Our friends lost their foster baby. . .

[lexbeach]

It is just the saddest and most shocking thing. Our very close friends have been fostering a now 9-month-old baby for several months. The whole time they had him, his goal was adoption. DSS said that they had no interest in even entertaining the idea of placing him with any members of his birth family. At first it was hard for our friends to really attach to the baby because they had just lost a seven-month-old whom they had had since birth (but his goal was always reunification, so it wasn't a shock when he went back to his birth mom. In some ways it was really a very happy thing). But a couple of weeks ago, their foster baby was hospitalized with an infection, and after spending a week in the hospital with him, our friends said they finally felt like they really let themselves bond, and felt like he was their baby.

They called to say that they finally had a court date for the adoption. We were so excited. Then, out of nowhere, the judge decided to place the baby with his biological grandmother, and our friends had to drive their baby to her house that very day, and leave him with a woman whom he had never met.

We are all in shock. I want to do something for our friends, but I don't know what to do, or what to say other than "I'm sorry." Also, they have already adopted a now six-year-old through DSS, and he is very upset too. Has anyone been through this? Any advice about what would be helpful in a time like this?

Thanks so much.

Lex

[Leatherette]

Wow. I don't know for sure, but maybe they would appreciate just warm friend contact. Invite them over for dinner, talk about whatever they want to talk about.

If you have pictures of the baby, maybe make a book for the six year old, like a memory book, to remember the good times with the baby. You could end the book with something like, " And now he has gone to live with his grandma, who will love and take care of him. And we miss him a lot." The adults will appreciate it as well. It would be up to your discretion to decide if this should happen sooner rather than later.

L.

[grisandole]

OMG, how awful! Sigh. Will the gma allow them any contact? Wow, I don't have any words of wisdom, but that is so sad.


Kristi

[SingleDad]

I'm so sorry about your friends, that's just awful.

I've had alot of experience with the DSS and if I were them, and they want to fight for this baby, they do have the means to. If the initial judgement was to not place the baby with anyone in the family, I would first have your friends get the report on that. They have a right to all paperwork involved if they were part of it. I would also have them do a background check on grandma, and contact an attorney quickly. If this woman has had no experience with this child, and your friends have had her for quite some time, they may have grounds to get the child back. If an attorney is an expense they cannot afford, they can contact the Guardian Ad Lietem for the case, who is a non partial person overseeing the cases based on the needs of the child. This person is an attorney, and could maybe help them with legal suggestions. Just a few thoughts. Best of luck to your friends, and they'll be in my prayers.

[Amazlilith]

My heart goes out to your friends. I agree with Single Dad I think that because they were so close to adoption (having a date) that they definately have a case!

And I know how this feels on a smaller scale (although I guess it is all relative). We lost a baby in February after she had been placed with us for adoption.

[sharqi]

Our family went through this several months ago. I think the most comforting thing anyone ever said to me was my cousin, who said, "That's terrible! There's really nothing I can say to make you feel better."

When our baby was moved (on account of a paperwork glitch, of all things!), child welfare acted like it was perfectly normal. Unfortunately for us, my sister said that i should have expected it, and my mother said it was for the best. I felt like I was crazy for feeling like something was terribly wrong, and it was nice to get some reassurance that it was terribly wrong & painful.

And that poor baby, ripped away from his mom, then ripped away from us, put back into the terrible situation he came into care for in the first place. I wonder how those kids survive.

[lexbeach]

Thank you all so much for your responses. We spent the day with our friends for the first time since they lost their baby, and I wanted to give you all an update. Our friends are doing remarkably well. They have mostly gotten over the shock, although they say that they still haven't totally let themselves grieve. They've all been really sick and are in the midst of selling their house and buying another one. So, they've been very distracted, which in this case has really helped them. They said it was also really helpful to meet the baby's grandmother and that she was really nice and she felt really sad for them that they were going through this. DSS had not wanted to place the baby with her, but there was nothing outwardly disturbing about her situation. Basically, what it came down to was money. DSS had recommended that the baby stay with our friends, and the judge decided to put him with his grandmother because it would save the state money. His goal is still adoption, but he's going to stay with his grandmother while his birth mother makes her case. There was nothing our friends could do. The judge didn't even see any paperwork about who they were, they never even entered the equation. It is so scary and aggravating that a decision like this can come down to one person.

But, our friends were really upbeat and happy today, and they have a new placement coming their way!!!! We were a little surprised that they were willing to take on another foster child after all they've been through (and they were surprised too!), but their new potential child seems like a great fit. He is three (almost four), and doesn't have the risk that a baby has. He is the same age that our friends' son was when he came to them through dss. Their son is really excited to have a brother who can walk and talk! They had met this new little boy in November and felt a connection with him immediately. But he was placed with a latino family because only speaks spanish. That family situation fell apart, and so our friends' social worker called to say that the little boy was once again in need of a home.

We are all very optimistic that their new child will theirs forever!

Also, they are planning to start trying to have a bio baby at the end of the summer!

So, happy news to share.

Thanks again for your support!

Lex