The Hot Button: BIRTHDAY PARTYS!

[anothermama]

I've seen this issue be a BIG BIG hot issue for mamas before, and I'm curious about your opinions here:

Lets say you throw a birthday party for your child who is under the age of, say, 6.

Do you think it's ok for people to bring their spouse? (Meaning they'd be brining their child and two adults).

Do you think it's ok for them to bring siblings? What if the parent is a single parent?

Do you think that the activities for kids under the age of 6 should be restricted for kids those ages or should older kids (say, 10 and up) be allowed to participate too (typical party games). Would you feeling be different if one of YOUR kids was that much older than the birthday child?

[SamuraiEarthMama]

well, i've got three kids and they're 2.5 and 3.5 years apart (and this next one will be 10.5 years!) so i've always had to deal with a couple extra kids of different ages. sometimes having another one helps, so they have someone to hang with.

i've had parents drop kids at parties faster than i can give them the ending time, and i've had parents stick around for the whole thing. i try to have pretty flexible activities so that we can include whoever is around.... either that or i just recruit them for helping out and cleaning up. usually they're pretty good about it.

when i go to a party, unless it was specifically stated to me that it's OK to drop and run, i try to check out with the mom to see if she needs a hand, either at the beginning or towards the end of the gathering. sometimes a pile of kids can be pretty overwhelming for one or two parents!

but if you think a family will overstay their welcome... well, maybe you need to think again if they need to be on your guest list!

happy partying,

katje

[Dar]

I think it depends a lot on the kind of party...

At big Go-to-the-Park parties, we've generally been pretty explicit about the whole family being welcome, and I think it's fine to assume this is okay.

We really don't tend to do competitive games at parties - I've never seen this be anything but a disaster. So for a non-competitive, fun activity-sort of game, I think it's nice to involve all of the kids. If there's a big age game (like a couple 9 or 10 year olds with a group of 4 yr olds) I'd be inclined to create teams and make them helpers, while still letting them have fun and participate.

If the party is a specified activity, like a bowling party, then I don't think it's okay to bring siblings, unless they're young enough or old enough that they won't mind not actually being included (say, under 3 or over 12, or around there). It's not fair to expect the birthday parents to pay for all the siblings to participate if they're not invited. Rain's last party was bowling, and she invited 10 kids, including two sets of 2 siblings. If she had invited all the siblings of all the kids she invited, there would have been 23 kids there, and we couldn't afford that.

I do think any number of parenst are generally okay, as long as they're not in the way... if they're actually helping, even better!

Dar

[mamallama]

I think the host/ess needs to be specific--and whatever you specify is ok.

If I were going to a special event type party (ie-bowling), I would ask if it were ok to bring the whole family. If it were ok, I would pick up the tab for my family, as well as contribute to the group pizza or whatnot. If the hostess said the party was for the invitees only, that would be fine too. I would not have any hard feelings at all!

If it were a picnic party, I would ask to bring a dish and drinks for my family.

Parties in our own home tend to be a free-for-all. Everyone is always welcome. We deliberately choose foods and activities that are widely acceptable (and inexpensive)--and we deliberately do not socialize with folks who won't respect our house rules. But that's just how we are. Other people make different choices, and that's ok.

If I were the hostess, I would bring up these issues when the guests called to rsvp. If I hadn't heard from someone within a few days of the party, I'd call them. I would expect the same courtesies of my guests that I would extend to anyone who invited me (or my kids) to an event.

But honestly, I can't see including someone on a guest list if I had concerns about talking about party plans. We keep our celebrations--I started to say small, but that's not true. Intimate is the word I'm looking for--and we like it that way. I've been to parties where the host/ess didn't really know the guests, and it seemed pretty awkward to me.

[Viola]

Interesting question. I had a birthday party for Molly last year, and I invited people from playgroup. I knew some of them would bring spouses and I knew how many children each family had, so I kept that in mind as I planned who to invite. Inviting one child might mean I'd get 4 people and I didn't want the house to be overcrowded. I didn't do any games, I just had crafts and toys.

I just took my daughter to a birthday party for a child in her preschool, and I wasn't sure what to do. I took Jessie in the sling figuring she really wouldn't be a bother. I wasn't even sure if I was supposed to stay, but I figured Molly would want me to. All the moms stayed, and one dad came and brought his son instead of the mom and he stayed too. A couple people brought younger siblings, and a couple of the children were like Molly and wanted their moms really close by.

This party was interesting because we all brought presents, but the present opening wasn't part of the party. After we were done with the cake, the mom handed out the party favor bags and said thanks for coming. I checked the time and it was the ending time of the party as listed in the invitation. I'm thinking avoiding that gift opening was a good idea, although it really is my daughter's favorite part of it all.

My other friends have done a party where the child opens each person's gift as that person arrives. And the last party I went to we did a gift exchange instead. I really like that idea and I think I am going to do that for Molly's 5th birthday, if she has a party. Any thoughts on the whole gift thing? I've always said no gifts, but people always bring gifts.

[oatmeal]

Well I expect them to bring their spouse. At dd's party this weekend coming up the adults out number the kids more than double becsue of the spouse factor - plus a few of my friends are single adults and are coming too. Some of the women in my playgroup have two kids, I'm not going ot ask them to leave their husbands at home. I think it wouold be rude. also, a couple of the dads are my friends too, so I want them there.

All the kids should participate in the games. 10 of the kids at our party are the same range 2-3.5 then there is one 6 year old... there was supposed to be another one to keep her company but she can't come. Of course I would expect her to feel welcome and do the crafts al lthe kids are doing and play the games.

Not sure what the issue is here - that's just my 2 cents. Inclusion is the name of the game.

[tnrsmom]

Moving this to Parenting Issues.:hippie

[melamama]

I'm just sending out invitations to dd's 4th bday party-so I've been thinking about these issues too.

If the party is on the weekend I sort of expect the spouse (if there is one) to come-but at past parties it has been a mix and either is fine. We're friends with most of dd friend's moms and dads--primarily because of other bday parties with both spouses in attendance.

I want to be laid back on the sibling issue (and would be if it was a single parent), but my dd has a good friend with 2 older siblings who are always included and they completly dominate him--to the extent of at his bdparty last month there was a competitive game with the whole party included and one of the older siblings won and the birthday boy was in tears for the duration. To me this is a huge bummer for the birthday kid

Since I only have 2 young children I don't know what will happen when I've got one siginificantly older, but I sort of hope we could talk about it and they could bring their own activity--since it is a party for a younger kid. The older child will have their own special day, and go to parties of peers so I sort of don't think not getting to fully participate in a younger sibling's party is such a big deal. Plus an older sibling-even just 2 or 3 years is significantly more skilled at musical chairs, pin the tail on the whatever, and most other party games-so it is a bummer for the younger kids.

At dd's party we're not doing games, just freeform play and crafts.

& I'm addressing the invites to her friends only.

[sagewinna]

In our circle of friends, we invite families, not just the kids. Everyone can participate in activities, if there are any.