I was sitting in a visitor room at the hospital where my grandfather was dying and my daughter was overly tired and hungry, it was like 1:30 in the morning and I decided to close the door and nurse her (there was no one else in the room) a man came up to the door looked through the window then opened the door and said the door needed to remain open so if I needed to feed my daughter he could get me a bottle of formula from the post partum recovery floor. (he worked there) I told him I was okay feeding her with the door open and it didn't bother me. He said ok and walked off. about five min later a nurse came in with a towel and walked over to me and while saying "I wouldn't want you to be embarressed" she put the towel over my babies head. I stood up and took the blanket off and draped it over HER head and said "thank you, I am now much more comfortable." I pulled my shirt down and walked out and went to my grandfathers room. he died 15 min later. and I left the hospital. but now I feel really bad about the way I handled it. I feel like I was overly rude. But I have no way to contact her and apoligize I didn't see her name tag... Is there anything I can do to correct the situation or should I just let it go? what to you think?

I would try not to waste too much worry on it. Yeah, you probably could have made your point in a more gentle way, but, frankly, so could she. You were no more rude than she was--perhaps less, since she covered you up first.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this as well as the loss of your grandfather. :Hug

I am so sorry about your grandpa- but would *try* not to feel bad about it- easier said than done, but what they did was completely unacceptable, especially in a hospital to try and force you to ff because they didn't want to see you bf'ing- especially harassing you as your g-father was dying, reprehensible, they are the ones who should feel the guilt.

I am sorry for the loss of your grandpa. I too would not worry too much about this. She was wrong to harass ANY nursing mother -- and one with a loved one in the hospital? Terrible.

Actually...I think that's a pretty good way to get the point across. A complete stranger covering my baby with a towel of unknown origin totally crosses a line. You just did to her what she did to your child. Perhaps she'll realize how rude of a thing it was to do after she was subjected to the same treatment.

Honestly, I think you reacted perfectly appropriately, but I know how you feel... I often experience regret after I have an emotional reaction to something, even if that reaction is totally warranted and not at all inappropriate. You didn't take a swing at her, you didn't call her any names, and you didn't cuss. *She* was in the wrong, and you responded to her wrong-ness. Looking at it from the outside, I think you did great... but I know I'd be feeling exactly as you are had it been me.

I'm sorry to hear about your grandpa.

I also think you were completely justified to act as you did. She was in the wrong.

I'm so sorry for your loss *hug*

sorry for your loss :hug
i took think you handled it really well, the nurse was in the wrong not you imo.

I'm really sorry about your grandfather.

I think that what you did was understandable, but not appropriate. And I think it would make you feel better to do something to make up for it. A simple letter of explanation sent to the appropriate department of the hospital would be a nice gesture. It would very likely make that nurse revise the opinion she probably formed of you in that moment and establish a human connection.

Let it go. You were suffering, and she had no right to invade your space or your child's space. I am very sorry for your loss.

I'm really sorry about your grandfather.

I think that what you did was understandable, but not appropriate. And I think it would make you feel better to do something to make up for it. A simple letter of explanation sent to the appropriate department of the hospital would be a nice gesture. It would very likely make that nurse revise the opinion she probably formed of you in that moment and establish a human connection.

I disagree.

The OP was there at 1:30 in the morning...well after visiting hours. Obviously, she was there because there were extenuating circumstancues. In addition, she was the only person in the room. The nurse invaded both the space of a woman and her child - clearly, the nurse cared nothing of establishing any human connection whatsoever, so why on earth should the OP care about revising the nurse's opinion of HER?????

OP, let it go and move on with your life. Hugs.

I don't know, I suppose it's possible that the guy who told her the door needed to be open, told the nurse about it (being closed) and the nurse thought it was closed because the mother was trying to be 'discreet,' so brought the towel assuming she was helping a mother who wanted to be discreet, to be discreet within the hospital's policies (ie the door must be open, she may not have a blanket, I'll loan her a towel so she feels more comfortable).

It's hard to know.

OP, I think that in your shoes, I'd probably be worrying about this more than I would normally, simply as a coping strategy for dealing with the loss of my grandfather. :hug .... It's probably taking on larger significance for you than it had, in the nurse's reality. It's entirely possible, in fact, that she laughed about it later that evening.... :) Even though she may have been surprised at the time it happened.

I'm trying to think what I'd do, if I were you. If you're from that area and it's a small hospital, it's possible you could call the nursing supervisor for the hospital and thank her for the good care your grandfather received, and then tell her that you do want to talk with her about an incident - describe it, tell her that honestly you were in an emotional state that you don't know WHY the nurse may have been offering the towel, that you stand by your right to nurse wherever without covering, but that you wish you had handled it differently (if this is true, of course). (Or, that you would like her to talk to the staff about appropriate interactions with nursing mothers, if you don't feel your reaction was inappropriate).

