Thinking about adoption

[daria]

I've recently become interested in adoption. We have a beautiful 6-month-old son and we know that one day we want siblings for him (and more babies for us to love!). I had never really thought of it before but a new friend recently told me that she plans to adopt to increase her family because her midwife advised her not to have any more babies herself.

I had forgotten what my friend said until I was looking around the Aid for Orphans site and saw a photo of a little boy who looks so much like my Isaac it brought tears to my eyes. I started to wonder if maybe adoption is something we should pursue. I did not have a particularly difficult pregnancy or birth, but I don't have a strong desire to go through it again. I do want more kids though. I want more babies to love, and I think DH's relationship with his siblings is so loving and close that I want Isaac to have that too.

I asked DH what he thought and he was open to it. At this point I just have a lot of questions. Like it seems like international adoption is "easier" but domestic is way less costly. I've gotten the impression that couples who adopt domestically have to "sell" themselves to a birthmom, and I wondered if a birthmom might prefer a couple who is infertile rather than a couple just choosing not to "grow their own". Or might prefer a couple that is christian (or at least religious) or wealthy or whatever, which we are not.

DH, DS, and I are all very fair, blonde-haired and blue-eyed, and I have this feeling like I would prefer to adopt a child who could "pass" as ours. I don't really have any good reason for that other than I guess I don't think I would feel like dealing with people's questions, or even their curiosity. That got me to thinking that adopting from eastern europe would be a good idea...but with international it seems like people don't typically adopt infants. I'm not hung up on adopting an infant, but if there is anything I would miss about bearing my own child it would be breastfeeding...I assume if I were still nursing Isaac it would not be hard for me to nurse another newborn, but it probably would be hard with a child even just a few months old.

I hope I am not stepping on anyone's toes here, it seems like such a minefield of issues about ethnicity, money, privilege...all things that bio-parents never have to think about before they conceive and so honestly I really haven't. Just looking for any feedback from others who came from a similar place.

[AdinaL]

Good luck! There are a lot of questions to answer, and the only way I have found to answer them for myself is to research research research. Everyone comes to different conclusions about things, and the only way to find where your comfort level is is to do the leg work.

Good luck! :)

[grisandole]

Hi! I'm in a similar boat. We can have children, but are choosing to adopt because there are so many kids in need of families out there, and it feels right to us.

If you want a young (toddler age or younger) white infant without any major problems, your best bet is going international; or doing a foster/adopt program here.

We are adopting through our state (AZ), and we are also getting our foster parent license. We have been told by everyone that pretty much the only way to adopt a healthy young child is through the foster program, as they are places as babies, and the foster parents have "dibs" on them in most cases.

For us, race isn't an issue, we'll take a child up to age 8, and we also prefer special needs kids and sibiling groups, so we'll have a pretty easy time getting match with a child(ren), at least we've been told. :)

I did all the research, and did think about international adoption, but for me, it boiled down to a few things- 1)cost- we don't have 20K to go overseas, doing it through our state is free 2)travel- I thought it would be very inconvient all the way around 3) availability of children here- there are PLENTY of family-less children here that we would love to have.

If you plan on doing a private adoption, where you are matched with a birthmom, that is very expensive as well.......20K range I believe.

One thing, I have heard HORRIBLE things about adopting in your state- there was a thread about this on a foster/adopt list I'm on this week. Seems there are lots of kids available, but the workers move slowly and there are a few families for each child. So, some in NC are adopting from other states (still much cheaper- around 800.00 for the homestudy and that's it).

Good luck!

Kristi

[Tigeresse]

Take your time and do your research and I'm sure the right fit will present itself for your family. 2 years ago, when we started research, I never would have considered international adoption either, but now our daughter is waiting for us in China. I know she is the one that is meant to be part of our family.

The nursing issue is a tough one, but I think I will pump bottles for her, if I can reinduce lactation sufficiently. I nursed all my kids for 5+ years (well actually youngest is still at it at 4) so it is hard to accept that she will not get the same (I will not pump for 4 more years), but I have to look beyond that and know that she is loved and wanted and belongs with us even if I never get a drop of milk out for her.

