What happened to my baby?

[IdentityCrisisMama]

My daughter is 2 years 4 months old and is RAPIDLY changing into another being. She’s not changing in a “negative” way (as if that could be) but it’s very intense and making me a little nervous.

Basically, I’m wondering if anyone can help pinpoint what “stage” she’s in and help me get more in sync with her. (I assume she is in a normal stage because she has developed very much in line with “typical” development in the past)

Here is the post from the Toddler Forum:

I’m coming here because my Child Development knowledge has sadly expired…just when I feel I need it most.
I know I would benefit from some reading but haven’t gotten around to it and, frankly, don’t have access to any new books right this minute.

I’m especially interested in what her new needs will be and what new discipline strategies might work for us.

New Characteristics:

- Ability to negotiate for what she wants, which was discovered and instigated entirely on her own.
- Increased sense of humor and silliness.
- Fascination with a pacifier (after no interest since birth).
- Huge language leaps especially in annunciation or being more easily understood by others.
- She is asking “why” questions and asking about the meaning of words in books that she we have been reading for months.
- Boredom with her toys and asking for activity books.
- More interest in playing and having needs met by extended family and friends.
- Insane recollection of events that trips me out!
- She is having more falls because she’s being less cautious (she was a really cautious kid and didn’t fall at all until 2 and now she seems to get hurt 2+ times/day...becoming a dare devil)

So, what stage is this? I really think I need to gear up to meet here new needs or I know we’ll have major problems.

If this post seems strange to any of you, please let me explain. I had huge problems adjusting to the last big transition from infancy to toddlerhood but once I got into the “groove” I loved toddlerhood…I just wish it didn’t take 6 months of miserable transition (on my part) to get into it. This is what I wish to avoid.

[pamelamama]

:OT
sorry to be completely unhelpful but I have to say your sig photo is stunning.

xo pam

[sunnmama]

Originally posted by IdentityCrisisMama
So, what stage is this? I really think I need to gear up to meet here new needs or I know we’ll have major problems.


I am also little help--because the only stage I can name for this is "2-year-old" :LOL
But regarding the statement above....think positively! IME, dd's second year was REALLY tough (12-24 mo), and things generally got a bit easier once she got those communication/negotiation skills you mentioned. Much less frustrating once they understand and can be understood. Maybe it won't be as tough a transition as you think. Maybe :D
Are you having any specific problems now?

[cosmos]

I agree that big developmental leaps can be frustrating. When they occur it seems like everything I I thought I knew doesn't apply anymore!
I can't add much but I remember around that time I tried to find more activities for my dd to do-like experiment with really messy things and just try to hang back and let her go. She loved to mix baking ingredients and just squirt glue for the pure joy. It seemed like a "do" stage is I guess what I am saying. Not sure about GD fitting in-just that I felt like allowing more was in order! HTH

[IdentityCrisisMama]

I would like to be more specific about what’s going on but first, THANK YOU, pamelamama! I have never been called “stunning” in my life and it turns out to be one of my most favorite ways of describing a person. I seriously couldn’t have dreamed up a more flattering compliment. Thanks for what you said.

Okay and now for the nitty-gritty about my daughter.

First, my OP was written about a month ago and I was right, we’re heading down a bad road right now.

I understand about the idea of staying positive, not using the term “terrible twos” and etc but we are slipping big time and if I can’t express my frustrations here, where can I express them?

Sunnmama, I know yours is good advice but I’m not that open to it right now. We had a really hard day today and maybe tomorrow I can focus harder on maintaining positive attitude but, honestly, I try to start every day positively but then I get worn down, KWIM?

I’m starting to have this panicky feeling again that I had when Aya had her first development out of infancy. I remember posting on MDC about how let down I felt by all my advice books and developmental theories of “wants and needs”. I was even angry at “AP” parenting for abandoning me with a complex toddler and no help other then, “satisfy her wants because they *are* her needs”. Okay, NOW, I’m officially rambling, that was the past and we’ve gotten through it. STOP!

Cosmos, you are right on here. The issue is more about a developmental leap that has left me in the cold as to how to respond to my child.

I have some things to add about behavior but I’ll add them to another post.

Thanks so far, Hannah

[IdentityCrisisMama]

1st issue: The way she talks to me (and others)

We had a small break through today when my daughter began to understand what I meant when I asked her to ask me for something “nicely”. In the past few months she has misunderstood “nicely” to mean just tacking the word “please” on the end of a bossy, whiney demand.

I have been highlighting when she speaks to me in a way that I appreciate, modeling “nice” requests and etc. What more can I do to reduce whiney demands? How do you request “nicer” (I don’t really love that word) communication? I am beginning to feel like the lowly servant of a two foot tall Queen.

