Trying to get ready for #3

[Lisa Lubner]

salaam

i just don't know how to shake this... every time i see a birth (on tv or whatever), every time i THINK about giving birth, i get so overwhelmed and i start to cry. my last birth was a traumatizing homebirth-turned_emergency caesarian. the hospital staff was HORRIBLE to me... they didn't listen to me, when i refused an internal fetal monitor the doc said "let me ask you this, if you didn't want our help why did you bother coming here?" (the baby's heartbeat was strong through the whole labor and she came out of the emergency with perfect apgars)... i feel like my modesty was violated... granted, they didn't know i was a muslim, and it was a teaching hospital so this is standard... but there i was bleeding to death and half naked and there are strange men in the room doing nothing but staring at me (one dude was even chewing gum). there is a whole lot more that they did, but i don't want to type it all out... :cuss

i don't think i'm upset about having to have the surgery, because it really was a true emergency... or i guess i COULD be upset about it in a disappointed-i-didn't-get-to-homebirth way. i just don't know... i can't get through a single appointment with my midwife without breaking down. i really want to deal with this and get it out of my system so i can enjoy my next birth (in july). i LOVE childbirth... when i had my first it was a normal natural birth and i felt like superwoman. when i had zahra i just got knocked out and then woke up later in so much pain... i don't even remember the first time i saw her. :crying

i don't know if this counts as PPD, but i really don't know how to deal with this. should i see a therapist or something? i'm also gonna post this in the VBAC forum.

thanks in advance,
lila

[EllasMama]

Yes, you should definitely see a therapist. Personally, I think EVERYONE - even perfectly happy people - can benefit immensely from a good therapist, but since you're suffering and unable to make progress, a therapist could really help guide you through. The key is to find a good therapist, preferably one who works with women's/mothers' issues. Ask around and your midwife or friends might know someone great.

Another suggestion I thought of is to contact a certified Birthing From Within mentor. They are typically childbirth course facilitators, but I'm sure you can find one who'll help you use art and visualization to "recover" from your traumatic birth experience. You can search for someone in your area at www.birthingfromwithin.com.

It sounds like you have a lot to work through, and you CAN work through it. Until you do, the sadness will continue to resurface. After you've worked through it, you will still feel disappointed that things didn't turn out as you'd hoped, but you'll eventually be able to accept the event for what it was and feel strong again.

One part of your recovery might be to write a letter to the hospital expressing your concerns over your treatment - but you may want to start working through things a little before writing, so you can be clearer and stronger about how they screwed up.

Blessings and strength to you, incredible mama.

Carol

[Lisa Lubner]

salaam carol

thankyou so much for the reply. :)

i LOVE the birthing from within approach... i actually took level one of their childbirth educator training a little over two years ago. i was going to continue with the program, but decided to have another baby instead. the midwives office that i go to actually offers a childbirth course that does some BFW stuff, and i plan on taking it. and i HIGHLY recommend that anyone who is interested in the book should go to their classes if possible, because their approach has evolved in a few ways since the book was published.

again, i do appreciate the advice... i am really looking forward to this birth, and i hope that i can deal with this for the sake of my own sanity! :)

khalilah

[EllasMama]

That is so cool - I signed up to take the BFW level 1 training in March! I was interested in teaching birth education classes when my daughter was younger, but I couldn't be away from her to do the training. Then at 19 months, I got derailed by depression. Now, a year and a half later, I'm finally better and going to do it. Sometimes those dreams just have to go on hold, don't they? :)

Best of luck, let us know how your journey goes.

Carol

[Foobar]

I would talk to someone so you can release that fear before you labor again.

It cannot make for a good experience this time if you hold the fear and anger of last time.

Can you go to a different hospital? Or perhaps write up an emergency health plan that your DH can present and fight for in the case of an emergency? See if your mw can direct you to someone who can help you heal....

Are you doing another homebirth? If yes, then definately have a list set up for what interventions are needed for an emergency and which you don't want.

Good luck!
Shalom!

[Lisa Lubner]

salaam

ellasmama- have fun in your training. it was an AWESOME course... you will learn so much about yourself in addition to the techniques that they teach. it was SO much fun for me.

foobar- thankfully i am going to a different hospital. i moved about a year ago to NJ, which statewide has HORRID c-sec/vbac statistics... BUT the particular hospital and midwifery practice i'm going to have GREAT statistics... way below what the WHO considers to be acceptable. the hospital also does waterbirths and has nice private LDR rooms. i wanted to try to do a HBAC but unfortunately they don't allow that in NJ anymore... so it was either an unassisted (which i am not ready for) or the midwives.

i am going to start looking/asking around for a good therapist that is experienced in this sort of thing. i will keep you all posted. :)

thanks again!

khalilah

[Foobar]

How are you doing? I've been thinking about you!