First Child - Stillborn

[wilkers8]

I've never posted to a public message board before. So please bear with me.

My wonderful husband and I received the horrible news during my 27th week of pregnancy that our child would be a stillbirth. Up to this point, I had been the envy of everyone. Only one attempt to get pregnant was needed, I had no morning sickness, and overall my pregnancy was easy. However that all changed drastically. On St. Patty's Day, we had our beautiful Irish son, Connnor. He was 1 lb 13 oz and 14 in long. He was the most beautiful baby that I had ever seen.

So far, every test on me and Connor has come back negative. I'm apparently an extremely healthly 26yr old woman. The doctors are expecting the results (which are not due for a number of weeks) to likely not turn up a cause/explanation.

I'm having such a hard time with the fact that I'm now a mom with only a box of mementos and not a baby. I get upset at other people who tell me stories about their loss of their 2nd or later child. Not that I don't understand their grief but it's not the same as when it's your first child. I have such an overwhelming feeling of terror that I will never know what it's like to be a mom with a baby.

Both my husband and I are anxious to be pregnant again. Not to replace Connor (not possible) but to look forward to a time when we will be a family with more than a box.

I could really use hearing any stories about other moms/dads who lost their first child and their successful pregnancies afterwards (how long did they wait, was the stress/panic unbearable, etc).

[SweetTeach]

So sorry, so sorry, so sorry! I'm so sorry that you lost Connor.
I can relate to you, unfortunately. I lost my first pregnancy as well in December and I was also extremely healthy and had a textbook pg. At my 32 week appt my m/w said to me "You're so boring! I wish everyone could be like you." It's horrible and not having another child to hold does make it different from other kinds of losses. You just lost Connor last week? Goodness, I am so sorry, you must still be deep in shock.

Please come here and read some of the threads if you are up to it. I also started another thread called "Is there any interest?" that you might want to look at.
I wish you peace and comfort at this tragic time in your life. Please just know that you are not alone.

[starfairy]

(((HUGS))) I am so very sorry for your loss.

I think it is very normal to get upset . And you are right. It is not the same to lose your first child as a second or latter child - and anyone who thinks differently is kidding themselves. The hurt is still very strong for sure. But certainly not the same.

I am thinking of you & wishing you all the best.

Peace,
Anne-Marie

[hmpc2]

Wilkers~ :hug I am so sorry for your loss. It is a shock to your system when you learn you won't be carrying a live baby home. I too only came home with a box. I was fortnuate and have some pretty cool mementos...but it's still not my daughter.

Like sweetTeach suggested...look over all the archives and explore others who have been where you are. Please know that you can PM me (private message) and I'll be happy to talk to you. It hasn't been a week yet, since you lost Conner, so please take care of yourself. You still gave birth, I would suggest you rest, relax, cry, do whatever you need.

[Jacque Savageau]

wilkers8, I'd like to warmly and gently welcome you to Mothering :hug

I'm so sorry losing Connor is what brought you here. Your love for him and motherhood is so apparent in your post. I'm sure Connor feels that deep love.

Please feel free to join in the discussions here and share whatever feels comfortable for you.

You're so fresh in your grief right now. Please make sure you're taking care of yourself. I know it's hard when you feel there's no baby left to nurish, but you'll heal better spiritually if you take care of yourself physically. Make sure you're drinking pleanty of water and eating a healthy diet. Try to get as much rest as possible.

You and Connor are in my thoughts.

[Freckles]

I'm so very very sorry for your loss :crying Unfortunately I can relate as I buried my first born too last year on April 14th. Our son was delivered by c-section at 31wks due to my heavy bleeding. He lived for one hour then passed. He was perfect too, almost 4lbs, and the mirror image of his father right down to his toes.

Like you I wanted to get pregnant right away and with IVF the 2nd time we did but I just lost the baby at 15wks :crying :crying

I also have momentos from each pregnancy. On my son I have a whole album starting with preconception, to the IVF journey, to birth, to death and to his funeral. I haven't been able to open the book in about six months. On this last pregnancy, I started a "mother's journal" and wrote in it every day until the day I discovered our baby no longer had a heartbeat. Both books are in our son's nursery with our son's baby clothes. The door is shut to his room.

The pain goes on and on but you will feel better in time I promise. We have no reasons for why these things happen. Only God knows. I have to believe my angels are better in heaven then on Earth, why else would they be there and not with me?

Take comfort in your husband, your friends and your loved ones. Mourn however and whenever you have to. I truly feel your pain as many others do. Please email me if you want to talk more.

Big hugs to you and your husband!

[sun-shine01]

I am so verry sorry for your loss.

hugs to you and your hubby.

[KatherineinCA]

Wilkers8,

I'm so very, very sorry. As a mom whose fourth baby was stillborn, I want you to know that I definitely see the difference. I'm sorry you have been faced with people equating their loss to yours. As bad as my experience has been, I am always filled with extra compassion for the precious moms who have lost their first. There are several here, some who've already posted, and I know you'll receive good support from them. And please know that all of us moms of stillborn babies are here to support you as you move through the weeks and months ahead.

Much love to you,
Katherine

[XM]

Willikers, my heart goes out to you. We lost our firstborn daughter while I was pushing (she was born at 41 weeks). I was 25, we also chose an autopsy that showed her to be a normal healthy baby. It was harder on Mike that there was no abnormalities, it would have been harder on mer if there had been (because I would have blamed myself for not taking my prenatal every night, etc.) It was such a shock to lose Xiola, we'd done everything 'right'... Brewer diet, natural birth...

Everything you mention in your post resonates with me. I remember the despair of those first weeks all too well... if there was no reason for her to have died, how can we make sure it doesn't happen again? Could lightning strike twice? Did we even want to risk this pain again?

It was a huge leap of faith for us to concieve Ezra 5 months after his sister's birth/death. We had a wonderful pregnancy with a fantastic midwife who was compassionate towards me and my grieving my daughter as I rejoyced in my new pregnancy. Our son was born in the caul, at home, after 10 hours of labor. His pregnancy was one of the scariest, hardest, yet most fulfilling, things I have ever done. I wouldn't have thought after my loss that I would ever beleive in my body and in birth, but I did.

Big, big hugs to you, mama. I am so sorry that your arms are empty. Of course you want a baby to fill them... but no one will ever replace Connor. One of the lovely things about Ezra's pregnancy was that I was able to see how even in utero, my daughter had a personality all her own. In being able to contrast her pregnancy to her brother's, I almost feel like I know her better now. She was definitely her own person.

[Mamid]

Sometimes babies just die and there's no reason to it. I know that's a horrid thing to say, but its true and there's nothing you did or didn't do that could have stopped it.

Think of it this way, he spent his entire short life loved by mom and dad.

Take your time to grieve. Don't you dare let anyone get to you by saying that you should be over it by now. You are never over it.

13 years later and I still miss my little one. 19 weeks he was.

[Katana]

I'm so sorry that you lost your precious Connor.

I wish you peace and healing.

:hug

[wilkers8]

Thank you for the supportive responses.

It's one week today. In this week, we lost Connor yet two of my friends had 2 healthly baby boys. I'm happy for them but I couldn't bring myself to contact them with congrats. Now more than ever I should be happy when I hear of a successful pregnancy especially for a friend but I'm too sad to care about anyone else's happiness (this is completely opposite of my personality and so I stuggle with the new person I've become).

This morning, I must have stared at my husband for 30 minutes while he slept. He's been so incredible. Not that this would normally surprise me but he's lost his father (long battle with cancer) and son all in six weeks. So needless to say, 2004 has not been our favorite year.

As I talked to him about my fears last night...that the pain will never stop, that the pain will stop, that I'll forget what Connor looked like (even though we have pictures), and that I'll never be a mom with a living child...he confidently assured me of each fear not happening.

After I was done watching him sleep, I proceeded into the bathroom. My breasts are leaking (but luckily I'm not having that horrible engorgement feeling), my stomach is almost flat again, I've lost all the weight I gained except the last 7 pounds (I'm eating...the weight is just coming off very fast)...these are the very things I had hoped for after my pregnancy and now only bring me sadness.

All my focus seems to be on waiting for April 22nd, which is the day we receive the results for the remainder of tests on both Connor and me. We've decided that if the results are "unknown", then we are going to try immediately (given the doctor gives me the physical ok). We researched the statistics and there is a 97% ratio that we'll have a healthly baby the next time. I can't help but fear being the 3% of 3% who had mutliple unknown stillborns. I'm a technical person so never in my wildest dreams did I think that I would hate the odds of 97%. I want them to be higher. I know that when/if I hit the 32 week mark, I'll turn into a total basket case (partial basket case prior to that mark) waiting for 38 week mark (my doctor will induce me at that point). Two weeks ago, I would have laughed at the thought of dealing with only 6 weeks of major stress but now that seems like forever. Then again, two weeks ago...I was a completely different person.

As for what we'll do for the rest of the day...first, I'm hoping that we stop receiving flowers. Not that I don't appreciate the thought but there is a point of too much. We'll be handing out vases for Christmas for the next 10 years. Second, we're headed to the jewerly store to buy Connor's birthstone as a pendent for me to wear near my heart. I decided on this and told my husband and he was upset because he had been looking for the perfect one for me already, which makes me love him even more for thinking about what would bring me a little happiness. Third and most importantly, I'm going to grieve with my husband.

Again, thank you for all the kind responses. I was especially happy to hear about Ezra after Xiola.

[rwikene]

:crying :crying :crying

I'm so sorry for your loss, I can't even begin to imagine your pain right now. My heart is breaking for you :(

:hug I wish there was more I could say...you will be in my thoughts and prayers! Life is so unfair sometimes!

[saturnine25]

Wilkers, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss! :hug A warm welcome to you, although I'm sorry about the circumstances which brought you here. I think the birthstone pendant is a beautiful way to remember Connor, and I'm glad that you have such a wonderful, supportive husband. Sending healing thoughts your way.......

[taradt]

((hugs)) to you on your loss of Connor

you are in my thoughts at this difficult time

tara

[wilkers8]

I think this is becoming my journal of the experience of losing Connor. Normally, I would be uncomfortable to ever post this private information but instead I'm hoping that it will bring me peace. I apologize if this is a misuse but knowing each of you understand what I feel helps.

Today is the first day that my husband and I are attempting to return to the normal world. "Normal"...a word that seemed so easy to define just two weeks ago, now seems unattainable. Although, I will be off for the full six weeks (fully paid...very lucky), my husband returned for his first full day this morning. Two weeks ago, I enjoyed being at home alone and relaxing...knowing that my child was growing within me. Now, I stare at the walls/tv...knowing Connor is no longer with us. I've been trying to think of a project that I could start but I'm very analytical and not very domestic or creative, so most projects are out of the question. Plus, any idea that I come up with just seems so stupid in comparison to having Connor still with me. I thought about going back to work early but I know that the anticipation for the results and dealing with the day that my shower was planned for (at the end of April) will be difficult and I don't want to deal with the "pity eyes" yet.