I agree that you shouldn't feel bad at all! The nurse violated your personal space. Hopefully she'll think next time she goes to harass someone!

Also, if you're going to address anyone - you should write an open letter to the hospital about how horrible it is to undermine a breastfeeding relationship by offering formula and implying that breastfeeding is embarrassing.

so why on earth should the OP care about revising the nurse's opinion of HER?????

Well, because the OP clearly stated that she felt bad about the way she handled it. In situations like that, it can make us feel better about things to take that extra step. To show that we're a bigger person.

Isn't that what we teach our kids?

Also, if you're going to address anyone - you should write an open letter to the hospital about how horrible it is to undermine a breastfeeding relationship by offering formula and implying that breastfeeding is embarrassing.

:yeah That was completely out of line.

:hug I am sorry about your loss. :(

I would give the nurses a little slack here. I think that if you see someone close the door before beginning to nurse, it's not unreasonable to think that they might be uncomfortable nursing with the door open, and if they're in a situation where they're clearly not there by choice, it might also be reasonable to offer things to make them more comfortable. So, I'm not going to fault either employee for offering what they did. To me it's like the difference between asking someone to move to the bedroom to nurse in your home, and offering your den as an alternative to someone who asks if they can nurse in your bedroom.

However, I agree that draping the blanket over the baby's head wasn't the right way to offer it.

If I'm giving the nurses the benefit of the doubt, however, and assuming that they're acting from a place of compassion, I'm also going to assume that, like most people, they realize that the OP was grieving and exhausted, and think nothing of her response.

OP, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Thanks for the great opinions. I guess I just feel like if someone wants to be taken seriously they should act in an appropriate manner. I was upset that the man offered to get me formula, and even more upset when the nurse came in with the towel, but I think when trying to defend something as normal as breastfeeding it is important to act rationally so that people are more apt to listen and learn. I know in my life if some one is making a fool of themselves I won't listen but if they calmly and rationally convey their feelings I am much more willing to listen and absorb what they have to say weather or not I agree. I do agree that the nurse probably isn't half as bothered by it as I am. And maybe this is bothering me so much because I am using it to keep my mind off my grandpa. I just know that normally I am much more rational and really enjoy expressing my feelings and opinions in a non-emotional manner. I don't know, I feel bad because that was abnormal behavior for me, Maybe I will write a letter as suggested thanking them for the top notch care for my grandfather (which it was) and also mentioning (politely) my feeling on the breastfeeding situation. And I closed the door because the orderly's were pushing carts around that were squeeky and I was trying to get DD to go to sleep distraction free not because I wanted privacy.
Either way I still feel bad but not nearly as bad as I did this morning. Thank you for the support:thumb

Thanks for the great opinions. I guess I just feel like if someone wants to be taken seriously they should act in an appropriate manner. I was upset that the man offered to get me formula, and even more upset when the nurse came in with the towel, but I think when trying to defend something as normal as breastfeeding it is important to act rationally so that people are more apt to listen and learn. I know in my life if some one is making a fool of themselves I won't listen but if they calmly and rationally convey their feelings I am much more willing to listen and absorb what they have to say weather or not I agree. I do agree that the nurse probably isn't half as bothered by it as I am. And maybe this is bothering me so much because I am using it to keep my mind off my grandpa. I just know that normally I am much more rational and really enjoy expressing my feelings and opinions in a non-emotional manner. I don't know, I feel bad because that was abnormal behavior for me, Maybe I will write a letter as suggested thanking them for the top notch care for my grandfather (which it was) and also mentioning (politely) my feeling on the breastfeeding situation. And I closed the door because the orderly's were pushing carts around that were squeeky and I was trying to get DD to go to sleep distraction free not because I wanted privacy.
Either way I still feel bad but not nearly as bad as I did this morning. Thank you for the support:thumb

I wouldn't feel that badly about it. Maybe she'll remember that next time she tries to cover a baby without consent.

Try not to feel guilty because even if you feel like you didn't act in a way that was as tactful as you would have preferred, you were stressed and greiving and the nurse acted inappropriately. You acted in a perfectly normal manner for the situation.

I'm so sorry for your loss mama.

I don't know, I suppose it's possible that the guy who told her the door needed to be open, told the nurse about it (being closed) and the nurse thought it was closed because the mother was trying to be 'discreet,' so brought the towel assuming she was helping a mother who wanted to be discreet, to be discreet within the hospital's policies (ie the door must be open, she may not have a blanket, I'll loan her a towel so she feels more comfortable).

It's hard to know.

