8 yo son still sleeping with me

[EvolvingMama]

Hi everyone,

I'd like some feedback on this issue. I've been divorced from my son's dad for about a year and a half and we have joint custody...one week with me, one with his dad, same school, small community, as friendly a set up as possible. Elisha has always slept with us, nursed until he was almost 2, was attached, etc... Now I am wondering if it's appropriate for him to still be sleeping with me now. It's still a tender, reconnecting time for us, but he and his dad don't sleep together much anymore. I feel like I may be caught in a catch-22. I want him to develop more independence and self-confidence, and to enjoy his own space at night, but then again I know in my heart that I can't force that to happen. So the way I am handling it is letting him know it is OK for him to sleep with me, but inviting him to play with me in his room more often, and to give his bed a try when he's ready. Has anyone had an older child sleeping with them in this kind of situation? I suspect he's going through some gender-awareness changes and feels sad that we're not all together anymore. Should I worry about this co-sleeping still or just let it work itself out (as everything seems to, anyway)? I don't want to shame him. I guess the bigger issue is that I would like to see him feeling more self-confident in general in his life. He's very bright and does well in school, is curious, has some good friendships and lots of love in his life. He just seems unhappy in some elemental way.

ANy ideas?

Laurie, mom to Elisha (1/26/96)

[Suzetta]

I think it is nice that you are aware of his changing needs, and are taking care to make it a gentle transition for him. I recall a cosleeping family member who had her son sleeping with her at six, and another member told the kid "You still sleep with your mom? Only sissies sleep with their moms" It was a very hurtful thing for the child.

Better to have the transition be a positive influence than somebody teasing him and making him feel ashamed over the whole thing.


About his sadness....Do you think that possibly he is finding it difficult to deal with the separation of his parents. I am sure that it must be a difficult thing for children to come to terms with. He is very lucky that he has sensitive parents who try to get along.

[wwhippetcrazy]

My youngest brother slept with my mom until he was almost 11/12....he had alot of health issues as a babe (has auto ammune hymalitic anemia sp?) , and I think it benefitted both of them. No one ever said anything about it....

My girlfriend's daughter and her slept in the same bed until she was 13...she's an only child and girlfriend said that they would talk about all kinds of things...school, problems she was having...and just connect more then they did during the day. I think it is awesome....I should add that my girlfriend slept in her Dd room...

Maybe you can lay in his room with him...talk and cuddle and then go to your room when he falls asleep...and let him know that he can come to your room anytime.

I dont' really know what to say....it will be a sad day when my kids are in there own rooms...I'm sure you know what I mean...
Best of luck to you...
Jen

[L.J.]

My nephew is going to be 10 or 11 this year and still really needs to sleep with his mom most nights. He starts out in his room and then transitions to hers through the night. His parents are divorced too.

My son is almost 6 and is still in my bed. My youngest is 2 and when I stop nursing I plan to move them into a bed together. I'm not sure how that will go. My oldest has shown some signs of readiness, so I will follow his lead.

I think you have to do whatever feels best. It really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or says, it's more about what he needs.

[EvolvingMama]

Thanks, everyone. I appreciate your reassuring words. Since I posted my question, I've been thinking more and I honestly am also glad we sleep together still. It's good for both of us, although I do like having the bed all to myself when he's with his papa! Yesterday, we got some new sheets and a comforter in the mail (a birthday splurge for myself!) and it was great trying them out. I will re-introduce the idea of me sleeping with him in his bed sometime soon, just as an option to try. We've done that before. I guess I can see his wanting to co-sleep still as a sign that he DOES feel connected to me and like he can communicate. Lots of talking happens at night. So thank you.

Another we just started trying, to help him feel more continuity between the 2 households, is bringing his 2 dogs who live full time with his dad up to our house this week, while his dad is out of town. It is a small change, but it's amazing the difference it is making!

I love to hear everyone's experiences, so keep them coming! It's good for all of us to hear.

PEace,
Laurie

[Jentle]

I slept with my mother until I was almost 14, and that only changed because I moved in with my dad...
Looking back, the only time it bothered me was when I got scared outside people would think I was 'weird.' Normal kid stuff.

Some of my best childhood memories are of sleeping with my grandmother when I'd go visit... :) Or laughing with her while we waited to fall asleep is more the case.

[boycrazy]

Our kids rotate between their beds and ours.They are 2 and 5. They always lay by us to fall asleep no matter what bed they are in. They don't mind now if we transfer them but always know they can come to ours.If we really want our bed to ourselves we just go to their bed while they fall back asleep.

[stonelove]

I always co slept with my mommie...as I got older I gradually would sleep in my own bed, but whenever I wanted to I could get in with my mommie. I didn't sleep with her at all in high school but then when I went away for college and would come home for visits, I always slept in the bed with her even though there was another place in the house I could sleep. It was always the best time too, because we would talk laugh watch tv tell stories just be together. Even when I took my then fiance to visit my mom I would sleep in her room for the first part of the night. Granted part of this was because we lived so far away. Now that I am married and my mom has moved in with us I never sleep in her bed, instead I have my son in bed with us...the cycle continues....

so that's my story....but I can see how it might be harder for a little boy. talk to him and see how he feels about sleeping together. keep it light and easy just ask what does he like about it etc...once you know more about how he feels it is easier to go from there...

good luck

[Mizelenius]

I didn't co-sleep with my parents much as a child, but when my dad died (I was 13) my sister and I slept with our mom a lot. It just seemed natural, and I would've felt more abandoned had we not done it. I know you feel like it's weird BECAUSE you're now divorced, but maybe that's exactly why DS needs it. As long as he knows he's free to sleep where he wants (inc by himself) I see no harm done.