Do you name the miscarried baby?

[madison]

How many of you have named your miscarried babies and if you have not, why?

I have a name floating around in my head...

Is that weird or typical? I can think of one mom here who named her miscarried babies, but I don't think I know anyone personally who has named them.

What do you all think?

My own beliefs sort of negate the "need" to name the baby, as I consider it mostly a soul inhabiting a body for a very short time, a very short incarnation for a specific (unknown to me) reason. But still, this name is there...

Madison

[Jacque Savageau]

I chose celestial names for my miscarried babies. Haily, Aurora & Sky. I needed a name to make each one unique to me. My dh didn't need the name, but accepts it. I don't feel a name is necessary, or makes it more real. It's just what I needed to put them in their 'place' in our family. I don't share the names, it's just for me.

MISSING YOU
by Debbie Dickinson

The joy we felt was not to last
What was once our future
Became our past
And forever our present.
You went away Christmas Eve
many years ago.
God said it was time for you to leave
And before I could say "hello"
It was time to say "Good-bye".
But I couldn't.
Just like I couldn't stop the pain I felt
Of no longer having you near.
There was nothing I could say
To make you mine to stay
Or stop the tears
That fell that day
When they told me you had gone away.
I never got to hold you.
I only got to miss you.

The Pregnancy and Infant Loss Center (PILC) was a wonderful resource for me. The offer a book called 'I Knew You For A Moment' that I contributed a lot of poetry to. It was very healing to me. http://www.pilc.org/about.html

[OceanMomma]

I didn't name either of my babies I lost. One of ectopic & I lost one in utero at about 14 or 15 weeks. It was not out of any disrespect to them or not thinking of them as people that I didn't name them since I have always had real problems naming my children before they were born. After I lost these 2, I didn't get around to naming them coz I was trying to deal with the grief & physical after effects. I know who they are tho' & still remember them every day....

[MoonBabiesMomma]

I named my baby that I lost at 16 weeks. I really felt like I had to for my own comfort but I only told a few close people. It was painful because since the baby was not developing normally, they could not tell if it was a boy or a girl so I chose a gender-neutral name. I talked about it with my husband and we decided to name the baby Aspen after our family trip to Aspen, CO when I was still pregnant. The name bring backs happy memories of our trip when I was so excited to think we were having another baby. I have a photo of an Aspen grove that I took on our trip and I have it in my bedroom to remind me of the baby. I also ordered gold aspen leaf necklace to keep as another reminder.

I have similar beliefs to Madison about the baby's soul, but naming the baby really gave me some comfort.

[sunshinemama]

I named the baby I lost, in a way I had no choice. I start thinking of names as the test line is turning pink, so the baby had a name. I planted a tree and had many healing moments watering and careing for my little baby tree.

best of luck to you, and healing and closure comes to each of us in different ways.

[Lila]

Ms Mom, that poem made me cry.
Though it was too early to tell the sex of my baby, I feel in my heart that it was a boy. I named him Aidan Joseph. I don't tell people because they think I'm nuts, but he is my son. He has a place in my soul and I remember him always. To not name him would not make him real in my mind. Names are very important to me.

[madison]

I'm thinking that naming (for me) kind of commemorates the experience (mine AND his/hers). I'm also kind of thinking it was girl (who could ever know?) and the soul who wants to incarnate needs a boy body. So I've named her Isabella Danielle.

So, Isabella Danielle, m/c 10/4/01. There it is!

[Jacque Savageau]

Lila, so sorry for your loss. I appreciate you sharing with us so we can all journey through healing together. Aidan does have a place in your heart and you'll always hold him there.

Madison - You are such a beautiful person. When your baby finds the right body and finds his way into your arms the world will truly be a better place.

Isabell is a beautiful name. Thank you for sharing her with us.

