All we have to do is relax to get pregnant...

[Astrid]

That was my doctors advice. :scratch Wow, that is so easy... All I have to do is relax! :duh I must have been tense for the past 14 months of ttc. Silly me.

Oh well. At least she gave me a form to get some blood tests and dh a swimmer test... I guess the tears in my eyes made her feel like she should send me for some sort of tests.

In the meantime, I will just relax... :rolleyes: :bang

[AdinaL]

AARRRGGGHHH!!!!! :splat

[pugmadmama]

Well, of course that's all there is too it! I mean, women who get pregnant during wars, they're relaxed. Ditto women who get pregnant in the grips of drug addiction or living with domestic violence. Very relaxed, one and all.

The "relax" advice is my favorite but a close second is "when you're really ready for baby, one will come!" The next person who says that to me gets a whack with clue-by-four.

It's funny (in a crazy making kind of way) how far outside the boundaries of logic and common sense people will go in a effort to avoid the fact that fertility is sometimes a completely unfair, inexplicable thing. Infertile women must be too tense and/or not really open to a baby! Yea, that's it!

[AdinaL]

Or it just isn't supposed to happen yet.

Another fave.

[Astrid]

Originally posted by pugmadmama

The "relax" advice is my favorite but a close second is "when you're really ready for baby, one will come!" The next person who says that to me gets a whack with clue-by-four.



Next time someone says that, ask them exactly what we have to do to be "ready" :confused: because I have never been so ready for anything in my life. After all this time, any little bit of self doubt, any little bit of fear or feelings of "is this the right time" are gone. I am ready!


AARRGGHHH :splat :bawl :angry
that is exactly how I felt...

[pugmadmama]

Originally posted by Astrid
Next time someone says that, ask them exactly what we have to do to be "ready" :confused: because I have never been so ready for anything in my life...

I believe you! You are ready! And if life were fair, you'd have your baby by now!

It just makes no sense. I have an 11 year old son (we had three miscarriages before having him and have not concieved since his birth). So here we are raising a child, but apparently we're not really "ready" for a child. Ooooooookay...

[gonnabeamom]

All those pregnant teenagers out there must be ready then . . .

Gadzookus! The advantages of not having told anyone we're trying. Except that some people know because of the m/c.

I can't believe you get that bullshit from a Dr.!!

Obviously not someone who does much fertility work.

Is "I'm sorry this is so hard for you" or "I'm sorry you're having trouble I hope you get your baby soon?" are these such hard things to say.

[carolynb]

Ladies - have we forgotten the oh so special "there must be a life lesson in all of this. Figure out what G-d is trying to tell you and then you will get pregnant!"

What's my life lesson? Do I not appreciate what I have? Do I not deserve this because I have not been grateful for what I have already been given? Am I greedy?

More guilt, more self-blame. :splat

[Astrid]

:hugs to all
At least we have this board to come to where we can be understood :)


I am so glad I was charting! When I told her my cycles were only 23 days now, she said that I must be Oing on day 9. So I whipped out my handy dandy chart and showed her that nope, I was Oing on day 15. She seemed shocked that I had some idea of what I was talking about and I think that helped me get the forms for the tests... although if they don't show anything I don't know where I will go from there. Basically, because dh and I conceived before, and nothing happened that she could see that would alter my fertility in the past 6 years, she doesn't see why I should have a problem... if I just relaxed...

:splat :angry :splat :angry :splat :angry :splat :angry :splat :angry :splat

[Astrid]

And thank you all so much for hearing my vent. I don't like to stress dh out about it (plus he is the type who always says the wrong thing) and I don't really have anyone else to talk to.
:love :hugs

[AdinaL]

Isn't charting nice that way? Can be very helpful!

The life lesson one is a good one...:splat

The worst one I got..."DO you think that G-d is trying to tell you that you aren't supposed to be a mom? Maybe you should stop trying." That was the first time I got so angry I had to walk away. I still haven't spoken to that woman.

[gonnabeamom]

Adina,

Who are these cruel little goblins!! What person in their right mind would think it was okay to say that to someone.

Astrid,

Do you have other options for a doctor? Because to be so clueless as to not recognize that secondary infertility exists, (which frankly I found out about before I started TTC) seems to show a depth of ignorance really disturbing in a health professional. 14 months is within all of the guidelines for starting to investigate fertility problems.


I hope you get pregnant while waiting for the results!

[Astrid]

:jaw :angry Adina :hugs I am apalled that someone could be so stupid and cruel. :crying :cuss :tsk :splat


The doctor I saw is one I have been seeing for quite a long time, but I don't live in the same city anymore. I live a couple of hours away where it is REALLY hard to find a female doctor (unless you are pregnant :rolleyes: ) and I wasn't comfortable seeing a male doctor. So I figured I would do the blood tests and see what she says and if they are normal (and dhs swimmers are normal) then... Im not sure yet.... beg a new dr to take me on :LOL

[Suzetta]

You need to go to a Reproductive Endocrinologist. They would never tell you something like that.

:)

Good Luck.

[EnviroBecca]

You need to go to a Reproductive Endocrinologist. They would never tell you something like that. If only that were true! I have been told by RE:
"Why bother [taking medication]? You'll probably never be normal."
"I don't believe you've ever ovulated in your life." [after previously telling me that bloodwork indicated I had ovulated]
"If you think you can get pregnant without my help, you're delusional."

They're not, in my unfortunately extensive experience, any more likely to be sympathetic than regular gynes. Oh, and the above was female, too---I'm always hearing that female doctors are more sympathetic, but it doesn't seem that way to me.

Astrid: While it certainly won't hurt to relax, I'm glad your doctor was willing to try some other stuff too!!

[Nada]

I used to say "Oh yeah, maybe if I relax, my tubes will just unblock!"

