Gender expectations

[indiegirl]

So when we got pg with Zoe (my second baby), I was so excited about having another girl. Elated. Zoe was supposed to be our last baby. We had talked about the idea of having another baby in three or so years *maybe*. I was sad that we never were going to have a boy and I know dh was, too.

One thing I was going to work on before I ever got pg again was the expectation to have a son. In my heart, I feel sad thinking that I may never mother a son. Now I am rational and will not keep having kids to have a boy. I just think there is a natural greiving that has to happen when you have a desire that won't be fullfilled, right?

So I got pg so quickly that I didn't get a chance to release this expectation. I feel really stuck on it. Now, in my heart if this baby is a girl I will jump for joy and be so excited. Three girls is such a gift! Wow! I will be so excited and happy and in love...

But what about that part of me that knows this is it and I'll never have a son? What do I do with that part of me?

Jesse

[happyblessedmama]

No real advice for you. I'd be thrilled with 3 boys as I would with a girl.

I don't feel like I'm missing out having "only" boys. The babies I get are the ones that I was meant to have, and the ones I was meant to raise. That's how I look at it. I don't feel like I'm "missing out" or anything... but then again, we hope to have more kids regardless of what this one turns out to be. :)

Once you see your daughter or son you'll be thrilled. I don't know that there will be a grieving process when you're so busy with that new little one (that MAY be a boy anyway!) :)

[jane-t-mommy]

Hi Indigirl, that question resonates with me as well. We are only planning on having two children (this is pg #2) and part of me would dearly love to have a sister for my dd, but I also would love to mother a son, and I know that my husband would love to have the old chip off the old block (but will be happy with a healthy baby either way, as would I).

"But what about that part of me that knows this is it and I'll never have a son? What do I do with that part of me?"

Grieve, while acknowledging that you are grieving your expectations and not the baby that is growing within. And then work on releasing and accepting. Are you planning on having an u/s during pregnancy? Do you think that it would allow you to put this to rest at an earlier point? ( assuming the info was correct, notoriously wrong on gender....)

I think that gender issues are ultimately a question of acceptance. Accepting that the path we have charted for ourselves is quite different from the path the universal forces have in mind.

And if it is a girl, you can remind yourself of the boys and men that someday your girls will bring home to you that may ultimately become the sons you never had when they were children. I hope that my perspective is helpful....Jane-T

[mamasboys4me]

I actually think I'm having a girl. I guess it's b/c this pregnancy is very different from my other two.

With Spencer we were thrilled, I always wanted to have a boy first. We didn't find out with Preston, but were very excited about another boy. I don't even remember having a thought about how he wasn't a girl. I actually wanted a boy with Preston. I'd have people ask me all the time, "You hope you are having a girl?" And we'd say, Nope! I actually was kinda offended at the question, as if there was something *wrong* with having 2 boys.

Fast forward to now. These boys were my last, and this babe was a s*u*p*r*i*s*e! I was actually estatic about having just two boys. Their ages are so fun right now! But over the shock, I would love to be able to dress a baby girl, and braid hair, and all that girlie stuff!!! :love . But in the same sense, girl babies are unknown to me! lol Sooo, I'd love to have a whole household of mud-eatin' boys, but I wouldn't mind adding a girl to the batch too.

[Attached_Mom_to_7]

HI,
I'm hoping for a boy this time, I have 3 boys, and 4 girls, so, I would like one more boy that would great!!!

[Megamama]

I thought I wanted one more girl..and I would be thrilled...but I'd be just as happy with a boy at this point. Both are great!!

It was a surprise to me to figure that out, though. I told DH I might try again if this baby is a boy..then I realized..no, I am probably done no matter which the baby is, and I'm completely fine with whichever it is. I never thought I'd have this attitude, I thought I would really want a girl..but I just really don't care!! I'm happy about that too :)

[momsmyjob]

My first 4 were girls and then I had 3 boys, so this time I would like another boy. It doesn't really matter. I didn't think I would have a boy in the first place, especially after 4 but I didn't think I would get 3 boys after that either.