As far as finances go, IA can in some cases actually cost less than domestic, and either way there is a $10,000 adoption tax credit. Probably good to visit some agencies orientations where you can see the various programs laid out so you can compare.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Katie

[Holl]

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[EFmom]

To add on to what Holli said...

We adopted from China twice. It is not true that there are only a few US agencies that deal directly with the Chinese Center for Adoption Affairs. There are several hundred--pretty much all the agencies that do China adoptions deal directly with the CCAA, with a handful of exceptions.

Re Korea, if you meet the requirements, it can be a great choice for many people because the kids are very healthy and get first rate medical care. The children are in very good foster homes. You get medical info about the birth family. It is also the program with the longest track record. On the down side, beside the strict requirements, there are very few agencies that can do Korean adoptions, so you won't have much choice there. The agency in my state that does Korean adoptions is dreadful to deal with.

I do think there is quite a bit of variation in cost depending on country. Some countries allow you to adopt independently, which can be good if you are very savvy and well-connected with others in the know, but obviously it's not for everyone. You can adopt from a few countries for around $12K if you are careful. But they aren't the easiest countries to adopt from, and there are other issues. An adoption from China costs around $16K now, including travel. Some Russian agency adoptions cost over $25K.

I totally agree about letting go of things you can't control. My personal take on the bf issue, was to realize that my children would be roughly a year old by the time we adopted them. The adoptions turned their whole world upside down. We look different, we sound different and we smell different from anythign they knew. Their bottles were the one thing that could be a source of constant comfort to them. I didn't see the point in trying to force the child to learn to bf at that point. That's not to say that my decision would be right for anyone else. Bonding is composed of much more than bf. We decided to concentrate on other things.

I would urge you to find out what adoption support groups are in your area. Where I live, we have a couple for international adoption, some for domestic adoption, some for all adoptive families. Join a few (the cost is usually nominal) and go to some events to meet the families. Ours put on all kinds of programs for people who are just thinking and researching about adoption. Meeting the kids and the parents will make the whole thing more real, and you'll get a better sense of what kind of adoption is right for you.

[Holl]

Thanks for clarifying. I was only going by what my agency told me when we were considering China. They explained it as there were really just a few agencies that dealt with them directly.

But, not having gone through the process I honestly didn't know for sure!

Holli

Originally posted by EFmom
To add on to what Holli said...

We adopted from China twice. It is not true that there are only a few US agencies that deal directly with the Chinese Center for Adoption Affairs. There are several hundred--pretty much all the agencies that do China adoptions deal directly with the CCAA, with a handful of exceptions.

[BunnysMomma]

I know you said you are most interested in a child who looks like you, but I'd like to add that adopting from Africa can be significantly cheaper than adoptions from other places. Liberian adoptions, for example, run between $8-$9k. Ethiopia is slightly more.

Also, there are broad generalizations made about different countries and programs that are part of the popular adoption lore. Keep in mind that they are only that: broad generalizations that may be merely anecdotal.

Wilma:)

[Leatherette]

I think it is great that you are considering adoption. However, there are two things I want to share with you from my experience.

One, birthmoms are all different, so you don't have to present yourself in any one way. You never know what may interest a birthmom.

Two, even if a child has blonde hair and blue eyes, there can be questions and curiosity. A family I know adopted from Russia and expected that their child would be caucasian, and he was asian. They fell in love, and that was it. An older child from Eastern Europe may have institutional behaviors that draw attention. I am just letting you know these things because if being asked personal questions or looking out of the ordinary really bothers you, adoption may not be for you (as you said, you would be doing this by choice), no matter what the race of your child.

During the process of adoption, you will learn many things about yourself. You may change your mind several times about what country, race and age you are interested in. Best of luck on your journey.

L.

[daria]

Thanks to everyone for the very thoughtful replies. You've given me a lot to think about.