"Pity eyes" that's what I'm calling the look of people who can't comprehend what we have gone through. They know they feel sorry for us and that we are sad but I know they don't really understand that we had and lost a child. That we had to deliver a child that we knew would never cry or smile. Although I am glad that my friends can't understand (it's not a club you want to be a member of) but it still makes me want to scream..."I'm a mom and lost my son!". I am lucky...my very close friends do understand that this was a very personal and difficult loss. My two best friends were able to hold Connor at the hospital and I'm never worried that I will have to remind them that we had a son. Another really close friend is in a difficult situation. Although not planned, she is due five days after Connor was due. We had been experiencing the entire pregnancy together and planning what we would do during our time off in the summer together. Our showers were even scheduled for the same weekend. I talk to her every day but I can't bring myself to want to see her. Thankfully she understands but I feel so guilty. She is a wonderful person and friend and I hate that I'm so sad/angry that I can't be happy for her. I'm sure that will eventually change but I pride myself in being a good friend and I'm definitely not being one to her now.

I've been thinking a ton of what Connor has taught me in just over 27 weeks. First, most issues people face seem so freaking trivial now. I can't imagine myself even worrying about half the stuff I was consumed with just two weeks ago. Second, I have a new world of compassion and understanding of what being a mom and having a stillborn means. Third, my husband is even more amazing then I ever knew or thought was possible. I knew that he was going to be a great father and he has lived up to that and gone far beyond. Fourth, I'm a stronger individual than I knew. Never in my life could I believe that I was capable of delivering a child that I knew was gone. Never in my life could I believe that I wouldn't die from the pain of losing a child.

So here's my question of the day: How do you learn to accept the new person you've become? I'm no longer the friend that can put other people's happiness before my own. I'm no longer innocent and naive regarding pregnancy. I'm no longer a woman who has had no significant loss in her life. I'm now a mom. I'm now a mom whose only child has passed away. I'm now a high-risk woman.

[hmpc2]

Wilkers~ I am crying as I read your last post. I remember that time of my grief so vividly. I don't really know how to answer your questions...

"So here's my question of the day: How do you learn to accept the new person you've become? I'm no longer the friend that can put other people's happiness before my own. I'm no longer innocent and naive regarding pregnancy. I'm no longer a woman who has had no significant loss in her life. I'm now a mom. I'm now a mom whose only child has passed away. I'm now a high-risk woman."

I am still struggling with who I am now. I have lost my husband to divorce also during this past year...so I have lost so much, but also have gained so much. I am just starting to like who I am becoming and look forward to the future when I have fully embraced my new self. So I guess it is time and a continuous journey. You may lose some friends, but I can tell you, you will gain new and sometimes better friends. You are right....you are a mom and never forget that. sometimes when we don't have our child to hold our momness feels like it fades away.

As far as high risk....I am not fully sure what you are refrencing. If you mean for your next pregnancy....really research all your options. Just because we lost a baby...does not automatically put us in the high-risk category. Like you said in your 1st post, you are a healthy 26 yr old...don't let the doctors take that away from you. You have time and a lot of processing to do, just take care of yourself these next 5 wks and do what you need to do on your personal journey of grief.

[butternut]

Wilkers--you can journal, write, rant, ponder, grieve ...anything here as long and as much as you want. No question of misuse. I am constantly amazed at the wonderful warm women here just waiting to hold us when we fall.
You sound like a wise, insightful mamma to me. Connor was a lucky baby to have you and I am so sorry you have lost him. Your dh and friends sound supportive. As you said, it can be impossible for anyone else to understand who has not gone through it.
I just want to share with you a bit of my story: I lost my first baby at just 12 weeks after getting pregnant the first month of trying and feeling great, all the right signs. It was an utter shock to me to lose my baby. I know for me as it was my first pregnancy, I felt so despondent just not knowing if I would ever had any living babies at all. We tried again at exactly 3 months after our loss and again got pregnant the first month--and now our son is six years old. I have had many more losses since then, but I know the first loss was different. I just want to share my story because it can go right the next time...and that is what I will keep in my prayers for you. I am thinking about you and your beautiful Connor (what a fantastic name for an Irish day baby).
Keep writing. We will listen.

[wilkers8]

Well, I think the stage of "anger" has set in. My temper fuse is so short and I've found myself taking pleasure in other people's pain. This is completely opposite of my previous personality so I'm feeling a tad guilty.

My husband and close friends are extremely supportive and are doing a wonderful job at what to say/do. However, friends that are not as close but we consider good friends are starting to come around now. Only they act as if nothing happened. I can tell they think it's better that no one even mention something happened or that I was ever pregnant. I asked my husband if this reaction bothers him...he said it's not what he prefers but he doesn't want to make others uncomfortable. I, on the other hand, feel like it's my duty to make sure everyone acknowledges Connor. I get upset when they don't ask how big he was or what he looked like, etc. I know it's not really fair. We're young and our friends have never experienced anything like this or known anyone who has. So how could I possibly expect them to ask these things when the concept of even being pregnant was new to them. But I can't help pointing out when they say something stupid or incorrect, even though I know I'm making them feel bad or uncomfortable despite their intentions being good. But the bottom line is, I realized that this was how I was feeling when I was so overjoyed when my best friend asked me if she could have a copy of one of Connor's pictures. That my son meant so much to not just my husband and I but her as well, is what I need to know.

Meanwhile, my body continues to respond quickly. My post delivery bleeding has almost stopped. My breasts are no longer leaking. My weight continues to drop. Yet I can't bring myself to attempt to put my jeans back on. I don't want to wear my maternity pants either. I always expected the day when my pants would fit again to be a wonderful day. I can't believe how drastically different I feel about the experience now. Having people tell me how envious they are of my body's return to non-pregnant stage is such a depressing statement now.

So here's my question of the day: When people prefer to avoid/ignore that Connor is our son and that he is no longer with us physically, do you ever think of them in the same light? Do you ever forgive them?

[butternut]

Ah, I think this is such a painful point! I really hope someone out there can give you some wise answers, because I have struggled with this with every loss. After my first, I sent out Christmas cards about two months later, each handmade and different. One friend who received a slightly humorous one commented, "Oh I was so relieved to see you had gotten your sense of humor back!" I felt like screaming at her--"I did not lose my sense of humor!! I lost my baby!!" I didn't, of course, but sometimes I wish I had. I am not one to hold a grudge but still now after 8 years I feel a sense of anger when I remember that incident.
I am also dealing with the say-nothing-and-it-was-nothing attitude a lot of people have--especially from co-workers. I complained to my mom and wondered if I am expecting too much to just have people acknowledge our loss, and she said maybe I am. She didn't mean to be mean, but her point was that most people have not experienced this and many people have not experienced any kind of loss at all--and they truly do not know what to say or how to act. They may truly believe that the best thing to do is to ignore it--they "don't want to upset you." I know, completely illogical as you are "upset" already...and more than they ever will know. I don't know--I don't think ignorance excuses them and I don't think we as the ones who have lost a baby must be the super-understanding ones here...but it may help to realize they really do not know how awful they are being. I find that letting go of the ones who don't matter to me so much personally has been best, while those whom I thought I had a closer relationship with, I try to point out to them the magnitude of my loss.
I don't know if any of this is helpful. Really I just wanted to say I understand the anger and I also find it completely frustrating.

[Freckles]

Wilkers, in response to your question of the day: When people prefer to avoid/ignore that Connor is our son and that he is no longer with us physically, do you ever think of them in the same light? Do you ever forgive them?

I can totally relate! When Christmas 2003 came (8 months after our first born went to heaven - he lived for one hour after his birth), no one mentioned our son or said anything in his memory but my husband and I were thinking of him the entire time someone opened a present or "oohhed and aahhed" over someone else's baby.

The one year anniversary of his death (April 14, 2004) is just around the corner but I know my family won't remember that date. They've gone on with their lives and we're still suffering and mourning. It's a constant struggle for us to keep smiling, to keep breathing, to keep living :crying

But do I forgive them? Yes b/c we have to accept that our pain cannot possibly be their pain, that their lives are not the same as ours and that they do care but may not show it all the time.

It's very hard b/c I want them to mention our son by name or say something special about him (everyone held him after he passed and kissed him so they know how beautiful he was) but I can't remember the last time that happened. I want them to remember as we do but that's not the case either.

I believe we have to accept that part of life and move on the best we can. You will always have Connor in your heart wherever you go, even if others forget.

With love

[SweetTeach]

Freckles and butternut, I think you two hit the nail on the head. I feel like one of the hardest part of greiving is interacting with other people. It's exhausting to have to manage or at least respond to (or choose not to) everyone else's reactions to your loss.

I hate the fact that when [i]I[/] choose to not to talk about my son's death with people other than close friends or family, it means he doesn't get spoken about at all.

And then there's always the- awkwardly placed in the middle of a conversation- "Well, you're doing well" or "you're in good spirits today." The next time someone says something like that to me I'm gonna say- "Yeah I am. I make it a point to come out of my depressed funk at least once a day to make people like you feel better about my loss." :splat

Hmph. I know you don't want to hear this wilkers, but you have a LONG road ahead of you. Remember, this is a cyclical process- anger today, despair tomorrow, fear, you name it. It's all gonna keep coming back around again. Keep talking it out and ((hugs))

[KatherineinCA]

"Do you ever think of them in the same light?"

No.

"Do you ever forgive them?"

Gradually...

This is still a hard topic for me. I can feel the emotions stirring as I start to remember the hurtful things that were said and done. I learned who I could turn to, I learned that some people I had trusted and been close to really have no emotional depth or capacity. This has changed the way I interact with them, and I imagine that it will always be this way. You can't force emotional depth with someone! I also don't feel angry at people anymore. As time passes, I am able to see that they did their best in their own, limited way.

But, there are some who initially didn't respond well, but later redeemed themselves. I just kept talking about my baby, and as I kept the door open, quite a few friends then would start talking more and asking how I was doing, and they really made up for their initial silence. Yes, it totally stinks that the one who's hurting has to do the work. That's our messed-up, death-denying culture at work. There were days that I wished we still had the customs associated with mourning, including wearing black and being expected not to attend social functions. What a great protection for a grieving mom. Nowadays, we're supposed to be "back to normal" so quickly.

BTW, a resource on grief that I like is "The Grief Recovery Handbook" and they have a web site. They have a very thorough discussion of all the ways our society mishandles grief. It helped me to read it and see that I was not alone in feeling crazy because no one would talk about this horrendous thing that had just happened to me. And I still know who never acknowledged my baby's loss. It's weird. I just do.

There's so much more I could say on this topic.

Just know that you're not alone in your anger and frustration. It hurts so bad when people don't talk about your baby!