OP, I think that in your shoes, I'd probably be worrying about this more than I would normally, simply as a coping strategy for dealing with the loss of my grandfather. :hug .... It's probably taking on larger significance for you than it had, in the nurse's reality. It's entirely possible, in fact, that she laughed about it later that evening.... :) Even though she may have been surprised at the time it happened.

I'm trying to think what I'd do, if I were you. If you're from that area and it's a small hospital, it's possible you could call the nursing supervisor for the hospital and thank her for the good care your grandfather received, and then tell her that you do want to talk with her about an incident - describe it, tell her that honestly you were in an emotional state that you don't know WHY the nurse may have been offering the towel, that you stand by your right to nurse wherever without covering, but that you wish you had handled it differently (if this is true, of course). (Or, that you would like her to talk to the staff about appropriate interactions with nursing mothers, if you don't feel your reaction was inappropriate).

I like this idea.

I'm sorry for your loss OP.

Sorry about your loss.
Don't feel badly, i think it was a great response!
Maybe that nurse will think twice the next time she comes across a BF mother and tries to interject herself! Uh i probably would have told her off too. :o

Nala,
I think putting a blanket on the nurses head in that situation IS a pretty rational response. If more of us were as bold to do that in less stressful circumstances, people would 'get it' a lot sooner. I think the stress of the situation just made your values clear and instead of filtering your response through all the things that would be polite, or sympathetic you just acted. And you acted, imo, appropriatly and effectively for the way you were treated.

I'm not sure I would mention or apologize for your actions, but if you do want to write a letter about your grandfathers care, perhaps you could just add something how they can improve their actions around supporting breastfeeding mothers. I think adding your example and apologizing is just going to confuse the situation, but you could use your situaion (either generically or specifically) to help enact change in the hospital to support future breastfeeding mothers.

In sympathy,
Jessica

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Is it wrong that I feel like this: :clap:bow:twothumbs I wish I had the guts to respond like that.

I'm curious, how did the nurse react?

I am sorry for the loss of your grandpa. I too would not worry too much about this. She was wrong to harass ANY nursing mother -- and one with a loved one in the hospital? Terrible.

Also, if you're going to address anyone - you should write an open letter to the hospital about how horrible it is to undermine a breastfeeding relationship by offering formula and implying that breastfeeding is embarrassing.

I see the PP's point that it may not have been the best way to educate someone, but you were not trying to do that. You were simply responding to someone invading your space, and at a time that your emotions were raw.

Hathor would be proud. http://www.thecowgoddess.com/

I understand you feeling guilty about it, in a "treat others as you would like to be treated" kind of way, but I wouldn't worry too much about it. You were obviously under extreme stress. I'm sorry about your grandpa.

It's totally understandable that, given the situation, you weren't up to thinking of the most courteous possible way to get your point across. But I think you did fine- you did not curse at her or assault her, but instead just did to her exactly what she had just done to your child. That's pretty mild, when you think about it.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your grandfather.

I would think that she could have thought you didn't want to be seen, which would be why the door was closed (I imagine that the worker guy had told her?)
Maybe she put the towel over the baby because you were occupied and probably didn't have a free hand?
I'd like to think she was trying to help.
I wouldn't feel too bad about it though. She probably should have at least asked... like "I know you had the door closed and were asked to open it. Would you like a cover?"
I'm very sorry about your grandfather

I'm sorry about your loss, and I'm sorry you are feeling stressed out and guilty about this. Could you write a general note to the nurses there and just send it to that station? Probably everyone who works with her knows about it, I'd bet she's vented about it already.

She came and put a blanket on your babies head, saying she wouldn't want you to be embarrassed. She didn't ask, and she basically implied that you should be feeling embarrassed--I would have felt humiliated. And I would have been more than a little annoyed if someone who worked in a hospital would say if I needed to feed my child he could get me formula when he already saw me breastfeeding! I'm sure he meant well, but sheesh, I think that's sad for a hospital. Then again, I'm probably being over sensitive about it. I knew this woman who worked as a nurse and said in a bunco group one night that she took the babies and gave them bottles even if the mothers said no bottles, because she knew what was best and these new parents really didn't know anything, and the mothers were happy about it after the fact. So the kind of autocratic approach of just covering my baby's head without even asking me would really rub me the wrong way.

It was confrontational, but given what you were dealing with at the time, understandable. And it seems like the nurse could have anticipated that you might have had personal issues that would put you on edge at that moment. I wouldn't sweat it.

I'm sorry about your grandfather.

You have a really sweet heart. I think you can learn from this and prepare yourself in the case of something like this happening again (which I hope it won't!)

You were in a stressful situation and your reaction reflected that! don't beat yourself up. And good for you for standing up for your child's right.

