death of our unborn baby

[umiak]

When the ultrasound technician said, "No, it is no longer alive" at 12 1/2 weeks of my pregnancy, this fact brought the impact of a thousand shattering hopes and dreams in my heart, my hands rushing to my face to contain the pieces crashing upwards and flowing out of my eyes, crying out of my mouth. I NEVER expected this, somehow it never crossed my mind. My husband and daughters hands immediately found my shoulders, arms, hands, stroking, wanting to sooth. The doctor came in, adding her love, saying she was so sorry.

I don't expect to change the world, but I do not care to use the words "miscarriage" or "fetus" -- "The fetus miscarried" in no way conveys the loss my family is experiencing. The language, "miscarry" implies MIShandling, MIStake, bringing associated guilt, blame, secrecy. I was shocked to learn that eight of my friends have experienced the death of an unborn child, and I never knew; it isn't something people talk about. And I have learned that many people in this society do not really know what to think, do, or say about this kind of loss. It is understandable, but I hope this will change.

One day, an eagle circled wide then flew close and directly above me. I was thrilled and explained to my daughter the belief that eagles are known to help spirits pass into the other world. In retrospect, it was the very day our baby died.

Blessings on your spirit, baby, and those of us who knew you.:throb

[Jacque Savageau]

Umiak, I'd like to welcome you gently to the Mothering boards. I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious child. Thank you so much for sharing with us.

You speak so poignantly and I can feel the love you had for your child and know how devastated you must be.

I agree with you about the worlds 'miscarriage' and 'fetus'. When my daughter was stillborn they kept using the term 'Inter Uterine Fetal Demise' and it really hurt me.

You're so fresh in your grief right now and you have many roads to travel on this journey. Please reach out to those who are supportive to you.

It's amazing to learn that 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in a loss, but still, most woman don't talk about it. I'm thankful every day for Mothering allowing us this forum to discuss such a profound loss.

I'd like to suggest that you write a letter to you child. Letting him/her know how much you wanted him and the deep love you felt. Talk about your dreams of raising him and how sad you are that you'll never have that chance.

I've found that through writing, I've done most of my healing and resolving.

Please take care of yourself and feel free to post here for support. The women here really care.

[troymama]

my heart goes out to both you and your baby, umiak. Much love.

[auld reekie]

Umiak,my thoughts are with you .My first child died at 101/2 weeks in my womb and i had to have surgery to take it all away from me.It was one of the hardest things i have ever done. i had thought that after they discovered what had happened on the ultrasound, i would have been told to come back the next morning for the surgery,but i had to carry my daed child for another two weeks because it was seen as a necessary surgery but not an emergency!!
I am very fortunate to have a healthy,happy four year old son now and i enjoy being a sahm.
I still have days when i think about my unborn child and i know i will never forget him/her,but i feel so fortunate to have my son.
Often being able to talk about theloss of your child with people who understand can really help with your healing.:love :love

[LEmama]

(((Umiak))) I am so very sorry for the loss of your child. For me, being outside was very healing. Take special care, and allow yourself plenty of time for the sun and flowers of spring. My thought and prayers are with you.

[Brandonsmama]

Umiak, I have gone thru this about 6 times, but it never got easier. My heart and thougts go out to you tonite and I wish you peace.

[karen t.]

i'm so sorry for your loss. i think it's pathetic how the majority of the medical community and our society as a whole reacts to baby loss. the attending ob/gyn in my situation was a real winner....(sarcasm) i've found the women here to be a great source of comfort and strength, so i'm glad you shared your story. i pray a peace upon you and your family, and thank you for sharing about your precious baby.


mahlah's ma,

karen t.

[NaturalJoy]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know what you mean. WHY can't people just say "baby". We all know that's what was growing inside of us. We call it a baby if it's alive, but it's relegated to "fetus" if it's dead. The thing that got me was seeing my diagnosis on the check-out sheet after my follow-up:

MISSED ABORTION

I know that's a technical, medical term, but it hurt so much to read. I wanted to scratch it off and write, "my baby sadly died inside of me." That was more true than MISSED ABORTION.