Love,
Katherine

[wilkers8]

As I read XM's beautiful post about her daughter's anniversary, I cried almost as hard as the day they told me Connor was gone. Realizing that this pain WILL continue to return at key moments in our lives, scares me. Seeing how each of you can so easily relate to things I say now, it's as if I see a glimpse of myself in two years. Based on her posts, I'm hoping the glimpse will be similiar (strong woman, strong relationship with husband, honored first child, a second child, etc)...that good things can happen next but knowing/accepting that the pain will be still so close.

Meanwhile in my current state, we went out yesterday to watch the NCAA tournament. I was nervous for the event since I knew that this would be a group of people that preferred to ignore everything. After a while, I kept having to stand up (sitting on a stool for a while was not the best idea). One of the guys at the table turned and asked me "Why do you keep standing up? Are you restless?". I had already warned everyone at the table that I could be set off at just about anything so I didn't hestiate but to respond with "Well, I spare you the fine details but things happen after you give birth!" I knew immediately that I had pretty much made him feel like complete crap but I refused to apologize. As much as I know 1.) he is a guy 2.) he's just one of my husband's drinking buddies 3.) he's had no experience with a loss of a child, I still can't help but to expect certain things. First, acknowledge that we had a son and have lost him. Second, don't ask me stupid questions (especially if you don't do the first one). Those seem like such small expectations but I've quickly learned how unrealistic they are. I'm very lucky to have my husband and close friends.

I'm nervous about talking about this next thing but too many strange things have happened and it's prompted the question of the day. Please note that I didn't really realize all of these things right away but recently it's all been so vivid. In addition, I don't really believe in these types of things but I can't help but get chills or notice them more now. The day that I returned home from the hospital, I realized that my watch battery had stopped. When did it stop, Monday late afternoon. I knew something was wrong Monday evening and confirmed it on Tuesday morning. Connor was delivered exactly three months earlier than his due date (6/17). Connor was delivered on my half birthday (9/17). My husband always joked with me that our children would be considered only Irish (I'm a great big mixture of backgrounds and he is 100% irish), so having Connor be born on St. Patrick's Day only seems fitting. And then last night, I had my first dream since my pregnancy stopped. Connor was born alive and only survived for the night. My husband and I were able to see him look at us. We were able to feel him move. We were able to see him breathe. I was able to feed him. I woke up in tears and then just went into the nursery and sat in the rocker for a while. But instead of being hysterical, I was strangely content.

So here's my new question of the day: Am I finding/creating these things so that I feel like Connor is still with me?

[gossamer]

Dear WIlkers,
I too lost my firstborn Mary Rose. I was 25 weeks pregnant and contracted Pre-Eclampsia and HELLP syndrome. My daughter survived for an hour, unfortunately I was still under anesthesia when she died, so I never got to see her or hold her while she was alive. I am so increadibly sorry for your loss. It has now been 8 months since I came home without a baby and it has been the hardest 8 months of my life.

The one thing I can tell you is that it does get better. You will never forget Connor (you wouldn't want to), but the pain will become bearable. I also believe that love crosses the placenta as much as blood and oxygen do and your son Connor knows how much you love him and how precious he is to you. The short time he had here in this world, you provided a warm, safe, and loving environment for him.

Be sure to give yourself time. Being a childless mother changes who we are. Don't be afraid to explore and embrace yourself right now. Grief is a journey, not an event.

I am so glad you have such a supportive husband. This time in your life will surprise you with who reaches out and who pulls away. You will discover friend syou never knew you had and you will also discover friends you thought you had aren't really. Please know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. If you want to pm or e-mail me please feel free.
Gossamer

[Smithie]

Um, hi. I don't know if it's appropriate for me to partipate here or not. I'm 31 weeks pregnant and judging from the way my rib is being pulverized, my son is still among the living.

What I wanted to tell you is that a woman at full term whom I met when I was 3 months along, the SIL of my best friend, lost her baby on the day she was was scheduled to be induced. He strangled on the cord. They had a funeral, etc. and he has a name and the whole family was able to deal with it as a child's death and not and "accident" or some such hideous euphemism.

While dealing with the fallout from this tragedy, my friend was pretty much unable to talk to me about my baby or celebrate how healthy he seemed to be and how great I was feeling. Even though she wasn't the bereaved mom, "just" an aunt, she went to a very dark place and had to deal with all kinds of rage and fear and do the whole grieving thing.

And I didn't mind. I understood that where she was at emotionally and where I was at emotionally were just not compatible places, and that she would be back in my life and involved with the baby as soon as she could. I'm sure that your friends who recently delivered will welcome you into their babies' lives with open arms whenever you are ready for that.

I am so sorry for your loss.

[KatherineinCA]

Wilkers,

In answer to your new question, I don't think you're creating these things, I do believe Connor is still with you. My pregnancy with Kevin was very unusual for me in that he was talking to me and showing himself to me before I was pregnant, and then continued communicating with me throughout the pregnancy, and he has been near me since he died. He's given me a lot of information to help me better understand his purpose and why his path took the course it did. I have also seen and felt the spirit of my daughter from my ectopic pregnancy. I think our babies' spirits definitely stay close to us and try to communicate with us as much as we will allow them to.

Love,
Katherine

[wilkers8]

Two weeks today, I said goodbye to my son. I'm not sure what scares me more...that it's already been two weeks or at some point I will no longer be counting weeks.

Logically (even before the results come back), I know that I couldn't have prevented what happened. Emotionally, I can't help but feel like I didn't protect Connor. He was completely dependent upon me and I can't help but feel like I missed something. I've read enough books on the subject that I know this is a normal reaction but for the first time I am listening to my heart more than my head even if it's causing me pain.

I've found that I'm much more civil to stupid questions when the situation is not uncomfortable (meaning they are not ignoring Connor and what happened). For instance, the other day a good high school friend of mine and her husband came over to visit. I was somewhat dreading the visit (I do that for all first time visits since I don't know how they will respond). However, I was very happy with the visit. They asked me questions about Connor, about our feelings, about the situation. About an hour into the conversation her husband asked us "Were those difficult decisions (regarding the questions such as Will you name the baby, etc)?". Since the visit was comfortable at that point, my husband was able to joke and respond with "Well, it wasn't choosing bacon or sausage with my eggs". Although, it was such a stupid question, it didn't make me mad...I only laughed. However, for those that ignore things...the slighest comment completely sets me off and I enjoy making the person feel as uncomfortable as I possibly can (not a pleasant personality trait right now).

Being a mom with no living child means my life activities could return to pre-pregnancy. This is the biggest double edge sword that I've ever felt. On one hand, sure I would love to take a trip to Europe this summer but it's a remainder that we now don't have Connor and this summer we're free to do anything. Sure, I would love to go out drinking and socializing but it's a remainder that my body doesn't need to be alcohol free for the pregnancy or nursing. The list of things just goes on and on. I know that I have to move on with my life and sitting in my home not doing anything will only make me more depressed but why does everything have to be such a struggle with my emotions.

So I've pretty much been avoiding such things as alcohol, any pills that you couldn't take when pregnant, etc. Somehow it makes me feel that I have changed...that I am a mom now. I guess that's my problem. I know I'm a mom now but what does that mean. I know it means I love Connor and would have done anything for him to be here now. I know it means my heart will never be full since he's not here. What I don't know is the common mom things such as what it's like to feed your child, what it's like to watch your child sleep, what it's like to comfort your child when they cry, etc. It never bothered me when I had to respond to someone's request with "we can't do that this summer since we'll have a baby". Now, we have no ties and can do whatever we want. I don't think there is anything more depressing then that.

So here's my question of the day: How do I accept that my life doesn't need to change now (obvsiouly, emotionally my life is completely different but I mean physically) that my only child is gone?

[simple gifts]

I lost my son at 28 weeks. He lived for a few hours, I got to see and hold him. I later went on to have other children.

What I want to say to you is that was 23 years ago. In some ways, it seems like yesterday. The pain did get better, yes, but the pain is always lurking around. Do I say I have 5 children, or 6. Milestone years (He would be learning to drive this summer, he would be leaving for college) are still difficult.

You will forgive people who react badly. You will always react better from now on. You will feel badly for a long time, and the pain will come back at odd times, when you least expect it. You will feel guilty, even after you accept that it was out of your control. When you have other chldren, you will feel guilty about things to do with them as well, that's a mom thing, not a grief thing.

Your other children will talk about your son, and that will make you happy and sad.

And as to your question of the day, your life has changed. Yes, you could choose to do things that you could not do a few weeks ago. Then again, if you are considering another child, you can stay "pure" just so you feel safer the next time. You are a mother, and acting as if you are is not a bad thing. Just as pregnant and nursing moms will sometimes choose to have a drink, for instance, you can choose to not, for now.

Much sympathy to you and your husband.

[wilkers8]

So what's going through my mind now...obsession with reading and anger.

I ordered some of the books that were posted as resources. I'm reading them so fast (seems to be a book a day). Although, I think what they are bringing me is appreciation that others have it worse (poor relationship with husband, no supportive close friends, anger/distrust with medical professionals, etc). I mean the grief of losing a child is the same (across any loss) but there are huge differences of everything else (guilt, memories, regrets, etc). I am slowing starting to be able to see the good things in what happened to Connor. I'm happy for this...I want to be able to think about my pregancy with Connor and smile.

In this day and age, I'm amazed that people can't take two minutes and go out to the internet and research what to say/do for us (I applaud anyone reading this who is looking for insight for their loved ones). Instead, I'm finding that most people just ignore us (with some of them sending flowers/cards at least). I was telling my mom how much that avoidance was bothering me and her response was "They are uncomfortable". I wanted to scream..."So am I. I lost my child and the last thing I'm about to do is make sure every one else feels comfortable." At this stage, I'm just not willing to let others make me feel guilty. Whereas, my mother just doesn't want to be confrontational. For example, a co-worker of my mom's is pregnant. She is at the same stage as I was, so my mom would always look at her for the past 27 weeks and think...that's what my daughter looks like today. So obvisiously seeing this person right now is difficult for my mom. Another co-worker had the nerve to tell my mom that she is making this girl uncomfortable and needs to handle things better. My mom did not say anything back. However, I was so angry upon hearing this. I told my mom to do and not do whatever she wants right now. She just lost her first and only grandson. Why is this such a hard concept for people to grasp?

So that's it...the question of the day: Why do people expect us to work and ensure that no one else is uncomfortable? If they are concerned about us then why should I be worrying if they are ok.

[Jacque Savageau]

Good question - I wish I had a solid answer.

You're grief sounds SO similar to what I felt when Amanda was stillborn. I couldn’t get enough information on stillbirth and the loss of a child. I remember feeling 'stuck' in anger for a very long time too.

What I do think now is that anger isn't a true emotion. I think there are underlying emotions that we're either not able to or unsure of how to deal with. Anger is part of 'letting go' and that's a very hard thing to do.

In a world were every thing is moving at the speed of light, society feels that grief should too. I've heard countless times someone advising a grieving person to seek medications and/or therapy because a few months after a loss they're still feeling it.

