I can feel myself sliding back into it - how do I stop it??

[thechrysalis]

I am having a really hard time coping right now and can feel myself sliding back into my habits that I do when I am feeling my worst. I've struggled with depression on and off for a long time and started finally taking Paxil about 5 months ago. It worked like a miracle and I started feeling better right away, with none of the side affects I had while on Zoloft (took after the birth of dd).

I just had ds 4 weeks ago and I feel like a total failure as a mother. I feel like I just can't manage two and wonder what I was thinking when I got pregnant.
My dd watches Noggin all day long while I try to nap with ds - I feel horribly guilty about that but just can't deal with her right now. I hate dh - he is so selfish. When I look at myself in the mirror I am disgusted. We haven't left the house in days b/c I can't pull myself together half the time. I feel myself pulling away from my friends and others because I have nothing good to say. And the worst of it all, I actually told my beautiful baby to shut up last night as I was so desperate for some sleep. :(

How to I stop this slide? I'm already on Paxil. I already see a counselor on and off. My family knows I'm depressed but seemingly doesn't take it seriously. I don't know what else to do.

[EllasMama]

Wow, when I read that your babe is 4 weeks old I remembered that 4 weeks was the first time I felt inexplicable rage at my daughter. I wonder if there is some hormonal thing that happens around then or if it's just the sheer exhaustion catching up.

1 month is also about the time when people stop thinking that you just had a baby. They're all willing to help in early days but then it tapers off. Husbands go back to work full time, parents aren't visiting and cooking all meals, and pretty much everyone just forgets, as if 4 weeks is enough time to recover from something so huge!

Try to pick whatever family member you are closest to (like mom or a sister) and explain without trying to put on any sort of brave face what a hard time you're having. Ask for specific sorts of help (please watch my older child Tuesday, please bring me some dinner tonight, beg if necessary!). Ask them to understand how serious it is and how important it is that you try to avert a huge crash by having some serious help NOW. If your DH can help with this process, that'd be great. Maybe HE needs to fully understand how hard it is. I put on a brave face for so long, when I told my mom I was on antidepressants she said, "but you're not DEPRESSED." I should have asked for a whole lot more help earlier, I just had no idea how to. MAKE people take you seriously.

One more thing, it won't hurt your child to watch TV all day for a while. It's not like it's going to be 5 years from now and he'll have grown into the carpet in front of the tube. If you need to sleep, you need to sleep, and if the TV keeps your child safe and occupied, then that's really fine. Your body is trying hard to recover from birth and parenting a newborn. You are not expected to be supermom. To help with the guilt, ask other people to take your DD out to the park or wherever, so you feel like he's getting to do other things, but don't beat yourself up over not doing it yourself. If there is a teenager you trust in the neighborhood, see if they'll come over and play with DD for a low rate. That way you're in the house but DD is occupied. Teens can be fun playmates with lots more energy than grandma. When you're feeling better, you'll be able to do more stuff with DD. If you try to do too much too soon, it'll just delay the time when you'll really feel well enough to offer more options to your older child on a regular basis. Just think of the TV as a temporary thing.

If you're not feeling better after some more weeks have gone by, esp. if you've been getting lots more help, you might talk to your doctor about a different med. or other options.

I hope you're feeling better and getting more support really soon!!!

{{{Hugs}}}
Carol

[Jish]

There are many things that can effect they way meds work on your body. Perhaps you should look at upping your medication dosage, or switching meds to one that may work better with your metabolism now.

This isn't a time that I would want the depression getting worse, and anything you can do to cut it off now and get back on track will do wonders for you. Do what you have to to take care of yourself. A healthy mom equals a healthy family.

Hugs, and I hope you feel better soon.

[Drewsmom]

I totally know how you feel! I felt the exact same way. Why is it that people think a new mom only needs help the first 2 weeks? You need help at _least_ a month. At least I know this if there ever is a next time around. I felt the same way about letting my child watch tv all day long, "what kind of mother am I?" Then suffering the effects of tv watching which everyone seems to forget, yes it keeps them occupied at the time but they know that you're putting them off. Fortunately the first few weeks I think you can get the most mileage out of the tv.

You're not getting a lot of sleep and that makes the biggest difference I think. Try not to judge yourself too harshly as life is just not normal for a while but most especially the first two months. I didn't start to feel like I was back into the swing of things until after 3 months and even now this has been a sleepless week without dh due to his work and I feel like I'm back in it again too.

Don't even try to run errands yet, for some reason (myself included) I felt this need to be back to "normal" as far as schedule for my older child. But we just started going to story time again this last month.

I did find out about a wonderful program that our parks and rec. department runs called a "tot drop." No you don't leave your child, you stay with them and for $2 they can run all over the gym playing with balls and mats, etc. THat way he can get his energy out and then we can have "quiet time" when we get home.

I feel for you and *hugs*! It really, really does get better. Please go easy on yourself and give yourself time. Oh, also writing a letter to my dh to explain how completely exhausted and depressed I was helped a lot.

[hnybee]

I totally understand!!! You see how well women can sympathize??? Why can't men be built like that?? It seems I get more comfort from my girlfriends at a time of crisis than from my husband. That is frusterating.

I think DH should take some time off work (or perhaps your mother) and help you. If you got one SOLID nap a day in the afternoon, that would make all the difference. It took me such LONG time to learn that one. I thought: the baby is sleeping and my house is a mess. i can't take a nap, i've got soo much to do.

but you really do need to get LOTS of sleep.

also make sure you are not eating junk. junk and fast food will make your body not run as smooth. have somebody make a trip to the grocery store and buy some healthy food for you. no soda, fast food, or junk food. replace it with fresh veggies and other healthy alternatives.

make sure you are taking your prenatal vits. you are probably still bleeding, so you need to replace that iron.

my last suggestion is what saved me: a homeopathic remedy called Sepia 200c. 200c is the potency. you only take it one time and i swear that is what finally got me out of the fog.

hang in there! i wish i was there so i could give you a big hug and tell you it will be okay, because it really will be okay!!

NOW GO GET SOME SLEEP!!!!!!!!!!1

[Foobar]

As I am expecting my second in a few months, I am not sure what advice I can give you. Can you talk to your doc about changing your dosage? You are no longer pregnant, so the dosage you were on may not be cutting it.

As for the TV, I let Goo watch Nemo yesterday while I napped on the couch... I needed sleep.

Can you try to get a shower in so at least you feel better physically? I know that days I don't shower, I am more down....

Sorry about the DH part. I can't offer much advice on that...