Adopted child seeking birth parent

[steelmagnolia4]

Hi there, I hope this is the right "spot" for this question.

I am the birth mother to my 14yo DD. Her birth father is not in the picture and hasn't been since I left him when she was 7 months old. He relinquished his parental rights when she was 2 and I had them officially terminated a year later (in Arizona, this was a 2 step process... he could relinquish but I had to consent to the termination. I considered it for a year before going ahead). DD has been raised by my DH since she was a year old, we have been together for 13 yrs.

She has always known that she is not my DH's birth child and I have always kept the communication regarding her birth father open and as honest as I could (I don't feel it is in her best interests necessarily to say that he was an abusive drunk during the time I was with him, kwim?). However, the past few years she has had questions that I can no longer answer. Mostly they are of the "Do you think he thinks about me?, Do you think he remembers my birthday?" type questions. She also wants to know things that I think of as "identity" questions ie what is his favorite color - thinking that perhaps they share things like that. She is aware that she looks very much like him as I have given her the few photos that I have of him. She also knows that he has a son who is a few years older than her that he raised from about age 6 until now (I assume. We have had NO contact with him since she was 2, any information that I have of him has come through my mother, who speaks to HIS father about once a year. Former FIL and his sister are the only ones who keep in contact with gifts and occasional photos that they send on her birthday and holidays). I believe it very much weighs on her mind that her birth father has a child he "kept" while he let her go.

Recently she asked me if we could attempt to find him and get in touch with him so that she could ask him the questions she has for him. I have no idea if he would be open to that contact and it does worry me what his responses to her might be re: the "why did you leave me" question. My belief is that he did not want to pay child support and because he lived far away from us and would have been unable to visit her often, he chose to allow my DH now to raise her and be her father. I'd like to think that he did it because he loved her enough to want the best for her, but I don't really know.

I'm afraid to open this door right now. Not only because of my fears of allowing him back into her life when I no longer "know" him and he has not been a parent to her at any point in her life, but because adolescence is a rough time anyway and I don't know that adding the angst of this would be such a good thing. I have always maintained that when she was 18 I would fully support her finding him and trying to have a relationship with him if that is what they desired. I have felt she would be mature enough then to handle whatever might come by opening the door to him. But she recently told me that she thinks of him daily in at least some way and that she doesn't necessarily want a relationship with him but to get her questions answered, although she would like to have the option of getting to know him if she wants to.

I just don't know how to handle this. I'm not adopted, I don't know anyone who is in this situation who has advice for me. I don't want her wandering through the next 4 yrs with these questions haunting her and causing more pain than perhaps getting them answered would. I have read of the "wondering" that some adopted children have and how they so badly want information about their birth parents, but I don't find anything that pertains to my situation.

I'd appreciate any input or feedback because I feel as though I just don't know where to begin with this. Oh and my DH is of the opinion that we should allow her to contact him but he also understands my concerns. He is pretty much letting me handle this.

[sharqi]

i went through this identity crisis thing when i was a teenager. i did not see my birth dad until i was seven, and had minimal contact with him until i was ten. then i didn't see him again until i was 14 or so. we talked & wrote letters on & off for a few years.

he was a jerk. it was hard on me, being rejected again by him. years later, i found out that he was not really my dad, so he had good reason to ignore me (i guess).

after drilling my mom, i finally found out my "real" birth dad's name & got in touch with him. i had contact with him for a year or two before he too stopped responding. that rejection was very hard to take, but by then i was 21, married & didn't really need a dad.

and i'm not sure what to tell you! although it's not a pretty picture to tell that he was an abusive drunk, that is a really good reason to have him out of her life & a good reason why he would not be involved in her life. but that can be hard for a kid to understand.

really, i think it's her choice to make. but, i'd really be honest about everything with her, no matter how painful. painting a pretty picture & then finding out the rotten truth can be more painful than just knowing the rotten truth to begin with. my mom hid from me the identity of my birth dad because it would have hurt, but i think i would have been better off knowing from the beginning.

your daughter will have to go through dealing with this at some point. i guess her maturity at this age will play a factor as well. the fact that your daughter has a loving step-father will help in any rejection issues. i was raised with my grampa & he was my main father figure for my life. looking back, he was a much better dad than either of the bozos who had the title.

good luck. be honest & supportive...and hope for the best!

[T. Elena]

I'm going to give some thoughts based on my experience growing up with alcoholics -- my dad was a "classic" type of constant binge drinker with a tasty temper, my mom was a steady, self-medicating-for-depression kind of drinker, and my stepfather was the fantastically-drunk-practically-all-the-time kind of drinker.

Since your daughter is 14, she needs to learn sooner rather than later about alcoholism, since it has affected her life in profound ways and she is, statistically anyway, at increased risk for addictive problems (there is some evidence that this is partly genetic, but of course environmental factors are very important, too).

I suggest that you start talking to her about this topic, and come clean about your former husband's problem. I don't know if you need some help getting yourself clear on this before you begin (I can only imagine it's extremely difficult and emotional, given what you went through). But your daughter will need to know that he had, and may still have, some very serious problems that profoundly affected your relationship. Ultimately, understanding the dynamics of alcoholism will help her understand that the abandonment/rejection (esp. if she does contact your former husband and he repeats this pattern with her) are not reflections on her or her worth.