:duh

Very few people understand that 95 % of the time medical reasons cause infertility.

Besides, women in worn-torn countries (totally not a "relaxing" atmosphere) are getting pregnant. (as pugmadmama has mentioned) :rolleyes:

EnviroBecca - That was a very stupid thing for your RE to say, I would consider switching to another one...

At my clinic there are 5 male REs and one female. The female has horrible bedside manner (especially to those she doesn't know). She's fine with us but we've been her patients for 5.5 years now. Many don't like her "ways" at all but the way I see it, she's the best "technically" at the clinic. During an IVF, she can get more eggs than any other doctor there, and they all freely admit it. Sooo, that being said, I'd rather have competence than compassion if competence is going to increase my chances at a baby, KWIM? I don't look for or expect sympathy from them, they must be desensitized to all of this. Besides that's what dh and I are there for - each other.

Nada, mama to Brandan who was finally concieved after IVF #3

BTW - To those of you who get this advice from your family doctor or OB/GYN, it's time to switch - to an RE (reproductive endocrinologist)

Baby :dust to all of you!

[Astrid]

:scratch Im in Canada and have never heard of an RE. I've decided to give my dr another chance since she is willing to run some blood tests and see where it goes from there. In a way, I hope she does find something wrong and fixable. For some reason, it seems an easier path then if she doesn't find anything wrong because that would mean more tests...

I've been thinking about the relax advice, and while it is the WORST advice, I have found a way to apply it. When another cycle proves to be a bust, I can't get worked up and upset about it. For me, that is a time that I am better off "relaxed" so it doesn't take over my life and depress me. I am trying to take my time and be sad, then move on. Some days easier said then done but I am trying to not let ttc take over my life.

[carolynb]

Astrid, I always said that I was not going to let TTC take over my life. I saw other women lose their piece of mind over it. But then slowly over time, it did happen, and now it is my entire life. But I think it is a process, in other words I am here now, obsessed, but I view it as a stage in a gradual accepting of the state of things. It is a necessary process towards acceptance of reality for me. I know that this will not be my life forever, just for now.

I admire your ability to not let it take over your life!

[EnviroBecca]

Oh, don't worry, I left that RE almost 2 years ago, after she mistakenly diagnosed a fast-growing uterine fibroid as ovarian failure!!! :eek The only other RE I've seen (back when I was a teenager with infrequent periods) told me that if I did not bleed at least every other month I was going to DIE, and he induced that bleeding with painful intramuscularly injected progesterone at EIGHT TIMES the recommended dose, causing me unnecessary suffering, and he never gave me the patient info leaflet he was legally required to give to anyone taking the stuff. :splat None of the regular gynes I've seen have ever done anything so wrong! So I am a little bit down on these hotshot specialists.

When I left the RE, I saw a wonderful CNM for a while, until I'd had a chance to give natural conception a good long try, and then I went to a gyne who has experience with Clomid, which is probably what I need (currently awaiting test results).

[Astrid]

Originally posted by carolynb

I admire your ability to not let it take over your life!

Honestly, I am not there yet. I am working on it though. I tend to get obsessed about things and frustrated about things I can't control which is a bad combo for ttc. I found myself turning down fun opportunities because I might be pregnant and finding it especially difficult when I wasn't because I missed out on something I would have loved doing.

This board has been a great place for support.:hug

[Kerri-Jean]

Astrid, where are you? I've seen REs here in Canada, and you usually find them at fertility (IVF) clinics. They don't just do IVF there, and every major city or university seems to have a fertility center. It's worth the drive to see someone who has a clue!

As far as clueless comments, you can't get away from them when you adopt either! Before we had kids, people always said that if we just relaxed and went on a vacation we'd get pregnant. So the fact that women get pregnant from rape situations has no bearing? I'm sure that at least 95% of babes are conceived at home. Whatever.

These people are just uncomfortable with topics like this and try to make them go away by saying some trite thing. While we were trying to adopt, people said that everyone who adopts gets pregnant after. WTH? Again, this happens less than 5% of the time, but everyone remembers it because it's such a cute story. I sure wouldn't want anyone to go out and adopt a child just so they could conceive, like they REALLY wanted after all.

Yes, I get bitter. I know people are well-meaning, but it's just clueless of them. An infertility group I'm on calls them WeMBIs (Well-meaning but ignorant.) I think it's a very useful term!

Kerri

[daria]

I just popped into this forum to share a story of a couple I know, and I saw this thread. I just wanted to say I'm sorry people have said such ignorant things like "just relax." I will admit I obsessed over the idea of conception FOR YEARS, and charted and planned the optimal date of birth and date of conception, etc., all before we were ready to start trying. You never saw someone so obsessed. My friends used to tease me about it even. And then I conceived on the first cycle that we "tried." So obviously relaxation is not key. (Not trying to boast, just making a point.)

ETA: Sorry if this type of post is not welcome here, I wasn't sure, but thought I would share another perspective...

[faithlovelife]

My cholesterol level dropped by almost half when I left my stressful job, so it clearly affects my health when I relax. However, my SIL is a total wench who has screaming, nasty, physically abusive fits on my brother at least 5 times a week. She got pregnant with her first one in the first WEEK they tried. The second took a whole month of trying and she doesn't even know what a chart is. Clearly, if anyone needs to relax it is her!

Of course, when they were living with me a couple of years ago and I was trying to adopt, she told me I was "Lucky because I was having a baby the easy way." :angry I did not cause her physical harm because I figured adopting from jail would be hard. I shouldn't have worried, she held up the paperwork I needed from her so long the agency stopped placing kids in my state and I ended up not adopting. (long story!)

[apri4]

That is such a stupid statement...I hate when people say that. If all we have to do to get pg is relax...why many woman are pg as a result of rape ???