in much more detail. I know in the Attachment Parenting book, also by the Sears, there's a hefty chapter devoted to the "high needs child".
You may realize that you are shattered and never get anything done and have a baby/LO in your arms ALL THE TIME, but not be sure that other children are different (i.e. you feel like you are failing as a mum, because you should be able to cope better - like all the other mums), on top of this everyone around you blames AP (and you are not sure that most children wouldn't be like this if they hadn't been forced to CIO).
Yes, this is likely typical of a first time mom of a high needs baby. It seems like it would be a little more tricky to tell if your LO is high needs if he/she is an only child, simply because you don't have another child who lives in the exact same environment (raised by you in your home) to compare him/her to. Know what I mean?

Poor Champagneblossom! Sounds like you have really been through high needs hell!

Not necessarily true. You may realize that you are shattered and never get anything done and have a baby/LO in your arms ALL THE TIME, but not be sure that other children are different (i.e. you feel like you are failing as a mum, because you should be able to cope better - like all the other mums), on top of this everyone around you blames AP (and you are not sure that most children wouldn't be like this if they hadn't been forced to CIO).

:yeah:

I read Sears description of high needs babies. And I thought "well, those must apply to all babies to some degree, the difference must be that some parents handle it better than others". I seriously, seriously thought high needs was just a description people used to make them feel better about how hard being a parent was.

Because if the only baby you have ever known is a high needs baby, and you read a description of high needs babies, it just sounds like a description of a BABY. And when you hear other parents complain about being tired all the time, or how difficult it is with a newborn, you think they're in the same boat you are, when they're on a cruise ship and you're on a sinking rowboat.

And then I spent some time around other babies.
And then I had my second son.

And I went "OH!"

:yeah:

I read Sears description of high needs babies. And I thought "well, those must apply to all babies to some degree, the difference must be that some parents handle it better than others". I seriously, seriously thought high needs was just a description people used to make them feel better about how hard being a parent was.

Because if the only baby you have ever known is a high needs baby, and you read a description of high needs babies, it just sounds like a description of a BABY. And when you hear other parents complain about being tired all the time, or how difficult it is with a newborn, you think they're in the same boat you are, when they're on a cruise ship and you're on a sinking rowboat.

And then I spent some time around other babies.
And then I had my second son.

And I went "OH!"

SOMETIMES people DO use it for "regular" babies when they're just overwhelmed. "Oh, he doesn't want to fall asleep by himself - he must be high needs. Oh, he wants to be carried a whole lot of the day... high needs!" Sometimes it's true and sometimes it's... Hmm. I'm all for self defining your life but sometimes I just have to bite my tongue.

Same thing with hyperemesis. I've known ladies who learned the word and said they suffered from hyperemesis when they just had prolonged morning sickness, but were able to work, care for their children, and otherwise carry on with their lives, even if it wasn't the ideal easy pregnancy. Then there are women with hyperemesis on IV therapy, with PICC lines, who have to terminate wanted pregnancies because their bodies are just shutting down... And I think, well there's a definite spectrum between Easy Pregnancy, Morning Sickness, BAD morning sickness, and HG. And that's the way it is with babies. EASY babies, regular babies, hard babies, and high-needs babies. It's a spectrum, but sometimes there is a real difference between "hard" and "really really really really insanely hard."

Not necessarily true. You may realize that you are shattered and never get anything done and have a baby/LO in your arms ALL THE TIME, but not be sure that other children are different (i.e. you feel like you are failing as a mum, because you should be able to cope better - like all the other mums), on top of this everyone around you blames AP (and you are not sure that most children wouldn't be like this if they hadn't been forced to CIO). DD was 9 months by the time I read Sears Fussy Baby book. And I had read Sears AP book, so I did know about the term High Needs. Your baby may fit into the description of High Need in some ways but be the opposite of another (DD hated slings, swaddling you name it and loved to sleep in her push chair in her first 8 months - but still insisted on being held ALL THE TIME!).

And I had worked with children as a nanny for many years, I still didn't realize.

Well, mine was my first and only. I KNEW it wasn't "normal". Mainstream kids weren't like mine as an infant. Nothing I read about AP and holistic health (which likened people to animals alot--especially when it came to birth and infancy) were NOTHING like my situation. There was nothing to liken it to in any camp.

