"you're stupid" and hitting.

[mamangazelle]

Dd (turned 5 in september) began to tell us we are stupid a few weeks ago. She says this everytime we ask her something (like not to play to rough with the baby) or make a comment. When we are talking (not even to her) she says this too, and sometimes makes stupid (funny) faces and imitates us. This is really getting on my nerves. I don't ever use this word (except in the description above, but that's due to my lack of english vocabulary :hippie )
Today, when she was with my MIL, I overheard her repeating "stupid granny".
I have tried ignoring it, but it doesn't seem to work, and it's hard to do when she tells it to people in public (I know I shouldn't care, but I feel strangers deserve respect and ignoring this behavior doesn't seem respectful to me) and dh isn't able to do it (and I have do admit it's hard for me too)
Dh usually sends her to her room.
I try to only tell her gently that this is not OK to do, but it's not working (but maybe it will if I stay consistent :confused: )
I am totaly lost. I am a very respectfull person, even when mad, I never call people names, because this is one thing I cannot stand.
Also, she sometimes "upgrade" her defiant behavior and hits us, not strong, but just to see how we'll handle it. If she does this, I most of the time tell her gently to go to her room because she seems to need to relax and be alone for a few minutes, but most of the time she refuses. Should I force her to?
I'm so scared I dind't raise her properly and that she'll be the kid nobody wants to be around.:crying
HELP!!!

[Piglet68]

Perhaps you could role play with her when she's in a good mood, and rehearse ways she could express herself without using that word or hitting. I'm guessing this is how she has learned to express herself when she is feeling lack of control, or being told what to do, etc. I'm not saying it's your fault; I'm just saying that maybe what she is experiencing is just a normal, natural reaction to the situation, but she is lacking an acceptable way to express it.

[Jish]

We hear both "you're stupid" and "I hate you" from our 5 year old ds. It drives me absolutely crazy, but I know that it stems from frustration and the inability to find the words to say what he means. He started Kindergarten (full day) this year so his life changed pretty dramatically all of the sudden. The behavior started about two months after the start of the school year, I think after the novelty of the new situation wore off. His teacher and I have a good relationship and I have spent time in his classroom. He is an angel at school. He is obedient, thoughtful, very well behaved. She doesn't have to ask him more than once to do something and he jumps right to it. This includes things like cleaning the tables or putting away toys - things he fights me on at home. She just can't believe that he doesn't act the same at home. Of course, she is 26 and newly married with no children. I told her just to wait.:LOL

I honestly feel like he uses so much energy at school behaving and following instructions that when he gets home he sort of errupts like a volcano. It all just comes spewing out. I find that I'm not helping the situation any because I find myself raising my voice and talking to him from a distance. He and his 3 yo brother often get so wound up that it makes me insane that neither one will even listen to me. I'm trying very hard not to do this anymore, and to make sure that I am at his level when talking to him and that I have his full attention.

He has been saying that I'm bossy lately, but it stems from the fact that in order to get him to do anything I have to ask him half a dozen times. This weekend has gone much better because I make sure that I have his eye contact before making my request. If I have to ask more than twice I remind him that I don't want to sound bossy and need him to help me out.

I have to admit that I have no problem sending him to his room when he calls me names or is rude and disrespectful to me. I'm not punishing him, I just don't deserve to have to listen to someone berate me like that. The rule is that he can come out when he can be a respectful member of the family. It's his choice whether it is 15 seconds, or half an hour. Often, he won't come out for a while and I'll go in there and he's playing Candiland and is back to his usual pleasant self and doesn't even remember that I sent him in there. It just gives him the break that he needs to be removed from the situation.

I wish I had some surefire cure for you, but since I'm dealing with it myself, I can only tell you what we're doing, and that it still doesn't always work.:LOL

[lilyka]

My three year old does this. it is so annoying. My plan (and I am terribly inconsistant with it :( ) is to send her to her room (and I will carry her if need be). Our general rule onm such things is "if you can't act socially acceptable you may not be social. If you would like to go to yoiur rom and act that way feel free but you won't ruin everyone elses good time" She has never called me stupid but her older sister is "Stupid this stupid that what you did was stupid, stuipid I hate you" Aaahhhh, life is grand. And just frothe record no one is allowed to ever call anyone stupid in our house.

[mamangazelle]

Thank you. I'll try to send her to her room. But what do I do if she refuses?
I totaly agree with you Jish. I know she is very tired because of school: she's the youngest of her class and she manages to do as well as others. Her teacher told me she did not believe she just turned 5, she thought she turned 6 in sept, because dd was so well adapted to the school and mature. She too is very polite, very obedient and all at school. She even helps other kids manage their anger in a positive way :LOL Maybe she knows what to do (I have done role playing several times) but just needs to burst after being in control of herself for so long at school.

[nancy926]

I read some great advice (IMHO of course) on another thread about hitting/calling names....

Go to the child's room with him/her and ask why they did what they did. Neither of you leaves the room until that gets talked about. (I realize if you have younger kids, this might not work.) Once you get a reason, ask if he/she can think of a better way to handle the situation besides hitting/calling names. Ask how he/she thinks the other person might have felt, being hit or called a name. Has anyone ever hit them or called them a name? did it feel good, bad, etc?

The poster on this thread said that they never ignore hitting or name-calling incidents because that implies they're okay to do.

Younger kids hit and use the word "stupid" and sometimes don't know what they're doing/saying, but a 5-year-old is not in that camp!

Good luck.....I'm sure I'll be there one day!

Nancy

[mamaduck]

Hey, Nancy -- you're talking about my post, I think!! :) My though, you said it much more concisely than I did.

I just wanted to chime in another approach that helps with our kids. We have taught them that name calling is as bad as hitting. We've invested a lot of energy in explaining that intentionally hurting someone is never okay, and that there are ways of hurting someone's feelings that are *just as bad* as hurting their body. In our house, calling names is always "hurting people," and we are careful to label it as that.

[lilyka]

I usually carry her to her room. If she comes out I p ut her back in a couple of times and then aske her if she is ready to act nicely toward others. If she says no she goes back in her room. If she says yes i take her word for it and then if she chooses to act mean again back to her room. This game gets old quickly and she decides usually that it is more fun to be nice. This was very time intensive at first but now she usually stays in her room and will usually go her self if I start walking towards her.

[sparklemom]

Also, remind yourself to get to the emotions behind the behavior.

Clearly if she's calling you "stupid" she's angry with you. Acknowledging the feelings behind the behavior is getting to the actual root of the situation.

[mamangazelle]

Thanks. If only dh would agree to keep doing one thing for more than a day before saying it doesn't work :rolleyes: starting yelling to make her stop...