Straight single father seeks help with gay son

[SingleDad]

My 9 year old son came to me about a week and a half ago and told me that he was gay. I haven't had much exposure to the gay lifestyle and was very nervous about talking to him about it. I simply said "okay" and went on with what I was doing. I feel awful for not talking to him about it, but it caught me offguard and I didn't know how or what to tell him. I was in the single parent chat room and one of the members in there suggested I ask this forum what I should do. Can anyone help me with what I should say? I don't know if what he is going through is a phase, which is stereotypical of a straight parent to say I'm sure, or if he is testing me or what. I have a very open relationship with my two boys, and they know that they are free to discuss anything with me without fear of me overreacting, but this one caught me so offguard that I just didn't know what to say. I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable about it or feel that he is any less than anyone because of this. Please help me to know how to talk to him about this without doing that. I'm very ignorant when it comes to the gay lifestyle and I don't want to hurt him.

[thismama]

I just replied to your post over on the Single Parent board. Wanted to make sure you can find it... if you want to dialogue more let me know and I can send you my email.

[SingleDad]

I would really like that, thank you.

[SingleDad]

Please read my post on the other board, you're a Godsend!!!!!

[thismama]

Thanx... I'm glad things went well and that //i was able to be helpful. I don't usually fret too much about the lives of folks on the internet, but feel touched by your desire to do right with your child, and like I want to offer anything I know that may assist. I have responded to your latest post on the other board.

[SingleDad]

Your suggestions and comments have helped me so much. After talking with the guy at PFLAG for so long, his story with his parents was so difficult to hear because I kept thinking of my son going through that. His father disowned him when he came out to him. He threw him out of the house at 15 years old and told him to forget that he ever had a father. The feelings that he had before this happened were even worse, including suicide just like you had told me before. I'm more determined than ever to never let my son feel that way. Last night was about the most emotional night I think I've ever had. I just sat and cried with him, he was so relieved. He didn't have the words to tell me how much of a weight was taken off of him, he just kept saying that he feels so much better and that he loves me so much. I don't think I've ever felt closer to him. I owe all of that to you, and to the people on this board, and I won't ever be able to thank you enough. You're awesome!!!!

[max_4477]

Singledad,

It sounds like you have already gotten yourself some great advice and support - and hooked up with PFLAG! That is fabulous.

What an honor to have your child come out to you, and especially at such a young/dependent age. You must be a very trustworthy and special parent.

I think the most important things to emphasize to your child are:
-that he is the same person to you now as before he told you
-that you love him no matter who he loves/is attracted to
-that it's okay with you if he's gay, bi, straight, trans, whatever, even if it changes over time (or if not)
-that you are there for him to talk to (clearly he knows this)
-that you are honored that he felt safe enough end trusted you enough to tell you
-that you may not know all the answers, but that you are willing to find them with him
-that you are not ashamed of who he is or feel like the family needs to hide it
-you're happy to take him to a PFLAG meeting with you sometime if he wants to
-that #1 you want him to be happy
-that he is not alone (there are some really positive gay role models out there - they just may not be the ones on the cover of the magazines)

best wishes to you both!

ps - someone probably said this to you already, but there's no "gay lifestyle" - there are as many ways to live as a gay person as there are as a straight person

[Amazlilith]

Single Dad,

I followed both your threads and think you did a wonderful job. It is truly a blessing when a child has such a comfort level that he would be so open with you. And in talking to him you have help to ensure that it will hopefully continue into his teenage years.

My partner and I also received our bundles of joy through the foster/adopt system and wouldn't change a thing. We are kind of in the same boat as we look to make sure that our girls have positive male role models and they don't have to be their other parent! All my best to you and your boys!

[SingleDad]

Thank you both very much for your responses, and I will keep all of those points in mind to say to him. I hope I didn't say the wrong thing with the lifestyle comment, I haven't had any exposure to gay persons is what I should have said, or at least not that I knew were gay. I have alot to learn about this, obviously, and your voice is invaluable to me and my son in doing that. I appreciate any help at all that you are willing to offer me.