Maybe if you need extra support to do this it might be helpful to go to some Al-Anon meetings or hook her up with Ala-Teen? That would certainly be more cost-effective than professional counselling, although that could be an excellent route, too, if you can afford it and you think it's a good fit.

One way or another, I think it would be helpful for you to get yourself in an emotional position to talk about your former husband candidly and with compassion for him. He sounds like a sick guy who did some awful things, and you have every right to have strong negative feelings about him. But to support your daughter, I think you need to find a way to get her a dose of truth in as gentle a manner as possible. If you don't think you can talk about your former husband with a good dose of compassion, even if it's mixed with some anger, I think you need to call in some help from a professional counsellor familiar with substance abuse or at least from Al-Anon.

[gus'smama]

Hi there -- I used to work as a post-adoption case manager so I'll give you input from that perspective :)

Your dd is at a very typical age for wanting to "search". It is all about forming identity, and definining oneself in comparison to ones family. A lot of the families I worked with were *very* hesitant to search w/ their kids at this age, often due to issues w/ the birth parents (most families i worked with had adopted foster children). One thing to keep in mind is that if you have your dd wait until she is 18, you won't have any real control over the process. If you let her start now, you'll be there to support her, and to put the brakes on if needed.

I would also encourage you to start giving her a more complete picture of what birth dad was like when you knew him, when she was living w/ him. That may or may not change her mind about wanting to find him, but at least it will give her a clearer idea of what to expect from him.

Finally, IME, kids really need to discover their birth parents weaknesses for themselves. It does hurt, but in the long run is healthier than imagining and idealizing. It is not an easy process, but my guess is that she'll be better off working through it now, while still living at home w/ you and dh to give her love, support and guidance.

HTH

[sarahtar]

Hmmm...here's my opinion based on my personal experience. I was adopted as an infant, and always knew that was the case. Around 12 or 13 I started getting really insanely curious about my birthparents. It consumed me.

But I couldn't find anything out until I was 25, the age at which my state of birth deemed me to no longer be a minor child. (Yes, for everyone else, it's 18, but for us adoptees, it's 25 in that state.)

Anyway. I asked my mom questions, but she didn't really want to talk about it and certainly didn't want to authorize anything with the agency or the state so I could find out more.

In all honesty, her avoidance of the subject made me wonder what was wrong with me. What was she trying to hide? What was so awful in my past that she didn't want me to know?

And it just fueled the obsession. I remained obsessed until I turned 25, when I took the steps necessary to find information.

Shortly after my 25th birthday, I learned my birthmother's name and address. I didn't contact her for 6 months. Partly, just having her name (and finding her address and phone number) was all I really needed. Knowing that there was a real woman out there who really did give birth to me. I have since contacted her and we've exchanged a few letters, but nothing warm and fuzzy and I doubt we'll ever meet.

But I really desperately needed to know that she existed. Because before that, it was like I suddenly appeared out of a black hole. I wasn't born, I just came into being somehow. The desire to know just consumed me. I thought about my birthparents daily. Not knowing is much worse than knowing.

Obviously, your daughter has you so it's a little different. The types of questions she's asking are absolutely normal for someone that age who doesn't know one or both birthparents. If she is otherwise well-adjusted, I don't personally feel that at least trying to locate her birthfather would do any harm. Perhaps you could share your concerns with her, and establish a rule that she can exchange letters but you don't want any physical contact until she's 18.

If nothing else, your willingness to discuss things openly and honestly with her will likely mean a LOT to her.

JMHO.

[EFmom]

But I couldn't find anything out until I was 25, the age at which my state of birth deemed me to no longer be a minor child.

Wow, that is so lousy! I wonder what the reasoning is behind this bit of stupidity?

[Skim]

Well, I have just my own experience as an adopted daughter to draw from. I would want my search supported by my parents. If your adolescent says she wants to know, trust that. She must think she's ready, and you can be there to support her on her journey. Knowing the truth now will help her deal with whatever happens, and will allow her to heal and grow as necessary.

Since my birth mom died before I could contact her, I strongly recommend that adoptees seek their birth parents when they are ready, even if it's before the state says they're old enough to do so on their own. Respect her process and her own readiness, and parent her through this step.

Thank you for bringing this to the boards. Your love for your daughter will help you through this difficult step.

[Emilie]

I found my birth mom when I was 20. She is a nice lady who gave up another son four years prior to me. IT was a confusing time... when I found her- I was going through alot too.
Anyhow- I do not keep in touch with her now- only occasionaly-
I do not have any answers- I am glad that I found her- but have no interest in finding him....the birth father.
All he did was donate sperm.
I would definetly keep the talking going... It is great that she feels comfortable talking to you about this. Maybe you could find someone for her to talk to that had gone through a similiar thing. I would- even though my situation is different. My birth mom is an alcoholic too.
Anyhow- Let me know if you have any questions for me.
Emilie