ND

I am so sorry for the loss of your Grandpa. I too don't think you should sweat this too much. It seems like a reasonable response given the situation.


But, if you are thinking of writting any letters, something else stuck out in your post: the guy who tried to force formula on a breastfeeding mother works on the post-partum floor! His boss should probably get the harshest letter of all!

Your reaction sounds like something Hathor would do in her comic. I say you did the right thing, she should have asked if you required something to cover with rather than assuming you did and placing a potentially germy towel over your baby's head.

But, if you are thinking of writting any letters, something else stuck out in your post: the guy who tried to force formula on a breastfeeding mother works on the post-partum floor! His boss should probably get the harshest letter of all!

Her post was not clear on this. She said "he works there" I took that to mean he worked at the hospital. Why would he be on an adult ward if he worked on postpartum? I took it that he was just thinking of how he could HELP using the resources at the hospital. I think it's taking this too far to suggest anyone was "forcing her to use formula" How is OFFERING formula FORCING her to use it?

That said, I smiled when I read the OP, and thought that her reaction was not out of line.

If someone had done that to my first baby, she would like have startled whether awake or asleep, stopped nursing, and starting howling. It would have taken some time to calm her down, fill her up, and I likely would have missed my grandfather's passing.

I don't think you did anything appropriate.

An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.

Send a card to the floor/ward addressed to "the nurse whom I may have offended on such and such date". Explain the situation in the card, apologize and admit that you approached the situation poorly. I'm sure the nurse will appreciate it, and will also think twice before she does something like that again. I can tell from your original post that you regret your actions and would most definitely want to teach your own child to act in a respectful manner and not an implsive one.

My deepest sympathies for your loss. Hold your family tight:hug

I would give the nurses a little slack here. I think that if you see someone close the door before beginning to nurse, it's not unreasonable to think that they might be uncomfortable nursing with the door open, and if they're in a situation where they're clearly not there by choice, it might also be reasonable to offer things to make them more comfortable.

Um, she's a grow-up. If it made her uncomfortable, she could have (and did) shut the door herself. This is a classic case of someone trying to control someone else's actions because THEY are embarrassed. OP, I think what you did is kinda funny, and no big deal :)

I knew this woman who worked as a nurse and said in a bunco group one night that she took the babies and gave them bottles even if the mothers said no bottles, because she knew what was best and these new parents really didn't know anything

Are you %$#@ing kidding me?! And people wonder why we wanted to have a UC... WOW.

So this is what I did,

I wrote a letter to the ICU department thanking them for the above and beyond care that they provided my granfater and his family during his last days In a spereate letter I wrote a letter to the Hospital explaining the situation and apologizing for my un-thought out actions, and explaining why I was offended. I guess the nurse had told someone about it and the fact that I had written a letter got back to her bacuse she wrote me a letter with flowers and had it sent back to my home in GA. (this incident happened in CO) In the letter she went into great detail about how sorry she was for offending me and how that was not her intention and so on. she said in her letter when I walked out of the room she instantly felt bad for the way it went but couldn't stop laughing because of my reaction, she comended me for being so brave, I cried when I read that letter because it amazes me that she took so much time out of her day to do that for me and really it just seems like she did care and was trying to help me but it was a huge misunderstanding. I hope that I an be so lucky as to run into nurses that are that caring when my time comes for medical treatment. It makes me feel all warm inside that people still care. and yet agin this hospital has gone above and beyond ofr my family.

Thanks for sharing your update(-;

Wow, I read this thread, and first I felt mad and sad for how you were treated, and for the loss of your grandfather. I'm with those who think the way you handled it was fine.

It is not OK to cover up someone or their child without their consent.
It is REALLY FREAKING NASTY to tell a nursing mother to get a bottle of formula out of the blue like that.

I am really pleased to read the update. I think the nurse learned a valuable lesson that night, and I am glad she has such a good sense of humor as to be able to laugh about it and see the humor in how ridiculous she was being. Kudos to both of you, in my opinion!

I'm glad to hear there was a good resolution to the situation.

she said in her letter when I walked out of the room she instantly felt bad for the way it went but couldn't stop laughing because of my reaction, she comended me for being so brave,

i'm glad she thought it was funny!

i had to comment because the whole situation reminded me of my sig!
sorry for your loss :hug

Wow she laughed about it---awesome! I'm glad...but at the same time I think you did the right thing in writing that letter.

First, sorry for your loss! I know how that is!

But what that person did was wrong. I would have done the same thing. And yes I would feel bad but she invaded your space first.

I have had a few people say to cover my baby at the time with a blanket. One of the times, I was eating and said:
"I promise to cover her head if you also cover your head while eating."

end of discussion.