[gonnabeamom]

Zoe,

I don't have much experience to offer, since this is my first.

I do have some thoughts of things you might want to think about. Are there things you see yourself doing with a son, that feed your desire to have one? Are your sure that these are only things you could do with a son?

Is there a relationship with a man in your family that wasn't as close as you'd like it to be that you want to fix, by having a relationship with a son? Is there a close relationship with a man if your family you'd like to replicate? Was your Mom close to your brothers?

Were you a tomboy from a family that expected you to be girlie?

I know that all sounded very pop psych, and maybe as if I thought there was a specific answer to one of these questions. I don't. I just know that these deep longings often have reasons, and it's easier to release them and move on if you know what they are. Spending time letting yourself look at this, and releasing your feelings as they come up, will be more helpful in the long run then telling yourself how you should feel, or forcing yourself to "just get over it." I think it's worth doing whether you eventually have a boy or not.

[indiegirl]

Originally posted by gonnabeamom
Are there things you see yourself doing with a son, that feed your desire to have one? Are your sure that these are only things you could do with a son?

Is there a relationship with a man in your family that wasn't as close as you'd like it to be that you want to fix, by having a relationship with a son? Is there a close relationship with a man if your family you'd like to replicate? Was your Mom close to your brothers?

Were you a tomboy from a family that expected you to be girlie?

I know that all sounded very pop psych, and maybe as if I thought there was a specific answer to one of these questions. I don't. I just know that these deep longings often have reasons, and it's easier to release them and move on if you know what they are.

I really appreciate the time you have taken to pose these questions. I think they are valid ones for me to look at--though I don't know how much my desire to have a boy really plays into them in the end.

My boy desires seemed to spring up last summer. Before that I really had no desire for a son. I was directing a children's play and there was this little elf-boy who looked just like what I imagine my son would look. He had my dh's hair and a sweet little face. He was just so fun and I had these pangs of, "Oh I want a little boy just like you!"

In my family, there are seven granddaughters and one grandson. My dad was the only male of five children. We are very female-dominated. I have no idea what having a son would be like because, besides my husband (and I guess, my dad--the only son in the family), I have no real experience with males.

My mother and I are not close, I wasn't raised by her. I was raised by my father. I was a tomboy and really denied my feminine self for many years. Many things came to a head when I had my first daughter. It was so healing for me and in one fell swoop I learned what mother and daughter meant. Beautiful.

I am just longing for more male energy, I guess. That and I know my dh would love to have a son. There is a special bond with same-sex children and their parents.

Let me be clear: if this child is a girl, I will not be sad about the child. I will celebrate her life and welcome her into my heart with 100% joy and love.

I would greive not for the daughter, but for the idea that I will never have a son.

Does that make sense?

Jesse

[gonnabeamom]

Jesse,

It makes all the sense in the world. I'm hoping that seperating out the longing for male energy, and the longing for a son while help make that ache a little easier to deal with.

Clearly your babe is blessed with a loving an thoughtful mom.

[stanya]

Indie girl:
Hi. Maybe one of your girls will turn out to be butch, boy identiied, or transgendered. Then your dream will come true!

[momsgotmilk4two]

I can really relate to what you're going through. I have two boys and I'm thrilled to have them. I really enjoy watching my little set of brothers relate to each other:) That said, this time I'm longing for a little girl. I really want that mother daughter relationship. I have a good relationship with my mom, but I want my own dd. If this baby is a boy, I will of course be ectastic and welcome him into the family, but I'll be sad that I won't ever have a daughter (this will be our last babe too). I did work through all of this before getting pg and feel much better about it now, but I can't help but think I will feel something upon finding out that I'll never have a girl. There are certainly positives about having 3 sons though, so I'll just have to focus on those:)