The intensity of grief seems to last about a year. It's the year of first without that person. No, you shouldn't be locked in a dark room crying all the time, but if you find yourself there every now and again, that's OK!

The loss of a child brings on some very different grief. This is why this forum exists and isn't just bulked into the general grief and loss. Losing a parent or grandparent, we lose our past. When we lose our child, we lose our future and dreams.

I wouldn't compare the losses on which is worse or easier, that's unique to each individual, but losing a child at or before birth is a VERY unique loss. People around you didn't get to know the baby as you did. They didn't hold baby inside their body and nurture it. Their bodies did not change to meet the needs of the child.

Yes, a lot of stupid people and a lot of stupid comments out there. I wish we could find ways to educate people and let them know that grief is NORMAL and NECESSARY. People who allow themselves to properly grieve go on with their lives.

Sending you huge hugs. How are you feeling physically now?

[KatherineinCA]

Wilkers,

All I can say is that I still get angry. For the most part I do okay, but reading about your mom's co-worker, I felt this rage bubbling up inside me. How dare they? Hearing stories like that triggers all the pain inside me over how much my baby's death was minimized, and still is, in many ways.

I guess all I can offer at this point is the reassurance that you're not alone, you are a normal grieving mother, and there are a lot of idiots out there. And if one more person says to me, "Oh, they mean well..." I really don't believe that everyone means well. Some people just don't want to focus on someone else besides themselves. That was an important realization for me. About eight months after Kevin died I ran into someone I (thankfully) don't see too often. After my conversation with her, I realized that some people truly don't care that my baby died. It was a major breakthrough for me to finally get that. There are some people who aren't even trying to find the right thing to say, they truly don't get that anything needs to be said. It still gets to me, but I'm trying so hard to recognize the friends and family who have been truly empathetic and supportive.

Love and support,
Katherine

[wilkers8]

Physcially, I seem to be recovering quickly and easily. My breasts have stopped leaking and my bleeding has stopped as well. My weight loss has remained the same but I'm still losing inches and probably gaining muscle weight - starting to work out more each day. However, my chest always feels heavy. I know this is only in my mind but I seriously believe in feeling a heartbreak now.

For the most part, I attempt to stay busy throughout the day by cleaning, tasks for the house, financial budgeting, etc. This does seem to help me not focus on the loss of Connor 100% of the time. Unfortunately, every task seems so pointless now. Especially since the one thing I wanted the most is the one thing I have no control over. Ironic!

I've noticed that I can pretty much tie anything and everything to Connor. Especially right now as this evening would have been our first Parenting Class offered by the hospital. I had my first drink and it was such an emotional roller coaster. Who would have ever thought that having a drink would be so traumatic. I'm even finding myself hating the idea of Spring being here. I'm coming to terms that for the next couple of months everything will be a double edge sword.

My husband & my close friends have always been so supportive in my life and up to this point have always been able to make me happy or fix the problem. This time, there's no fix...there's no making me happy. I know that this hurts them as well as me and my husband but this is something that will now always be a part of me. Really...a hole in me.

I have been able to talk openly and honestly regarding when I can see my beautiful goddaughter (who was born this last Dec) and my friend who is expecting at the same time Connor was due. However, it doesn't stop the guilt I feel for not being a part of key moments in their life. They have both reassured me that they will support me on my time schedule but it's completely unfair to them. I know I need to do what's best for me now but is avoiding them really helping me?

So for the question of the day: Avoiding the people closest to me (my close pregnant friend or my goddaughter) during their key moments in life, won't this just make me have regrets later?

[KatherineinCA]

I actually regretted pushing myself to be out around people too soon. Looking back, I wish I had stayed home for about the first two months. Probably would have been impossible, but still, I think my grief was compounded by too many painful interactions. I bought a gift for my friend's baby boy who was born the week after Kevin, and I went to a friend's baby shower, I still can't believe I did that! Also, a friend in my homeschooling co-op was due two months after me and was planning a homebirth with the same midwives. It was so much better for me when I finally pulled out of that co-op. At about three months, I finally realized I wasn't coping very well, and started staying home more, protecting myself more, skipping baby showers and baby blessings, and that really seemed to help me. I think some things are just too painful and we need to protect ourselves for a time.

So, my answer to your question is that I still don't regret the events that I missed, I only regret the ones I pushed myself to go to that basically just re-traumatized me.

About a year after Kevin's stillbirth, several close friends had baby boys. I was close enough to them and doing so much better that I was able to celebrate the births of those babies and I have spent lots of time holding them. So, the need to protect yourself from other babies doesn't last forever, it's just the first little while.

[wilkers8]

It's been three weeks today. Three weeks since my life completely changed. Only my life didn't change in the way I had planned for it to change. I was looking forward to my life being completely different and now I dread how different my life is. Instead of being tired staying up late feeding Connor...I'm tired from staying up late missing Connor. Instead of having to decline invitations to events due to a newborn...I'm dreading receiving invites due to no newborn to prevent me from going. This list just is never-ending.

My anger is as strong as ever. Instead of being happy when I see a mom with a baby, my first thought is "She probably smoked crack and still has that baby". I know...horrible, but I can't help it. I'm so jealous that this person has something I had planned so perfectly. We had discussed when exactly to try. We managed to get pregnant exactly when we decided to try. We wanted Connor before he was even conceived and it makes me so angry that people who don't even know if they want their pregnancy...end up with a living child.

That's another thing..."living child" versus "healthly child". I get so angry reading some of these books where they indicate the probablity is in your favor that your next preganancy will result in a healthy child. Although, I haven't received all of Connor's tests...I'm pretty positive he was healthly. He's just not alive anymore. And even if he wasn't, I would give or do anything for Connor to be with us regardless. I find it offensive to believe that I would rather have him gone than have him here with an illness!

We will be attending our first support group for bereaved parents of infant loss tomorrow. I've never been to a support group before. I'm not sure whether we will find comfort there but we are willing to try anything. I'm a little anxious to attend and face the other people who are in our same situation.

I'm starting to get anxious for the 22nd to get here. I want to know the results of Connor's tests. Even if they do return as "unknown cause of death"...at least we'll know that a majority of things were ruled out (genetic, etc). Plus, I want to be checked in order to see if we can start trying again (that's if my period returns in the next week). I've been reading the book "Trying Again" and I have found this resource very useful. Although, I don't enjoy knowing that simple questions such as "Is this your first?" will be so emotional for me...it is preparing me for what it means to be me now. What events/questions/statements will trigger deep pain in me. They seemed like such innocent questions when I was pregnant with Connor. Funny how things change!

I was reading online yesterday where I saw the question "Do you remember your last happy moment?" This triggered so many emotions in me. Just the other day I looked at our wedding picture and thought "We had no clue what we were in store for. I'll never be as happy and naive as I was on that day". Do I realize that someday I will be happy again...yes. However, I also realize that I will never be completely happy and fullfilled since I will always have a part of me missing. I will always have the fear of remaining (or returning to) a mother with no living child.

So here's my question of the day (since the idea of having a happy moment again seems so hard to believe): Have you had any happy moments since the loss of your child? If so, what were they (if you don't mind sharing)?

[XM]

Willikers, I have been thinking of you every day. We are in the middle of a move right now and won't have internet till next week ( I am paying out the nose at Kinko's right now to check in) but once I have a chance I definitely want to discuss the questions you've brought up.

Its so hard to see pregnant mamas or new babies those forst several months. There was a teen mom that also went to my doctor, she was shooting up speed and didn't even know who the dad was... she had a (relatively) healthy, live baby boy a few weeks after Xiola died. I had been counting my protein grams and eating my veggies... where was the justice in this? Oh, I was so angry... what's more, I felt like a failure that a 16yo speed freak could have a live baby and I didn't.

I definitely want to say that every thing you have mentioned resonates with me... I had so many of the same questions and concerns myself... I admire how you and all of the mamas here are being so honest and open in processing your grief... as much as the world may just want you to get on with life, the only way to truly heal is to experience your loss honestly. Eventually, because you are doing this hard, hard work, your grief will become something that is a facet of your self, instead of what defines yourself. I'm still doing the work myself... I think I always will be.

Big, big hugs, mamas. To all of you.

[wilkers8]

Just when I think how could I have more to write...the thoughts just never stop. I appreciate everyone's responses and I hope that my rambling brings others as well as myself some peace.

I'm still trying to adjust to people's reactions. A friend of mine just found out this past week about Connor. He called (which is a plus versus just sending a note and then proceed to avoid/ignore me) but one of his first statements was "My sister lost a child but went on to have two more". At first I was very happy, then I asked the question "was it a miscarriage or stillborn or SIDS"...he had no clue. I immediately felt so sorry for his sister. Her own brother didn't understand what happened and never tried to figure it out (his excuse...he was away at college). I proceeded to educate him and things went much smoother after that. An hour later he indicated that he would be sending his sister an apology. I heard from him this morning and he told me that his sister said to say thank you. My friend had no idea that his sister had been upset for the past five years.

Primarily, I'm dealing with feeling like I have a contagious disease and it's better off if people are not around me. For some people (prefer to avoid me people), they make me feel this way. For other people (pregnant friends), I'm terrified that somehow I will jinx them. I know that is stupid but I can't help it. Logic doesn't seem to prevail anymore...Logic would indicate that our son should be with us.

Last night, I went to start filling out the baby book we had purchased in Feb for Connor. This had to be the most depressing thing yet. I opened it to see all of these pages for first steps, first tooth, etc. I must have cried for hours. I couldn't bring myself to fill out one page in this book...knowing that it would always be primarily empty. So instead, I searched online for a baby book who has died and I found one at www.aplacetoremember.com. I placed the order immediately. I'm hoping that I will be able to fill out a book for Connor and not have it represent everything he/we missed out on.

We didn't end up attending the bereaved parents on infant loss support group last night. My husband didn't feel ready to share about Connor with strangers...yet. As of right now, we're planning on attending the next meeting but it's not until next month. I was ok with his feelings of not wanting to go yet as I was nervous about my reaction to other people's stories so soon after losing Connor.

I'm starting to exercise even more lately. Seems to be a way for me to release frusteration and actually benefit from it as well. I still can't bring myself to try on my old pants (although I swear my hips are wider!). However, my husband's actions are helping me to want to continue to have my body return to pre-pregnancy state. He makes me feel sexy despite my lack of wanting to do my hair, wear makeup, etc. One of the things I used to be worried about is that my husband (and/or I) would not see me in the same light after delivery of a child. Definitely not a problem for us...our problem is trying to wait for the doctor's ok.

Then again most of the things I worried about last month seem so stupid now. In addition to sexual attraction afterwards, I worried about delivery, I worried that my body wouldn't return, I worried about not knowing if I was in labor, etc. What stupid things to worry about. I mean there were two things that I was worried about that now seem to be even more likely to me now. I was worried that it would take us a long time to conceive. However, we managed to take only one attempt and Connor was conceived. Also, I was worried about miscarriage (I was well aware of how possible that scenerio was) so we didn't tell many people prior to hitting 12 weeks. However, I never worried about having a stillborn. It didn't even occur to me! I know it wouldn't have prevented what happened but I honestly believed that when I saw Connor during the ultrasound, everything would go just as planned. I couldn't have been any farther from the truth!

