J. is now four and is a delightful sensitive girl most of the time. Please don't think she is spolied as she isn't, she is strugglging with self control and I need to find a way to help her.

Every day at least half a dozen times, usually more she has HUGE meltdowns over the tiniest little things and I just don't know how to deal with it any more. I am actually tired of being with her. Dh thinks I am overexaggerating, but I have seen him end up shouting at her after a few minutes of her crying.

The meltdowns can be eg- beacuase I came down the stairs without her, because she has the wrong knife and fork, because she wanted pasta. Because I took her shoe off for her, because I opened the curtains.

I have tried talking to her and explaining if she asks me before I have done an action, then more often than not she can do it herself, but that screaming at me after the action is done is often too late.

I can't ignore the screams, she will cry for hours (okay the most I let her was 1 hour- she was sick for the next 2 days) Dh says I need to enforce boundaries and I told him HOW do I do that because she doesn't give up and cries till her head hurts really bad!!

I have never dealt with this before and have no idea how to help her calm down when she is going off, there also seems no predicting the meltdowns either. What can I do to help her through her anger and upset? I love my little angel and don't want her to grow up an angry person.

~Mand~

Her behavior really doesn't seem too far out of ordinary to me. Some children have very sensitive personalities and do not deal with change well at all. The things she cries over seem insignificant to us, but to her they matter.

Is she getting enough sleep? Eating enough? Getting enough hugs and love?

As long as her basic needs are met, keep working with her and supporting her. She will eventually come to mature. Of course, then she will become a teenager. :)

One more thing, comfort her when she falls apart. Don't minimize her anger-allow her to express it, and maybe you can help her understand that her emotions are not bad, but need to be controlled a bit.

I read a book by Aletha Solther ( I think) called "The Aware Baby" She had a follow up called "Tears and Tantrums", Haven't read it yet, but plan on it. She advocates holding the child during fits to let them feel you and know your love is unconditional. It might be a good read for you. Like anything else, take what you want and leave the rest.

Have you read Raising Your Spirited Child? There are so many good pieces of advice and solace in that book--especially for those of us with intense sensitive children!

Totally normal behavior. I go through this all the time.

My best piece of advice is to keep your sense of humor about it. If I start down the steps before my DD, instead of reacting to the tantrum I might say, "uh oh, mommy totally forgot that you're the leader! Can we do it again?" and we both yell "DO OVER" and do it again.

At this point, my DD will say, "mommy! you forgot again!" and laugh if I walk down the steps in front of her.

Good luck, it's annoying but it is normal!

Totally normal. Mine is entering that phase now... though he won't be four until July.

Some things to say that sometimes help:

"You must be so frustrated right now! You sound furious!"

And...

"Can you tell me the problem with calm words that I can understand?"

I think it's partly the age - mine went through a phase like this when she was about 4 1/2. Any time something didn't go her way, she would fall apart.

I think that perhaps it is from a need for independence that develops at this age, coupled with a little bit of insecurity about the unpredictability of life.

It was a tough stage to get through, and the only thing I could do was mirror her feelings back to her: "You're very disappointed we can't go to the park today (hug), I know. It's hard when you want something so badly and you can't have it." And then I would try some distraction/redirection, because my daughter tends to cling to things and doesn't realize she can stop: "Hey, you know, a good rainy day activity is making tents in the living room with blankets...would that make the day more fun for you?"

Good luck...you'll get through it! Hang in there!

Thanks everyone for the replies- it helps to know that she is okay and it is normal. Will try the suggestions, but feel so much better about coping with it now I know this is alright xx
~Mand~

I am also dealing with this. My daughter, Julia, is 4 and has been going nuts. Your husband sounds like mine...basically acting like I shouldn't worry so much and then yelling at her right away. I also know what you mean about the screaming. John(dh)says to tell her to go in her room and ignore her but I can't. The only times I let that happen is when I try everything and feel angry. Can't wait for nice days to be outside...I think that makes a difference for Julia and for me.