[OceanMomma]

I just wanted to say thankyou Madison for starting this thread. It's 2 years today since I lost my baby before Saffron. I went out this morning & put a bunch of flowers under the puriri tree where he is buried. I couldn't tell the sex but I think he was a boy. I've spent the last couple of years avoiding the issue I s'pose - for lack of a better word. I have been kinda pretty much distracted being pregnant & then having Saffron. One other reason too is if I hadn't lost him, I wouldn't have Saffron which is not a nice thought since she is such an awesome little human being & such an important part of all our lives. I think maybe I should name the baby as part of the healing process I obviously still need to go thru. I hadn't thought of it before. I would like to choose a name that means peace so if anyone has any ideas since I only know of Shanti which is a girl's name.

[Lila]

ITA, Oceanmomma. I would not have my Lucy if Aidan had been born. I share your feelings.
I did a search. These names mean peace. I hope this helps you on the road to healing.


Abd-al-Salam
Absalom meaning "Father is peace"
Aiyetoro
An
Avshalom
Budimir
Dobromír
Ernijó
Frederick meaning "Peaceful ruler"
Friedhelm
Fritjof
Geoffrey meaning "Peaceful god"
Heddwyn
Humfried
Humphrey meaning "Peaceful warrior"
Ireneo
Kamaha
Kuan
Maluhia
Malulani
Manfred meaning "Power of peace"
Miroljub
Miroslav
Momir
Nirvan
Noach
Noah meaning "Peaceful"
Paciano
Pacífico
Placido
Radomir
Rocky meaning "Rest"
Salam
Shalom
Shlomo
Siegfried meaning "Peace of victory"
Solomon meaning "Peace"
Sulayman
Tihomir
Velimir
Vladimir
Vlastimir
Wilfred meaning "Desiring peace"
Winfred meaning "Friendly peace"
Yasuzo

[Jacque Savageau]

Lila, What a thoughtfull person you are! I was overwhelmed by your list.

OM - Anniversaries are so difficult. I'm going to start a thread here so we can share ideas. I love that you put the floweres undre the tree. I always light a candle on a shelf with pictures and other momento's to help me remember. I keep the day free for silent reflection.

It was 8 yrs. ago today that we were told Amanda Leigh's heartbeat vanished. She was born December 14, 1993.

I wish you a peacefull day and gentle thoughts. Your dd is very lucky to have you - My son would not be here either if Amanda had lived - it's a bittersweet feeling.

[OceanMomma]

Thankyou lila! That is a beautiful list of names. Gives me a lot to think about.

Thankyou too MsMom for your kind thoughts. I too wish you a peaceful day today. It is always difficult for us to have these days since people who it has never happened to, very often just think it was nothing. Like a broken arm or a chipped tooth & can be very insensitive. I know there's not really anything anyone can say to make it better & time does heal. Actually I don't really know what to say, but I know you understand what I mean :)

[bunny's mama]

i just want to add Paz to the list. it's spanish for peace.

[cheenya]

When I miscarried in September of this year I felt the need to name the baby to validate its existance, because so many people wanted to pretend the pregnacy never happened, I ususally don't share my child's name, but only because people don't ask.

I also wanted to let OceanMomma know that the only Shanti I know is a very neat teenage boy who I had in a class I taught last year, so Shanti is not always a name for a girl :)

[madison]

You know, I never really got the feeling that the baby I was briefly pregnant with was the one who was going to be staying with me. I think Ian let her "take cuts in line" - I guess she just needed a short incarnation with a loving mama, even if it was just for a coupla weeks! Who can ever say why? But that's my guess, and it makes me feel good to imagine it regardless of what the reality might be. And I really liked someone's comments that the baby has a specific birthday in mind and is holding out for THAT ONE DAY. I find that thought amusing, frankly.

Oceanmama, I wondered if I should name "her" also - it was so short. THEN I started thinking - since when did the *amount* of years/days you spend on earth decide how worthy you were of being remembered? Is a 89 year old more worthy/valuable than a 10 year old? No... so, I decided to commemmorate the brief incarnation of this soul with a name to remember the experience by. I think the simple fact that you exist should be celebrated! Regardless of how long you are here in bodily form, it doesn't matter to me. :) So go for it!

