I need an appropriate way to handle this.....

[deanawo]

I am due at any time now. My little sis is due at the end of May. She lives about 8 hours away. I just found out that she spent last night in the ER. They are going to admit her today b/c they can't stop her contractions. If they can't get them stopped she will lose the baby, it is just too early. I feel so very bad for her, this is just awful. I am not going, my doc says it is too far away, plus I don't want her to look at my big belly & feel even worse.

I am going to call her tonight after we know one way or the other. Any words of wisdom? I am so afraid that knowing I am pregnant & that my baby is fine/full term will rub salt into the wound. What should I say? She is just a baby herself, this will be very hard on her. It was an oops baby, she is unmarried & 19 but still she/we loved & wanted the baby. TIA

[iris0110]

First I wanted to say that I am sorry your family is going through this. It is a really hard situation. I also wanted to add that there is a small chance that a baby delivered this early will survive. Modern medicine has allowed babies born as early as 20 weeks to survive, and the chances go up greatly starting at 24 weeks.

Whether the Dr's can stop her labor or not your sister is going to need all the suport she can get. She will need to know that you love her and are there for her in any way you can be. When I lost my daughter my Sister in Law was pregnant. In fact she still is and she is due on the same day that I was. She called me in the hospital to talk with me and ask if I would be all right seeing her. She even offered to stay away until after she delivered her baby if it would help. Dh and I decided we wanted to see our whole family, and so she came out to Arawyn's funeral. We also saw her for Christmas and have seen her a few times since. I have to admit it was hard to see her right after losing Arawyn, and I still feel a little jealous when I see her now, but in hard times family is so important. I know your sister will want to talk to you and will be glad that you cared enough to call.

I hope I helped at least a little bit. You obviously care about your sister very much. Please keep us updated on what happens.

[deanawo]

Thank you so much for your response......they finally got the contractions stopped. She was sent home, on bedrest. For now the baby is ok. I am bookmarking this post, so I can reread your response if I need it. I really feel awful for her, I know she is scared to death. If they can keep her pregnant just a few more weeks the baby will have a better chance.

I appreciate you sharing your story. :hug

[SamuraiEarthMama]

if she does lose her baby (or even just after the ordeal of the hospital and whatever treatment she's getting today), really what she needs is someone to talk to and let her feelings out, without judgement or question.

let her talk as much as she needs to, and remember that things tend not to "hit" us right away... she might be in shock, or just overwhelmed with all the medical stuff going on. it will be in a few days that she'll need to start processing what has happened to her, and then weeks after that when she will have to reconcile the events of today... that is when she will most need your love and support.

of course, call her now and offer your shoulder to cry on... but don't be hurt if she is unavailable now. keep checking in, and know that deep inside she knows you are there for her, even if her voice seems distant and unaware.

how fortunate she is to have you as a sister, and we will keep hoping for the best for both of you!

katje

[gonnabeamom]

I pray that you both have healthy happy babies, and this becomes the ultimate moot point.

I would just repeat that if she does loose the baby, you have to ask her what she wants.

I've been reading the boards about this for a couple of years, since I knew I was going to have kids eventually, because my sister has fertility problems. Now that I've joined her in that it's even more complicated. It's quite common that it's hard or women after a loss (or during infertility) to be around pregnant women and babies, but it's not universal.

Being around the babies of close friends, babies I can hold and talk to, and play with has been an enormous comfort to me. Stranger's babies are what make me sad and envious.

I also remember very strongly a post on another board by a woman who had been deeply hurt when a friend who knew she was struggling with infertility, took her aside and announced her pregnancy in solemn tones as if it was bad news. This woman had trouble with the idea of infertility as a defect, and felt as if her friend saw her as defective.

All of which is to say, you have to follow her lead, and see how she feels. I would invite her to events so she doesn't feel excluded, but let her know that you won't be offended if she doesn't feel like she wants to.

[iris0110]

I am glad to hear that they have been able to stop your sisters contractions. I'm sure being on bedrest won't be fun for her, but even a few weeks could really help the baby. If you have time during the day you might try and call and talk with her. I am sure it would help break up the monotony of her day spent in bed. You also might try sending flowers or a special movie or treat she can enjoy while on bedrest. I will be thinking of you and hoping both you and your sister have healthy babies.

[deanawo]

Thank you everyone. What thoughtful people you are! I have taken all of your advice seriously. I try really hard to be a good sister. Although in my family we make no difference or even speak about it, she is a stepsister. This makes things a little trickier due to us trying to always stay out of the battle of the ex's & staying close without getting involved in our parent's issues. I try to always be supportive, especially since she is quite a bit younger than me (I am 11 years older)

So far she is still doing ok.