So here's my question of the day: Will I ever forgive myself for assuming everything would go as planned once I hit the second trimester? Could/Should I have done more to savor this pregnancy? I wish I had a picture of how my stomach was before we induced. I had taken the just "found out" picture but I have no end pregnancy picture. I already can't remember how big my stomach was.

[wilkers8]

It will be a four weeks tomorrow. The worst weeks of my life...more painful than I could have ever imagine death could be. I know people should normally be optimistic, however, I think someone should have really warned me that losing a child would be the worst thing that could ever happen. At least I know now, I (with the help of my husband and close friends) will be able to handle anything the future holds because nothing can be as painful as this.

How pathetic is this...I didn't even realize that this past weekend was Easter until Friday. Once I did realize it was Easter, it made no difference. Just didn't seem to mean anything. Six months ago, we were debating on whether we would be traveling to visit the in-laws during my third trimester. When my father-in-law passed away in Feb, we decided we wouldn't risk the travel. All the plans...all the worrying of what would/wouldn't happen...didn't matter. My mom spent the afternoon with me on Friday. She was nervous about telling me that she had to buy Connor something for Easter (so she bought a little rubber duck), but I was so happy to hear this. She thought I would find it stupid but I was reassured that she would always consider Connor her first grandchild. Meanwhile, my mother-in-law nervously shared with me (afraid I wouldn't want to hear this) that on Easter she heard my father-in-law's voice saying "bet, bet (his nickname for her)! He's ok. He's ok." She found so much comfort in knowing that he was with Connor that she wanted to share this with me. I do take comfort in knowing he's with his wonderful grandpa. Some have even tied the fact that this is why he died six weeks prior to Connor's death (even though it was a long battle to cancer this man was determined to make certain milestones. I will admit that I was surprised he didn't make it until June...I guess now I know why).

I think this is what has lead me to the biggest change in my life...I'm no longer afraid to die. Don't get me wrong, I'm not by any means suicidal. However, this is a strange comfort in knowing that death would mean being re-united with Connor. I'm definitely not rushing to that as it would mean giving up everything else and as much as I miss Connor, I wouldn't want to leave my husband and the dream of children to raise behind. So seeing Connor will have to be far in the future.

So I've taken everyone's advice on not pushing myself even though I hate the idea of not being a good friend. I decided to not attend my best friend's baptism this past weekend. This was the first event in her life that I've missed since we were 10 years old. She understands, which makes me feel less guilty, but I just hope I don't look back and regret missing it. I've also made the decision not to attend my friend's baby shower (the one that is due 5 days after Connor was due). I'm having much more guilt about this decision (even though she also understands). I just feel like I'm taking my anger/envy/pain out on her precious child. Eventually, I will be incrediably tied to her child (almost to the point of obsession) due to how close everything was to Connor and what we shared together (the first 27 weeks of pregnancy) but right now it's just to hard.

Aside from a few instances of anger this week including the insurance guy receiving my wrath. I had to call the disability insurance company with the date/type of my delivery. He proceeded to say "Congrats!". I responded with "Actually, I delivered a stillborn son. So congrats is really not in order." DEAD SILENCE. I gave him the date and type and hung up the phone. Later when a friend called for the first time and as I was explaining what happened, my friend said "you mean you had
to deliver it". Suddenly, I wanted to scream "his name was Connor...not it".

However, the screaming desires have not been as intense. I no longer walk down the street and see a pregnant woman or a mom with a newborn and think "You did crack and you still have that baby". I know...horrible. However, now when I see these people, I'm jealous beyond imagination. They have what I want. See I was always terrified about marriage or being a parent (bad family life with my father) but when I met my husband, my whole perspective changed. Marriage...a happy, healthly marriage was possible. Then I started to overcome my fear of being a mom...a good mom. So we decided to try for Connor. I thought it was a sign that I was meant to be a mom considering Connor was conceived in only one attempt. Now I'm a mom but I can't prove to anyone or myself that I'm a good one. The worst part...when my husband's father passed away (this wonderful man), I was angry and realized my worst fear is that my father would outlive my children. So far...my fears have all come true. I pray that my new worst fear...that I'll never have a living child, doesn't come true also.

So here's the question of the day: How do you get beyond feeling like a bad mother given that your child didn't survive?

[butternut]

wilkers-I wish I could anser your question...but I just want to tell you you are not a bad mother! I have also struggled with this with every loss (did I eat right? did I worry too much? did I expose myself to something horrbile? is it just my bad body????) But the whys we cannot get answers to, but do know it has NOTHING to do with you being a bad mother. You justy have to know that.

I actually reacted quite a bit to the part about your FIL dying and the feeling that he is with Connor. I wrote somewhere else here on a thread that my mother told me the same thing after my first loss. I lost my first baby at 12 weeks and months later she told me she found some comfort in knowing that my father (who died when I was 6) also had the joy of a grandbaby of his own--I was stunned but at the same time I have actually been able to find a bit of comfort in the thought, that I have a special person in my life who also loves my babies caring for them. I can believe this. Maybe not everyone can, but I do.

You are wise to skip what you feel you want to skip. Take care of yourself--your friends will still be there.

[KatherineinCA]

Wilkers,

A thought about being a "bad" friend for missing your friend's shower...I actually think it's the more compassionate choice for her. She deserves to enjoy her shower and be the center of attention and have everyone congratulating her and being happy for her. The one shower I went to (because I wanted to be a good friend and support her), I realized that my presence actually detracted from her special day. Many of our friends were concerned about me (this was less than two months after Kevin's stillbirth), and so they were talking to me, focusing on me, and holding back their joy for our pregnant friend so as not to hurt me further. And she had to contain her joy because she also didn't want to hurt me. So after that I realized that it can actually be the better choice to stay away and let the mom have her day. I hope that helps offer another perspective.

And, yes, you will be obsessed with her baby. I believe the day will come when her baby is healing for you to see and hold, but not yet. The two baby boys that were born within two weeks of Kevin, I NEVER see them without thinking, "That's what my baby would have been doing." It's been 17 months, and I still think of my baby every time I see them (which is pretty often because we go to the same church and live in the same area.)

As for the feelings of being a bad mom. Even though our situations are different, I still struggle with this one, too. I feel like the only idiot around who has had so many complications and traumas trying to have children. Even though I know in my head that it's not true, it's still an issue. One thought I've had lately is that I've experienced a dimension of motherhood that very few women ever experience. I actually had no idea how much a mother can really love her child until Kevin was stillborn. I offended one of my friends when I told her that (all her children are living) and she made some comment that showed she really didn't absorb what I was saying. But I think sometimes it takes loss to show us how deep our love really goes. So I try to make myself feel better sometimes by telling myself that I've discovered an aspect of motherhood that most women never know. I've been doing this a lot lately in preparation of Mother's Day.

You're doing tough work, mama. You're facing this head-on, and that takes so much courage.

With love and support,
Katherine

[Mamid]

When I lost my son at 19 weeks, no one around me seemed to understand the pain I was going throught.

Favorite movie rentals of theirs: Look who's talking. That was rented 5 times in one month because the 7yo loved it. AUGH. And if they didn't rent that, they rented "She's having a baby" and other movies of that genre - birth stories!

I couldn't watch PBS' "Miracle of Life" for two years without breaking into tears.

I couldn't go down the baby/feminine hygeine aisle for two years without breaking into tears.

I couldn't stand seeing other women pregnant at the same time I should have been.

What really got me was that I was so deeply traumatized that I was put into a psych ward for a few days. I left on my own. I couldn't stay there because the stupid "supervising" doctor on "my case" decided that the best "therapist" for me would be a 7 month pregnant woman! I left because I couldn't stand seeing her. I wasn't allowed to rest which is what I needed and more importantly, they didn't believe me when I said that I needed the rest. Leaving was the best thing I did. I spent the next week with a friend and got all the rest and sleep I wanted. The amount of blood I lost was such that I needed a transfusion but wasn't given one so it took me a year to rebuild my blood volume naturally without taking supplements.

Sure.. incarcerate into a psych ward a woman who just lost a baby and make her take therapy with a woman who is just as pregnant if not more so than she was.:splat :splat

I look at the young teenagers and think - that could have been my baby....

13 years later and I am still not over it. The wound hurts less, but its still there.

[hmpc2]

Wilkers~ many :hug 's to you. I wish I could come by your place and just sit and listen to you. I am so impressed by your posts and your sincerity. What a great way to process your grief.

I want to assure you that the thoughts of death are not abnormal....I too am no longer afraid to die...but am not suicidal. I have talked to numerous moms and dad's who have felt the same way.

As far as feeling like a bad mom...you are not and never will be a bad mom. I remember feeling like I failed Adia b/c I didn't know that she was in distress and if I wouldn't have pushed...(during the fun pushing stage)...she would still be alive...thoughts like that...and at some point, I realized I could be the most amazing mom in the world and I still would not have known....I can't tell you when I stopped feeling like a bad mom...but I can tell you I did and know that I am a good mom to Adia and will be even a better mom to my future children because of what I learned from having Adia.

Take care of yourself....

[wilkers8]

Oh, Mamid, I'm so sorry that you were treated so horribly. I swear that sometimes I'm completely amazed at the lack of common sense people have around individuals with an infant loss. I think the sooner I come to term with this fact and accept that a majority of people will hurt me (granted unintentionally...I hope) at some point, the less painful it will be. I guess your post (and others) have made my point. Losing Connor completely impacts my future...13 years later and you can relate to the pain as if it just happened. Losing Connor is not something that time will fix, time will only make the pain less but it will never be gone.

Thank you Katherine for your insight both on the shower and motherhood. You're absolutely right. My friend completely deserves a wonderful and happy day! She's an amazing woman, who will be an amazing mommy. On the other topic, I never thought about viewing this as an aspect of motherhood that most women never know. I definitely take some comfort in knowing that I will never take a child for granted...that I now know what worth worrying about and what's not...that a person can be a mom even with no child. These are lessons that can only be completely understood after a loss.

I think I know now why I was dreading Spring...every baby on the face of this earth seems to be out and about. I can't even go to a bar without seeing a baby. Although I'm now dealing with strangers better, which gives me hope that I'll be able to see my god-daughter soon. I have so many friends that either just had babies or are pregnant now. Aside from two of my closest friends, I'm so envious of them. Not to mention, my terror that somebody will have the lack of common sense and make some statement such as "why did I get pregnant, this child is such a pain" or "I'm so tired, the baby kept me up all night". BOO-freakin-HOO!

We received the baby book that we ordered. The contents are so much better than the traditional baby book and it does look nice. However, I wanted something a little more indestructable (hard cover, etc). So my husband and I will be creating our own baby book, which means we won't have it completed for a while. Even though we'll have to wait before it's completed, it will be even more special since we created it just for Connor.

