Hard time dealing with 9-11

[indiegirl]

I feel like this is silly to post, but I have been having a very hard time dealing with 9-11. I feel panicky at times, and sometimes I just start cryign when I think of it.

I didn't lose anyone (well, anyone I know. I feel like we all lost a lot that day) but had very close friends nearby and who were in danger.

I guess what helps me is talking about it. Anyone else feel like this? Can we all share our 9-11 stories? Where were you? Tell me about your experience. I'll tell you about mine--maybe the writing of it will help dispell some of the pain. I don't know...


My story:

I arrived at school (I'm a teacher) at about 7 PDT and turned on my radio and computer. The radio announcers were speaking in very hushed tones and were very upset. They said something like, "If you are just joining us, a second plane has been confirmed flying into the WTC" I laughed out loud and thought "What the hell kind of joke is that to play?"

That feeling of disbelief, utter disbelief, that somethign like this was happening overwhelmed me. I was lost. I called Dh who was at home, sleeping. Told him he had to find a tv to watch or turn on the radio--that planes were flying into the WTC. He kept saying "Are you sure?" By this time I am sobbing. I pull myself together enough to find the principal and ask him what our formal response should be. "We have no formal response for this."

The bell rang and my class filled up with 35 high school students. I told them to grab their journals, that we were going to find a TV to watch this. (I am in the theatre and don't have a tv). We joined the band and watch the events unfold. I asked them to journal as things happened so that they could remember (as if they wouldn't anyway) it. By the time we were got settled in the band room, the first tower had fallen. When the second tower fell, I snuck into one of the practice rooms and cried. My students were all looking ot me for answers...What do you say? I knew that I was in the position of authority, was the one supposed to have wise words, but all I could do was tell them what I knew about the towers.

I shared with them our visit this summer and how big they were. We live on the other side of the USA, so most had never been.

For the rest of that day, my classes watched the news in the band room. We talked, we wrote in our journals and we cried.

Later that week, I was making dinner and the news showed some clips of the attack. I lost it--I couldn't stop crying. My baby sat in her high chair and watched me, wonderign what in the world was going on. My hands broke out in eczema and I haven't been able to wear my wedding ring since.

I don't know if this has helped, but it does feel good to talk about it.

Thanks for listening.

[abimommy]

oh I don't think you are at all foolish..they were talkng on NPR about how so many people were suffering from panic attacks.....

Someone called me at home when the planes hit..we were playing in bed with my dd and I ran into the living room and turned on the tv and cried and cried cried it took dh 10 mins to figure out what was going on he was so shocked...

I sat on the phone the rest of the day with my uncle watching the events unfold...

despite all the shock and horror and grief there was a brief moment of humor when a reporter exclaimed he was reporting form the white house...looked behind him and you saw the capitol building....while it was funny..it was also an example of how even the seasoned journalists were struggling.

They were talking on NPR how people are coping by spending more tiem with their families and going outside...just the act of getting out and enjoying the beauty of the world helps.

[lisamarie]

Oh no, you are definately not alone. A client of mine and I were just talking about it today.

My sister called me that morning (we were still asleep) and said that someone was bombing the WTC. My dh and I got up and watched it on the news. I was afraid to go out of my home or to take my ds to school. I have relatives back there and in DC. My brother in DC works across the street from the Pentagon and watched the plane go into the bldg. I cried its seems, for the whole month of Sept. My ds still won't fly because of 9/11~are there any other kids who feel the same way?? I won't fly w/out my family either-my ds already lost a father. After 9/11 and the days following, I had a hard time leaving my ds and dh. It was so quiet w/no planes. We went to a movie on 9/12 to get away from the t.v., news, etc. and we were the only ones there. I had finally gotten ahold of my relatives in the city there and they have been so traumatized by it.

I'm glad you posted this topic~thanks.

Hugs~

Lisa:love

[merpk]

... I had a deadline that morning and was on the computer and DS(4yo) and DD(2yo) were in front of the TV (Clifford on PBS) and DS started shouting, "Ima, the TV is broken" because the sound went out when the first plane hit. I kept my eyes on the computer and shouted back "it's the station, just wait, they'll clear it up." A few minutes later, DS: "Ima, it's still not working." Me: "Sweety, I have to finish this. Go play with your toys." A few0 minutes later DS shows up next to me and starts fidgiting with my desk stuff. Now I'm annoyed: "Please, I have to finish this, go play." He whined, I caved. "Okay, I'll put in a video, just get out of my desk."