After my son, fostering drug-exposed infants that experience withdrawal and/or withdrawal backlash isn't really that difficult. Turned out, I DID have a special needs son. THAT I didn't know for lack of comparison. But "high needs"? Yeah, I knew.



Agreed. I am of the opinion that if you have to ask, it doesn't really apply to the child in question. :wink

I think 95% of the time--yeah, that's true. I HAVE seen a few in that other 5% who truly didn't know what they were dealing with. I know that sounds harsh or demeaning--I really don't mean it that way. I just mean that they were not looking for issues, etc. and so never considered that what they had was "too much" or in need of resolution. They simply accepted the situation "as is" and just assumed they just didn't realize what was entailed before... kwim? It's actually kind of a compliment. :o

I also think high needs babies, like any baby, go though phases. Imagine we were scoring the babies, and a "high needs" baby started at 100 and a "normal baby" started at 0. That is their default level of demand in terms of care.

There will be times when "normal" babies run at a 30 or 50 or even more because of something or other, a cold, teething, developmental phase. And maybe times when a "high needs" baby runs at a 50 because they're having a really calm day.

But i had a "high needs" baby who was like an 80 birth-3weeks, then a 100 3weeks-28months (but some days she was super-chilled out by her standards and only slightly high needs by everyone elses - a 50 maybe), since then she's been about a 70 or so. The better she can communicate and the more she is able to express herself the easier she becomes. The other day her dad asked to share her bread and she said "certainly not!" and smiled - 3 months ago she'd have said "no" and then cried because that wasn't REALLY what she wanted to express.

I also think as they grow you do too, as a parent, and so things become normal to you if not normal to everyone.

For the first 9 months of my son's life, I couldn't put him down without him screaming bloody murder. I couldn't brush my teeth or take a shower or go to the bathroom without holding him. He would scream, and scream, and scream, and scream. He couldn't sleep unless I was holding him, and lying absolutely perfectly still in a dark room. He would scream for up to 3-4 hours a night before falling asleep, until I lost some of my hearing in my left ear. If I tried to sneak a trip to the bathroom after he was asleep, he would wake up immediately. I couldn't listen to the radio or read or anything during those times. I was pretty much suicidal at some points - I actually started hallucinating from the lack of sleep. We were running on maybe an hour or two a night for months and months. My husband and I fought constantly because he couldn't take DS constantly screaming. He took up smoking and drinking and had to leave the house constantly because the baby was that stressful. This is a war vet who is USED to stress. It was past six months before I could sit down long enough with him there to watch a 20 minute sitcom episode - and we had to pause it several times because we couldn't hear it over his screaming. If he was in the Moby, I would have to pace and jump up and down because if I stopped moving for just three seconds (like to sign a receipt at the grocery store) he would wake up and start wailing. If we were in the car, he could be dead asleep, and if we had to stop at a stop sign, he would start screaming bloody murder.

As a toddler he is much less stressful, but he is still... hm. If I go to the bathroom by myself he will sometimes take the curtains off the rod, poke holes in the couch, take the screens out of the windows, jump all over his little sister and push her down... and all this in the time it takes me to pee. Not out of malice, of course, but just because he DOES things, and he's ALWAYS doing things.

......

Of course this all sounds very negative, and I don't mean it to be. He's overwhelming, and almost a cosmic joke to me I sometimes think, because I'm pretty quiet and introverted, but I still loved him from the minute he was born and of course I don't think "less" of him for his high-needs issues. But, he's definitely, hmm. People can't imagine what it's like to live in that sort of a household with a high needs baby, unless you actually do. Life has to revolve around him and you basically cease to exist, and no one understands, and some people judge you for obviously not being a suitable parent, and etc. etc. I always say DS was given to me to humble me and DD to restore my confidence. I'm NOT a terrible mommy, DS was just a terribly difficult baby. :thumb

ETA: DS was also super early for physical milestones (crawling at 4 months here too, army crawling at 3.5, rolling over at two months (and this boy was 3 weeks early!!!) and such. He didn't sleep much either, he was 5 months before he took a 15 minute nap by himself and it was AMAZING! We took photos and everything. He didn't talk until a couple of months ago though (he just turned 2 in March). And he didn't even make eye contact or point or sign until about 18 months of age. Now he's caught up more or less but... yeah. He's not your typical toddler - unless you count his love of trucks, cars, and planes!

