Here it goes.....

[Zanymom]

Well I have come to this board many times, but never posted. In fact I changed my options so that I would appear invisable when I visted this board. But here I am posting for the first time. I don't have any real questions. I think I just want to admit to someone besides myself and my dh how I am feeling. So here it goes.....

Growing up I was a real tom boy. Most of my friends were boys. I did have some friends that were girls, but when I was around them I took on more of a male position. I wanted to please them and protect them. I remember thinking that I wished I was a boy so that I could grow up and marry my friend. That was in elementary school.

The religion I grew up with really condems homosexuality. It is not accepted at all. And my family would never accept me having a relationship with another woman. So while I was growing up and experiencing new things I never really thought of having a relationship with a woman because I was afraid of the consequences my church and family would lay on me.

Now I am "grown up" and have been married for 3 yrs. we have one son together. I have been very open with my dh about this since we have been married. About 8 months ago I really started thinking more about my sexuality. I find myself attracted to women on t.v. when seeing a handsome man really does nothing for me. I began reading these boards and other sites on the internet. I had already been fantasizing about women while dh and I were "together".

I guess I am just confused. I don't know if I am bi, or just bi curious or what. I don't know what I would do if I were actually in a situation with another woman. I think my upbringing has a large impact on me. I would like to experience it once in my life. But now that I am married I do not think I will ever get that chance. I am worried it may be holding me back from a better relationship with my dh. I hardly find myself attracted to him now. And most of the time we are "together" I am not thinking about him but another woman. And it isn't a specific person, just a woman in general. He knows that about this, not how much I think about women during sex. But about my feelings.

I guess I just don't know what to think or how to deal with this.

[Arduinna]

Welcome!

I'm glad you posted. You aren't alone, and what your feeling and going through is normal. Have you read any of the other threads here?? There are some good ones (probably a couple pages back by now?).

As far as how to deal with it, just be open and honest with yourself.

[Jentle]

Thank you for being brave enough to post. That's awesome.

Honesty and openness are generally the best way to go.

:) Sorry I can't give you more specific advice, but life is meant to be a trial and error sort of affair, ya know?

I'll be thinking good thoughts for you.

[LunaMom]

Hi, Zanymom, and welcome.

I am also married and bi. I tend to be more frequently attracted to women than to men, and I've come to terms with that pretty well.

I think it is great that you are confronting your feelings and looking at how your upbringing might have had an effect on the expression of these feelings.

I went through a very similar situation when I first began exploring those feelings in my head, and I just thought I'd share something significant: when I was dealing with all of this, I found it very difficult to be attracted to my husband and to men in general. The repressed feelings sort of took over and left no room for anything else. And the intensity of the repressed feelings was incredible.

You can imagine how this might have affected my marriage. We almost split up twice. I became convinced, more than once, that I was gay and could no longer be married to a man. With time, and some REALLY good therapy, I was able to sort everything out and realize what was going on for me at the time, and how shutting out my husband and the part of me that IS attracted to men was the only way I could deal with it at the time. My attraction to my husband, and to men in general, came back. At this point in my life, I am comfortable knowing that I am bi, comfortable with my husband, and comfortable that we might both be drooling over the same actress in a movie...:p

Now, not knowing you at all, I'm not saying this is going to happen to you, or that we are similar in any way...but I thought I would just let you know my experience so that it might help you put things into perspective.

Please PM me if you want to!

:hug

[robynberkley]

I could've written your post...been there done that about 2 years ago...

Lunamom and I have chatted about this endlessly as our situations are VERY similar and my end result is that I left my husband, consider myself a lesbian now and am in a MARVELOUS relationship with a woman whom I love beyond belief. I've gotten more from that relationship in a few short months than I had in 14 years with my DH. The long and the short of it is that there is no clear cut answer to how you can and should resolve this for yourself. What helped me was a great therapist and an open mind. I recommend you find someone you can trust and start to work through some of these issues...no matter WHAT you choose in the end the most important thing to hold on to is to be honest with yourself and those around you...even the roughest of times work themselves out!

Regards...Robyn

[Arduinna]

OT:

Robyn, I've been wondering how you've been! Glad you came in and posted, I haven't seen you in ages!

[LunaMom]

Yeah, Robyn, I haven't heard from you in a while, either...time to put that photo back up on my dartboard...:p

You know I love you...:love I figure you're too busy mooning around over a certain somebody to call me...:crying :crying :crying

[Jentle]

Originally posted by LunaMom
I went through a very similar situation when I first began exploring those feelings in my head, and I just thought I'd share something significant: when I was dealing with all of this, I found it very difficult to be attracted to my husband and to men in general. The repressed feelings sort of took over and left no room for anything else. And the intensity of the repressed feelings was incredible.