2nd issue: She USED to play by herself for quite a long time, now she doesn’t and I miss it!

I can’t think of more “issues” but I would like to add some more elements of her development.

New Element #1
As cosmos, said, she is into a “Me Do” phase. What is this all about? What challenges go along with this stage? What new interests might she have? How can I nurture this new development?

New Element #2
Also, a big concern of mine is that she is becoming slightly, slightly “violent”. She has never been much of a hitter or anything but she has recently engaged in a few incidents of mild “violence”. I don’t even know if this is the word but she hit a friend of mine on the hands, has been “play” fighting with a friend of hers and she threw (in frustration) a plastic chair a few nights ago.

New Element #3
She wants someone to read her books more than in the past.

New Element #4
She is having a much harder time accepting that she can’t have (fill in any desired object) and I am less able to distract her attention away from it.

New Element #5
She is also doing things that seem to be in direct defiance to me. Sometimes when I ask her to do something, it seems that she is only saying no because I have asked her to do it.

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Just a little up date and a bump this evening.

I have spent the day "getting to Know my daughter" again. This has helped some. I can see how much she has changed. She's interested in totally new pretend play games.

Tonight she wanted to play "cafe". We had a server and endless helpings of ice cream and candy. It was fun.

[Alstrameria]

I can relate to all of your new elements. Dd doesn't express frustration physically but she will yell and kind of freeze. I can tell you what we've done in these instances, but better I recommend my resource: "Your child's self esteem", by Dorothy Corkville Briggs.

This book has been invaluable to me and describes very closely what you have, detailing the root and possible reactions/proactions for each psychological stage.

Jen

[Piglet68]

I've been reading this thread with interest. I don't have a lot to add to it, but I can relate to the child entering a new phase of activity and needs and behaviour and being a bit thrown off by the changes at first.

With respect to the "asking nicely" stuff. I read a great post here a while back that suggested that children don't always understand what we mean when we say "ask nicely" or "don't whine". We take it for granted that it must be obvious. Someone suggested doing some role-playing when the child is in a good mood. Demonstrate whining and demonstrate using a more acceptable tone. Experiment with using different tones of voice, different phrases.

This advice really touched a part of me because I well remember being told not to whine. I recall quite clearly being unaware that I was whining, being instead rather caught up in my emotions, and feeling that not only was the parent basically ignoring my feelings by picking on my tone of voice rather than what I was trying to convey, but I also recall how difficult it was to just "switch myself off". Sort of like if you are in a really bad mood and someone says "hey, smile!" when that's the last thing you feel like doing. It's hard as an adult and I remember it being quite hard as a child.

So there's my little contribution, all plagerized of course, lol!

[nuggetsmom]

ICM

I have no answer for you except to say that my DD is doing the exact same thing. I find myself pulled between finding her extremely fun and interactive and funny and feeling like I am at the end of my rope. I know I have been feeling pretty tired and stressee the last month or so and I attribute some of my short tmeperedness to that, Probably a lot could be attributed to that.

Well, I decided to make a list of "new" activities that we can involve ourselves in instead of flailing around bored with the old ones. I think that helps some. Also I am being more structured in my days when she is home (I work so she goes to daycare 3 days a week- but she has been sick and on break a lot in the last month).

Our favorite activities are:
playdoh
cooking/baking (if I have the energy to clean up)
sticking things with a glue stick and cutting pictures from magazines.
activity books
coloring and painting with watersoluble colored pencils (I enjoy coloring for my own self)

[Foobar]

Goo is younger (18 months) but hitting some of these same issues.

Let me give you my frustrated perspective:

1) She usderstands how to be "nice", but she doesn't understand being nice. Politness is something she can't comprehend yet and I think it takes awhile to get through. Just keep being polite and ask for things nicely without whining yourself and she should figure it out. If her whining really gets you (it gets to me!) I will sometimes repeat what she wants in a nice tone.... She will repeat me..

2) violence. I think Goo has figured out that there is a connection between violence (what I see as violence) and other's reactions. She is exploring what she can do and how I will react. Sometimes, when she is frustrated, she will throw things and hit. I tell her that I understand she is frustrated, and that it isn't ok to hit. I think this is base programming. Haven't you ever wanted to scream and throw things when frustrated? She doesn't know how to control that yet.. we do, we have more experience.

3) More book reading. Goo is doing this too. I think she is comprehending some of the words more now and wants repeatition to solidify the ideas in her brain.

4) less playing by herself...yep, got that too. I think this is a social stage. She understands that you can share and play with others and she wants to share time with you...

5) Goo is suddenly the "mine" queen of the house. And it is harder to distract. I am just firm on the issues I feel I need to be an explain over and over and over and over why she can't have something. I give her time to get out her frustrations.