Best wishes as you heal,
Joy

[jaye]

umiak - i'm so sorry for your loss. and your words were beautiful.

xoxo

[umiak]

Thank you Ms. Mom, auld reekie, LEmama, troymama, Brandonsmama, karen t, Natural Joy, jaye: Thank you so much for your compassionate, thoughtful responses, for being a part of my grief and healing process.


Ms. Mom, Thank you for the gentle welcome. I am moved by your kind presence in my life. I like the suggestion to write to my baby, I learned today that she was a girl, surprise! FOUR daughters! Now my other three loves can know our baby was a sister. I, too, have experienced healing in writing. If you have been reading Mothering for 10 years, you may have seen my article about my search and reunion for my birth family; it was titled, First Breaths, in Spring 1992. I was filled with swirling emotions until I wrote that story. It was as if I could pick up and put down the powerful feelings after getting them into words and out to paper. Here I am again with overwhelming thoughts and feelings. I will be writing.

auld reekie, I am sorry to hear of your painful experience. Thank you for turning your difficult time into empathy for me. It means a lot to me. I was able to have the surgury two days after learning she was not alive, but had to look back and see that she had been dead for two weeks already. I felt sick that I didn't "feel" this fact, that I had no clue. But I also have learned that the placenta continues to send out nourishment and support to the dead baby, treating it as if it is alive, hormones still producing causing me to still feel all was well. It made me remember a National Geographic television show I saw about a family of monkeys. There was a mother monkey whose baby died, but the mother carried her everywhere, tried to sit her up, for days and days. This is how I felt. I still can't believe I am no longer pregnant. Sadly, I wrote 10th week, 11th week, 12th week, etc. all through my calendar to the due date, which is also my husband's birthday. I am happy you have a wonderful son, as I am happy I have three beautiful daughters.

Brandonsmama, Oh my heart has a new place that aches for your losses. I am wishing you peace as well.

jaye, I appreciate your kindness.

Natural Joy, My doctor warned me that the phrase "missed abortion" was going to be on the surgury consent form. I am rather incensed at that term. I don't know if it is just COLD or if it is a protective barrier to those in the medical profession, like masks and latex gloves. I would rather they used a code or something so I wouldn't have to feel reduced, misunderstood, put in a box not of my making.

LEmama,
:flower :flower :flower :heartbeat

karen t., thank you for responding, your thoughts, and prayers.

troymama, I have come to realize that it is not time that heals, but love, though it can take time for enough love to come by. Thank you for adding some love to my time.

Blessings on all of you special women.

[Irishmommy]

Umiak, I'm sorry about the loss of your daughter.

[abimommy]

umiak..I am so sorry for your loss.

I really think hospitals can be so insensitive to times of such pain and loss...while many nurses and drs grieve with the mothers the administrative side can be so cold and stark.

Why can't they have different wording?? Missed abortion implies your body failed to terminate.

your baby is beyond their realities now...they cannot hurt her.

[Jacque Savageau]

Abimommy, what a beautiful thing to say!your baby is beyond their realities now...they cannot hurt her.
Umiak, I've been a Mothering reader for 8 years, so I didn't see your article. If you know of an on-line copy, please let me know, I'd love to read it.

When you're feeling up to it, you may want check out our new 'Writers Board'. It's a beautiful place to share.

I do hope your feeling well. I know you have a long road to travel with your greif, please know we're here for you to listen. Another girl, how lovely that you have 4 daughters. I hope that they're healing well also. I do have some resources for children and greiving if you feel you need them, post here and I'll put them up for you and your girls.

I wish you gentleness and thank you and everyone else for sharing.

[moonglowmama]

I too hate to use the term "miscarriage."
It is essentially saying that our bodies were not able to carry our babies to term and so the baby died. Or that our bodies aren't doing exactly what they should do in the event of a death of a baby, when in fact they are.

I have been trying to think of a new term for miscarriage. One that places confidence in women that their bodies are healthy, and one that takes blame off of women for the death of their babies.

The truth is that most women have no idea why their baby died. Could be genetic, could be anything, really. Could be no understandable reason. But the word "miscarriage" always carries the blame on the woman. "I miscarried." "I had a miscarriage." "Did you know she's had 3 miscarriages?" As if she's killed her babies. Absurd!

