Do I dare??

[butternut]

I need some help or reassurance or advice...or something! I have had 4 confirmed m/cs ranging from 2 to 12 weeks plus 3 more suspected m/cs--so probably 7 total. Three of the confirmed m/cs have happened since my son was born 4 1/2 years ago--and he was born premature. When we got pregnant this last time, we decided that if things did not go well, we would not try again. Already then, I felt like I could not go through another m/c so if it was not meant to be, then we would accept it and continue to feel blessed with our two wonderful boys. I think I had such high hopes and felt so positive and really really felt like it could not possibly happen yet again. Well, of course it did, this time at 8 weeks. And of course I feel like I have been run over by a truck. And of course I feel like I could not possibly go through this again. Yet...I still want another child. I don't know if it was wise to give myself this ultimatum. I know I don't have to stick with it, yet I really do not know if I could go through it all again. I can add here that I am almost 37 so I have not felt very supported by my doctors nor midwife--and people are telling me I should just be happy with the fact that I have been blessed with two healthy children. Dh is also worried that something must be wrong with us and that the fluke is that we have had two births and not that we have had so many m/cs. I am blessed--I know it! But how can I find peace with not trying again--or how do I find courage to try again? How can I decide??

[SweetTeach]

Wow butternut, I am sorry for all of your losses. I don't have much to offer except, instead of giving yourself an ultimatum, why don't you just give yourself some time? Wait a few weeks or months and see how you're feeling then.

people are telling me I should just be happy with the fact that I have been blessed with two healthy children.
I can imagine that this is not very comforting, huh? I get "Well at least you know you can get pregnant. You'll have more..."

Have you read Empty Cradle, Broken Heart? I really like the tone of that book. Maybe it can help you deal with your grief a bit- it's so compounded!

The nurse who helped me deliver my son had had eight losses, fairly far along- a few she mentioned were in the 20 week range. She has one living daughter. She told me that she never accepted it, she just learned to live with it. Having her there with me the day I delivered my son I know was no coincidence. I kept looking at her and telling myself that if she could have the courage to live through that and to work in a labor/delivery unit as a nurse, then we women truly have more strength than I ever could have imagined.
I wish you peace with your decision or your choice to not decide...

[sweetc]

butternut,

I am so sorry. I agree with SweetTeach - give yourself some time. This has been a hard couple of months for you physically and emotionally. Grieve this loss and don't compound it with an ultimatum. That's just too much grief all at once.

You will know when/if you are ready again when you reach that point, and you will know when/if you aren't. I don't think that now is the time for knowing either way.

I will pray for peace and healing for you.

Christine

[Ellie'sMom]

I don't have anything to add to the wisdom of the above posts, but I just wanted to send some support and good thoughts your way.

[butternut]

Thanks for your support. SweetTeach, I will try to get that book. What an amazing nurse you had--and how great that she shared with you. It does really help to hear that one is not alone in such losses. Thanks for sharing.

[saturnine25]

Butternut- I'm sorry I have no real advice to offer, just wanted to send you a :hug And, ITA with the previous posters, give yourself plenty of time to heal, try not to worry about making any major decisions right now.

[shannon0218]

Wow Butternut, what can I say? :hug
You and I lost fairly close, I've had 3 now (one chemical, 2 further along) The only thing I know is that I doubt any ultimatum is healthy for you. Give yourself some time and then decide what you want. I think we are all so very much stronger than we give ourselves credit for. I mean look at us, we've all had losses, all at different times, we're all in pain for ourselves but one of needs some support, we come out in droves--we may not want to talk to anyone on the street but it's completely safe to be there for each other here--and we'll all be here if there is another loss for one of us or a complete stranger--that's strength:thumb
I was giving up hope completely. I just love my OB but was even discouraged that she wanted to send me to fertility clinic to see a high risk OB. But you know, we were warned it would be 3-4 months before we even got a call to make an appt--here they called us sat morning--the referral had only been sent in on the monday, our appt is tomorrow. I'm taking that as a sign, someone wants me to be a mom and I have to take the help where it's given to get there.
You are blessed with your boys, no doubt about it, but it is silly for people tothink that that should mean you don't need/want any more. I'm blessed with my big beautiful dog who doubles as my business partner--he's perfect, clients have told me when he dies there will have to be a standing room only funeral, but when his daughter became available to us--we jumped on her and we love them both as much as we loved just Havoc.
The only thing I can get peace from with all of this is that I grew up unappreciated, I was accused of ruining my parents lives (I was an accident adn my my mother was only 18) I did not have a good childhood and left home at 16. I know emotional and physical abuse of children tends to run in families, my mother was for sure not the first in her family, but with all the trying and the heartache for us to have this baby, there is no way a single day will go by when we don't tell him/her how very badly she/he was wanted and is loved. In university I payed my own way but had peers that were handed everything--they took it for granted, I never took my education for granted and will never take my child for granted either--because it didn't come easy to me.
If your baby wants to find you it will. If you wait and give yourself time to heal and you still want another then allow him or her to come to you.
Another option for such loving parents may be to adopt a child who so needs the kind of love you would be willing to provide. Maybe that helps make the world right and when people who shouldn't have kids do but the ones that should have them can't.
I don't know and I know I'm babbling, but that's just the mood I"m in right now.
You take care and let us know if we can help--you know we'll be here!
:hug

[butternut]

Oh, Shannon, you are bringing tears to my eyes. Seriously. Thank you ever so much for the kind and reassuring words. You are actually the second person to tell me that if I feel so much love as to feel like we could give another child a loving home, then a child will come to us. My boss has three biological and two adopted adult children and feels very wise (besides the fact that she is also a theologian and a grief counselor)--and she said the exact same thing: children will come to you if you want them to. I have to confess that the first week after this m/c, I actually contacted social services to ask for information about foster children. It is probably a good thing they take so much time to answer! No, I don't feel like we are finished with our family yet...and you are all right in that maybe I need to wait to figure out how that will turn out.
Thank you--I can't tell you how much it means to me to feel like I am not alone here.

[starfairy]

(((HUGS))) Having had many losses myself (9) I know how hard it can be. I had 3 healthy children & decided to try for another. I desperately wanted another baby & it was the first time we had actually planned for a baby - the rest had been surprises. Well, I had 6 miscarraiges in 1 yr! I STILL coul;d not give up & convinced dh to try 1 more time - we got our baby! She was early,too. Then I surprisingly got PG again really soon, miscarried, got preg 2 months later & the baby died at 18 weeks. Lost another baby 4 months later. We got a lot of testing done & found out I have a gene mutation & other problems that are the reason for my losses (and also cause deformities/neural tube defects in at least one of the babies we lost). had we known this way back when, we could have saved ourselves a lot of pain :( We are getting even more testing done soon to find out more.

I really urge you to have testing done - In my case the problems that I have affect my health in general, not *just* my fertility. I really believe this is true for most cases of infertility/ recuurent loss.

(((HUGS))) I am so sorry for the pain your are going through.

Many blessings,
Anne-Marie