I don't know if this really helps, but this is what I am seeing in my dd changes.....

[mountain mom]

Hi there,
ICM- we are totally in the same stage!!! You have recieved great advice here and I will echo what Piglet68 said about the tones of the voices.
About 6 months ago (our dd is 26 mths now) we started the mantra of say it with your nice voice. Or occasionly when the whining gets out of hand I will resort to I can't hear you when you whine although I don't like that one very much. We constantly demonstrate the difference. Now when she asks for something she says Please with many lilts and it almost sounds like a song.:LOL Try it make all lessons fun and interesting. Be animated with your child.
I also wanted to comment on what you said about being nervous or uncomfortable with this developmental stage. Try to stay present in each moment. Try to find the positivity in this moment. Remember your childs infancy, baby time etc but don't live back there. There is a great book called "You are Your Child's First Teacher" by Rahima Baldwin Dancy. She very elloquently writes about all of this and more. I just love that book, when I read a section I have one realization moment after another:wave
Hang in there, the twos I think are really terrific. I try not to 'power struggle' with my dd and at the same time I try to create decent boundaries that we both agree on!! Sometimes its hard but I just remember its temporary, its a stage, how we manage this stage with enable us to manage and thrive in the next.
Take care

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Originally posted by Piglet68
I read a great post here a while back that suggested that children don't always understand what we mean when we say "ask nicely" or "don't whine". We take it for granted that it must be obvious. Someone suggested doing some role-playing when the child is in a good mood. Demonstrate whining and demonstrate using a more acceptable tone. Experiment with using different tones of voice, different phrases.

Yes! This is great advice. I may have read that thread because I remember a time about 6 months ago were we first addressed whining. I did have to explain to my daughter what whining was before we could get down to limiting it. Unfortunately, this time it is slightly different.

Originally posted by Piglet68
This advice really touched a part of me because I well remember being told not to whine. I recall quite clearly being unaware that I was whining, being instead rather caught up in my emotions, and feeling that not only was the parent basically ignoring my feelings by picking on my tone of voice rather than what I was trying to convey, but I also recall how difficult it was to just "switch myself off".

You know, I really took this to heart and I want to thank you very much for this story. We’ve been dealing with whining for the past month but it’s much more complex than the first time in early toddlerhood. I think you may have cleared something up for us and that is that my daughter *knows* how to talk nicely and probably *wants* to ask nicely but it may be too much for her when she’s really emotional. I talked to my husband about this and he said that he remembered having a hard time with that as well. Thanks, Piglet. (BTW, I’m HannahSims, we had a nice chat on another thread)

Nuggetsmom,
Thanks for the ideas. Yea, we’ve just started cooking together. It’s working out very nicely. I’ve gotta make or buy some playdoh. It’s so funny that you said “activity books” because my daughter started asking for one about a month ago…I don’t even know where she got that word?

Foobar,
My daughter went through a change around 18 months similar to yours, which I found hard but, I hate to say it, this one seems even harder.

Originally posted by mountain mom
Now when she asks for something she says Please with many lilts and it almost sounds like a song.:LOL

Oh, yea, we have that same “song”. I find it really sweet, especially because I an tell how hard she is trying.

Originally posted by mountain mom
Try to stay present in each moment. Try to find the positivity in this moment. Remember your childs infancy, baby time etc but don't live back there. There is a great book called "You are Your Child's First Teacher" by Rahima Baldwin Dancy. She very elloquently writes about all of this and more. I just love that book, when I read a section I have one realization moment after another:wave
Hang in there, the twos I think are really terrific. I try not to 'power struggle' with my dd and at the same time I try to create decent boundaries that we both agree on!! Sometimes its hard but I just remember its temporary, its a stage, how we manage this stage with enable us to manage and thrive in the next.
Take care

I also try to stay present in the moment and I really try hard to be positive (I express the bad stuff here because I feel this is an appropriate place to express my frustrations). I’ll try that book on my next shipment. We have a good handle on power struggles and I feel good about the boundaries I’m setting but my daughter is really fighting them, even when I feel handled the situation well.

The thing about remembering that this is temporary is that isn’t really being in the moment. A “this too shall pass” attitude is what I’m trying to avoid because I really want to enjoy this time, kwim?

[mountain mom]

I guess what I meant about this stage being temporary is to remember that when its tough that its just like a blip in time and to try to enjoy or experience each moment. I have a habit of mind wandering during difficult times and when that time passes I sometimes wish I had been more present. I just try to focus on remembering that, not so much the concept of this too shall pass.
I also love the fact that when it gets tough there is this forum to vent and be honest and be met in that same honest manner. Sounds like you really have a great handle on things!!:wave