I think it's important for women and society to recognize that sometimes babies die. It is just a fact of this life. We are mothers, lovers of our babies, be they healthy or not, alive or not. Once they are created (and often before) we love them. The surge of hormones, the dreams and desires we come up with once we learn we are pregnant all serve to help us connect to our children, to protect them, to love them.

Why do we keep these babies of ours secret? I was at the museum the other day and a woman asked if my son was our first. I wanted to say, "No, he is our middle child, but his siblings are both dead." Or, "No, but he is our first living child." But the truth seemed too big a burden to put on her. Maybe if we all were honest about how many children we have it would help a little. If only we can do it without saying the word "miscarriage." I will keep trying to find the right word. Maybe someone else out there has thought of this, too?

Sarah

[umiak]

moonglowmama, I appreciate your insightful comments. I will continue searching for a better term for "miscarriage". Though maybe it isn't a term, but a sentence, or a paragraph, or a book. But it would be useful to have a term that could eventually become known and gives clear meaning to an entire concept. A word that includes respect for a mother's love, like you described, "The surge of hormones, the dreams and desires we come up with once we learn we are pregnant all serve to help us connect to our children, to protect them, to love them." I feel such a loss of dreams, hopes, ...a whole future lost with the premature death of my family's baby. My immediate family, extended family, and friends miss knowing her, but perhaps we shall know her in new and different ways.

I am so sorry for your loss of two babies. And, I can relate with what you wrote about not wanting to "burden" someone with mention of your loss. I notice that in myself. I actually said, ' I'm sorry', to the ultrasound technician when I left the office, because I felt badly for burdening her with my sobbing reaction when learning my baby was no longer alive.

I'd love to hear any ideas that come to you regarding an appropriate expression. Thank you for writing.

[umiak]

Ms. Mom, Thank you for your kind post. I would like to know of the resources you mentioned that might be of help to my daughters. I look forward to checking out the "writer's place". I would like to put my story, First Breaths, online -- I just may need my 10 year old homeschool, web-building, daughter's help with that! I'll let you know when we manage that.

I do feel like I am moving well through the thick of early grief. I will feel "normal" for long periods, then a wave will rise in me, and next thing, tears are flowing down my face. Unfortunately, for the most part, I keep it to myself, or since we homeschool and my husband works at home, my tears are shared with my immediate family. My sweet 3 year old brings me tissues. I say unfortunately, because I have this sense that I do not want to burden others with my sorrow and I have a sense that people think "it" should be over by now. I do share truer feelings with special people and am fairly resigned that this is life in our present society. BUT, I am glad people like you are here online, and I really look forward to checking in -- sharing in this way is thoughtful, thought provoking, and though I do not "know" anyone here, it seems such an exchange of humanity.:grouphug

Thank you, again.

[Jacque Savageau]

The women here are amazing. I love you all and feel so sorry that your loss is what brought you here.

This is a list of the resources I have;

These websites also offer a bi-monthly newsletter you can subscribe to.

http://www.empty-cradles.com/stillbirth.htm
http://www.compassionatefriends.org/stillbirth.htm
http://www.nationalshareoffice.com/
http://www.pilc.org/

I've read all of these books and found them to be very healing.

Empty Cradle, Broken Heart : Surviving the Death of Your Baby
by Deborah L. Davis,Phd

Empty Arms : Coping After Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Death
by Sherokee Isle

When a Baby Dies : The Experience of Late Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Neonatal Death
by Nancy Kohner, Alix Henley

Miscarriage …Women Sharing From the Heart
By Marie Allen, Ph.D. & Shelly Marks, MS

When Hello Means Goodbye
By Pat Schweibert, RN and Paul Kirk, MD

When Men Grieve - Why Men Grieve Differently and How You Can Help
By Elizabeth Levang, PhD

Limits of Miricles - Poems about the Loss of Babies - Marion Deutche Cohen

I Knew You For A Moment (poetry)
By Pregnancy & Infant Loss Center


Let me know if you need anything else. I have HUGE files of information that I can sift through for you if you need something specific. I've read other books, but the ones I've listed I've found to be most helpfull.