Pax also means peace (think "Pax Romana" etc). One of the little girls at my school was named Pax and I always thought that was a really cool name.

[LiamnEmma]

although I believe the first was a girl and the second a boy. I also aborted one as a young woman that I believe was a girl as well. My personal belief is that one must do what one has to in order to heal...and if naming the baby helps you heal, then by all means. What I did do though was name my ds Liam Rene (protector reborn), and that felt like a silent tribute...I solemnly believe that his first laugh was at those little sibs. He was staring into space, nothing going on at all, then suddenly burst out into the most tinkly, gleeful giggle. It was wonderful. My thoughts and sympathies go out to you.

Leah

[Mama2Cesca]

I didn't name the babies I m/c. My miscarriages were very early though. I never even thought about naming them. I feel cold for admitting this. I do think about those babies often but never felt(still dont) a need to give them names.

[Heavenly]

I named both by babies (see my tag line). I'm a Christian and believe the baby has a soul from conception so I felt they deserved a name. It helped me to recuperate. I also got two angel ornaments to put on the tree every year and my sister bought me two Russ angel bears.

[Jacque Savageau]

Mama2Cesa - I didn't name my first miscarried baby. Like you it was very early on. Also, I didn't have a lot of support, most people just wanted me to sweep it undre the rug and be done with it. I think it's ok to do what feels best for you. If nameing the baby did not feel right, you did the right thing. That's the thing with greif - we all need to do what feels right for us - at that time. Thank you for sharing.

Heavenly, your sister is very thoughtfull!

[Celestial]

I named my baby. I feel that it was a boy, but since we do not know for sure (Jesse was not developing properly), we picked a gender neutral name.

I was due in mid April, and one of these days, when we are finally "settled", Jesse will have a memorial garden, full of plants that bloom from the end of March, until the end of April. In the meantime, here is his/her memorial page.
http://pages.ivillage.com/davetara/Jesse.html

I love that in IL, they now have a law which allows the parents to take home the remains of a miscarried baby if desired. I wish they had had that law when I lost Jesse.

Also, thank you Heavenly, for your idea of a Christmas ornament for my lost baby.

Love and peace to you all.

[Jacque Savageau]

Celestial - thank you so much for sharing your story. I read Jesse's memorial page and noded and got choked up as I read your words.

Your in my thoughts and prayers....

[Moooommy]

We didn't name the miscarriages, did name the stillbirth.

We explained the miscarriages as 'promises of babies' that weren't kept. Our daughter we could hold, and she needed a name.

There is a star up in the heavens with her name. My PEPs group gave it to us, knowing we're not gifted gardeners ;)

******
Marcus 11-5-94
Audrey born still 9-1-99
Daniel 3-5-01

[SJane]

We had been calling the baby we lost by the nickname "tadpole" while pregnant, so that became his name. I never gave him a name that he would have had if he'd lived, I guess I just felt that tadpole was the only name he'd known so that's what I call him still.

[Jacque Savageau]

SJane, that's so touching. I'm sorry about your miscarriage.

moooomomy, I like the way you look, at it too. I think everyone has to do what feels right for them. Loosing a child is very traumatic and each person needs to find a way to grieve that feels right for them.

[serenetabbie]

I named my first baby Sophia Dalene. I was only 10 weeks when I had what the dr said was "just a miscarriage"...turned out to be a late etopic (they were surprised I went so long before my tube ruptured). I also named her the moment the stick turned pink....as I did with my next two children....I was always right about the sex and never chose an alternate name. I am sorry for all of your losses. Although I too am sad for her never being born, I also would not have had my wonderful ds...so I understand the mixed feelings. She was due on 9.11.97, I had ds on 3.11.98.
To edit: I never went to a ob after that! I had my other 2 children w/ midwives