Websources for friend

[Journey]

As I mentioned in a previous thread, my friend's baby died at around 33 weeks. I bought a beautiful card for her today, and it just doesn't seem enough to just send out some generic card. I want to write her a personalized note, with a list of internet resources so she can connect with other people who know what she's going through.

If you experienced such a loss, is there anything anybody did or said that made things easier on you both in your life and in your heart?

I'm thinking I'll send the card, give her some time, and then maybe stop by a little later with a gift of some sort?

[SweetTeach]

I'm thinking I'll send the card, give her some time, and then maybe stop by a little later with a gift of some sort?
I think this is a good idea.

I read the other thread you posted but I didn't respond so I'll respond here. I'm sorry to hear about your friend's loss. I will tell you my experience. I know a [U]lot[U] of people and I have a large family and I for one was completely overwhelmed with cards, phone calls and offers of visits in the first two weeks after I lost my son. I was in such shock and despair that it was really hard for me to field the manycards and phone calls from people I was very close to as well as people I hadn't spoken to in months. To be honest, people wrote long things and short things and I appreciated the sentiments but I was much more focused on my grief than what was or wasn't written in the card.

I felt like I wanted to grieve with people I knew very well, people who could let me "be" however I wanted to be. I couldn't grieve with just anyone so if you aren't very close to her, I might give her some space.

Now, the thing I have realized is that everyone who cared about me was very devastated and wanted or felt a need to talk to the me, but that wasn't always the best thing for me. I often cried uncontrollably when I spoke to someone for the first time after Nazir died. So I often avoided (and still do) talking to people.

Really, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. All she wants is her baby back and nobody can give her that. :( And you are struggling with the feeling of wanting to "do something" and there's really nothing you can do as far as bringing her baby back. It's so hard.

A few specific things that have been helpful to me:
-people called and left messages but didn't expect me to call back or talk to them if I didn't want to.
-people cried with me and in front of me. It helped me to know that others were devastated by the loss of my child (I wasn't alone)
-Use the baby's name and bring up his/her name in regular conversation: That mama's probably had a wonderful pregnancy and sense of her baby and now that s/he has died, it's like she's stuck in motherhood purgatory: a mom without her child and a mother who's earthly expression of motherhood ended while her child was still inside of her/shortly after birth. She is not like other mamas and it's painful and isolating.
-offer to go with her outside into the real world. you will get a glimpse of how difficult her life is/will be when you watch people approach her with happiness and excitement saying "Oh, you had the baby?" Enter shock, horror, tears, you name it- on their parts. It helps to have company when you deal with these situations at least at first.
-friends named a star in my son's honor and that was very comforting. MUCH more than flowers to me. I cried and screamed at each bouquet that was delivered to my door.
-The National Council of Jewish Women has a pregnancy loss support program which I take part in and that is very helpful. They hook you up with a peer counselor- someone who's story is similar to yours (loss-wise) and men/partners can also have a counselor as well (man)
-If you/she are religious/spiritual, letting her know that you are praying/meditating for her and her baby on a daily basis. Light white candles for her angel.
-Some of the books at the top of the forum were very good for me- especially Empty Cradle, Broken Heart
-don't say: If there's anything I can do, let me know... or something like that. Give her concrete suggestions for what you'd like to do for her, ie: "I'm coming over and bringing you a meal", or "Why don't we go for a walk?"

I hope that helps. Feel free to PM me

[KatherineinCA]

SweetTeach's suggestions are very good. I agree that I didn't even notice what people wrote in their cards at first. But a year later, on Kevin's birthday, I went through all the cards and re-read them, and was astounded at the comfort and love that had been expressed in the cards. So I would still recommend writing down your sympathy and concern, because even if your friend can't absorb it now, the day will come when she can, and then it will mean so much.

[SweetTeach]

Katherine, it's good to know that you found comfort a year later in the cards. Right now ours are tucked away in a closet and the thought of reading them again makes me wanna :crying I do remember how wonderful the sentiments were, and I bet I will come back to them in the future.

[KatherineinCA]

Sweet Teach-- Yes, I had long stretches when I couldn't look at Kevin's scrapbook at all because it was just too tough. (Why am I using the past tense? I still don't look at his things very often because it's so hard.) I'm glad you saved your cards, though. I know one friend who threw them all away and then really regretted it later on.

Your mentoring program sounds so helpful. I know it made a big difference for me to be in touch with other moms who had lost their babies. Sometimes that was all that could get me through, knowing that someone else had survived this kind of pain, so I could, too.

Journey-- Back to your question about anything people did that was especially helpful. I think what meant the most were the big hugs and the tears. Knowing that my baby meant enough to other people that they would cry for him, too. And being asked for many months how I was doing. It's easy to start to feel like something's wrong with you if you're still crying six months later or eight months later, etc. Having friends who were sensitive to my hurt was very helpful. There are so many significant milestones that are very emotional. I remember when I hit nine months after Kevin's stillbirth. I cried the whole week, because now he had been gone longer than he was inside me. All sorts of things that I never anticipated. The friends who kept in touch and listened during those times made a big difference. Again, I'm so glad your friend has people like you in her life who really want to support her.

Love,
Katherine

[abimommy]

Many already gave you such great suggestions. I just wanted to add my thoughts.

She is very grief stricken now but as time passes many people often start expecting the mother to move on and stop grieving. From what I have seen that doesn't ever happen. I still remember clearly my grandmother speaking about her miscarriage.

Continuing to be there for her after months have passed will really help her the most. Cards and gifts are always wonderful and very very kind but if you are able to continue to give her the love and support she needs that will be the best thing in the world.

It is heartbreaking to watch someone you care about go through such a loss and it is really hard, but to her it will be priceless to have such a friend.

Someone mentioned naming a star. I used this site when my SIL lost her baby. They sent a certificate and a map so they could locate the star.

http://www.starregistry.com/