I got up to go to the next room to put in a tape, and saw that the TV had a BBC feed with the picture ... with no sound ... of the first tower burning. I stopped and stared, and then while I watched the second plane hit. I started to scream and scream and am afraid to think how my kids dealt with my screaming, as I'm sure they didn't quite understand what was showing on the TV. Finally got myself calm enough to throw a video in the machine and run in the bedroom and shut the door.

The rest of the day was just with my ear to the radio and the kids in front of videotapes. At some point we took a walk just to clear my head and that was a whole other thing. (I mentioned it on the other 9/11 thread in this section.)

We didn't lose immediate family luckily. My brother was supposed to make a speech or something, not his favorite thing to do, at a conference at Windows on the World that morning, and the week before had managed to get out of it, thank G-d thank G-d thank G-d thank G-d ... but his office is on the next block just south of the site and on a high floor and facing the WTC, and watched it all from there, the 2nd plane going past his window and people jumping and building falling and ...

I don't know if we'll ever get past this. None of us. Going to work in the morning is not supposed to be fatal.

Anyway, there's more and more and more but I'm done.

- Amy

[amy mama]

You are definitely not alone-I have been thinking about seeking therapy due to my insomnia and panic attacks since 9/11. This weekend my so got a sitter, and we went out for a nice dinner. I was enjoying myself, and suddenly, I had this thought that someone could just walk into the restaurant and blow themselves up, and I freaked out, completely ruining a rare night out.

9/11-I'm sitting on the couch with dd, who was 21 months old. I said out loud to her dad-"why do I have this feeling that I'm going to turn on CNN and see that there's been a plane crash?" So I turned it on, saw one of the towers on fire, and then watched the second plane hit. We have lots of friends in NY and DC, so we left the news on all day, just transfixed by the horror. In the back of my mind I was thinking I shouldn't let little Jade watch this-but she didn't seem bothered by it-at one point clapping at the "fireworks". Imagine how devestated I was when the next morning at around 6 am, her dad comes into the bedroom and whispers into my ear something about "rescuers are coming from all over the country." Jade opened her eyes and said, in her little sleepy voice "airplane go bye-bye?" I could have died.

I'm definitely not coping well.

[Ms. Mom]

Keep talking ladies, this is how we heal and work through things. What a horrible tradgedy we all lived through!

I was also working - dd was watching PBS and my sister called my cell phone and said that she just saw the WTC burn to the ground. I ran into the bedroom and flipped on the little TV. We just sat and watched together barely breathing or talking. Then it hit me that my son was in school, so I ran up there and picked him up. His teacher was like a zombie! I told him in the parking lot what had happend and we talked.

Dh was dismissed early at work and we all stayed in huddled in bed around the TV watching over and over - always with the same response. I can still see the images.
Amy mama -- I don't think seaking tharepy is a bad idea. I went through tharepy many hears ago for a stressfulll situation I was going through. Remember, the truly healthy people know when to ask for help.

[ladylee]

We were living in downstate NY at the time, my husband commuted in to the city & worked downtown. His usual route was to take MetroNorth to GC & then the Lexington line to his office. But that morning he had a meeting to attend in NJ, so he was headed to the WTC to catch the PATH train to NJ.

I remember before he left he was dillydallying with Isabel, not really paying attention to the time & he actually missed the train he needed to take to get there on "time." He left 20 minutes late.

I went about my morning & had just finished sending emails and was about to go hiking when a friend IMed me that the first plane had hit the WTC.

I thought to myself wow, that's my worst nightmare come true (when flying into NY we'd go over the city & I would think how awful it would be if we hit a building) those poor poor people--and I turned on the television to see the coverage. I watched the second plane hit.

I had no idea where DH was in his transit--enough time had passed for him to have gotten to the city & I didn't know if he was at the WTC or not. I called his cell phone and didn't get any answer. My mother called and asked if I had seen what happened & if Andrzej was ok. I felt like a little girl, was crying: "Yes, I saw it and I don't know where he is." She got off the line so he could get through.