I'm so glad the hospital had this packet of information to give us. In the packet was an application for a birth certificate for a stillborn. I didn't even realize that being able to get an actual certificate would be so important to me until recently. I know realize that not all states have this so I feel lucky as this certificate somehow makes me feel as if Connor is being officially acknowledged. So we sent this the form this week and requested multiple copies.

I think the phone calls are worse now. Phone calls from people that you don't talk to on a regular basis but once in awhile. I mean I do appreciate people's attempts when they call but it's just so annoying to me now. When the phone calls happened during the first couple of weeks, people expected me to be sad. However, now people act like I should be moving on by now. I get comments like "Feeling any better yet" (like it's a horrible thing for me to be still sad that I lost my son), "You'll soon be back to your old self" (like a part of me won't be missing in the future), etc. Why is it so hard for people to understand...losing a parent, you lose your past. LOSING A CHILD...you lose a part of your future. I realize that upcoming holidays will get easier but I will always feel like something is missing...that's Connor. Every event in our lives, we will be missing sharing it with Connor. Will I still be happy...yes. However, it won't be on the same level as I used to be happy. I've come to terms with that my happiness has a new high level, why is this so difficult for everyone else.

Due to these responses, I do have fears that when/if we get pregnant again...people are going to assume we're beyond this tragic loss and it's no big deal now. When in fact, it will be quite the opposite. Our next child's first cry will be a reminder that we never heard Connor cry, our next child's first steps will remind us that Connor never got to walk...the list just goes on. So we've decided to not tell anyone but our closest friends until we're about 20 weeks. This will allow us to get through half of a pregnancy with only supportive people around.

So here's the question of the day: Is there any way, aside from pointing it out bluntly, that their comment was uncalled for and stupid? I'm definitely never afraid of confrontation (and fact have always preached reasonable confrontation is good) so my reaction is always to call out anything. However, this is different in that I know their intentions are good.

[KatherineinCA]

I think there are definitely ways to respond that can be educational, helpful and also protect your space. You shouldn't have to swallow all these comments that invalidate your pain. One I thought of, in response to "Oh, at least you..." is "No, there is no "at least." Likewise, a response to: "Well, it's easier that..." is "No, there is no "easier" here." That one occurred to me after a neighbor (who lost her first baby at 17 weeks, about ten years ago) said, "Well, at least with a stillbirth, you didn't have to walk around for a week knowing your baby was dead." I was so shocked that she could say that, that I just sat there looking at her. But later I wanted to yell at her that actually, when I miscarried at ten weeks, I walked around for a week and a half knowing my baby was dead, so did that count?. And with Kevin, I still labored for another 24 hours after I found out he had died and then was rolled into the OR facing another c-section, knowing my baby was dead. It was just a bizarre comment. Especially because I wasn't minimizing her loss, so why did she feel compelled to minimize mine? So that's when I promised myself that if I ever heard those phrases again, I would cut them off and remind them that there just isn't any "easier" or "at least" for me. Seriously--as soon as you hear the "at least" you break in and respond, that way you don't even have to hear which aspect of your experience they think makes it "easier". (That said, I have told myself plenty of "at leasts" but that's up to me.)

Maybe for "you'll soon be back to your old self", a response along the lines of, "from what I've been hearing, this is actually a very long process...". This could work for "feeling any better yet?", too. "Well, actually, other moms who've lost their babies say this is a very long process." I really like referring to other moms who've been through what you're going through. It helps you feel like you're part of a group instead of a lone weirdo who is mal-adjusted because you're not "feeling any better yet". And it also gives legitimacy to what you're saying. Almost like, "Well, this is what my research says." I've used this one a lot, especially around the year-mark when I fell apart all over again. I found myself often saying, "Well, from the moms I've talked to, I think it's just a really long process" (you know, when people were puzzled that I was still struggling.)

And, yeah, you will hear comments from people who are not getting enough sleep because of their babies. The strangest was an acquaintance whose fourth child was born on Kevin's first birthday (and Kevin was my fourth). It was an awful parallel because this person had been quite insensitive and hurtful to me. After her baby was born she was telling me how hard having four kids was, and she was talking like she fully expected me to empathize with her. I just sat there and looked at her until she changed the subject. I wish I could have thought of something to say. Maybe, "You definitely deserve support and empathy, but I'm just not the right person to offer it to you."

Okay, so you can tell I've put a lot of thought into how to respond to people. I got so tired of constantly being blindsided by people's comments, that I've tried to be more prepared!



Mamid--

Thanks for sharing your story. It's heartbreaking that they could be so cruel.

My husband's family thought I should be medicated last year. Why do people think that intense grief over a much-loved baby is abnormal?

[Mamid]

that was only a tidbit of my story. I wrote something for a birth advocacy site before the owner of said site and I had a falling out about the birth/death of my son. If I find it, I'll post it here.

[wilkers8]

Well, I just got the phone call that I've been waiting for. Our results are in and with luck we have managed to get an appointment today for 3:30.

I had no idea how I was going to last another week before we got the test results. I've already called one of my best friends (the amazing ob-gyn) for each panic attack I had. The first one was that Connor has a genetic brain disorder that no one would tell me about. The second one was that I had built up antibodies for Rh disease (I'm RH negative and my husband is positive). I think this week is the first time that I've wanted the results to come back unknown. I've been spending so much time worrying that the results will be horrible, unfixable and with no hope. They really need to speed up the process of these results, 4-6 weeks is just too freakin long!

So now I anxiously wait 3 and 1/2 hours for them to tell me what happened or that they can't explain why Connor died. Please don't let it be something that will prevent the possibility of siblings for Connor.

No question of the day...just fears!

[gossamer]

Wilkers,
My thoughts and prayers will be with you today. Please let us know the outcome if you feel like sharing.
Gossamer

[wilkers8]

Well, those four hours of intense anxiety for the results was for nothing. Turns out the nurse had made a mistake and all of our results were not back yet. My doctor has indicated that he will contact me directly when everything is back and complete. It could still be another few weeks (not even the 22nd now). I'm so frusterated. I just wanted closure. Even if the results are not a 100% conclusive or unknown, closure would be nice. However until that report is given to me, my life is on hold. No ability to decide when to try, no ability to release guilt, no ability to accept Connor's loss...not without the results.

During my anxiety attacks, I had created a list of questions for what I wanted to ask during the results meeting. I wanted to make sure that I don't miss anything even though I know my doctor won't mind me calling back if necessary. As I was writing the list I started to cry realizing that going to the doctor will never be the same. No longer will I be sitting in the exam room without a care or concern that something will go wrong. That statistics/odds of something horrible happening means very little now. I had always considered myself as someone who beats the odds (became successful despite so many people telling me I couldn't be...I was pretty rebellious in as a teenager) but I would give up everything that I've beaten the odds on for one day with Connor. Just one day of beating the odds of having a stillborn.

However, before we can even start worrying about the odds, I have to have a period again. I thought I would be dreading the day my period returned but I'm starting to get a little anxious. Before I was pregnant, I was on a pretty consistent 25 day cycle. I was hoping to be the person whose period returns about 4 weeks after delivery. Doesn't seem to be happening although I was having low back pain which is usually my sign that in the next day or two I would start. Guess it was a false call. Sure hope it doesn't take another 4 weeks!

Since we already had registered for Connor's baby shower and the furniture for the nursery had already arrived, my husband and I decided that we would continue to finish the nursery (it really helped that we didn't find out Connor's gender during the pregnancy. The nursery was never Connor's room...it was a room for a baby. We've decided that is what it will remain...a room for a baby.). Two of my friends purchased a couple of things off the registry that either matched something we already got or was something we really wanted and was afraid it wouldn't be there later. She brought the stuff over this afternoon. I was nervous that putting the bedding on the crib would be such a gut-wrenching experience but it gave me hope instead. Hope that one day, my husband and I will bring home a sibling for Connor.

Speaking of a possible sibling for Connor...I've decided that the statistics should really take into account the emotional distress of a subsequent loss. Logically, I know that this is impossible but I can't help but be frusterated. I'm now an individual that knows that aside from something happening to my husband the only thing that will truly have devasting effects on me is the loss of another child. Anything else would probably make me sad or sympathetic but nothing will be completely life altering as this. So knowing that I have the same odds of having this happen again just doesn't seem fair. Then again, losing Connor doesn't seem fair either.

My husband got a tattoo on Tuesday in memory of Connor. It looks awesome but as he put it best "I like my tattoo but I would rather have my baby". I think we could add that "but" to just about every statement, comment, etc that we have. I think this is the jist of why I'm searching for some answer. We were a couple who waited to make sure we would have a successful, happy marriage. We were a couple who waited until we had financial stability. We were a couple that waited until we owned a home. We were a couple that were mature enough to be parents. We were a couple who waited until both of us were ready to take the next step. Now we're a couple with all of these things but no living child...only the memory of Connor. Where's the logic in that!

On to the question of the day: How do I (as an incrediably logical and technical person) accept that what happen has no logic, no reason, no explanation and no cause but has a HUGE effect?

[Mamid]

You can't. Or at least I still haven't.

This is the first year that I haven't downed my sorrows in a chocolate cake on that day. I'd buy a chocolate cake from the store (McCain's deep and deliscious was good enough) and I'd growl at anyone who came near it. It was half celebration, half because I just wanted to cry.

Just because my baby died doesn't mean I can't celebrate his life. He did live for a few months and even a few minutes after birth. He even kicked me....

He was just too young to survive. He never cried... How could he when he was barely 300gms?

This is real hard right now because I'm just past the day in this pregnancy when I lost him in that one. Just past. And this baby is barely kicking so I'm more than a little worried.

Yeah, you're going to be paranoid in any future pregnancies. Hypervigilant even. And either doctors will take it in stride or they will think you're a crackpot. Considering 90% of all doctors are men, they don't understand the connection a women gets with even an embryo. Its beyond them. They will never understand the hormonal changes, the dreams that start up... Oh sure, they have the concept, but none of the emotions.

Men who have had wives that have lost pregnancies or stillbirths understand better since slowly over the course of the pregnancy, they begin to connect with the unborn child. But doctors? Cold, distant, men-who-would-be-gods have any understanding of what we go through?

Take your time to mourn.

A way to give life to your baby is when your baby was supposed to have started school in a few years from now, go to the teacher he was supposed to go to and give her a bouquet of flowers and tell her its because she's one student short or however you want to explain it. Or sponsor a disadvantage child at christmas time and get it at least one toy you would have gotten your baby. Or plant a tree. Or get school supplies age appropriate for the grade your child was going to go to and give it to the school's principal and tell them to give it to a disadvantage child...

