I have this adoption fantasy...

[Jeddica]

I have always wanted to adopt a baby girl, ever since I was a little girl!! Now I am a sahm to two great little boys and we have decided we do not want to have any more biological children but the girl adoption fantasy lives on! I have become a little sad realizing that it's far far too expensive a process for us.

To add to the dilemma, I am currently nursing my seven-month old and I dream of being able to adopt a baby while I'm still lactating so I can breasfeed her. I feel like there are so many babies "out there" in the wide troubled world that could thrive in my families loving care but the process is so mired in red tape that I'd never be able to actually adopt a baby. Plus, I feel as though my age might be a strike against me. I'm 28 and it seems as though most adoptive parents are slightly older.

More than a dream or fantasy, it's just something that I feel in my heart...as if I have a soul-mate of sorts who is just waiting for me to find her.

Well, I don't know what I'm expecting, but maybe it would help if I knew others felt such a longing for something so intangible and most likely impossible!

thanks
~jessica

[kama'aina mama]

Have you thought about looking into foster to adoption? One of my friends is doing it. Not only does it cost virtually nothing they pay you as a foster parent until parental rights are terminated and the adoption final.

[T. Elena]

You might consider domestic adoption, and if you play your cards right (esp. if you're open to an African-American child) you may not have to spend as much as you think. Also, there's a $10,000 tax credit -- yes, that's a *credit*, not a deduction -- available from the feds. Adoption can cost less than what some people spend on hospital deliveries for their bio children.

I have a baby girl who was adopted domestically (black and hispanic heritage), and like you I was interested in breastfeeding (I b'fed my bio son until he was about 3.5 years and couldn't imagine raising another child differently). I didn't find out about all of the logistics early enough to work up a full supply before the adoption, but in the process of inducing lactation and trying to do adoptive breastfeeding, I learned a lot.

If your baby is 7 months already, unless you adopted tomorrow you'd be in a relactation/induced lactation situation anyway. There are many options for inducing lactation, esp. if you have enough advance notice (it's even possible to work up to a full supply), and you can also do adoptive breastfeeding with no prep at all. The key here is use of a supplemental feeder -- essentially a little bag filled with formula or donated breastmilk with a tube that goes down to your nipple. As the baby nurses, she gets what's in the bag and, at the same time, whatever breastmilk you have while stimulating more production for you.

If you're interested in adoptive breastfeeding, check out http://www.fourfriends.com/abrw. For information on the Newman-Goldfarb Induced Lactation Protocols, go to http://www.asklenore.info (click on Breastfeeding and then go down to Adoptive Breastfeeding).

If you really get into researching this topic, one thing you will hear often is that you have to define success your own way. Adoptive breastfeeding is trickier than breastfeeding a bio child, but can be a great experience. It can also throw you a curve ball. I induced lactation but ended up with a baby who has an extremely weak root/suck reflex plus an oral aversion (can't stand having objects put in her mouth -- may be the result of traumatic suctioning following her c-section birth). The combination was too much for adoptive breastfeeding, at least for me/us. So she's on a bottle (organic formula plus DHA/ARA supplement) and gets some expressed breastmilk every day.

Adoptive breastfeeding, adoptive parenting, and -- while we're at it -- *any* kind of parenting requires adaptability and an open mind. Before this experience, I thought I'd be devastated if I couldn't breastfeed. Don't get me wrong, I'm still sad about this, but I've learned that attachment can happen in other ways and what's really important -- in every relationship -- is trust, respect, love, and commitment. If you get to adopt, you will adore your baby and have a wonderful time no matter how she eats or how much breastmilk she gets.

Good luck!

[Diane B]

<I have become a little sad realizing that it's far far too expensive a process for us. >

I always thought that too, but here we are, doing an international adoption!
It DOES seem like a lot of money, but I remind myself that all kinds of people
regularly spend this much on a vehicle. At age 28, there's no hurry - you could start saving up now, and there are always loans, borrowing from family/friends, and that fabulous tax credit mentioned in an earlier post.