Sorry, to bring this back up...I was doing a little research for myself and came across this.

I could have written every word of your post. Well, I CAN write every word of your post because I own that life.

I just thought for a very long time that I was a veryt inept mother. Thought I had a normal baby that I just couldn't deal with because of my own issues, but my DS owns every.single.one.of.the.listed traits.

Love, love, love him to pieces (the flip side of all the negatives), but he sure is trying and siphons a ton of my mother-ness.

I'm so sad that I didn't have this artlcle (or any inkling of this) when he turned 6 months....or maybe even in early pregnancy....I guess we should have known when even the OB said it wasn't typical for a baby to be "that mobile" in the womb (the kid NEVER stayes still in utero!!)

Hmpf, "high-needs", "sprited"...oh yeah, that's my boy! :D

Sisteesmama I see this thread is from May but given your other thread about having another child, it made me realize that aside from the economic parts of choosing whether another child is a "responsible" choice, think about your energy and ability to care for them too! I hadn't connected this thread with your other one until now, but if you're still feeling as exhausted and worn out by your little one as you were here (which, with demanding children is TOTALLY and COMPLETELY understandable!), then hopefully you're also weighing that seriously as you think about what it would take to take good care of another little one?

Not at all saying it isn't possible to do, but given your other thread just hoping you're weighing all of those in your decision!

Ha! I never thought about my lo as "high needs" until I read this article! ...... But I always just assumed her "behavior" was due to the fact that we AP - meaning that we don't do all the mainstream things that tend to *break her spirit* (for lack of a better term).

for the first year of dd1's life, i thought she was an "easy" baby because as long as i was giving her what she needed, she was content.

it wasn't until i realized that most kids didn't need to be held 24/7, nursed 20+ times a day, wake up every 45 minutes and need to be nursed back down, etc. that i read The Fussy Baby Book by Dr. Sears.
then i figured out why my house didn't stay as clean, why i coudn't get anything done, when other SAHMs could. :wink

I read Sears description of high needs babies. And I thought "well, those must apply to all babies to some degree, the difference must be that some parents handle it better than others". I seriously, seriously thought high needs was just a description people used to make them feel better about how hard being a parent was.

Because if the only baby you have ever known is a high needs baby, and you read a description of high needs babies, it just sounds like a description of a BABY. And when you hear other parents complain about being tired all the time, or how difficult it is with a newborn, you think they're in the same boat you are, when they're on a cruise ship and you're on a sinking rowboat.

And then I spent some time around other babies.
And then I had my second son.

And I went "OH!"

I've been around babies my whole life, and assumed DS was harder because he was mine and my responsibility 24/7. I'm still skeptical about that article, because DS is 100% everything on that list. I've always chalked it up to me working as well as staying home with him, his inability to nap, his early motor functions, DH working 10 hour days, us moving and having stress because of that...........

My MIL (who helped watch him on the weekends this summer) finally said "I've never seen a baby who needs more upkeep than this child" and it really struck me. I always thought of him as a typical gemini - happy and calm one moment, totally ballistic the next, and figured it was because babies are so much more "concentrated human" than adults are. But my MIL knows FOR SURE that he's high needs, so maybe he is. It will be interesting to see whether I finally DO get a high needs baby with the next one or if the next baby is a breeze. I guess I'll know for sure when (s)he comes.

Here is an article on the Dr. Sears website about the hallmarks of a high needs baby.

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/5/T050400.asp

It fits my daughter to a tee. Sigh. I really love her, but I'm glad she was 2nd kid, because there have been times I wanted to rip my ovaries out. The funny thing is they are such lovable and smart kids, just so intense it is easy as a parent to get touched out, frustrated, exhausted etc.


