My friend's baby died

[Journey]

My neighbors (good friends) baby died at 33 weeks. The details I got from our mutual friend isn't clear. Either she ruptured or the placenta became detached, or it was placenta previa. The mother bled pretty bad from what I heard. We were good friends who drifted apart a couple months ago because of conflicting schedules at college and work and because of the cold dark dreary weather.

I don't know the details about what happened. Should I go over there or should I give them space?

[robugmum]

So sad.:crying I understand wanting to give them space but still wanting to connect. How about sending or dropping off a beautiful handwritten note that lets your friend know you are thinking about her and her family. Maybe a few days later you could call her home and offer to bring over a meal or something. This way she will know that you care but won't feel crowded or overwhelmed if she wants to be left on her own for a bit.:hug

[Irishmommy]

At least write them a note. I personally would rather my friends came over though.

I'm so sorry.

[lisamarie]

I am so sorry:hug. Calling and offering to stop by with a meal, a hug and a card would be wonderful. what a thoughtful friend.

warmly-

lisa:love

[Jacque Savageau]

I'm so very sorry. Losing a child is very hard. It's especially difficult when a child dies before or shortly after birth because nobody got to know the baby . It seems especially hard for people to know exactly what to do?

Unfortunately, in the case of a stillbirth the actual cause is often never uncovered. The sad truth is that they may never have a concrete answer as to why things happend as they did. It's polite to aske and listen, but I found it very difficutl when people pryed me for answers that I didn't have. It made me feel so lost.

Having had a child that was stillborn, I'll try to give you my perspective. Of course every person is going to go through their loss differently, but one thing you should do is be there. Call her, stop by send a note.

Find out what they named the baby and call the baby by name. Use the baby's name often when talking to them. It really validates them as parents and their child who they deeply loved.

Did they have a funeral for the baby? If so, try to attend and show them your support.

Can you take a meal to them? Do they have other children that they may need help with?

The comming months will be very hard on them. Try to remember them with a phone call or a little note to let them know you have not forgotten their precious child.

It's so wonderful that you want to be there for them :hug Don't worry that the two of you drifted for a time, by comming back now and showing your support you'll be able to strengthen your friendship.

I'm going to move this to the Pregnancy and Infant Loss forum so it can get more responses. You may also want to read some of the threads or the sticky at the top of references.

Best wishes to you and your friend :hug

[AnnMarie]

:crying That is so sad. I'd maybe send over a nice card or something. If it were me I don't think I'd want company, but that's just me. You could always just call and ask if she needs anything or would like some company.

:hugs

[taradt]

((hugs)) for you an for them...

the only other thing i have to add is to also think of them/ask how they are doing in a few weeks/months. it seems a lot of people are good at the right away condolences and then people seem to forget about it, or try to avoid the discomfort of asking the family how they are. the pain will still be there and probably still very fresh for many months to come

tara

[KatherineinCA]

In addition to the other good suggestions here, I know I struggled especially each month on the day my baby was stillborn. For the first six months particularly, each "10th" felt like I was living through his death again. When I told some friends and family what was happening, they made it a point to call or e-mail on the 10th, and it helped so much to know that Kevin was remembered and that I wasn't alone. So make a note of the day they lost their baby, and send a note, or call, on that day. Also, Mother's Day will be really tough for them, and flowers on that day would be very appreciated, I am sure.

I'm so glad you want to reach out and support them.

Love,
Katherine

[Freckles]

Dear Journey, I am so sorry for your friend b/c the same thing happened to me in April 2003. My 2nd pregnancy, conceived through IVF. We wanted this baby so badly!

My placenta abrupted and I almost bled to death. I was rushed into emergency c-section at 31wks and delivered a beautiful 3lb 14oz baby boy. He lived for one hour and then died while I was still waking up from the anesthesia. We had to plan his funeral and pick out his burial clothes. :crying

I sat around in my nightgown for months, still carrying emotional and physical scars.

I can't answer for your friend but I think it would be so nice if you baked some cookies and took them to her with an inspirational book or novel! She may not want to talk but at least when the shock wears off she will always remember that you came by and that you cared. Maybe you can continue to pop by b/c others will fade away and she will have very lonely days. I'm still hurt by those who didn't reach out to me. I guess they didn't know how but I feel even a card would have been better than nothing.

We tried IVF again in December 2003 and I just miscarried at 15wks. I'm back in my dark place and nightgown again. The pain never seems to end.

Take care!

[Journey]

:grouphug to all. :crying