I'm so glad you posted this... I tend to be more attracted to men than women and being that I am in a committed relationship with a woman, for quite some time I was repressing those feelings. A year and a half or so ago they came out in force and my desire to be with her (or any woman) just kind of disappeared.

Eventually those repressed feelings ran their course and I'm back to being my old, madly-in-love self, but being Not Wanted has had a lasting effect on her and our relationship.

Being women we have, of course, talked about this at length... But I think your post has helped me find a new way to express what I was going through to her - she's a 'career lesbian' and often has difficulty even fathoming that I might find men attractive.

Thank you.

[robynberkley]

Arduinna...I'll post a thread really quick to give an update!

Lunamom...UGH...I wish I were just mooning!!! I'm SWAMPED...and the kids have been REALLY sick the last couple of weeks. I'll try to contact you before 10 tomorrow just to touch base...I miss you!!!!!!! Guess who's coming into town on Friday...YIPPEEEEEE!!!!

Sorry to hijack but I wanted acknowledge folks!!!

[LunaMom]

Jentle, how interesting to hear that you have had the same experience with the genders reversed. Could it be as simple as "the grass is always greener"? No disrespect to anyone, but sometimes I think being bi is the hardest of all. :(

BTW, Jentle, I saw the link to your wedding photos on another thread, and they are so beautiful! :)

Thanks for your call this morning, Robyn! Picture is officially off the dartboard! :D Smooooooch! :love

[Jentle]

Originally posted by LunaMom
Jentle, how interesting to hear that you have had the same experience with the genders reversed. Could it be as simple as "the grass is always greener"? No disrespect to anyone, but sometimes I think being bi is the hardest of all. :(

BTW, Jentle, I saw the link to your wedding photos on another thread, and they are so beautiful! :)

:) I'm glad you like the pictures. It really was the most amazing day.

I think while there is some truth to "the grass is always greener" concept, the dangers of repressing feelings is the more... dramatic lesson. Not that we necessarily have to act on every urge, but trying to shove any feeling down to nothingness is a sure recipe for dissaster.

[robynberkley]

I think its important to recognize our sexuality and sexual identity can be fluid...certainly that is the state of the art research findings...but just because one is attracted to another gender/sex doesn't necessarily mean that is the person you want to spend your life with. Loving someone transcends their gender/sex...it is about loving the person inside no matter what physical form they come in.. There was another post about this awhile ago in a thread LunaMom started...just because the woman felt she was attracted to men physically doesn't mean she wants to be in a relationship with a man...she still clearly identified as a lesbian and was quite satisfied with that. I am in that same place myself...

That being said, it is difficult when you are in a relationship with someone who is not representative of your dominant "attraction"...along with that concern for me, I also have had marital issues with my husband that were beyond me being a lesbian so in the end leaving made the most sense for me. A year in couples therapy things had gotten as good as they were going to get and it wasn't enough...I knew I wanted and deserved more... He's a good man, but nonetheless, not someone I felt I could spend the rest of my life with. When you are in a commited relationship, you owe it to the person you are partnered with to work problems/issues with them out first because that is where your commitment lies... It is only when that relationship is healthy and whole can you really see if it gives you all that you need...leaving before you give that a chance to be all it can be isn't fair to the relationship or to your partner.

OK...I ran off on a tangent now but that is where my head is at...figured I might as well process it here while I can!!

Cheers all...

[Indigo73]

Zanymom, I have meant to write and say hello on more than one occassion and finally got a moment. I too am married and bi. Although I always knew I was bi.

I know of many woman who have gone through a time of exploration and soul searching as they try to define their sexual identity. I hope you have had a chance to chat with some of the great women here.

First and foremost remember that you are not alone.

[IslandMamma]

:hug

Hi Zanymom! Long time no see.. you're not the only momma of a Zaneyboy in this boat... ;)

I identify as bi, and have since before I was married. I married DH with a full-disclosure understanding of my sexuality, and am lucky to have a supportive and understanding relationship. I have to tell you, though, it's taken a lot of thowing it all on the table and a ton and then some of communication.

I honestly have to say that since the zipper came along, the only desire that has coursed through me has been for more than a few hours of sleep :), but I tend to predominantly be attracted to women.

Acknowledging how you feel is a great thing. Above all, be gentle with yourself. There is no shame in what you are feeling; let it be a source of joy and a place to start a deeper exploration of who you are.

Thanks for being so brave and posting.