I scattered my son's aches just off of a marine park near where I live. I doubt I'll ever be back or remember the exact location, but I know he's there, in the sea... If you can, why not bury your baby in the stillbirth section of a local cemetary? There's one at the one DS's grandma is buried at. I found it when I was giving DP some time with his family saying good bye to her a few years ago. It was so messy that I straightened some of the toys and other momentos. Then again, I do that to all the graves when I visit her grave.

Now I'm crying...

[wilkers8]

I think all of my writing has helped. I no longer feel like emotions are coming at me from every possible angle or that any little thing will set me either into a fit of rage or a crying tailspin. I knew that working through this wouldn't mean the pain of losing Connor would disappear but I did think it would lower some. However, I think I'm finally getting it...although other aspects will improve, the pain of losing Connor will always be intense and close to my heart. Only things will not trigger that pain every second of the day.

My shower would be this upcoming Sunday. The invites had not gone out yet so we didn't have much to do to cancel the plans. I'm not sure how I will do but at least I will have friends with me that weekend. One friend is going to stay with me on Sat (the day of my other friend's shower) and my two best friends are coming to spend the day with us on Sunday. Not sure what we will do instead...I'll probably just be crying most of the weekend due to missing my friend's shower and still having an empty nursery.

I wish the report would just return already. I realize that the people in that field are incrediably busy and are doing things as fast as possible but having to wait this long for the final results of what happened to Connor is like some form of cruel punishment. As if losing Connor wasn't difficult enough but now prolonging the results just makes things even more difficult. I did manage to find out that it was not Rh disease and Connor had no internal malformations. That helps to remove some of the horrible thoughts that have been going through my head.

Truthfully, I need the final results to give me some closure. Closure on accepting Connor is gone. Closure on accepting we couldn't have prevented it. Closure on accepting the end of this pregnancy. This will allow us to move forward. I don't want to stop grieving for Connor and I couldn't even if I tried. However, I want and need to move forward with my life. Until I can move forward, my life feels like it's on hold. My period returned on the 17th and yet I can do nothing but wait for the results and the go-ahead from the doctor to ttc. Every aspect of my life feels stalled...my career, my relationship with my family and friends and my ability to want to have fun. I know that getting pregnant again will not replace Connor or eliminate the sadness I feel. However, every reason I had for wanting to ttc last fall still applies and is now only more elavated. So all of my energy will be going towards continuing to find comfort and love in my familiy and friends, continuing to get my physical body ready for another pregnancy, and most importantly continuing to grieve the loss of my son.

Here's the question of the day: How can I possibly feel like my life is not on hold?

[Mamid]

Pick one thing in your life... it doesn't have to be big, something small will do. Nurture it. Study it. Make it grow... When you're happy with what it has done, pick another small thing and repeat as necessary. This is a thread of your life. By holding on to it, you start to reweave and recreate your shattered life.

This could be a plant, a craft, a job, keeping a room in your house clean, cooking one dish over and over to perfection...

By picking one thing, you won't feel overwhelmed. You'll be able to concentrate on it and eventually, you won't be thinking of your baby every second of every day. First it'll be every other second, then every few seconds, and so on until you don't even realize that it has been a day since you last thought about your baby.

Doing this has gotten me through the "my life's on hold" part several times. When I was mourning the loss of my daughter to CPS here, I did that. I picked crochet mainly, but I also had the thread of the net to hold onto. Cross stitching, reading, writing, drawing, trying to make friends... All those threads I used one at a time. It took a while because I couldn't concentrate on them while I was fighting for my daughter, but they kept me from loosing my focus. One thing and one thing only was all I needed at times. And it didn't have to be anything big. A small flower that I was trying to grow helped... Actually having a garden... raising kittens...

Find a thread and hold onto it. You won't realize how much it helps until afterwards.

[SweetTeach]

Wilkers, I too have found writing to be very cathartic. My peer counselor kept telling me to write because she said that you feel like you're in the same place with your grief but if you go back in a few weeks or months and read what you've written, you'll see you've definitely moved.

Sunday will be tough but it's good that you will have friends supporting you.

Closure on accepting we couldn't have prevented it. Be careful, this is a slippery slope...no matter what the report does and doesn't tell you, there's nothing you could've done to prevent Connor's death. You did the best with what you knew. Whatever you find out will help you prepare for another pregnancy, but it shouldn't (in an ideal world, I guess) make you feel guilty about Connor's pregnancy.

Mamid- you give very good advice- my "thread" has been knitting...for hours on end. I have been able to find solace in this new craft and it's helped me immensely.

[Mamid]

Thanks. Its good advice because I've been there, done that, and knit the fricking t-shirt from hemp scraps if you know what I mean, Sweatteach.

I got told that there was a chrorionic infection that caused part of the miscarriage, but that the car accident I was in didn't cause any of it.

Excuse me, but I started to bleed right after the accident. How could it not cause the miscarriage even 2 months later????

There was no closure, because of some of the shit I went through when I miscarried.

There is acceptance of the events. To demand that I have "closure" is the same thing as to ask me if I was over it yet. I will never be over it. It will always be a part of me. He will always be my baby.

The scarriest memory I have about the entire incident wasn't when I was bleeding or anything like that... it was the stupid OB on call who screamed at me when he showed up, gloved up to his elbow, stuck his arm inside me, ripped out the placenta and left. That was the start of my hate for doctors. That and the ob on my case who refused to hospitalize me and then screamed at me over the phone while I lay in the hospital bed the day after I miscarried that I had to see her right away because she had to find out why I miscarried. Cause she didn't put me in the hospital on bed rest like I should have been!

The best memory was the nurses I had who had her arms around me at one time and just let me cry. There was one who wanted to "adopt" me and take me home to live with her kids. And another who asked if she could photocopy a picture I was finally able to draw so that they could add it to their hand out to women in similar situations.... Those women got me through the worst days of my life...

I'm having a hard time with my pregnancy right now. The baby barely kicks if at all. Bun was active on Saturday to the point where I was sure hir was doing acrobatics. But since then, barely any kicks at all. If I didn't have my Bebesounds monitor, I wouldn't be here at home right now. I'd be at the hospital begging for an ultrasound because my alarm bells are going off and have been for a day now. I am a week further now than I was when I miscarried. If I was spotting, there would be no doubt that I'd be in the hospital, probably in hysterics as well...

So, yes, it still affects me even today. Thankfully, I can hear Bun's heart beat and movement with the Bebesounds. That's the only thing that is keeping me calm. That's my thread.

That, and my daughter who I lost to the system sent me pictures of her via her adoptive mother over the weekend. :)

[wilkers8]

Well, as if losing my father-in-law in Feb and losing Connor in March wasn't enough grief to deal with...we took our dog in due to a cough. Turns out there is a tumor within his chest. We won't know if it's cancer for a day or two. My husband and I left just feeling completely kicked down. How much can a couple have to endure before they just break? Have I mentioned this year sucks so far?

I've also come to the decision that although I may alienate a few people with my direct approach, I will continue to educate people regarding the loss of an infant. This includes explaining what to say and what not to say, explaining how to remember and honor the infant, explaining what actually happened and what it means for the future, etc. I know that this will make some people uncomfortable but hopefully the next time they have to deal with an infant loss, they will be a little more educated and that mother will have more support.

I've been pretty clear with my family and close friends on how we will go forward regarding acknowledging Connor. When asked the number of children we have...Connor will always be included. When Christmas or his anniversary comes...a donation to a charity in his name will be done. For every baby shower or successful pregnancy I'm a part of...baby clothes will be donated to a hospital for stillborn children. Essentially to treat the memory of Connor exactly as what he is...my little boy.

On to the question of the day: How do you stop from feeling like every bad possibility is going to happen? Given our lives in the past 3 months, I can't help but feel I'm (or anyone that I care about) going to walk outside and be hit in the head by something. The more impossible this scenario is the more likely I feel like it's going to happen.

[Mamid]

I still get the "worst possible scenerio" stuff. I'm probably dealing with it wrong, but I voice it. And you know what, it never happens. I think voicing it stops it from happening.

[wilkers8]

Mamid...although obviously I'm not pregnant again, I can immediately comprehand the stress you are enduring with this pregnancy. On one hand, it scares me but on the other hand, despite the emotions...it's exactly what I long for...being pregnant again. I think that's one of the many reasons why I am anxious to ttc...I want that to be my thread. I'm not domestic and as my family and friends can attest to...I don't have a domestic bone in my body. I used to joke that motherhood would be my only domestic trait. I've attempted everything from sewing to knitting to scrapbooking in the past. I'm just the person who looks at those "lack of art commerical and how it impacts children and thinks...what's wrong with that child's response".

My doctor has recommended waiting two cycles before we try (first cycle started on April 17th) and one of my best friends (the ob-gyn) also is concerned with me trying right away and not waiting until after the next cycle. Both from the perspective of making sure my lining has time to be ready for another pregnancy (neither wants me to raise any odds of having a miscarriage). Logically, I should look at this and think...yes, I should wait to increase my odds of a successful pregnancy...yes, it's only a matter of waiting one month since I already have had my first cycle...yes, it would give me another month to continue to get my body back and ready for another pregnancy. But regardless of this logic, everything inside me says to start. I'm not sure if it's because logic doesn't seem to make sense anymore, the idea of continuing to be a childless mother hurts too much, to stop my life from feeling like it's on hold, or to give me something to hope for. It is probably all of them. I can't replace Connor and I never will. However, losing Connor doesn't change the desire in me to raise a child. I would give anything for the desire to be fullfilled by raising Connor but that's not possible. What is possible, raising a sibling for Connor. I guess it doesn't matter what my instinct/emotions are telling me for this cycle, unless we get the final report back in the next week...we'll miss this cycle anyway (we've agreed to wait at least until the final results are returned). I know that would mean only another four weeks but the word "only" seems so incrediably trivial to everyone else but me. Only put your life on hold for another four weeks (that's if we get lucky and conceive in one month).

The results for our dog came back this week. All preliminary signs are pointing to an infection versus cancer. We now have to give him medicene for two weeks and hope that the tumor reduces in size. If it doesn't then a further testing will be performed to verify whether infection or cancer. It's interesting to see how medical diagnosis procedures are so different than what I'm going through with waiting for Connor's results.

I was starting to have panic attacks about returning to work. I'm a computer software consultant and I hated the idea of having to travel or be put in extremely high stress situations. My boss is a very good friend and has been very supportive but I didn't want to put him in a difficult situation by allowing me to reduce my work stress. Luckily, my doctor has advised me to reduce stress at work and limit my travel in order to continue my recovery upon returning to work. This allows my boss to meet my needs without playing favorites and I don't have any concerns that I will be fired because of my current lack of career motivation. This has definitely helped with my concerns of returning to work.

On to the question of the day: Should I feel guilty that I will be taking advantage of my company during this time with the knowledge that we want to ttc very soon which would be I would then be extending the situation for another 9 months on top of this time?

[Mamid]

Guilty for taking time off and mourning the death of a family member? BAH! you get time off to mourn your mother, father, grandparents, etc when they die, so why not a much wanted child?

Don't feel guilty. Don't ever feel guilty.

