Overwhelming apathy? (whiny-sorry)

[mama-aya]

We've been TTC for over 3 years now, though the first two of those years were spent BFing. Just about the time DS weaned completely we got pg, so I figured no problem- the previous 2 years TTC were non-fertile because of BF. But then miscarriage #2in September, and no luck since then. I keep trying to break up the time this way, so it doesn't seem so overwhelming- the D&C didn't go smoothly, and I didn't get AF (no O) until December, and I've only had AF in January (no O) and February, no AF in March, and here it is April, I'm not pg, no sign of O, no sign of AF.
The thing is I know it could be a lot worse, I know it. And I break it down to try to see that its not so desperate. I keep feeling, though, that I've been TTC since 1998, with two miscarriages and one living child. It still feels like I've been TTC-obsessed for a ridiculous amount of time.
And I'm so tired of waiting for AF, waiting for EPTs, waiting for O, taking all those vitamins everyday, doing all of the things we do. I'm tired of quietly seething over all of DH's dull nieces and nephews having babies they don't have any clue about raising. I'm not happy about losing the fertility battle to a bunch of pimply teenagers who think good parenting means blowing the cigarette smoke away from the baby. I'm tired of wanting this thing, this baby, so badly. I'm tired of meditating on these issues. I feel whiny and bratty and hideous.
I need some perspective different from my own. When do you give up? How do you get the knowledge that other people's fertility has nothing to do with your own sink into your heart?
How do you keep going, keep trying month after month?

[mama-aya]

Ach! Sorry- I meant to post this in TTC, and then when I tried to delete it, I couldn't, and the whole post is awful and whinier than I thought. Its late and I don't know what to do. I'm sorry.

[bamboogrrrl]

Someone started a thread a few months ago, where we agreed not to apologize when we get negative (aka frustrated and realistically furious) about the process of TTC. Sign on! You've been at this a long time and it is exhausting, draining, emotional, and angering. Don't apologize. Who wants to be Ms. Perkiness of the Universe anyway? Sashes and tiaras suck.

We've been TTC #1 for almost two years, and the only thing that helps keep me sane is to have a life outside of TTC. I work on my writing and artwork, I play tennis, I garden like a maniac. If I had to think about TTC every waking hour, my head would blow off. And make sure you grieve the hard parts because it makes it easier to move on. I had a m/c right before x-mas and I thought I couldn't take another step in the world. Do the things you love to do, even if they are small things and it will help you get through the tough parts of TTC. Plan trips, go to the movies, listen to your favorite tunes, love up your ds and dh. Whatever it is you love, do it!

[mama-aya]

Ah, thanks!
If only guilt and shame weren't built into the very core of my being- maybe then I could agree not to apologize for feeling so frustrated, jealous, judgemental, sad, and generally pathetic. Maybe. I'll try, anyway.
I do feel like my head is going to blow off. It's just so unbelievable that I haven't been able to procreate at whim. I mean, really. Really!
Anyway, I feel better than I did in the middle of the night last night, so that's good. And I've decided almost definately to ask my mother in law to not start every phone call by asking if I'm pg yet before telling me which of her grandkids got knocked up in the last week. Just a thought. :)

[gonnabeamom]

I find a good sh*T fit very therapeutic on occasion.

Go ahed you are entitled, and hardly alone in being frustrated, tired and angry.

So blow you top, kick and scream and throw a tantrum.

Afterwards you can pick yourself up and brush yourself off and get going again.

[mama-aya]

Okay:)