I really miss her

[gossamer]

It has been 6 1/2 months since my daughter died and this week has been really hard. I have just been missing her so much. I miss being pregnant and I miss the jubilation that accompanied our anticipation of her birth. Did anybody else have an intense longing six months after their loss?
Gossamer

[gonnabeamom]

I lost a pregnancy, very early, but I am learning there is no time frame for grief. There is no right or wrong feeling.

I think you will find that you are not alone in missing your daughter so intensely, and I know you are not alone in missing the joy of being pregnant.

When I m/c the first time a couple of years ago, I had a small ritual at a favorite place in a park, and I still go there and talk to my special tree, about my longing to be a mother, or my confusion or my lonliness, or whatever is up for me. Perhaps there is some special place you can go or ritual you can do or rememberance that you have for Mary Rose that you can share with us or someone else in your life. I think these things help us remember and move forward.

[Arduinna]

(((HUGS)))

After I lost my pregnancy I felt a huge hole where our child should have been for a long time (read a few years). It was especially hard at holidays and other family special moments. It just wasn't as joyful as it could have been, I was reminded we were missing someone important.

It took a good 4-5 years for me to be ok with it but I think that was compounded by the infertility issues we had.

Give yourself as much time as you need. For myself the times I felt better started getting longer and longer as time went on.

[starfairy]

(((HUGS))) Its been 8 months & I'm still having a hard time. I get such extreme depression. Lately I have been getting all those offers for baby stuff for the new baby (why they are coming now,months after his actual due date, I have no idea!) -makes it harder.

I am so sorry you are going through this. The worst is, I think it is hard for anyone who hasnt been through a loss to understand that it is normal to still be hurting :(

Peace,
Anne-Marie

[queencarr]

Gossamer,

I find the intense longings to go in cycles, and if I focus on them long enough, can usually find the "trigger". For me, knowing that helps me to put things into perspective and helps me remidn myself that I won't alwasy feel so awful as I do at the moment. In thinking about the timing, is there a correlation to Mary Rose's conception date/when you found out you were pregnant with her and now? I thought I had anticipated all the "anniversaries", which helps me to deal with them, but the anniversary of Samantha's conception time frame took me by surprise, and actually hit me harder the past 2 years than most other significant dates. I'm so sorry you are hurting.:hug

[hmpc2]

Gossamer~

:hug Grieving goes in spurts and I agree with QueenCarr, it may be anything that can trigger it... I know that you pray, so if you can, you may find some comfort in that. All I can tell you is do what you feel you need to do. Cry, look at pictures, talk to friends, yell, scream, break cheap dishes, just please don't hold your grief in. Many hugs and prayers for you.

[XM]

I also have days that I really miss Xiola... and it will be two years this March since her birth/death. For the most part, my loss is becoming something that I can live with... but from time to time I still have a bad day. Like Arduinna said, I have found that as time goes by, there are more good days between the bad.

Longing is an excellent word for it. Xiola's death left such a void in our lives. My arms ached for her. Honestly, they still do. I will always miss my little girl.

At 6 months my pain was still so fresh... it hurts even to think about it. There is no timeline for grief. I don't hurt like I used to. But I still think about my daughter every day, and I still miss her so much. You'll never forget your daughter, but in time you will be able to remember her with less sadness.

:hug to you, Gossamer

[gossamer]

Than you all so much for your comments. Queencarr, yes I conceived Mary Rose on February 17th and got a positive test on March 3rd. So surprisingly, these events are affecting me. I also attended a homebirth last Thursday at a friend of mine and babysat the 4 year old while the momma labored. She had a baby girl. THis has just been a very rough week.
Gossamer

[SweetTeach]

Gossamer, I am with you on this one. I am coming up on 11 weeks and I have some days (like today) where I'm like: "OK, I'm better. Can I have my son now?" Today I started my 2nd period since having my son so I guess that's it. That, and realizing that next month will be when we we conceived. I watched A Baby Story today and of course that made it worse. It's like not being able to look away from a train wreck. I know I shouldn't, but boy do I envy those people happily anticipating their baby and they always get it in the end.
I have a very good friend who is planning a h/b for the end of April and I can't imagine attending. I've already warned her that I may not be able to see her for a while, esp if she has a boy.

This is so hard :( And you are very strong. (hugs)

[Irishmommy]

((((Gossamer))))

[KatherineinCA]

Gossamer,

I sure do remember the six-month mark. It was Mother's Day, and it was horrible. As XM said, the grief is still so fresh at six months. And especially as you are going through the anniversary of Mary Rose's conception, and your friend just had a baby. Sometimes it's too much all at once.

Love,
Katherine

[gossamer]

Sometimes it's too much all at once.
It really is. I am kind of back to the point of being angry at everyone for continuing on with life. The first month after Mary Rose died, I wanted to shake everyone and say, "Don't you know my daughter died?" I kind of feel like that now. "How dare these people go out and have babies when I don't have one?" And everyone I know IRL that has lost a baby, either already had one or has had one since, and I don't know if they remember how empty your arms can feel when you don't have any. I am just very sad right now. I thank you all for your wisdom and compassion and shoulders to cry on. God truly blessed me when he led me to this wonderful community.
Gossamer

[its_our_family]

:hug

I'm still so sorry for your loss... I think of you and your little girl often. I know that losing a baby is hard no matter when or how it happens. Hpwever, I think in some instances it is a more substantial loss. I cannot imagine going through what you have gone through let alone being ok with it all in 6 months. I can totally understand why it is still so fresh and how your anger comes back.

I'm glad you have a support system here.

I hope your pain is soften at least a little in the nest week or 2. I know it will bring back some hard memories for you. I'll be praying for you...

[arthead]

An amazing auntie of mine sent a poem once (still don't know WHY she sent it to me) that was about those babies who need pure love only for a minute or two. Anyone ever read that one? If so, please list it...

***The babies who need love, even if it is just for one minute of our time, will be fulfilled their destinies... you'll help take them to their realm of peace with your pure love & deliver them to the next plane of life, fulfilled & strong. & by being brave & caring enough, you will be blessed with eternal peace yourself, whilst your time on this plane may be tormented with grief or anxiety.***

Gossamer, I will post the full poetry when I find it... I truly can't imagine your depth of sadness. hug, take care of beautiful you. She's so peaceful in her photos.

[MaryKate]

gossamer-:hug