At last he called--from Grand Central, he hadn't heard what happened. I was only able to tell him the planes hit before our connection was lost--I had no idea if he was going to continue on down there. At this point the buildings had not yet collapsed.

The coverage was still on and about 15 minutes later I remember seeing the first tower start to crumble-the newscaster covering it couldn't even articulate what was happening. It was horrible, just horrible. I can't put words to how I felt. My mother called again & I just wanted her to make it all go away. (crying now)

I had no idea what was going on with Andrzej. I went outside and by that time they identified it was probably a terrorist attack & the Pentagon had been hit & the other plane crashed in PA--and remember they said there were more planes unaccounted for, well-when I was outside the skies were silent and I was terrified. I thought to myself, we're being attacked. Oh my God.

Still no idea about Andrzej's whereabouts--scared that he had gone down to the WTC to help & got caught in the collapse, or even that there would be another attack on Manhattan and more people would be killed. The cell lines were unavailable, so I spent many hours worrying.

Finally he pulls up in the driveway five hours later. He had caught the last train out of the city before they closed the bridges and tunnels. He didn't know that the buildings had collapsed because no one else on the train knew--everyone was trying to contact people on their cells but weren't able to get through.

I'll never forget the look on his face when I told him the buildings collapsed. Several colleagues of his were in a meeting there, and he knew many people in an office there.

We went to church that night to pray. I was walking the streets of our village crying, other people were crying. We couldn't stay away from the television, the pain was so awful, like nothing I've ever felt before. We weren't able to call into Manhattan to find out if everyone we knew was ok. They closed downtown Manhattan for more than a week, and DH stayed home--such a strange, sad time.

When he went back I was so scared that something would happen. There were bomb threats to his building & two days in a row they evacuated and sent everyone home. I couldn't believe what was happening & I definitely didn't want him to return to work. Then the anthrax envelopes started appearing--every day was filled with anxiety to let him out of my sight.

So hard to think of that day--that's all I can handle now...

Edited to add: P.S.--Had he not been late from playing with Isabel, he would have been downstairs at the WTC waiting for the train to New Jersey when this all happened.

[ekblad9]

I'm so glad that this thread is here. I have been doing better but I don't think that I slept for at least three to six months after the attacks.

I had just dropped my dd and ds off at pre school. My oldest ds wasn't feeling good so I stopped at the store with him and the baby to get a few things. My mom was on her way over to watch ds while I took baby dd to Gymboree. On my way back from the store the streets were strangly bare. I was stopped at a red light when a Jimmy cut me off longways and yelled out the window "Yes, it finally happened". It was just he and I in the road and I didn't know what to do. I had kid music on the radio so had no idea what was going on. I just kind of pulled around him and went home assuming he was drunk or on drugs or something. My mom called as I was walking in the door and told me to turn the TV on to NBC. Now, I'm very anti news and she tends to overexaggerate things so I kind of slowly turned it on. It was right after the first plane hit the towers. I just kind of sat there in awe. I couldn't believe what was happening. I called dh at work and a couple of my neighbors. Then a neighbor stopped by who's brother in law works in the towers. She was very upset. Then the second plane hit and I left to pick the kids up from school early. I felt like they all needed to be home. The rest of the day is a blur. People were in and out of the house. My dad brought us lunch, I cared for my sick ds and tried to distract the kids. When dh came home we just stared at the TV for hours. I think we still had cable then so there's was lots to choose from. Then, right before we turned the TV off for the night, the phone rang. It was my brother in law. His first child, a son, had been born that morning. In the midst of all the fear and terrorism a wonderful thing was happening to them. At least we could go to bed thinking about that. Then I was terrified of anthrax, chemical warfare, all of it. I didn't sleep forever. I had night sweats every night. I prayed that we would make it to Christmas, New Years, etc. Now I still worry but I feel that it's better.

Thanks for starting this thread. What a great way for us all to share and pull together.

[ladylee]

Here's an organization some of you may know about already-they have a place to talk about 9/11 and the emotional aftermath:

http://www.griefnet.org/support/sg2.html#terror