Diane

[Tigeresse]

I agree with the other posters, there are a lot of options open to you, and at your age, you have plently of time. The $10,000 tax credit is huge, and was one of the things that pushed us over the top in deciding we *could* adopt.

Like you, I have bio sons, and have dreamed of adopting a little girl. Now, she will be coming home from China 4/29/04. I am still nursing my youngest ds, and am going to try to bring in some milk by pumping for her, but I know I will not have the nursing relationship I've had w/my boys. I do not plan to put her to the breast, as she is very used to bottles (11 mo old). I think what T.Elena said in her last 2 paragraphs beautifully states how I am approaching this, and the attitude I hope to maintain.

Anyway, I wish you luck, and certainly know your desire to adopt gives you enough reason to pursue your dreams.

Katie

[EFmom]

I agree with the others. We've adopted two children from China. If you are really called to do this, you can do it.

Your youth isn't against you necessarily. Look at it as you have more time to save the money to do this. If you start putting away a little bit every month, it will add up. Check out a copy of the Tightwad Gazette from your public library, and see if there's a way to cut down on your expenses. We saved enough for two adoptions that way.

Slightly OT:
I have to say that I really wish that some women on mdc who are interested in adopting weren't so hung up on the breastfeeding issue. I think that if it works out and you can do it, and if your child wants to do it, that's marvelous. But it kills me when I read that women see it as some huge stumbling block, like if they can't bf they shouldn't or couldn't adopt. These kids, especially kids who have been in orphanages or marginal foster care, need and deserve to have families. I'm not disputing that bf is a wonderful thing, but having a family is so much more than that.

[grisandole]

Hi! I'm 28, and we are *almost* licensed to adopt! I also want a girl, as I have 2 boys :) We are going through our state. If you do foster to adopt, you have a good chance of getting an infant; our adoption worker told us that she strongly recommends that parents interested in infants/toddlers do foster to adopt. When you go through the state, the fees are waived, or are minimal.

Good luck!
Kristi

[Designeratheart]

28 is not too young at all! I was 28 when we started the adoption process and we brought home our dd when I was 29 & our ds less than a year later. No problems with age at all, plus my dh is 3 years younger than me. It was never an issue.

The red tape seems very daunting in the beginning, but I think you'd be surprised how fast that check list of things to do becomes smaller and more manageable.

I'd say do a lot of research, read read read lots of books about adoption and get yourself well versed in the issues of adoption. If you still feel strongly about it after another year or so, jump in. You'll be amazed at all of creative ways you can come up with the financing! Lots of luck to you!

[Jeddica]

Wow, what inspirational stories and messages...thank you all very much.
I am going start doing some research on foster to adopt in my state; I live in Alaska and there are many children in foster care here-- I think many are Alaskan Native, I would adore a Native baby just as much as any other race, so I'm definitely going to pursue this option.

As for the breastfeeding, I think I would try to keep up a good supply so that the baby could get some, but I'm definitely not hung up on it. Very simply, it just seems like a lovely way to begin a mother/child relationship.

Thank you again for the personal stories and ideas, I'm sure I'll be re-reading them and gainig many useful insights.

I just have to say that the women on this board have been so supportive and full of good ideas...these forums have definitely helped several aspects of my life, from my recent VBAC to breastfeeding and now prospective adoption...this is a great place with great people...thanks so much.

~Jessica

[EFmom]

Jessica, unless you are American Indian yourself (or your dh), it is unlikely that you would be allowed to adopt an American Indian child because of the Indian Child Welfare Act of 1978. ICWA states that when placing an Indian child for adoption, preference should be given to extended family, tribal members, an Indian foster or adoptive family, or an Indian institution. The tribe has the right to make decisions regarding the Indian child's placement, and non-Indian families are considered for placement as a last resort.

[steph]

Best wishes on your journey - I truly believe that we adoptive parents end up with the perfect child for us - and if you feel a connection to a babe calling you, you'll find each other.