Amazlilith, that is great that you rescued your children from the foster system too, and I really feel as foster parents, we did rescue them. If you were in it for any amount of time, I'm sure you heard the same awful things that I did about how some bio parents treat these kids. Good for you and your partner for being such great people!!

[madison]

Hey there SingleDad,

Sounds like you handled his coming out with grace and kindness.... how absolutely wonderful for both you and your son!!! I am also a single parent, though I'm a single lesbian mom to a beautiful baby boy :) I was going to suggest PFLAG and everything I wanted to say has already been said, so keep on keeping on, sounds like you have your head on straight and a very loving heart.

Best wishes,

madison

:hippie

[SingleDad]

Thank you Madison, I appreciate that!! I think the hardest part of it is over, although it's not over by any means. The most important part is to keep supporting him, that's what the man at PFLAG told me. He's not old enough to have a boyfriend or anything of that nature yet, and that part kind of scares me a little still. I'm hoping with the help I get on this board that I can handle that part the right way too. How did your parents handle you telling them? And the first girl that you introduced and everything? Any suggestions??

[robynberkley]

Howdy...I came out when I was 40 to my parents...long story I won't get into. My parents are VERY religious and it was and probably still is diffiult for them BUT my mom is willing to talk which helps. She asks about my girlfriend and I am comfortable talking about her with my parents so that helps. My parents live in FL and I live in NY and my girlfriend in OH so they haven't met yet but will some day when the time allows it. I think they need the time and space to cope with the change and in time I'm sure they will accept my GF as they did my mixed race ex-DH. But I have to remember to allow them the time.

I suspect you may have some initial shock or discomfort when he brings home his first BF BUT if you keep an open mind, it wil seem second nature to you. Perhaps if you get a chance to socialize with gay couples NOW this may help you become more comfortable with the notion your son may one day have a BF. Does this make sense? I think allowing yourself to be around gay couples NOW will help decrease the awkwardness you may feel both now and in the future.

Good luck...you are a GREAT dad!

Robyn

[karuna]

Hey SingleDad, what a cool guy you are. The fact that you have NO gay friends (that you know of) and are still so open to learning about all this is incredible! I read your posts to my partner and we both got a little teary. I LOVE PFLAG parents!!!

Anyway, just a couple of thoughts: Gay oppression, both internal and external, is really heavy stuff. No matter how supportive you are of your son, he will pick up on all sorts of shame and b.s. from the world, and will probably go through times/places of wanting or needing to be closeted, sometimes for his own physical saftey. Make sure that just because you feel proud to have a gay son, you don't "out" him anywhere and to anyone without his okay. KWIM? He needs to be in control of when and where he asserts his gay identity. This might get even more complicated when he decides to start dating.

Also, when I told my mom about my first sort-of-girlfriend (when I was 19), she just kept saying she didn't understand the sexual stuff. She actually said, "well, I love my best friend from college, too, but that doesn't mean I want to touch her breasts!" This made me really uncomfortable and made me embarrassed to talk about the girl at all with her. She had reduced my feelings down to just some base physical act. I'm not sure how, as a parent, to be totally sex-positive and supportive and easy-going, and ALSO not make such a huge issue of sex that the rest of the feelings involved get overlooked. But I think it's important to do both... Am I making any sense? (My daughter's just a baby, so I've got time to figure it out!)

I guess what I mean is, I think it'll be important in the future for your son to get a clear sex-positive message from you AND for him to know that you understand being gay isn't just about sexual feelings/actions.

Best wishes. Oh, and you and your sons should check out the Pride parade nearest you this summer. There are always lots of families, PFLAG parents, etc., and it's one way to get a little exposure to the varieties of queer folks out there!

[DebraBaker]

Is it normal for a nine year old to know his sexual preference?

I have a 9YO son and I don't think he gives either homo or hetero vibes.

I'd love to know how you can tell and help children. I just don't allow "gay" as "bad" or "wrong" language and try to keep a positive household.

This has been an interesting thread.

Debra Baker

[robynberkley]

Hey Debra...I was attracted to females at age 9...unsure I thought of it as attraction at the time but I DEFINITELY knew it as such not long thereafter. It is certainly possible to know at a fairly young age.

