Dealing with a child that has been molested

[SingleDad]

I thought I would start a thread on this subject rather than use the other one so that I could maybe get advice from someone that had gone through this with their child, or had been in this situation themselves.

My 11 year old recently revealed that he had been molested when he was with his natural parents by their drug dealer. I am so lost with this and even though I have therapy with him beginning next Monday, I thought it would help to know how people get through something like this. He cries all the time since he brought this out in the open, and he's hurting and I can't take it away. I don't know what to say to him or what to do for him to make this better. I have a soaked shirt every night from his tears and it's killing me to see him like this. If any of you out there have gone through this, or are going through it, please help me to understand and know what to do to help him get through this.

[fishy]

singledad,

sometimes crying, jsut the release of the emotion, is healing. you just holding him and letting him cry is therapy.

i dont have any specific advice. i havent gone thru this. although, my brother was molested as a child by a family friend and he never told anyone for close to 10 years. he had built up a lot of anger (and shame) in that time and when he finally told his therapist, he started healing. i beleive he stopped going to the therapy shortly after. but he is in a much better space now than he was before he told people about it.

acy has taken probably the hardest step. time will heal him, and you are doing the right thing by letting him cry and let out his feelings.

[muse]

The fact that he has told you is wonderful. That means he can trust you and feel safe with you, a major obstacle for many abuse survivers. What you can do is just be there for him, bear witness, hear him out. Support him, but also support yourself. it can be traumatic to go through someone else's pain with them like that. You could both use some individual therapy, sounds like.

[Patchy Dragon]

I, myself was molested. I did not confide in anyone until I was 20 years old, 10 years after the fact. So it is a wonderful thing that he trusts and loves you enough to be open with you. The best healing for me was tears and being open with a loved one & therapist. As a child you often feel you did something to deserve this kind of treatment and feel ashamed. Let him know that is NOT true! You should not be to blame and feel ashamed because a grown adult needs therapy themselves.

I have a lot of peace of mind knowing the person who did this to me and my 1/2 sisters in serving time for his inadequecies (sp).

[SingleDad]

fishy, muse and patchy, thank you so much, I wish Acy had that same comfort of knowing that this guy was in jail. One of his biggest concerns is that this guy will come after him because he told. I just remind him that his name has changed and that we no longer live in that state, and try my best to make him feel safe. I tell him all the time that Daddy will always protect him. I know he wasn't with me at the time this happened, but for some reason I feel so guilty that he was hurt. It breaks my heart to know that someone violated him that way, and even more that he held it in for so long and had to deal with that alone. I really hope that this therapist is good, I've dealt with alot that weren't in the past 6 years with the boys.

[Gemini]

I too was sexually abused when I was 9 years old. I didn't have the support at all like you are giving your son. I think what you are doing is *exactly* what you should be doing. Letting him get this out is going to be so good for him. I can only imagine how hard it is to watch your son go through this pain. Being there for him is so important though.

Your feelings of guilt are real, and I can only think I would feel the same way even though intellectually we know we shouldn't. You're a parent, we feel guilt for things we shouldn't waaaaay more than we should. :rolleyes: I think it would be a good idea to not let your son know that and to talk about it to the therapist just the two of you. Don't want your son to hold back telling you things that he thinks may make you have guilt. Perhaps I'm being too psychological, sorry.

You are going through so much lately SingleDad. I hope you are able to find time to take care of yourself too.

You are a wonderful father SD. You're doing a wonderful job parenting with all these unexpected events that come up in your young sons lives. I wish I could just hug them, you too. :)

[CerridwenLorelei]

Box :)

I agree with the others you are doing great by him. Like Dragon I never told ( again) until I was 20. The one person I tried to tell called me a liar. I wouldn't have told at 20 but a cousin was in danger and I had to speak up

Most of all let him know it WAS NOT HIS FAULT ....it took me 17 yrs to be able to say that ..and every now then I slip back and think maybe it was...so keep letting him know it wasn't and just make sure you have a supply of dry shirts:)

[AnnMarie]

You are on the right track. He's so very lucky to have you!

Just be sure he knows that he's not bad, that something bad happened to him, and that you don't love him any less. He didn't do anything to deserve this, sometimes bad things happen to good people.

:hugs

[brusselsprout]

SD, check your inbox, I sent ya a pm :)

[SingleDad]

BS, I checked the mail, and replied. thank you!!!

[Mothra]

It seems like you already know this, but I cannot stress the importance of a good therapist. There are bad ones, and they can cause much more trauma to an already vulnerable child. I don't think that most of the bad ones are mean-spirited, just not good at what they do.

Best of luck to you and your son. You have a long, hard journey ahead of you. I hope that he is okay in time.

[SingleDad]

I completely agree with you on the therapist! I'm hoping that this one is good, if not, we'll keep searching until we find the right one!

Thank you for your message!