I just want to chime in on the cost factor - it seems daunting at first, but once you wrap your mind around it and believe that it's possible, the money works itself out one way or another. We had thought we'd have to take out a loan or even put some or all of it on a credit card (not our first choice!!), but ended up taking equity out of our house (which is like getting a loan, in a way) to pay for our domestic adoption. I agree with the car analogy - most domestic adoptions cost less or the same as a new lower-end car. If you've ever considered getting a new car, you can do an adoption. And that tax credit is wonderful. It will roll over yearly until you use it up - in other words, you won't have to pay taxes (or get back what you've already paid if it's taken out a paycheck) until you've used up the $10,000 tax credit. That said, it makes most domestic adoptions really cost somewhere around $5000 or so (depending on the agency).

Regarding the bfeeding - if you've already been nursing, it should no problem re-lactating if you do some prep. I had barely even been pregnant before (both pg's lasted 8 weeks or less), and even so, after a few months I was able to make a little bmiilk - though never enough to exclusively feed with - I've always had to use the lact-aid with formula. But it is a wonderful bonding experience if you can do it.

Again, best wishes!!

[alaskanteach]

I just recieved the baby I am adopting, and I am 28. I had hoped to breastfeed any children I adopted, but I had weened ds last month, not knowing a new baby would be headed our way so soon! Oh well.

[marisa]

I could have written your post. I have two boys as well, 2 and 4 months. I don't want any more biological children, but I really want to adopt a girl. I thought we wouldn't be able to afford it either, but I have found an agency that is only 4-6,000 if you are open to adopting an African American or biracial child. I have also wanted to adopt since I was a little girl, and I never really told anyone about it because most people don't understand. I'm 24, have no fertility problems, and so most people are like, "Why don't you just have a baby of your own?" I plan on really pursuing this when my youngest is around 3.

[alaskanteach]

Actually, EFMom, Alaskan Native Children fall under different rules. Jessica can adopt an Alaska native baby if she wants to. The Alaska Native Corporation need not be informed at the time of the adoption, but rarely steps in to counter an adoption proceeding anyway. And I think Alaska doesn't FORCE the biological mother to inform the corporation at time of adoption. (I just got the info on this from my attorney this morning.)

As a note: There is only one reservation (by choice) in Alaska so, most laws concerning Alaska Natives (Eskimo, Indian, or Aleut) have different protocals than American Indians in other parts of the country. For more information, research ANILCA or ANCSA.

[Red]

So when I ws 23 I signed up to be a foster parent. I'd like to take toddlers, I explained, or school age kids. No infants, I hate babies and of course, being 23, no teenagers! Right. So my first placement was a 15 yo and her 4 day old son. :shrug

That babe is represented in my sig line now. He's still 'with' me, though grown and moved out. :) He knows his bio mom.

Since he was a foster child, there were no fees involved. They will pay foster care payments and medical ins, and if you adopt a sibling group (oh please, do that) they'll give you the foster care payments til the kids graduate high school!

The down side? The risk. THere are no guarantees, you can lose the babe if the bio parents win them back. Be careful. I wasn't looking to adopt and I still nearly lost my soul in the process.

Feel free to pm me if I can answer any questions.

[LisainCalifornia]

Steph,
I like your car analogy--so true :thumb When we adopted from China we certainly did not have 25,000.00 just laying around...we ended up borrowing a bulk of it from my husbands 401k. You can also get a low interest home loan--or an "adoption loan"...most banks will do these.

To adopt from China you need to be 30 or older, so you are certainly not too old! If you do adopt from China then you can be sure that you will recieve a girl--so that would be one way to have your daughter.

The only thing with the 10,000.00 tax credit--if you or your spouse make more than gross incomes of $152,390....then you don't qualify. My husband made a bit more than that, so we did not qualify. But the tax credit applies to both domestic and international adoption.

We had 2 bio kids (a boy and a girl) before we adopted Emma from China. It has been the best!

[healthymom]

My husband and I also had to borrow the money both of our domestic adoptions. We also looked at it like a car payment but what a return! A beautiful daughter and son.