[SingleDad]

Debra,
From what I've learned from PFLAG and the counselor that we've been seeing (I took my son there to meet him too) children straight or gay develop at different ages. My son told me that he had known about it since he was in kindergarten, he just didn't know what it meant. I've really learned alot from this counselor about the development and feelings that he'll go through to come to terms with it himself. I'm not pushing him one way or the other, I'm just trying to support him in who he is and trying to teach him to be proud of every part of his life. We discussed the fact that he was scared when he first told me and thought that I would be ashamed of him, and thought it was dirty and things like that. It was really important to me for him not to feel that way. I agree with Karuna in the fact that we shouldn't make it out to be a sexual thing. As a matter of fact, I was told that by the counselor too. It's not a sexual thing, it's just part of who he is, and who he will love. I think I had the hardest time with that part of it too, and I don't know why. And Robyn, I am having dinner with the guy from PFLAG and his partner this weekend! haha. That's funny that you say that about getting to know other gay people, because I had that same thought. Thank you for all your comments!!!

[karuna]

Me too. I remember being totally crushed out on Molly Ringwald(!) at 9 or 10, but it wasn't sexual per se. Gay male friends say the same thing. I think queers notice and remember it more because somewhere inside we notice we're having a feeling that's not the norm (whereas when kids get straight crushes they pick on vibes telling them they're having the "right" feelings, so don't stop and think so much).

Is singleDad still around? Does your son explain *how* he knows that he's gay?

[karuna]

Woops, just noticed you were posting at the same time, sorry!

[DebraBaker]

Thanks for answering my question.

It makes sense that children having the stirrings of sexuality and are straight wouldn't be as profound a revelation because that is what is portrayed in books, film, and on tv shows. There is still (in this day and age) a certain teasing of perceived gayness (any gayish behavior in a straight person) and I can see how frightening it would be for someone to become aware of their own gayness.

This is an old discussion but the kids seem to still tease in elementary school (my 9YO is a third grader) but it is ok (info gathered from older kids) to be gay in high school. So it's a great thing you (single dad) are investing yourself in your son (assuming my children's elementary school is representative of a normal experience)

Sorry if I have hijacked this thread.

Debra Baker

[SingleDad]

I had never thought of the fact that the awareness would stem from them feeling different, but that makes complete sense to me too. As far as Elementary school, my son does get teased about things. He's learned to deal with it much more easily now that he's met someone else that has the same feelings. He felt very isolated and alone with his feelings, and like he was the only one that felt that way before he met this counselor. I think that the teachers bear alot of responsibility when it comes to this, and I've made sure that are acutely aware that I will not allow my son to be treated differently because of his sexuality. In the same respect that children are not allowed to spout profanities in school, the terms that they use for a gay person should not be allowed either. The words were commonplace in that school, and very prevalent might I add, before a certain parent threw what could only be described as a fit in the school office about it. (I admit to nothing) hahaha.

And don't worry about the thread....I think it's great that we're all learning together on this!!!

[madison]

Hey DebraBaker, nice to see you!!! Ian & I are doing well, he's 10 months old now, can you believe it? :)

Anyway, sorry :D

SingleDad, I was having crushes on other girls around 10, when most of my girl friends were starting to have crushes on boys. FWIW, it's entirely possible. Back then (20 years ago) being gay wasn't something that was talked about at all - now with "Will & Grace" and "ellen" and "Queer Eye For the Straight Guy" it's so much more "out there" and easier to identify and self-identify, I think.

:hippie

[mamabutterfly]

:OT SingleDad, sometimes when the state of the world is getting me down, there is a thread around MDC that just helps to restore my faith in humanity (... or, um, in this case - Texas, lol! :D I'll admit to my own biases! :) )

Anyway, tonight yours was it for me. Thank you for your openess and sincerity; it is beautiful to read of your journey with your son. Your love just pours through in all of your words. I have a feeling you all are going to do just fine. :thumb

mamabutterfly

[SingleDad]

I really appreciate that mamabutterfly, and I can't tell you how much this board and the people on it has helped me to understand this and deal with it in a way that made it easier for Nate. I'm a better person for having known all of you, and so is my son.

Thanks to all of you.


PS.....I agree with the Texas thing! hahaha