LMAO I have always said if my second son had been my first, I would have ripped out my own uterus. He was a child you had to watch constantly, he screamed almost constantly, but didn't want to be held, touched or looked at. I am shocked I didn't go gray at 20 from that kid. That is probably way i waited almost another 10 years before I had another baby. HA. But seriously, for has high needs as he was as a baby, and as much as he just grated on everyone as a young child, he is the easiest 10 year old I know. He is WONDERFUL. Hilarious, kind, thoughtful, just a wonderful boy. He is sure making up for the hell of the first few years. So there is hope.

My 8-mo-old DS:

-nurses almost constantly day & night (every 30-60 minutes, improving to 90 minutes on a good day)
-doesn't sleep well & needs lots of help to get/stay asleep, and has never slept more than 3 hours straight
-cried for the first 6 months of life & still whines almost all day long
-isn't content to play on his own for more than 2 minutes
-needs to be in my arms all day & night, but cries when I'm holding him
-doesn't deal well with anyone besides me & DH
-can't tolerate a wet/dirty diaper for 10 seconds while you get the new diaper out
-needs constant stimulation/interaction - gets bored easily after just seconds
-doesn't like to be on his belly or his back

....THAT'S high needs, though it's very hard to convey the weight of it in words...

I can't imagine NOT knowing if he was high needs. It's obvious. LOL

Basically, it's like Goldilocks from The Three Bears, only with a constant whine and flailing arms & legs...

I just knew that my dd was going to be the mellowest baby ever. She was going to take long naps and just be a happy, content, snuggly little baby. :lol ....sigh

She cried a lot and her cries went from 0 to 60 in a less then a second. If she wanted something she wanted it right now and she was very particular about everything. I remember trying to nurse her in a rocking chair when she was a couple of months old and she was getting so mad. I finally turned the rocking chair around and she immediately calmed down. Problem was, she wasn't facing the right way. :duh:

She needed to be held at all times by me. If I tried to hand her off to anyone else she would scream and cry. She could (and still can) cry for long periods of time. She wouldn't stop until she got what she wanted. Bouncing and distracting didn't help. If you tried shushing her she would get so MAD. When holding her she also demanded that I be in constant motion. Sitting in a rocking chair or bouncing on a yoga ball didn't count. I spent the first year of her life just walking and when she would tolerate being in a stroller, running. I lost so much weight it was ridiculous.

I had the hardest time getting her to take naps. Once I finally figured out her natural rhythm I would be able to get her down to sleep and she would sleep for exactly 30 minutes before waking up again. It had to be in a quiet, dark room. She never fell asleep in a room full of people. I'm always amazed when I see kids who can do that. She would wake at the slightest sound, a neighbors dog three houses down barking, the TV going on in the other room, etc. I remember tiptoeing around the house having whispered conversations so afraid of waking her up. Like another poster said, I could not read or look on the computer while nursing her. She wouldn't tolerate it. I didn't plan on co-sleeping but I figured out early on that that was the key to sleeping at night. She was a great night sleeper and still is, thankfully.

When I think of what makes a child high needs I think of these things: Very intense, very active (mind and body), very sensitive, very demanding, very strong willed and very particular.

He is sure making up for the hell of the first few years. So there is hope.

Bolding is mine..

Thank you for posting this....somedays it just doesn't seem like there's enough of me to continue the hope!! LOL.
:love

I agree that it gets so much better as they get older. When you think about it all of those personality traits can be positives and will serve them well in whatever it is they decide that they want to do in life. It's just so hard to meet that level of intensity and demand from someone who can't yet do what they want to do on their own yet. I was so excited when dd learned to crawl because it meant that she could get to what she wanted, position herself the way she wanted and just be a little more independent in meeting her needs. It has only gotten easier from there.

I consider my son at least somewhat high needs because of his eczema. It's very bad even with eliminating food allergies and treating it, and he is pretty much constantly itchy, and is often pretty miserable. from about 4-10 months of age he had to constantly wear a sleeper, a hat that snapped under his chin, and socks on his hands, or he would scratch until he bled. :( He still does it now at 13.5 months, but he knows how to take the socks off and won't tolerate the hat. We have to always keep a very close eye on him or he will find a way to scratch and end up bloody, no matter how short we keep his nails.

Other than that, he is not high needs at all! I am hoping his eczema starts improving soon (cutting out eggs and dairy and using skin creams has helped). Without the constant itching he'd be a pretty easy baby! :love