BTW.. you will find your own thread. I'm a "domestic" type as you called it, so I have those things to fall back on. But that doesn't mean I always fall back on the same things. AND I've started to knit baby caps for this baby. I just hope they don't go walking off like other's I've made....

[Mamid]

I don't know if I should post this here, but this is something I've been wanting to do to help other mothers with miscarriages that are so close to being stillbirths, ya know?

Baby burial pouches
http://www.bevscountrycottage.com/beth-tinybunting.html
http://www.bevscountrycottage.com/fetal-pouch.html
http://www.warmheartswarmbabies.org/patterns/crochet/bbunting.html
http://www.bundlesoflove.org/rcroshelbun.htm
http://www.touchinglittlelives.org/fetaldem.html
http://afghans4angelsmd.homestead.com/Pouch.html

Then there's also all the preemie burial gowns and bunting patterns as well as clothing for them to wear if you look. Even a "cuddler" for those who are in the nicu.

I know you aren't domestic, but I really wish my baby could have gotten something like this instead of being put in a jar of formaldehyde.:eek :eek :eek :eek :eek :eek :eek

What were they going to do with him? Slice, dice and julien???? I'm so glad I refused the autopsy. He deserved to be treated in dignity. At least that hospital social worker who helped me out just before I left the hospital treated my baby with the dignity he deserved. I still have the blankets and baby cap they gave me somewhere in my stuff. Formaldehyde? all because he wasn't a frigging stillbirth? He deserved better than that.

Damn.. going to go cry now... stupid hormones.

[wilkers8]

As my fertile period for this month arrives, I've been consumed with feelings of wanting to get pregnant. However, as we have not received the final results and my doctor recommends waiting until my next cycle, we will not be ttc. Even knowing logically this is for the best, every part of me is telling me to try this month. So obviously, I'm upset. I spent some of yesterday evening reading the thread that SweetTeach pointed me to at http://www.mothering.com/discussions/showthread.php?t=113206. Although I was only at the start of the third trimester, reading everyone's responses was so assuring and helpful. It's amazing how these responses are so timeless. That no matter when they were written, they immediately applied to my situation. The appreciation I had for this thread makes me believe that my experience with Connor may give someone else comfort as they are trying to get a grasp on the pain of losing a child. This is just one more good thing Connor has done for my life and others.

Friday was my friend's baby shower. Although I participated by purchasing the cake, I did not attend. I knew it was for the best but that I would feel guilty and sad about it. Only I didn't know how sad and guilty. The idea in my head of what this weekend was going to be like...both of us laughing and feeling our children kicking. Everyone remarking on how amazing it was that we were only five days apart on our due dates. Watching her open her gifts and wondering what I would be receiving just the next day. Only none of this happened. Instead I don't even know what she wore to her shower. I will never share in her memories of this day. I only can take comfort in that this day was a happy day for my dear friend.

Yesterday should have been the day of my shower. I looked at my house that evening and partially still expected more baby gifts laying around then we knew what to do with. Instead, I opened the nursery door to find a primarily bare nursery. Honestly, I think my friend's shower day was harder than yesterday. I think this is because her's happened and I missed it versus mine will hopefully occur someday in the future for Connor's sibling. I find it incrediably ironic that just a few months ago I was saying "once we get to the shower, things will be so hectic and the time is just going to fly by and June will be here quickly". Now this weekend meant nothing to my life but to bring me sadness for what will never be.

The question of the day: Does it make me a bad person to be glad that my shower had not occurred for Connor? I know that showers are only meant for the first child and that I will feel all sorts of emotions for a future shower...but I can't help for be a little happy that it's not one more thing I missed out on.

[jkklmn]

I have just spent the last 1.5 hours reading every post from the first post about Conner. I have cried, laughed, gotten angry, every emotion with all of you. I lost my firstborn son in 1997. He was full-term, labor going well, then the cord prolapsed. He lived for a little over 24 hours, although he was hooked up to machines. Our family was able to join us at the hospital to say their hellos & goodbyes. Our family is extremely supportive and I don't think we would have made it through it without them. We cremated Griffin & had a 'visitation' type ceremony. We keep his ashes in an urn next to our bed. We went on to have our daughter 3 years later. We waited much longer than we would have due to job changes, moves across country, etc. Our daughter knows all about her big brother & talks about him a lot. We are very open with her about life & death, partly because of our nature & partly because of our past. We are now 20 weeks pregnant with our 3rd and I worry everyday & will continue to do so, because as you said, we are no longer naive about birth.

As far as unsolicited comments/advice...it is amazing how many ways there are to say the completely wrong thing. My 'best friend' (who never once remembered his birthday, but did remember our anniversary of us moving into our home) commented after my daughter was born, that she is so glad that I had a girl too. She wouldn't know what we would do if we had had sons. HELLO, I HAVE A SON!!!!!!!!!! I keep telling myself that these people care about me, but just don't understand. For that I am glad, I don't wish this on anyone. Like someone said...it isn't a club you want to belong to. During the visitation while my uncle was supposed to be saying a prayer which turned into a sermon, he kept calling Griffin, Griffith or Michael (his middle name). I wanted to stand up and scream HIS NAME IS GRIFFIN YOU IDIOT!! I'm sure he was nervous, but all I asked for was a short, simple prayer before everyone left (we are not religious, so the sermon was very inappropriate).

On the note about date coincidences...my brother was killed in a car accident in 1979, 18 days after his 18th birthday at 5:18pm. Griffin was born/died in 1997, which is 18 years later. There was 18 minutes between the cord prolapse & his delivery. My water broke on the 18th of February. We had to have the ceremony for Griffin on the day that my brother died, due to time constraints. It was very strange to notice all this after the fact. My mom & I are very drawn to numbers, thusly why all this came up. My mom & I like to think that Bob came back to say hi, we only wish he had had more time.

I know this is probably going to be the hardest thing you ever go through, I know it was/is for me. Things do get better, but there will always be that missing piece of you. Things will trigger you when you least expect it. We celebrate his life at Christmas time by choosing a boy who is the same age as Griffin would have been off of the Angel Tree at the local mall & spoiling him. It isn't much, but we feel a little better during the holidays.

I want to thank you for your conversations about Conner. You are honoring him by telling all these fine women your story. I relived my grief & it felt good. My daughter was very sad to see me cry, but when I explained why, she said she was so sorry that Conner died. Even after a 1/2 hour, she stopped what she was doing to tell me again how sorry she was. I had to read part of one of your letters to my husband & he just said, "wow, I remember every part of that so vividly." You brought us both back in time and even though it was a sad time, it still is worth remembering those feelings. I hope you find some peace with your loss and that the test results give you the answers you seek. I wish I could sit next to you and hold your hand, give you a hug & tell you how I understand. Just know you are getting warm hugs from Arizona. You are not alone.

-------------------------------------------------------
To all the other women who have posted their stories, my heart goes out to each and everyone of you. Thank you for sharing.

~Jenifer

[gonnabeamom]

Wilkers,

No you are not a bad person, not to want to have missed a happy occasion, not to want to have one more thing to deal with on top of the pile of crap you have been dealt.

I am so sorry Connor is not with you. I am so sorry for all you have had to go through and endure. I m/c recently and couldn't read your thread when I first saw it, things were just to raw for me. So I just read it in one sitting, and I had some things I wanted to respond to.

I had a bad period in my life in college that involved a lot of grief and anger. I was so furious with my friends who didn't understand, and most of them didn't, I was furious with people for avoiding me, and furious with people who talked to me but ignored what was going on, furious with stupid questions, etc. I felt exhausted by the need to tell people how to take care of me, when I needed taking care of. That was all 15 years ago. I let some of those people go completely. Others faded out of my life, and a few are left. I'm no longer angry with them over their ignorance and their foolishness, but I am carefull about who I share my pain with now. I'm relieving a small part of this because of the recent m/c and two friends with whom I'm really close who don't quite know what to do, and so don't do much. Because I've been through it before-and because the pain is not so all consuming this time-I'm able to focus more on what the people who are being kind to me have done for me. You will in time accept the person you become out of all of this, even if that person is more guarded than who you want to be. You will have more compassion for others pain, and in time I believe you will have more joy for others joy because you know that it can't be taken for granted.

Also I find that I do take some solace in things I can do because I'm not pregnant, even though that very fact is painful. For me it is a determination to find something good for myself in a sh*tty situation. It's part defiance, "Well if I can't be pregnant, at least I"m gonna have a g*damn mocha" and part self care. It is not as if by not doing those things you will not think of Connor. Connor will always be in your heart, and you don't need to worry that he will be forgotten.

Last you asked in your first post for stories of families who had losses and went on to have sucessful pregnancies. Dear friends of mine lost their baby at 8 months, to cord strangulation. It was very hard for them, and the Mom expressed many of the things you have hear, that she would always think of her son, that she would remember his absence whenever she saw a child that would be his age, that his memory and loss would be with her always. A little over a year later when they were both ready they conceived a beautiful little girl, who is now a healthy six year old firecracker.

Also a mutual friend set introduced me to a Mom in her playgroup who lost her first pregnancy at 36 weeks, and was chasing after her 3 year old daughter, while 8 months pregnant.

I know that your other children will be lucky, as Conner was, to have parents who love them fiercely.

[wilkers8]

Jenifer: thank you so much for your response. I'm so sorry you lost Griffin. I'll admit that everytime I hear of someone who lost their first born and have had a successful pregnancy afterwards, gives me so much hope. Although, I don't think I could mentally make it for three years without a sibling for Connor. You actually touched on something that really made me so thankful to hear. That your daughter knows and talks about him. This has become a new concern for me as I start to focus on conceiving a sibling for Connor. I want that child to know all about Connor but I was scared that it would never be real or really understood. I realize it wouldn't be for the first years but it warms my heart to hear how much Griffin is part of your family including his siblings. Thank you for taking the time to read about my journey. Hearing how Connor's story affected you brings me peace...knowing just one more good thing Connor has brought to this world.

Gonnabeamom: I'm so sorry for your loss. It's amazing how easily I can understand how raw things can be. Thank you for the stories of people with siblings for their lost ones. I definitely don't feel as alone when I hear about others who lost their first born. As far as people are concerned, I completely see myself letting go of some of the relationships that I had developed. I just am realizing how much they lacked depth and I don't have the time nor desire to devote to them. I'm very thankful that the people I considered closest to me...have turned out to be that and more. On a positive side, I have learned there was a little more depth in a couple of friendships that I had thought had pretty much gone our seperate ways.

Six weeks today we found out Connor was gone (delivered the next day)...42 days of life without Connor. These days seem like they have flown by that I would already be working but also have felt like they stood still waiting for the final results. It's strange how time can be so relative. At this time I thought I would be worrying about stretch marks, instead, I'm worrying that I'll never have a child to raise. It's amazing how just two words in an ultrasound room..."I'm sorry", can completely change your perspective.

A friend of mine spent five plus years trying to get pregn